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Original poster

Step grandparents and favouritism.

66 replies

malificent7 · 17/04/2018 09:16

I completely understand that dls mum loves her own grandchild (dps dd) more than mine. It wasn't her fault that her son got a divorce as his ex cheated etc.
She has been good to me despite a bumpy first meeting and has also been good to dd.
I don't expect her to take on my dd as her granchild however she does display favouritism occasionally.
It used to be worse when she used to shop for her dgdd in front of dd...now that has stopped.
She will get them bith gifts but her dgc will get something slightly better or a bit extra on the side. She has started to do this more discreetly .

I guess i wouldn't have a problem with but dd (9) gets upset . I understand this. Ive tried to explain that biological grandparents feel differently than step grandparents. I know it too but it still kind of stings..
Dd lost her nan but does have a lovely granpy...
I guess what im saying is being a step grandparent is hard and so is being s steo grandchild...hiw to forge better relations ?

I have suggested to dp that he takes his dd to his mum's without dd and i being there so she can spoil her rotten without offending dd.

I sometimes feel that we are in the way a bit of that bond.

OP posts:
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Original poster
malificent7 · 17/04/2018 15:51

typos....

si fp sometimes does stupid things...it's not about gifts though is it....it's about one child getting 'better' treatment.

OP posts:
corcaithecat · 17/04/2018 16:08

I'm a step grandparent but I can't see how age has anything to do with having favourites and treating your grandchildren any differently.
That's just shitty behaviour in my opinion and I wouldn't do that.
I really think your DH should speak to his parents.

Sammy901 · 17/04/2018 16:37

I’m on the fence with this .. your dd has only been around 2 years and isn’t actually her grand daughter. I think it’s pretty obvious she is going to always favour her actual grand daughter, it’s more natural to want to buy things for your own family rather then someone else’s as she really isn’t her family yet..

I have a step daughter who I treat well when she’s with us but my family always buy her a token gift at Xmas and birthdays, no where near the same as what they get our kids and I wouldn’t expect them to, nor does my DH.

She has a Nan on her mums side that spoil her. My parents can spoil here own GC

Redbus1030 · 17/04/2018 17:16

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

swingofthings · 17/04/2018 17:39

Dd has only been in her life for 2 years...
I would tell her exactly that because that is indeed the most likely reason why she feels differently for her gd than your dd. I would explain to your daughter that it's not her as a person that your mil prefers but the fact that time does make the heart grow fonder and that she and your mil are still building that bond. In some years time, it won't make much difference and she will probably consider your dd just the same as her gd.

Aroundtheworldandback · 17/04/2018 17:46

We once went for a celebratory dinner with Mil, my Parents, one of my kids and one of dh’s. My parents gave an envelope with a small equal amount of cash to both my dd and dh’s. We saw Mil slipping an envelope under the table to her granddaughter only.

Suffice to say Mil is now old and although I do help when asked, life would be much better for her if we were closer. But as she treated my children differently, I’m hardly going to treat her the same as my mother!

What goes around comes around I guess!

RandomMess · 17/04/2018 17:52

Have you read the books "how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen" and the associated book "siblings without rivalry"

They are great at helping adults address the emotional needs of DC, empowering them to deal with their feelings etc. I know they are steps but the principles are the same fairness does not equal the same...

Pleasebeafleabite · 17/04/2018 18:05

How old is your DP's daughter OP?

If both the same age I can see your issue, but if not, in reality different children in the same family receive different presents all the time

Will your DD not receive presents from other family members that your DP's daughter doesn't? Can you help her understand it that way.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/04/2018 18:16

My ds is from a previous relationship. Me and dh have been together since he was 2, he’s almost 10. Mil will get the kids little treats now and again depending on what she sees at the time. She treats ds nicely gets Christmas present,Easter eggs and birthday but she does spend more on her G.C. DS gets spoilt from my dp, plus his fathers side is massive as his parents aren’t together plus his SM family. I don’t think after 2years your dm should be treating them equal. Utilmately you could split up and she would never see you dd again.

whiteroseredrose · 17/04/2018 18:58

Exactly what Dancing monkey said. She has only known your DD for 2 years and you and DP aren't married. It's perfectly possible that you could split and that would be that.

Original poster
malificent7 · 17/04/2018 20:05

You do have a point but any relationship could break uo after any number of years...is it wise to keep your distance from step kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 17/04/2018 20:24

Just in case? I always feel sad on mn when posters say a new relationship could split up...as can an old one...

She is wise to be cautious. Why does marriage make a difference? dp is divorced....im not a believer in marriage as im not Christian. dosnt mean im not commited.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 17/04/2018 20:39

I suppose blood is blood so she'll still keep in touch with her granddaughter no matter what. But if you and her son split after a relatively short time then possibly not. I don't think the answer is to keep a distance, a warm fond relationship can develop over the years but you can't expect to magic up a close relationship with someone who was a stranger 2 years ago.

My DF remarried when I was 7. I got on really well with my DStepM and her parents but they were never my grandparents.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/04/2018 20:43

Op

I think you are expecting too much. Do you buy your step daughter something every time you buy your daughter something new?

I don’t think your dp should have to do that - unless you do it

I also don’t think the granny should be expected to take your child on as if she was her biological grand daughter. She isn’t and quite frankly you have said she is nice to her and there is no malice in her actions. It is only natural that she would want to treat her bio granddaughter to more. She has known her since birth and will always be her legal grandmother.

Has your own mum took on your SD like her own granddaughter?

I mean what I say kindly

whiteroseredrose · 17/04/2018 20:48

Sorry maleficent I wouldn't want to make you sad. I just think that the first couple of years of a relationship are a honeymoon period. People can be on their best behaviour. But it's hard to maintain for 5 or 10 years. Eventually you have to let your true self out. And if you still love each other warts, farts and all......!

privateporcupine · 17/04/2018 21:42

It can be achieved, hopefully over time.

I was a stepchild, and the first child in my step dads family, introduced to them age 3 or 4, before any of his siblings had kids, or he had my brother. My mums parents were dead and so was my SD’s dad. So his mum became my only GP.

I don’t remember a time when they (Gran, aunts, uncle, even my grans sister) didn’t shower me with love and treated me exactly the same when their bio GDC, nieces and nephews came along. In fact, I wasn’t told I was step child until aged 18 or so, after both my mum and SD had died years earlier, although I worked that out years earlier (that’s a whole other issue)

My SD’s sister and husband actually raised me from 13 and they are now GPs to my own DS. I do think when they have their own GDC, it will feel different, but I know my DS will never feel it from them.

As I say, I don’t remember a time when i didn’t feel adored, but maybe that did take time and I just don’t remember since I was very young . But this thread has reminded me how much I truly appreciate my step family.

I hope you all find a way, OP.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/04/2018 21:47

Because as harsh as it may sound op your relationship is considerably new. The average relationship lasts between 18months and 3 years. It’s not as if you’ve been with your dp for 10plus years and seen your dsd( I wouldn’t even consider you a sm at this stage) grow up from a young age. His mother has been involved in his child’s life from birth and watch her met milestones and seen her grow up been apart of memories and developed a bond that has grown with your dp dd. Your expections are unreasonable and unrealistic, she’s not going to have the same relationship she has with your child. How often do you actually see her out of interest?

SandyY2K · 17/04/2018 22:10

I think you're expectations are unrealistic. If you split with your DP...She could easily never see you or your DD again. Her DGD is her blood ...If course there will be a difference.

She's only known her 2 years and it's unfair to expect equal treatment..when it's not the same relationship.

If my DM treated my DC less favourably than their cousins...I'd think it was unfair, but not if it was a step GC.

I don't think asking your DP to speak to his mum is wise. She may just decide not to bother any more and like another similar thread ...She could deal with the mother and send gifts that way.

Original poster
malificent7 · 17/04/2018 22:33

My first post totally states that i get the difference....i totally dont expect her to take on dd or buy her the same stuff....it's just the difficult dynamics?

What abiut the numerous relationships that last longer than three years though?

We are planning our fugure together...i mean this in jest but fon't piss on my chips!

It's precisely because im thinking long term that i want to get this right...

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 18/04/2018 06:43

That would be something that would come over time naturally not something forced. Your dp might have taken on your dd doesn’t mean his dm has to. Aslong as she polite and nice to her maybe get her a token gift at Christmas birthday Easter that’s all you can really hope for. She’s old enough to be explained that she’s not her grand mother and doesn’t always get the same stuff that your dp dd does.

Dancingmonkey87 · 18/04/2018 06:47

Tbh rereading your op she is still buying her something which she doesn’t have to do but she’s just choosing to spend more on her own biological granddaughter. I think that’s pretty decent of her to get her something small after 2years. You refer to your dp dm as stepgrandparent when in reality she’s not that and favourism when again she’s not your dd grandparent in the first place op and clearly doesn’t see herself as a stepgrandparent, in that situation I wouldn’t.You need to lower your expections here

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 18/04/2018 07:17

I have to agree with the other posters. After 2 years, do you feel the same about your dd and dsd? Like your husband's mum I bet you feel affection for both but much more for one than the other. Your dd will probably have experience of liking 2 friends or teachers but definitely having a preferred one. Step gm has known one girl from birth and met the other X times, it is only logical that she'll be closer to one than the other. Would dd agree that she doesn't like her step gm as much as the grandparents that she's known since birth? WThey will get to know each other better with time.

I have to agree with some posters that she might be holding back a little because it's early days and if you break up, she won't see your dd ever again.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 18/04/2018 07:18

Her step gm sounds very kind.

BrashCandicoot · 18/04/2018 07:32

Could you not explain to your dd that your mil just isn’t her granny? She surely must be old enough to understand that a grandparent is your parent’s parent, so as your dp isn’t her dad, his mum isn’t her gran, though she will be a figure in her life.

From your dp’s Dm’s perspective - you and your dp could break up tomorrow and she may well never see you or your dd again, her own grandchild is her grandchild no matter what the parents do.

holiday101 · 18/04/2018 07:33

As much as it hurts OP the reality is that the 'favouritism' dynamic will probably always be there. As long as she is kind and treats them equally when they are together then that is the best you can wish for. It's really important to give your dsd t ime on her own with both her dad and her dgm and this may help to reduce the awkward dynamic as you describe it.