Help through the bumpy road!

[LDN80]

Hi all, I’m hoping I can get some much needed on advice on my situation with my partner’s kids, specifically his 10 year old daughter. Both children stay with us 3 days a week, and every other weekend which mostly is lovely and I embrace and enjoy. Recently though, a pattern has emerged after my partners daughter comes back to us after being with her mum she comes back here sullen moody and downright rude which can often last days, Often blanking me when I even say hello and excludes me from conversations she has with her dad and brother which escalates into me being upset and although I should be the adult in this and find a more mature way to handle it I find myself hiding away in the bedroom or making social time on night she’s here to avoid spending time with her. I just feel so resentful sometimes after all I feel I do for her, washing, cleaning, buying her clothes I just feel this gets thrown back in my face! I understand kids are kids but this is hardto deal with and my atmosphere at home sometimes is unbearable. Hoping for any advice here!

You need to understand what has happened before it's too late. For a start, you need to get it out of your head that she should be grateful that you wash, cook, buy her clothes because kids shouldn't be grateful for such activities. If you are finding yourself doing it, then it's your OH who should be grateful that you are doing his job.

Maybe you've grown a bit resentful without realising it to start with, she's picked up on it and unconsciously started to exclude you to reach the point you're at. Or maybe it was the other way around.

You need to make the first move now and try to go back to a relationship where resentment doesn't have its place. Your OH should be honest and supporting you but you need to be prepared to hear things you might not want to hear, as much as your OH will need to be prepared to hear that it's not on that you are the one stuck with the chores he should be taking on.

My dsd was 9 when I met her and I found at 10 that she could be moody and incredibly rude.
My only advice is to not take it personally as you say it's normally lovely. That sounds like a conflicted child and at 10 you've got all the hormones starting and that can be mood swings.
I found it really hard to bond with my dsd and I felt like things were thrown back in my face until I realised it was ok to back off every now and then and go out so I didn't get too stressed. But I also made an effort to have bonding time with her, you know like baking or going out to the park together.
It's worth a little bit of effort because you can create nice memories together that over ride the times when she's rude or moody.
It's mega hard to be understanding of those times but you have to understand that there is this deep seated loyalty to her mother which she is probably reminded of every week. And at 10, she's not an adult and can't deal with those emotional feelings in a mature way. She will deal with them in ways that will be hard to understand.
Give her a little patience and persevere. It'll be worth it!

This is tough as you don’t know what goes on at mums house or what’s said.

I have 2 DSC - now 9 & 12 (have known them 3 years) - the younger boy has never been a problem the older girl we have gone through a phase of similar.

You can’t control what goes on at mums house, you can only control what goes on at yours. My OH won’t put up with the moodiness or sulking so he addresses the issue with her.

He has plenty of time with them together on their own and also does 1-2-1 stuff with them.

What’s helped us (and if i’m honest I didn want to as the daughter was difficult and wasn’t very nice to me) I do stuff on her own with her. Tried cooking & baking but she’s not interested. But take her shopping, go for a coffee and take her to get her nails done and it’s realky helped. She’s much more relaxed around me.

thanks for the advice :)

Thak you, I appreciate the advice :)

LDN80 I basically agree with what all those above are saying, but I still get where you're coming from! It's bloody disheartening and so wearying, to have point blank rudeness directed at you like this!
Would it not be possible for DSD's dad to just remind her that common courtesy is required, by and for everyone in the household?!

My other half does try to remind her of her behaviour but sometimes her sarcasm or rudeness gets justified as her being ‘cute’ by her dad which drives me mad! It’s hard like you say, this is all a real learning curve for me!

Oh lord, I posted about the exact same with my DP’s children on another forum and they are much younger. They went from being ok to walking into my house, straight past me and completely blanking me. It’s very difficult to tolerate and unless you’ve experienced this repeatedly you really have no idea just how difficult it is to deal with. There is not one other person in the world I would accept this behaviour from. It’s very wearing, very disrespectful and I understand how it feels.

Here’s the thing. You have no idea what is being said to her at home. But she is obviously feeling conflicted/ resentful / sad and lacks the emotional capability to process the complex emotions. She’s also getting to an age where she understands more about ‘adult’ relationships. So she could also be dealing with knowing what exactly you do with her dad. My eldest is a similar age and has suddenly gone a little ‘off’ with my DP and we know it is down to a mix of missing his dad, understanding sex and transitioning from one home to another. It’s hard for these kids, they have a lot going on.

Does your DH have a good co-parenting relationship with his EX? Can he raise this with her to see if she is seeing this behaviour when your DSD returns to her?

My only advice is stop doing the things you’re doing that make you resentful. You’re not there to cook and clean for her. Make your DH step up and do more. And focus on doing things you enjoy (reading a good book/ going to the gym) when she’s there.

It’s pretty intolerable to live with, consistently being ignored.

That said sometimes there are ‘bumps in the road’. What you don’t want is for this to be the norm all the way through teenage years.

Try being direct with her and your DP. Air it. Don’t hide away. It’ll be awkward but it’s better than now. Be patient. Be kind. Give her space. But insist on a minimum of kindness back. Spend a little time just with her regularly where it’s not too intense, watching a movie, playing sports. Something she chooses. Don’t do her laundry.

My DSDs became more and more like this. They were hearing bad things from their mum. They were resentful of no longer having a Dad who let them have the house to themselves, and was very passive. It was disastrous but I tried everything. Sometimes there’s nothing that will change thus, but you have to try.

My DSD is the same age OP and I'm fed up with it as well.
Everything seems to be put down to her being 'tired' when frankly the majority of it is rudeness. I came down the other morning, said good morning to her, she looked me up and down and then looked away. I felt like shit tbh.
Have you tried 'love bombing?' sometimes I find my DSD reacts well to this, no awkwardness, just full on fuss and love to show her you care.
Your DP needs to step up more and realise he's not doing her any favours.

, I’m happy to know it’s not just me who feels like that whilst completely being blanked in my own home!! I think you’ve raised a really interesting point to see if she acts like this when she goes back to mum’s, I’ve never thought about it from that side, and may be interesting to see if her behaviour matches up. Thanks for this :)

I’ll certainly try the love bombing! The last few days have actually been ok between us due to me trying to make an effort and distancing myself ( leaving house for an hour for gym) just to get a breather. Maybe this is the balance I need to try and achieve? In an ideal world anyway! Thanks for the advice :)