"Improving" relationship with Dad's wife

[StepdaughterStuff]

Sorry, this is going to be very long because of the backstory.
I am almost twenty years old, my parents separated and got a divorce when I was 9, just after christmas. The reason for this was my Dad cheating on my Mum. I completely broke down and can barely remember the first year after it happened. He stayed in a relationship with the OW and married her eventually. My sister's and my relationship to her is basically non existent. This has various reasons.
-We knew from the start that she was the OW, this resulted in me panicking at the prospect of meeting her, hiding away in my grandparents' cellar or pretending to be asleep. Seeing and interacting with her made it so real
-My Dad tried to make us all go on holiday together which ended in a company disaster with yelling and a "Us (Sister+Me)vs. Them (Dad+ back then GF), it always felt like we were in their way, not wanted and treated unfairly to which we responded by being stubborn and talking back. After the second disastrous try, he separated the holidays, going on fancy retreats with her and camping with us
-My Dad not officially telling us he was marrying her. We found out from the invites standing around in other relatives' homes. When we asked my father, he got all defensive and claimed he had told us but neither my sister nor I could remember him telling us. Needless to say, we didn't attend the wedding
Now that I am older, I see that I cannot blame her alone, a lot of this is on my father. I have always been a "Daddy's girl" and the separation of my parents and what came after shook me to my core. I was in Therapy for two years. I still love my father very much, despite this stuff he still is an "over average" dad, we often do great things together and he supports me. My "Stepmother" and I haven't talked in years, she is barely there as she lives and works in another town.
Last night I wrote a long message to my dad that I would like to try and "improve" my relationship to his wife (quotation marks because there is barely a relationship there to improve), because I don't want to risk having a good and nurturing relationship to him. It was hard to write this for all the reasons above, after all the times I felt second best/left behind, after all the time that passed and also because my mother would see me basically as a "traitor" if she knew I am reaching out.
Now to my questions:
-What can I do to make his wife not resent me (I know she is unhappy that he is staying where we live because of us)?
-How would you react to this?
-Please just give me any advice/insight from your perspective on how to handle this situation
Thank you all in advance and for reading this mess until the end

I think just take things slowly. You have told your dad that you would like a better relationship with his wife, so assuming he tells his wife that hopefully, they (or she) will reach out.
Just try not to live in the past and hope that they don't either. If anything is ever said just say you were a child and saw things through a child's eyes. You were upset and still are, but would like to move forward because you don't want to risk anything hurting the relationship you have with your dad. So sort of taking some 'blame' but no apologies unless you have ever done anything actually wrong.

Thank you @Rafiki
I am currently away at Uni so I won't see him until summer so we are definitely taking this slow. I purposely didn't say anything over Easter. I will try to explain how I felt back then and hope that explains my actions

Firstly I would try to separate your own hurt from that of your mothers. She obviously had a bad time, however her relationship with her ex husband is hers alone. It’s private too in a way, you will never know all sides. Your loyalty to her is in your own relationship with her, mother daughter. Not anything to do with taking sides. Don’t take sides.

Your relationship to your father is your own business. It’s not even your step mums business. How you feel about him is solely about him and you. I think if I were you I’d start to try and open up to your Dad about how you felt about his actions. The impact on you. Your good feelings and your bad ones. Maybe start having small but delicately honest conversations just with him?

I’d leave your his wife to one side for now if I were you. Just build up a better relationship with your Dad first. You could let him know that you intend to accept his relationship more, but just take things slowly?

It meant the world to me when my eldest DSD wrote on a card to me that she was glad I was marrying her dad because she could see I made him happy. I think that's not a bad place to start from - that you love your dad and are glad he's found someone else who appreciates him like you do and makes him happy. But you'd like to make things easier for him by having a more comfortable relationship with her.

And if you can acknowledge that you didn't find it easy as a child and realise that made it hard to have much of a relationship with her that might help move things forward. I think you're a good age to have that conversation now - I think most older adults realise that younger children and teens tend to see things in black and white and don't have much understanding of adult relationships.

Be aware that she may already know quite a lot about your life as it's possible your dad talks to her about you even though the two of you don't have much direct contact.

I absolutely disagree that you need to take some blame - you and your sister were children and it sounds like the adults behaved appallingly.

As a child it was foisted on you with no choice and you have clearly articulated the issues for a child - that need to be heard on this forum.

Now as an adult you are making an active choice and that is your right, to decide your own relationships.

I get your mother will be upset - I would have been devastated if my DCS decided to have a relationship with the OW later in life with the personwho treated them so badly when they were vulnerable children.

Go slowly and base it on now, not then and any hint of blame gaming and pointing out she is not the bad person - both she and your father made decisions that destroyed your life at the time - would give me vibes that she does not want this to work and I would back off.

Thank you all very much for your insights, that means a lot
@Bananas I am separating my feelings from my mum's, it's just that she can be quite difficult. I don't plan to rub it into her eyes (or tell her at all) because it has nothing to do with her. My dad's and my relationship improved a lot since I graduated from school and started Uni, that's why I am taking this step now. All this desperate "keeping two worlds apart" just feels awkward and unhealthy, even though it used to give me security as a child. My Dad said something similar to you, he is ready to hear what I felt back then and I hope it will be without being defensive or dismissive
@Candlelights to be honest, I don't care much about her personally (yet, I suppose that changes when I get to know her). I just will try to be more accommodating for my father's sake and see where it will go from there pretty much. I am not even sure if she wants all this.
@takeit Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. As I said, I won't tell my mother unless I really have to, but I pick my battles wisely and some things just aren't worth the hassle (I feel bad about lying to her, but she would give me an extremely hard time if she knew and there's only so much that I can take at once). I will be careful and I will tell them how I felt. I agree with you, if I notice she (or they) aren't up to it I will back off. But then I am officially not the one to blame if it comes up in the family, because I honestly tried

Good luck. I do get it I’m a step daughter too. Life is short and you have the rest of your life to have a great relationship with your Dad and your Mum.

OP - Good Luck - your last post resonates though. My Dad is now ready to hear what I felt back then.

I know you love him - but what a selfish arse- he should have been listening 10 yrs ago. I really hope this does not become - a you got it wrong, your mother etc

Hopefully their own insecurities have improved - not inviting you to his wedding really sums it up for me though. He did not stand up for his DCS - that speaks volumes.

Thank you both @Bananas and @takeit
About the wedding thing:
My dad didn't tell us he's getting married, but he still assumed that we would come, I don't know why. He had the date set for the summer holidays when we would have been with him, but when my sister and I found out we decided that we wouldn't stay until then, so it was our decision not to go (And I still think it was the right decision, everyone can fight me on this). I see how selfish he was and it causes me a lot of pain because this wasn't the father I knew and it isn't the father he is now. I want to understand why all this happened, if he did it to please his wife or if there were other reasons.

Whoops, I guess that's it with the name change. I am officially an idiot😅

I absolutely disagree that you need to take some blame - you and your sister were children and it sounds like the adults behaved appallingly

Bloody hell, cannot believe it was suggested that the OP (who was a child!) take some of the blame.

Honestly OP I think you are being really reasonable (much more than I would be, I am in the same situation as you) and I do not feel the need to 'improve' my relationship with my step mum. If anything your Father and step mum need to come grovelling to you.

As for the suggestion of sending the SM a card saying thank you for making my dad happy That would be fine if there was no OW situation, but the adults (both the DF and SM have behaved appallingly.

OP just wanted to add that I am in similar circumstances, with my DF constantly putting us second, which has obviously caused a lot of hurt over the years. I haven't been in therapy but probably need it but I too would like to hear it from my DF, although I don't think his pride would let that happen.

@holiday101 I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I hope you are able to find a solution that puts your mind at ease
I just hope my dad realises what he put us through and that I can find some peace, all this has been impacting my mental health and I can't do it anymore. That's the main reason I am offering an olive branch (and tbh I am secretly hoping for apologies).
I will definitely keep updating here/ask for support, either under this NC or my actual account, so a big "Thank you" to everyone who replied

Reading with interest. My dad also married OW who didn't care for us at all, same timelines as yours. She's stood in the way of a relationship with my half brother and tbh my wider paternal family. Dad is just as much to blame for not doing anything. I tried pouring my heart out, it didn't work. Despite 3-4 invites a year, SM and HB have visited me for a grand total of 30 minutes in 6 years. I always have to go to them. Sorry this isn't helpful but in my situation it hasn't got any better. I've had several rounds of counselling and come to the conclusion that I was a child, and this sad situation isn't my fault.

Hmmm...it's not an easy situation all around but you need to be honest here OP..You don't seem to want a better relationship with your fathers wife, you want better relationship with him and you want apologies..
For what excatly? For him cheating on your mum? That's really between him and her and I bet you have no idea how things truly were between them..I would say not great if he left her..

Or do you want him to apologize for not including you more? You admit they tried but you weren't into it then..you didn't want to be included as it made it more real..

If I were you I would concentrate on the relationship with your dad for the time being. I would tell him you would like to get to know his wife and leave it up to him&her to do something about it.
I would not expect an apology..you might be very disappointed with that and get you feelings hurt again.
Ultimately you are an adult now and as you mature you might forgive your dad..nobody is perfect after all, he too is only human..

whitecat - completely unnecessary - I would say not great if he left her.

You do not know and that is quite vile. My Ex left me because inbetween two kids, parents dying sister ill, child ill think ICU etc and a few other bits - I did not give him attention he felt he deserved.

In stepped good friend who did the necessary and we split up 18 months later he had left her realised that life was not quite as bad as he thought and he missed all the good things we had - which were many.

I haven one question OP. As a child of 9 how did you know your dad was cheating and that she was the OW?

The DC may just have been told the truth, toosassy: nothing wrong with that.

I would focus on your relationship with your father at first, and if opportunity allows speak to or see him alone a few times. You don’t actually have to spend much time with his wife to have a relationship with him.

An aquaintance who was the OW and after her now DP and his ex broke up continued the relationship long term never sees his adult DC from his previous relationship, at their request. He just sees his DC alone. They also have a very limited relationship with their smaller half siblings.

I’m a step mum and a step daughter. My mum and dad divorced when I was 17 and married my SM when I was 18, so there were never any holidays or overnights, so it’s a bit different. I assume SM was the OW, but I don’t think my mum covered herself in glory either.

I didn’t see my dad much for a couple of years - a combination of geography, being 18, and him having no idea how to deal with the situation. He married without telling us, which I was angry about, but only because I had wanted to be part of it.

Eventually I wrote him a card saying, much as you did, that he was important to me, I needed him to be my dad, and that SM seemed nice and I really didn’t have a problem with her. He didn’t ever acknowledge that, but he did become my dad again and I have a warm relationship with my SM. She’s good for him, and cares for him now he’s in his 70s and needs a bit of help now and again.

I am so glad it’s like this. I think our lack of interest in taking sides and persisting in assuming both parents and SM would be at family weddings has helped. My mum and dad are now cordial and kind to each other at events and ask after each other. Life is too short to let bitterness eat you up.

If I was your SM I would be wary, depending on how much of a nightmare teen you were 🙂, but I would welcome your overtures of friendship. I think you’re being very brave and adult, and I hope she’s a good enough person to respond positively.

Just re read that. “Our” refers to my brother and me. He seems to have adopted the same approach as I have, even though he is younger.

Okay I'll try to answer everyhing, so one thing after the other:

@Pret I am so sorry to hear this, this is actually the scenario I am afraid of and want to avoid

@WhiteCat Well, I know that I need to improve this relationship to her, because they are a couple, if I want it or not. They weren't exactly nice towards me (If you want I can write a lengthy account of these holidays we went on) and I don't think that I have to take the blame for it and smile, say "it's fine" and pretend nothing ever happened. We are all adults now, and as well as I have to own up to what I did wrong, they need to see their shortcomings too. I don't blame her or my dad for the divorce, but for the way they treated me, and while my parents' relationship wasn't going well, I am pretty sure there are more respectful ways of breaking up almost 20 years of being married

@takeit So sorry to hear about your seperation, this sounds incredibly painful

@TooSassy my parents told us the truth. Something along the lines of "Your dad has another woman now and will not longer live with us"

@Dozer That's the model with us as well at the moment, but it results in very limited time with my father and awkwardness when she's mentioned like "I shouldn't have said that", which I would like to stop

@WiseUp I am so happy to hear that everything worked out after all. I agree with you that bitterness is not the way to go. I was a nightmare teen, but not towards my SM, I maybe saw her once or twice during my "bad phase", so on the recieving end of my troublemaking were my parents and teachers (If they ever read this, I am SO sorry), In my teenage years I was always very polite to her, but in a "cold" way, if you know what I mean, always overly correct, but as I said, I maybe saw her once or twice

Well, I know that I need to improve this relationship to her, because they are a couple, if I want it or not. That’s a very positive place to start OP. As a step mum I’d appreciate this.

OP, I am so sorry that this was told to you. How utterly heartbreaking.

I completely disagree that there isn’t anything wrong with it. Everything is wrong with it. You were a child, with a child’s capability of emotional processing. And you were told ‘adult’ level information. That is completely unboundaried, not ok and so very incredibly damaging. When done to any child. It would have bought up a lot of very negative emotions and anger, I’m so sorry that happened to you. Have you ever had counselling over this?

I think wiseup’s advice is brilliant. And a great place to start. Hugs OP