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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Here's a debate

34 replies

PeppersTheCat · 13/04/2018 10:10

When DH decides to have his DC for extra days, should he consult you (the stepparent) before making arrangements with his ex?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WhiteCat1704 · 13/04/2018 10:33

Yes. Without a doubt.

Karigan1 · 13/04/2018 10:34

Yep like all appointments or things that may impact on your partners life in some way you check in case something else is happening

VimFuego101 · 13/04/2018 10:35

Yes. Not because you should expect to be able to veto it for no good reason, but you live in the same house and have a right to know who will be visiting.

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 13/04/2018 10:36

DH says it's none of my business.

OP posts:

ButtMuncher · 13/04/2018 10:38

Yup. You live in the same house. It's nothing to do with saying yes or no, it's just polite. I've been with my DH four years and he's never made plans without explicitly stating, even though we have a pretty standard routine.

Sammysees · 13/04/2018 10:53

Well if its none of your business then you won't be cooking or anything else if you don't know they're coming. Make yourself scarce with other plans! What a toss pot!

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 13/04/2018 10:59

Oh, if I make myself scarce he says I'm antisocial and nasty, and he threatens to split up with me.

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 13/04/2018 10:59

My initial reaction is yes, for all the reasons mentioned.

And then I wonder if I used to make arrangements for my kids (who lived with us) without telling my late-DH in advance, and think maybe I did in terms of how the holidays would fall between exH and I.
Having said that I'd check late-DH diary (we worked together), update my own and mostly discuss it as I was emailing exH.

So I'm sticking with yes.
And I think telling you it is none of your business is awful.

Candlelights · 13/04/2018 11:10

Yes, unless it's an emergency. Or sometimes he'll say yes, and then run it by me afterwards.

But I don't think I've really got a right to object unless there's some particular issue DH has forgotten about. Does your DP fear you'll object, and that's why he's saying it's none of your business?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/04/2018 11:12

In the circumstances you mention I would not call your relationship a partnership and would be calling it a day tbh.

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 13/04/2018 11:13

I've never said he couldn't see his DC. In fact, I have supported him through countless court hearings for more contact.

Ducks in a row.

OP posts:

CrazedAndDonfused · 13/04/2018 11:14

I don't know if "consulting" you is the right phrase (as if you're an expert on when he should see his kids) but he should let you know what his plans are and not expect you to bend for them if it doesn't work for you.

pannikin · 13/04/2018 11:15

Your whole life is just drama. You don't like his dd, what do you get out of this 'relationship'?

PatriciaHolm · 13/04/2018 11:16

You again.

You know he's abusive.

You don't like your stepchild.

Why do you persist?

CrazedAndDonfused · 13/04/2018 11:20

Oh god it's you - yes this takes a different spin when recalling all the things you've said about your DSD and how you are resentful of her for liking the same type of chocolates as you

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 13/04/2018 11:21

Ducks in a row first. He gaslights me so I have to make threads like this to see if aibu. I second-guess myself all the time.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 13/04/2018 11:54

Yes, it’s called manners.

lunar1 · 13/04/2018 11:55

It's one of those things isn't it, yes he should ask you, but you can't really say no.

But from your follow up post you should just LTB.

lunar1 · 13/04/2018 11:58

Oh hell, I didn't see you were the chocolate poster. You probably are nasty if that thread is anything to go by. Either way you need to split up.

Dancingmonkey87 · 13/04/2018 12:00

Don’t get sucked in this op doesn’t even have contact properly with her own dc and has numberous threads about her dislike and distain for her dsd

iBiscuit · 13/04/2018 12:00

Inform, yes. Consult, no.

swingofthings · 13/04/2018 12:01

If he intends to do all the looking after them he should at least inform you. If he e pets you to participate he should discuss it with you.

Problem is your relationship sounds beyond doing anything to shoe you value the other so...

lookingforaline18 · 13/04/2018 15:10

If it's none of your business then you don't have to help then do you? He can't have it both ways.

Handsfull13 · 13/04/2018 18:24

Yes. Definitely, because it effects your life together. You wouldn't be able to say no without a valid reason but you should be at least consulted.
On another note do you really want to be with someone who says you have no say in your life with him when it involves his child. Which let's be honest can seem as most things.
Also who threatens to leave someone for not just going alone with what they've decided. Do you really want him to stay after that?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/04/2018 00:18

Yes he should. DP also told me it was nothing to do with me. Years later he finally agreed with me. Then he asked his EW who went mental that I was being even included and said I was ‘nothing to do with our kids’. Except that I had to look after them! What a nightmare.

Funnily enough it was usually instigated last minute by EW to kick the kids out when her BF stayed. Which is ironic!

Of course it is right to be consulted, it affects you both. You are a team. Of course both of you and EW need to be reasonable, I was usually fine if I had enough notice or it was an emergency.

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