Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

What should I do or feel like?

14 replies

CORNFLAKE2 · 11/05/2007 20:47

After 12 years of raising my stepson now 16 with his dad he left a note on the door and his mum took him to live with her (no warning or discussion)He is not going to school (year 11) and has only been in touch once after I sent him a card and easter egg. He's been gone two months and not responded to last note inviting him to visit over two weeks ago. Mum neglected him when very young and worried about what kind of life he's now leading. Dad is very very hurt. What would you do? I don't what I feel about him anymore but I used to really love him.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hester · 12/05/2007 09:22

So very sorry for you. No advice I'm afraid but thought I would give it a bump.

fortyplus · 12/05/2007 09:26

He's a teenager and the idea of 'leaving home' is appealing. I know people whose step children have done this when issues have arisen - clever little sods - it's the ultimate slap in the face to the parent who has brought them up.

However... they've all got back in touch after a while.

My advice - not very profound - is that he's seeking a bit of space and distance from his dad... give it to him.

It's just as much a form of attention seeking behaviour as throwing his dummy down when he was 2.

He'll be back the first time his mum upsets him.

Carmenere · 12/05/2007 09:33

Listen to 40+, she speaks sense. I would be very suprised if you had really stopped loving him, if you diddn't love him you probably wouldn't be that bothered. Even if he doesn't come back when his mum annoys him he probably will in a couple of years anyway when his hormones settle down and he gains some maturity.
Meanwhile I can't help but think that it must be nice for him that his mum wanted him to live with her particularly if that was not always the case. Maybe there is a possibility that this will be a healthy thing in his life, particularly if you and your dh support him, even if that just means letting him know he can come home at anytime.

edam · 12/05/2007 09:48

Fortyplus is right. I bet he couldn't resist his mum asking him - must have been something he'd dreamed of for years. However awful some parents are, we all seek their approval, especially as teenagers (oddly enough, given the appalling way they tend to behave).

FWIW my sister was a real nightmare teenager. Horrid until (I'm afraid) her early 20s. Then got her life sorted quite quickly and is now a responsible, lovely adult. I agree you just have to give him room to make his mistakes and be there for him when he wants to get in touch. However frustrating that is. Many teenagers don't really do empathy so not a huge amount to be gained by expecting him to understand how hurt you are. Unfortunately. (Bet he would hate it if you weren't bothered, though.) Teenagers are bloody complicated!

fortyplus · 12/05/2007 10:14

Thank you, ladies...

Completely agree that - after his mother's neglect when he was young - the thought of her wanting him back must be a boost for him.

Maybe tensions have also arisen between you about staying on at school? If he felt pressured into it and his mum allows him to get away with truanting then he's too young and naive to understand that this doesn't make her the 'good guy'.

Would he be likely to do well with GCSEs if he was attending school? It's a tough time for any teenager.

Original poster

CORNFLAKE2 · 12/05/2007 12:41

Thankyou everyone - similar to what friends and family say. We were nagging him a fair bit about homework with GCSEs looming. His mums lifestyle is utterly different to ours including no work ethic and he seemed to want to live that life and resent everything we encouraged him to do. It does feel like we have picked him up every time she let him down, paid for everything and gave him as good a childhood as we could but this cannot compete with his desperation to make sure his mum wants him now.Plus he now has a young brother here which I cannot help but adore even though we tried to include him as much as we could with the age gap.

OP posts:

Original poster

CORNFLAKE2 · 12/05/2007 12:53

I think what makes us so angry is that he knows we would have supported him to go live there once he'd finished school - he didn't need to leave like that. I'd actually asked him if he was planning to live with his mum two weeks before to give him chance to talk about it. And what kind of mother thinks it's ok for their son to cut off from half his family ; it's not healthy for him. She hasn't even had the courtesy to phone us. Yet I have phoned her about issues with him over the years so she knows whats happening.

OP posts:

matilda57 · 17/05/2007 00:43

oh dear. What a really upsetting situation

Teens are just horrible - period. Add to this the amount of say kids get (was I really going to say 'these days'!) and they tend to use the power that society gives them to do exactly what they like.

It must be so hurtful that he has gone. He is 16 though, and his mother irresponsibly inviting him to live with her would have been too much at a time when he is starting to seriously kick against his parents (which means his dad and you - ie the people who brought him up). I have a 16 yr old boy and I know FULL WELL that if a more 'attractive' option came up he'd take it. And he'd probably give me a kick on the way out just to say (Malcolm in the Middle theme) 'you're not the boss of me now!'. They are just HORRIBLE.

Though I think there is no doubt whatsoever that he'll be back. No idea how long, but he will come back to you. He's got to dot the i's and cross the t's in his life - his mother is going to be a massive issue that needs resolving. Is he still doing his GCSEs btw?

KerryMum · 17/05/2007 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

matilda57 · 17/05/2007 09:44

Hang on a minute though - I frequently wonder if I love my kids tbh! I know I do - deeply - but they hurt me SO much (both teenagers). I dropped ds off at school today for his first GCSE and he was so horrible, nasty and spiteful, I drove all the way home in tears.

I think for a child (teen) to literally dump you and bugg*r off (or that's how it looks right now) is amazingly hurtful, particularly if you feel you have given him a lot, when he isn't even your own child cornflake. I think resentment and hatred might feature a bit here for you... as well as grief, loss, rejection, outrage, jealousy.. but they will pass. IME teens drag your emotions around to an extreme level - all over the place; emotions you didn't even know you had.

So as for you saying you don't know what you 'should' feel - honey, let it roll. It's better out than in, and if dh can't take it then find somebody else who can. You need to rant - when the shock has subsided.

big HUG.

Original poster

CORNFLAKE2 · 17/05/2007 18:12

Happier now he's been to see us again. DH phoned him and brought him over. Steering clear of GCSE issue or anything that might cause his heels to dig in. Just glad we're building bridges again. Kerrymum I take your point; but I really worry about how unconditional love can be when children aren't your own. It's harder work and far more complicated than own children but I would never turn my back on him; even if I ever split from his dad.DH is very understanding and supportive of how I feel (which is pretty mixed feelings at the moment!). Thanks for replies

OP posts:

matilda57 · 18/05/2007 18:19

Great news that you're seeing him again (phew)

Original poster

CORNFLAKE2 · 11/11/2007 16:19

It's now three months since we last saw him. He isn't replying to letters, texts, phone calls or invites to just take him out for sunday dinner.He doesn;t reply to any of the rest of the family - we have no idea what he is doing. It overshadows our life and his dad is so upset. Christmas is looming and if he doesn't get in touch, which I don't think he will, there's a danger we'll let it spoil christmas. He might be young and immature but how can he be so cruel to his dad?

OP posts:

babbi · 11/11/2007 19:38

Hi Cornflake

So sorry that you are feeling bad.
If it helps my SS did exactly the same ! Identical after years of me and DH bringing him up. Your story really could be mine !
40 + all she says is true -he wants to be needed by Mum for a while it will be good and then novelty will wear off - he will see her through more mature eyes than his memories as a youngster. It will be tough for him to face up to the fact that the ideal he has gone off chasing is different from what he imagined and he will need you both then. In my case SS returned after 4 months tail firmly between his legs , apologised to myself and his Dad.
I promise you this will only be temporary - you are his harbour that he will eventually come back for shelter .
Take care

Flip