Blending old/new family

[Mum2girls12]

As the title says really. I'm new here to NetMums so bare with me please. Posting as advice is really needed..

So to cut a long story short my DP & I split 3 years ago after an 8 year relationship & 2 children together. Around 8 months ago we then began falling for each other again and decided to make a go of things .. here's the catch. During that time we separated he got another woman pregnant after a very short time. Baby is now 8 months so was very much there as we had begun "dating" again.
At the beginning I had no involvement, he would see the baby at his ex's house (her choice) in order for him to bond before he began having her on his own.
We now have her once a week all day and soon to start overnight visits in next few weeks.

Last night I found myself blurting out that I was struggling having to spend every weekend with his child and at what point do we do things as "our family". Don't shoot me for this as I've read others comments. I fully accept that he has a daughter, I am in therapy for other stuff but do talk about my grief towards our family unit no longer being how I'd like it - just us 4. Not us 4 + a baby & an ex who makes life very hard.
My DP replied "you knew what you were taking on, you knew I had another child now". Which in his defence he's right & I know I'm being a right selfish cow right now.
I know of no one who is in this situation so very hard to ask for advice. How do I come to terms with acceptance of him having another child who's not mine? This is grief talking, even as I write this I hear it.
It's just hard.

I have a large involvement in his daughters life, I'm always here if I'm not at work when she's here. We play, I buy things for her & do all the things a normal mother would do & I do love spending time with her. I'm just feeling a little suffocated that I'm expected to be ok with never having my time with our children anymore.

Don't judge me & call me selfish - I already know that. I'm looking for guidance.
Thank you.

Does the mum work at weekends? Having a stepchild every weekend is a lot. It sounds like you have her when your h isn't around too which is maybe too much too soon for you?

I really respect your honesty. Step relationships are different and 'difficult' and there's no point denying your true feelings to yourself.
I would keep those feelings to yourself at the moment though, and not express them to your husband. Your husband can't spend less time with her- wouldn't you lose respect for a man who gave up on his child?
You should explore this with your therapist because it's massive. There is grief for the family that you imagined and have now lost.
From what you say, you do care for and look after this child. That may, over time, develop into affection then genuine love for her because you sound like a loving parent. Your love for her may be DIFFERENT from the love for your children- this is to be expected.
The child isn't going to go away. The situation isn't going to go away. You need to come to some sort of acceptance, with the support of your therapist.

Thanks for the replies.
Mum doesn't work at all, I've dealt with a lot of anger towards her also - grief yet again. She asks dad to go over to her house during the week as well as having every weekend visits, he's tired so doesn't tend to go. She gets angry about this that was are playing "happy families". Far from it, it's really hard to move on as I view it as infedility even though rationally it's not. He had his freedom to be with others during our split. I chose to be alone.

Without a doubt i would lose respect for a man choosing not to be in the child's life. Admittedly he wasn't around during mums pregnancy as he didn't want the baby but with my support he made the right choice Eventually.

DP is always there when his daughters there but the problem is - so am I. Always.
I am a carer, student, mum so my life is very busy and admittedly love my alone time to reflect & process on my own needs.

He almost seems scared to have all 3 children on his own so then makes the plans for when I'm there to help out.
It's literally suffocating 😢

Tell him to make plans and to take all the kids out by himself.

Yes, he’s had another kid but you don’t need to be there every time she’s over. Make yourself busy. Take you and your kids out.

Also can’t you have a night in the week and do EOW instead of every weekend ?

I’m a step mum and we do EOW, I wouldn’t agree to every weekend tbh as I want to do stuff with my own family and we do.

I don’t think your selfish, I personally wouldn’t be able to get back with a partner that had a child while we split.

You did agree with getting back together even though you knew he had another child but you didn’t agree to play mum to his child every time she come over, tell him he needs to parent his own child and take her out, and spend time with all 3 kids together without you

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a bit of your weekend time to be just the 4 of you. Maybe your OH needs to see a bit of his DD in the week and then put his foot down a bit about having the baby only one day at the weekend? Alternate weekends might work better when the child is a bit older. Your children too need to get a bit of time doing family things without a baby in tow. Having the baby every weekend doesn't seem fair if it's the only free time you all get together.

Sounds like the baby's mum is finding it hard him being back with his family :( She might get a bit easier in time, maybe if she has a new partner herself, and once the baby is a bit older

Coughs this is mumsnet not netmums

Sounds like your dp is trying to add his new dd immediately into your family that you already created and your finding it hard. I’m surprised a baby so young will be going to overnights but I think it might be best if he focuses on some one to one time with his dd could you and your dc go out maybe shopping or the cinema? I know you admit feeling angry about the situation but remember this woman just had a baby and was left and her ex is now back with his dp and his family and she’s left holding the baby.

I have a large involvement in his daughters life, I'm always here if I'm not at work when she's here. We play, I buy things for her & do all the things a normal mother would do & I do love spending time with her. I'm just feeling a little suffocated that I'm expected to be ok with never having my time with our children anymore.

It might be harsh but you have to come to terms with the fact you aren’t her mother and accept that and readjust your expections accordingly. I think the fact your doing so much won’t help and your dp is allowing you to do so. He needs to take responsibility. I wouldn’t be able to be a step parent in those circumstances tbh.

Are you just spending a lot of time together or living together?

Oh what a sad situation for you all. He did get someone else pregnant pretty quickly. That is not your fault.There must be so many emotions going around. The mother of his other child sounds distraught too. She may well be asking for a lot to keep him close, however he does have a responsibility to this child, who is going to grow up knowing that she is the odd one out.

This is so hard I think I’d be going to counselling. I do think you do need space just as your own family, but be careful of pushing the other child out. I agree EOW would be better, maybe when she is older. At the moment one day every week and some evenings does sound fair enough. Sorry I know how hard it is. However she’s quite small still and not gone overnight as yet.

My apologies for naming the site wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️.

Yes it's been a difficult few months, one that I have bounced back & forward over. Perhaps that's where the problem lies - with me. Some days I'm filled with doubt if I can really do this, other days it's great. It just depends which part of my I choose to listen to.

Me and baby's mum do talk, we have both expressed how we feel after what's happened. She now has a new partner, has done since baby was born. We do try to be amicable but sadly takes it all so personal when plans have changed. I totally understand she must be devastated, angry etc. I was when I found out she was pregnant which she couldn't wait to find my on fb and message me.

I guess deep down I'm looking for reassurance of would this work? Me and DP have been through a lot to be the people we are now but sometimes feels as though there's too many obstacles in the way.

Totally agree with taking expectations off myself, I have repeatedly told him I'm not the baby's mum. She has one already.
I guess without being so heavily involved I feel like an outsider ... that's the hardest part.

OP, don't be so hard on yourself. Who would have breezed in this situation and not experience all the feelings you are going through.

The only thing that will help is time so let it guide you. The only thing that matters is trying not to let your feelings impact on this little girl who has landed in this mess, but again, as she is so young, there will be plenty of time to establish a bond and start seeing her for herself rather than the baby that made everything so much harder for you.

Don't keep all your feelings from your OH, he needs to know how you feel, but try to do it in such a way that he won't take it as you trying to make him feel guilty so that he doesn't respond in a defensive manner. You are in it together and both need to be there for each other.

How do I come to terms with acceptance of him having another child who's not mine?

I could never do that. Do you really think that you can, or are you just pretending?

Does the mum work at weekends? Having a stepchild every weekend is a lot

Mother has the baby 6 days a week, father has her one. How is that a lot?

I was not in your position but am a step parent.
I feel so sad for you all but mostly for the little girl stuck in the middle.
Imagine growing up seeing your dad with his family but your only allowed to be part of that eow... Sorry OP, but you come accross really resentful, you want your children to have full time access to their father and a happy family situation and you don't want this interloper spoiling it.
Your argument that you want time on your own doesn't really make sense as you have the other two children all the time... They are not off at the weekends with a different parent.
I have always found it tricky when step parents don't see all the children as equal in a family but maybe I was lucky as my dp and I had two girls each and both agreed on the principles of 'one family'.
I haven't got any advice except please think about this poor little girl and how she might feel when she's older and your dh.. Maybe he wants to see her every weekend? He will love her as much as he loves your other two and I think that is what your struggling with

My children do see their dad everyday yes and so do I, I would never expect him to spend less time with her at all. I encourage time .. just weekends are precious to me as 2 out of the 4 I work all weekend.

Resentful perhaps. It's acceptance that takes a while. You don't think I judge myself everyday for feeling the way I do? I know this poor baby didn't choose any of it which is why when she's here I do all I can to make her feel accepted. I do not pretend at all. I am very open with my feelings whether I get judged for it or not which I'm sensing right now.

My situation may not appeal to others and that's ok.

I get the feeling you have painted a picture of me that I exclude his dd from my life which I do not do. I simply ask for reassurance from others who step parent in a healthy manner without the history of our previous relationship if that makes sense.

I dont think i could do this. Your dp cant think very much of his original family if he impregnates a woman as soon as you break up. Its all very Jeremy Kyle. Sorry OP. I feel for the poor little girl stuck in the middle and the woman left as a single parent, admittedly as a result of some awful choices.

Its all a bit too soon to be blending families. I think let your dh parent without you. Definitely dont be his back up. His choices are one broken family or two. With his track record I'd be facing facts that you and your dc are really a family of 3. Dont you worry he will go off again and find someone else as easily as he did last time? Or perhaps get back with the mother of his other child?

Youre awarding yourself the booby prize and giving yourself a hard time about being a selfish cow. You are certainly not that, but nor are you a saint. I think your dsd needs time with her brothers sisters and daddy. I think you should let him parent them more without you. I think its reasonable to get a weekend without dsd in favour of he has her more time midweek. Ease into the nee arrangement. He seems to be holding you to ransom saying you knew what you were taking on. I dont think you appreciated when you got back with him how much it changed / ruined your family life.

Its not like a normal step situation it is a kind of infidelity. He didnt have enough commitment to his original family not to make a new one. Its irrelevant you were broken up as it was clearly more of a pause in your relationship. Yes fuck other people, yes have feelings for them, but getting her pregnant? 😲 Didn't think enough of his son and daughter not to have unprotected sex. How thick/irresponsible is he?!

Could be change things a bit so that he has his DD most of the time when you're at work and safeguards at least 1 weekend day a fortnight for just being with you and your older kids? My DH has always had his DC every weekend and I did find that hard at first not having any time at all with just us. We booked the odd weekend to go away without them and knowing that was happening helped quite a bit.

Or could you try and make more of the weekday evenings to spend some quality time with the 4 of you?

I think the problem is your situation isn’t excately the same as your standard step parent step up when you or your dp have dc then have dc together, it’s the reversal and to you this child has destroyed your family unit and now everything seems catered to her needs. How are your dc coping with this it must be extremely confusing? I couldn’t do this and I think it’s going to be a case of accept her into your family but make your dp takes on the majority of the role.

Can you really do this OP? I really couldn't and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.

this child has destroyed your family unit and now everything seems catered to her needs

Nothing is catered to this childs needs¬!

I think one of the problems here OP, is that your kind of seeing it as him cheating....but that's not the case.

You split 3 years ago...and just got back together about 8 months ago.

If the baby is 8 months old, then he was with the mother before you started falling for each other. I hope I've understood and expressed that correctly.

It's not an easy situation for you.

Slievenamon

From op POV that’s how she feels and her and her original family unit are taking a back seat, she expressed this in her op. Of course the child should be priority and most women would struggle to with this step up.

I fail to see how anyone can think a baby has destroyed a family unit.
The two people who made the baby.. Maybe.. But even then the OP's dh was not with her at the time. He didn't cheat, he was in a relationship which has produced a child.
Now he is a new relationship with OP, and his child needs access and accommodating.
If the OP doesn't like that maybe she should not have got back together with him

I know somone who was in exactly this position,, and I have to say it did not work for her, so they split again! There were just too many greiveances, problems, anxieties and arguments!
I suppose it can work for some people, but it'd take a hell of a lot of working out and compromising....mostly on your part, I would think!