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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

21 replies

Lacinda · 10/04/2018 15:57

Im not going to make this as long winded as I could do...

DSD has very sore chicken pox. She is 6 and keeps asking me to put the anti-itch cream on her vagina.

She's not comfortable with her dad doing it.

Should I feel comfortable doing this as she isn't my daughter?

Would this, as her biological mother make you feel uncomfortable?

Am I bring ridiculous to even think that this is an issue?

I just want her out of pain...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fairypuff · 10/04/2018 15:59

If you're worried that her mum would make an issue out of it can you contact her and ask her to ok it? Or ask her what she would have you do?

Chasingsquirrels · 10/04/2018 16:00

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable about this as the mother (but that doesn't mean hers won't).

Can you help her to do it herself?

theredjellybean · 10/04/2018 16:00

Do you have any relationship with her mother? Could you txt her and explain, maybe say your happy to treat dsd but just wanted mum to know?
I agree it's ridiculous your a responsible adult with caring responsibilities to this little girl.
But can see you don't want any untoward fallout

Ilovemalteaserbunnies · 10/04/2018 16:02

At 6 she could probably do it herself under your supervision if you explain how (you wouldn't have to watch her too closely just make sure she doesn't eat it / put it in her eyes etc)

Original poster

Lacinda · 10/04/2018 16:02

I don't speak to her mum and her dad is fine with it. As DP has said it is ok I don't think he would be best pleased me asking permission from his ex when he's already given me the go ahead.

I can't believe I'm even worried about it to be honest but just wanted reassurance that it's not a weird thing for a step mother to do!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lacinda · 10/04/2018 16:03

I did try to get her to do it herself but she was in tears and just wanted me to do it. It took me two seconds and was done. Just so much easier!

OP posts:

DCITennison · 10/04/2018 16:07

Your dp should respect your feelings, they’re perfectly valid.
It would be an entirely healthy and grown up thing to have a quick chat with the mum and make sure she is also ok with this.

Perfectly1mperfect · 10/04/2018 16:10

Contact her mum if you feel there's an issue, I think it would be terrible if her mum had an issue with it though. If it were me I would expect my ex partner to have chosen a new partner that is a normal safe suitable person to be around children ! The poor child is ill and is asking for you to do something to make her feel better. It's awful you have to think like this.

Failing contacting her mum and you still feeling uncomfortable, could she manage to put it on herself with supervision.

Poor little girl, chicken pox is miserable, hope she's better soon.

Perfectly1mperfect · 10/04/2018 16:13

X post, just seen you don't speak to mum and the daughter can't manage it herself.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your partner to just mention it in text to his ex, so that you feel more comfortable. If he won't, and you feel uncomfortable then just have him 'around' whilst you do it just in case mum has an issue.

SandAndSea · 10/04/2018 16:14

Could you make up an ice pack of sorts for her to sit on or hold in place wherever she needs it?

laloup1 · 10/04/2018 16:20

If you do it, put the cream on cotton wool and apply it with that?

laloup1 · 10/04/2018 16:22

Ah sorry. Didn’t see you had done it already. Hope it’s helping her feel better.
(I would get a call from the police if I did it but that’s just my crappy situation :-/)

lunar1 · 10/04/2018 17:32

Is the reason you don't speak to her mum just because there it hasn't come up, or because of problems? If it's due to any animosity then I really wouldn't. For your benefit.

NorthernSpirit · 10/04/2018 17:51

I wouldn’t feel comfortable at all doing this (not because i’m uncaring but because my OH’s EW is extremely vitriolic). I know my OH would feel uncomfortable doing this and I would be concerned that the EW would in some way use it against me (sad I know).

I don’t converse with the EW and don’t intend to. In this case I would ask my OH to ask his EW what she wants to to. If we had her written consent that she was ok with doing it then fine.

privateporcupine · 10/04/2018 17:56

All I can say is that I wouldn’t have minded DS’ SM doing that for him. Though he’s a boy, so would probably have preferred dad to do it .

That’s a shame for your DSD. But she’s obviously very comfortable around you, which can only be a good thing.

Kirta · 10/04/2018 17:59

Could you just supervise and guide her to do it herself? Pop some on a cotton pad and ask her to put it where it itches?

HollowTalk · 10/04/2018 18:01

I'd put it onto cotton wool and let her do it herself. If she wanted help then yes, I would help her.

negomi90 · 10/04/2018 18:09

I don't think there's anything wrong with it (your DSD needed it, and has the right to choose which available adult she felt most comfortable with), but I think your DH needs to warn his ex.
Otherwise there's a risk that your DSD will say something innocent and it could get totally misconstrued by her mum.
Making sure her mum knows could potentially save all 3 of you (mum, your DH and you) and lot of anxiety and stress.

Original poster

Lacinda · 10/04/2018 18:37

Thanks all. There's no animosity. She doesn't get on with DP but I only see her when I pick little one up. She always invites me in and is very pleasant. I have no reason to think she will have an issue with it. I just worry as I hear horror stories of this kind of thing! Think I'll just make sure DP is present.

I did try to get her to do it herself initially but she was in tears because it was itching her so much and was almost begging me to do it for her.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 11/04/2018 07:47

I think it’s fine; your other option was to leave her in pain which isn’t right.
Could your dp mention it in passing to her Mum when he drops off?

GeorgeTheHippo · 11/04/2018 21:00

I think it's fine.

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