Don't think it will work if it continues. help

[doubledecker]

My dp moved in a year ago nearly. He was great at first really fun etc and although i know it's not gonna be like that all the time and you get bogged down with everyday life etc. I feel this evening that i'm not sure if things can continue like this. We keep arguing over the kids i wanna show a united front, i feel some of the things he tells the kids off about are silly and over the top, and making every single thing what they do an argument. i can't pin point a thing at the minute but we did have a argument over a drinking straw the other day.

I love him so much but i feel i'm treading on egg shells not sure what i'm asking but feel better for getting it off my chest tbh. i want us to have the same opinions on parenting and stop telling them for small things that really don't need to be an issue but he's made them one. I don't know i feel really down and confussed and worried.

not sure what to say but i didn't want your thread to go unanswered. my dh is stepdad to my 3 older dcs and they get on well almost all the time. (we've been together for about 6 years now) my dcs are very cheeky to him and occasionally overstep the mark and a few insults are exchanged!
basically he doesn't try and be a dad to them. do your los have their dad around? how old are they?
perhaps you should write down some of the things that are happening and then look at them a few days later and see if they are really petty or if there is some sort of pattern to them. i don't think you can expect to have the same opinions tbh. however it's horrible to feel you're treading on egg shells. can't you just tell him what you're worried about?

Do you still do the fun things you all used to do to break the daily grind? Do you two still make the effort for dates etc? After 14 years with my husband plus kids we need reminding to have 'dates' still to keep adult communication going. It is easy to feel like a hamster on a treadmill. Always have something to look forward to every few weeks as a family and as a couple

Are they your kids? If so, I think what you are talking about is a common step parent/step child thing. I read somewhere that often Sp are much harder on skids than natural parents, and I think quite often this is true.

It is important to be united on big things, but I think you need to talk to him about trivial things, as unless this is out in the open it will get hharder.

Also does he have kids of his own? If he doesn't then he may have different expectations of behaviour etc than somebody with children would.

Watching this one with interest as could do with some advice on exactly the same topic, have been having a mental argument with myself all day with what i could say to him...

V. interested in fizzbuzz's comments that this is a common thing...any ideas on how to deal with it fizzbuzz?

I would so hate for my children to grow up resenting thier stepdad but at the moment feel the whole eggshell thing going on and wonder if its a case of my happiness or thiers.....no need to guess which one wins.

I think parenting is a potential area for conflict, regardless of whether you have dsc or dc. People just have different attitudes. With my dsc, I try to let the small stuff go and only pick them up on stuff which I consider to be important, like saying please and thank you and table manners. As they get better at one thing, I move on to the next, so now it is encouraging them to make their beds in the morning and washing up their breakfast bowls...

I think you have to take one thing at a time, otherwise you end up criticizing everything they do.

Hmm - read it too quickly and just realised you're not the sp in this one! But nevertheless, maybe suggest to your dp that you agree one area of behaviour to "work on" at a time.

I can't remember where I read it, but have seen it a few times. There was no info on how to deal with it.........

I don't think you can expect a step-parent to feel the same. I do my dsc's washing, cook for them and do the washing up afterwards, but I do it from a sense of duty and not because of parental devotion. I am sure there are lots of things you overlook because of the level of devotion you feel for your natural child, but that just doesn't exist for a step-parent and I don't think you can simply replicate it. Perhaps if you and your dp have your own child, he will have a better understanding of where you're coming from, but until then, I suspect he just doesn't get it!

Bio parents have a long time to set up their family environment. They develop together - your children learn to be children at the same rate that you learn to be a parent. It is quite possible that you too once went through a stage where every little thing mattered. But your child was just a baby, and gurgled and cooes his or her way through it and eventually you learnt how to let your child be themsleves without losing your own sense of self in the process.

Step parents don't have this developmental process. They come into the situation cold, and it is harder if they've not got any children of their own. You've learnt over the years what matteres and what doesn't, when your child is being a wind up and when they're just being themselves.

Some step parents just can't handle this. They take everything rather personally and tend to make an issue out of every little thing. From my experience on another step parenting board your relationship will go one of two ways.

Your partner may learn to relax, and take it easy around the kids, and to follow your lead on parenting. To get there, he needs to learn to take a step back, to disengage and not take things personally. He needs to feel appreciated for the step dad that he is, and not feel mortally offended that he's not being treated like a dad (especially if the dad is still on the scene).

Or your partner may just get worse, putting you and your children through a living hell before you finally kick him out but by then the emotional trauma inflicted on your children and yourself may not be repairable.

The only way I know of to go down route 1 is to be completely honest. Firstly with each other. He needs to tell you all the time how he is feeling, and he needs to feel comfortable that you're not going to judge him for it. A lot of what step parents feel is illogical, and they know it. It isn't anything that they'll ever act on for the most part or let affect the way they treat the kids but it is there. He needs to be able to tell you that he felt left out the other day because one of the kids handed you the tomato sauce first instead of him - he knows that is illogical and he isn't really upset about it, but he is still new to being a step dad and these are the sorts of illogical insecurities that all new parents go through. Just because the kids aren't newborns doesn't mean it is any different
Secondly you need to be completely honest with yourself. If you feel that the relationship is going down route number 2 then don't try and salvage it, or feel you have to try and work at it. But your kids welfare first and get out.

Being a sp at weekends I can totally relate to how what GG says. I too take things much more personally and sometimes take things right out of perspective . But it is very hard to take a step back and not be a mum or dad to another child,especially when Ive known them for years, it really causes upsets with my Dp. And the most difficult thing is we really dont get any us time at weekends as my dp wants to spend every minute with his ds to make up for not seeing him in the week. Im not able to get through to dss anymore as he is growing up he has become more distant and I mostly dont have much patience when it comes to his moods and attention seeking behaviour as I have tried to help him stop behaving like it. I ve put it down to the fact his mum can be very much like that. My dp gets through to him 99% of the time so I would recommend that his dad should talk with him, maybe take him out just the 2 of them for a day spending time getting to the root of it all.