Trolls on MN

[wiccan41]

Why are there so many nasty people on here and allowed to reply nasty things when people need support.
Amazes me how sad some low life’s are sitting behind a screen ripping a person apart all because they’re own lives are so empty

I think it’s time to leave this disgusting site

Admin you don’t do a good job

Why are you posting this in step parenting?

AIBU is the best place to dish out a telling off or Site Stuff if you want to make a proper complaint.

Agreed, it should be here if you want people to see it.

What's happened?

Wow OP I just saw your other post and can see what you mean. The best thing to do with the step parenting board is to ignore that absolute step mum haters. There are a lot of mums and step mums on here who do have some really good advise. Hopefully they will be along soon to help you out.

Agree with sci-fi. You have to have a tough skin as a SM and also as a poster here!

Don’t feed those SM haters, there are quite a few here who are EWs and not SMs. Ignore and take advice from those who do have some idea of what you are going through. We are around!

Sending you hugs wiccan, there are some truly vicious people here.. swear some are just bitter ExWs looking for revenge by locking in on SMs and abusing people who are asking for help, people they don't know in situations they know nothing about! Get a life I say to them! Also there are MUCH better step-parenting forums that this! I hope you can find some support x
I will look for your other post.

Don’t take any notice OP. So many bitter EW’s trolling this page as they can’t get over their anger and bitterness. This page should be a safe place for DSM’s to vent or seek advice and instead we end up defending ourselves because we dared get together with a man who has kids.

I've seen the thread you're referring to OP. You were very unlucky, it's not always like that. Maybe give it another chance. The bitterness very much goes BOTH ways on this board.

Try and rise above them! There's a lot of SM haters but there's quite a lot of us who know how bloody difficult it is and try to offer support.

There are actually more evil stepmothers here than stepmother haters. I say that as a stepmother, not that that should matter.

'There are actually more evil stepmothers here than stepmother haters. I say that as a stepmother, not that that should matter.

If this is a joke, well played.'

If it’s not a joke it’s plain offensive. People come on here when times are tough. When they need some outside perspective. This forum kicks a lot of people when they are down.

It isn't a joke. There are lots of appalling stepparents on here. Stepparents who resent the child maintenance paid, resent the stepchildren having bedrooms, coming on holidays, wanting time with their parent. They resent the very existence of their stepchildren.

Those stepparents should clearly never have dated someone with children, but go on to start their own families with a parent and then come on here moaning about the hated stepchildren.

It is not stepparent bashing to remind them these are kids, they were there before the relationship and they have rights. It may feel for the stepparent those are "tough times", but they were entirely predictable. I sometimes think a lot of people hope the contact and money transfers will fizzle out soon when they start dating a parent.

If you resent having to contribute to the upbringing of other people's children, resent your children having to share resources with others and your partner having family commitments outside of your own kids and yourself, don't date a parent.

Paxillin I disagree... That's not the normal type of post step mother's put up on here but is frequently interpreted that way.

Being a step parent is so hard and it's not safe to talk about those feelings in real life. This board is a safe place to make those feelings voiced and for the most part not feel so alone.

It's very easy to say you know what you were getting into when you started dating someone with kids. I strongly disagree with that too. Everyone's circumstances are different!

Paxillin I disagree... That's not the normal type of post step mother's put up on here but is frequently interpreted that way

I agree with this actually. If a mother comes on to vent about her own children she'll likely get sympathy but if a step-mother wants to vent about her step-children, she'll be torn to shreds.

It isn't a joke. There are lots of appalling stepparents on here. Stepparents who resent the child maintenance paid, resent the stepchildren having bedrooms, coming on holidays, wanting time with their parent. They resent the very existence of their stepchildren

I haven't seen too many like this on here but it these people definitely exist in RL. My own DDs step-mother resented her so much that her father's now gone from her life, no contact, no maintenance - nothing. The step-mother resented the impact DD was having on their social life(she doesn't have kids). Obviously not just blaming her - he should've had the balls to stand up to her.

People come on here when times are tough. When they need some outside perspective
The problem is that some are not interesting in hearing outside perspective at all. They come here to hear how must thread conclude, and that is all their problems is nothing to do at all to anything they do but all down to the jealous, manipulative, bitter ex.

No doubt that this is true in some cases, but every single one? Nobody is perfect and step-parenting issues are tough for everyone, but it's difficult when some posters absolutely refuse to reflect on their own impact on the situation and the moment you try to point something out, you are made to be a horrible person because they can only be an innocent party victim of the nastiness of the ex who always seem to hold power other everyone.

Swing I'd say that is true, but just as much as the converse is true: surely not every SM is a selfish, DSC-hating harlot?

We don't have any stats on how many posters on here fall into the categories of misunderstood exes/bitter exes/trying their best SMs/bitter SMs (though I would love some!!). I think the lesson is that we shouldn't categorise posters as any of the above as far as we can help it.

We should certainly try to avoid the classic I see time and again on here:
How long have you been with your DP?
This long
That's not enough! You were probably the dreaded OW! You're a horrible, scheming person and nothing you say will make me think otherwise! No advice for you, just judgement!

We're all just people, who try their best but will sometimes get it wrong.

Swing I'd say that is true, but just as much as the converse is true: surely not every SM is a selfish, DSC-hating harlot?
Of course not and I personally never thought it was the case at all, yet I've often been accused of being a troll here. Some people select my posts but ignore those when I am fully supportive of a SM views or decisions.

We can only go by our instincts reading posts, all of us. I understand your frustration with the automatic judgement based on how long a SM has been with her partner. Similarly, I find it quite distasteful that as soon as as a SM complains that her SD doesn't like her, it can never be because of her but only come from being brainwashed by her mother as if a kid, whatever their age, is not entitled to their own emotions and feelings and should be forced to like someone (also often referred as 'respect') when they themselves make it clear they don't like the child in their own behaviour (but that's never considered disrespect when it comes from the adult).

@paxillin

If an being an evil stepmother means...

Asking, why can't I or our relationship be the priority sometimes?

Saying, no, I didn't really know what I was getting into, I couldn't have, and admitting that yes, it's fucking hard, harder than I could have ever imagined for reasons I could never have even foreseen.

Admitting to myself and my partner that sometimes being a stepmother makes me feel overwhelmed, anxious and depressed.

Believing that if I share my life with a man I should have a damn say in schedules, finances, rules for the children, and boundaries with the Ex.

Feeling angry about said toxic Ex treating my partner like crap and angry about my partner letting her. And yeah, sometimes letting this toxicity seep into my feelings for SC.

Feeling negative emotions towards my SC when they are annoying, rude, ungrateful or otherwise unbearable and yeah, sometimes imagining how things would be different if they just didn't exist.

Not feeling maternal or unconditional love for my SCs, nor putting any pressure on myself to do so.

Believing that the 'man with kids' relationship thing works both ways and that DP should be willing to compromise and sacrifice as well – and defend and respect me and my feelings.

Then you know what.. I'M AN EVIL STEPMOTHER. Rarrgh!! Cower!!

And you know what else it makes me? A human. I'm not a saint... but I've got the damn patience of one!

To MN generally - stop judging! If you don't understand the emotions someone is expressing, don't dismiss or berate them – or assume the unwritten details based on your own projections and prejudices - just go find somewhere else to give your 'advice'.

Why would anyone come looking for advice on the parts they found easy? You know what I find easy? Making my SC happy, making them feel loved, secure, stable. Giving them a lovely home to come to during their scheduled overnights. Enriching their lives by sharing whatever I can of myself with them. Showing them a healthy, functional and loving adult relationship that they can look up to and feel the security of by treating their father with unwavering love, respect and support – even if it means teaming up against their bratty asses sometimes. Giving myself and them space if I or they need it. Not allowing the tough stuff to affect them.

The good and the bad bits aren't mutually exclusive. You can't conclude anything from the short passages people write on internet forums. Legitimate concerns and frustrations get twisted into tales of 'resentment' or 'hatred'. I've never seen anything on this step parenting board I've found disgraceful/cruel/appalling/abusive except for the comments!!!

I wouldn't judge anyone for feeling that being a SP is hard. I see my own OH struggling with it and we did everything to prepare him for it. I totally recognise that it is hard and no, you can never totally know what you are getting into.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that the SP shouldn't have to make an effort to make it work like everyone else and that's how it often comes across, as again, such threads usually end up with the typical conclusion 'my SC are disrespectful to me because they don't do all as I said, which is what is best for them, and if they don't like me, it's because of their manipulative mum. My OH is lovely, and I love him to bits, but he is full of guilt so doesn't want to rock the boat. The only way it can work is if he stands up to his ex and tells her that things are the way they are and if she doesn't like it tough, and the kids should be forced to treat me like I deserve for all the sacrifices I make with them and their dad should force them to. I on the other hand shouldn't need to change anything at all in my way of thinking or behaving because I know what's best for my OH and the SC, and it's my house so my rules'.

Whatever the situation, when there is conflict, it's usually resolved when everyone is prepared to make an effort, and my view is that it should be the person most affected who should make the first move because they have to most to gain from the conflict to be resolved and the other party should have the maturity to recognise these efforts and do the same.

Swing you've supported me before on here and I've been very grateful!

Absolutely, some posts will seem pretty unreasonable. However, for every post decrying disrespectful DSC, I see 10 with issues a poster is genuinely and reasonably struggling with, that are dismissed as the OP is deemed unworthy by virtue of being a SM, and not the good kind.

It actually reminds me of when (some) men respond to observations of sexism with 'not all men are sexist!'- that might be true, but a lot are so please just listen and believe us!

Switch - great post!
Swing - I do agree with you. I am not talking absolutes - just majorities. I just think most are well-intentioned.

Paxillin - I do agree with some of what you said in your follow-up.
What frustrates me on here sometimes is that some of the non-empathetic responses in a thread grab all of the attention and those of us that are quietly, non-dramatically, trying to provide some support get drowned out/ignored. Whereas in other areas of mumsnet there are very flippant calls to LTB, here in step-parenting, there can be a very fast jump to assuming the poster is a bad step-mother.