Do you feel like a lodger in your own home as a SM?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I just wondered how many other people felt like this? And if you do, did you manage to turn it around?

I’m on my way out of being a SM, (7 years if full time step children) and no longer have a great deal to do with my DSDs - am separating from DP. However I was talking to some very good friends recently, and they confessed that they’d stopped visiting me because they felt so uncomfortable in my home. In their words it seemed to us that you were treated like a lodger, and you and your friends/family were not welcome They said they’d felt like that quite early on and it was hard to visit in that atmosphere.

I was quite taken aback as I didn’t realise how obvious it was, and how it put people off.

I failed to turn it around. But it made me realise that there are a few red flags that you just can’t ignore as a SM. And that it’s okay to stand up for yourself and be counted. Otherwise these will break up your relationship. Red flags like:

• feeling that your opinions are worth less than others.
• feeling that the first family is dominant.
• step children who are allowed to be rude or ignore you.
• EW being intrusive, bitter.
• 50/50 arrangements.
• having step children every weekend. (I know these two are personal choices, it’s just in my experience this can also be a warning sign that the kids do not have one stable parent or place, dynamics may be troublesome, or Mum is too reliant on DP)
• DSCs allowed choice over seeing a parent when too young to make that choice
• DSCs excluding SMs, through insisting they see DPs without them always, excluding SMs from big events.
• of course... Disney Dads and entitled kids! Indulgence with money and such because of Dad guilt.

To me these are all really far too common. None of them great for successful step families to work. And they can! I read stories here of positive SMs and happy step kids.

@thegreenhen it’s so tough that many of us have had similar experiences. Sad really. Many of your I really identify with:
For years I had the constant conversations from the kids about all the things they had done as a first family. We have taken them to lots of lovely places, they have never reminisced about our good times. They are instantly forgotten. It's very hurtful.
This for example! I have a busy life, family, two of my own kids. However the effort I put in to my DSCs and the time I spent! Weekends away, trips out. I even made little photo books of our special outings. Times of worry or sickness too, I was there! Never once have one of them ever, ever mentioned or referred to any of it. It’s so weird, it was years. It’s like we are ghosts. Written out of their history. Wish I hadn’t bothered to tell the truth!

I only know that despite still separating from DP, the last two years have got easier in the sense that I just dropped everything I did for them and concentrated on my kids. However this just grew resentment from them and EW and I’ve become a scapegoat.

Hope it gets better for you, the time with you should lessen as they go to Uni? Possibly that might give some breathing space?

@twodots it’s interesting the different views of 50/50. I’m read some people saying that it works well for them, so it might be quite individual. However I’ve had such a bad experience that for me I’d never go for someone with 50/50 care or EW again. For me it’s too much of a risk that it might be:

• parents who are thinking of themselves more than the children.
• parents who have unrealistic views of the setup

(e.g, my DP just felt fantastic to have so much time with the kids. In reality he was out at work most of that time. In Mums view she was their main parent in charge with just as much involvement than before, the reality was she spent very little time with my DSCs and lost touch with major aspects of their development)

• liberal parenting, the onus on kids to guide and put limits on themselves. Making DSCs feel grown out but not having the maturity to be grown up.
• EW bitter / very dependent on DP still, so does not want to let go of frequent contact. Uses 50/50 to keep up being very close ‘coparents’ but this often spills over into intrusion and emotional dependency.
• EW not wanting to parent kids very much but wanting to keep maintenance and status of prime carer.
• kids getting lost in the gaps. I’ve so many examples!

From not doing homework for weeks as DSCs used to come to our house after school, when they were supposed to be at Mums. They told me they’d done it at their mums. Tried to raise this with DP & EW, she told me to butt out. DSC then got thrown out of a project because of this. DSC2 fainted on a few occasions, as she hadn’t eaten enough, as no one parent had an eye on what she was eating. DSC1 frequently forgot her stuff. Oldest DSC got into a serious incident with a boy as she just said she was at other parents house.

Wow - I'm astonished at the level of negativity towards 50/50 arrangements on this thread. Is this a fairly normal view for women to have when they meet a guy with that set up?

In my view, 50/50 is the best approach for kids. It maintains a strong relationship with both parents, and that is critically important to the long term wellbeing of the child. Kids with hands on, involved dads fare better on almost every measure than those with semi-detached or absent fathers. No matter how well intentioned, nobody can parent properly or maintain a close relationship seeing their kids every other weekend.

So I'm astonished (and, as an equal shared care dad, a little disappointed) that so many people seem to see it as such a negative - seemingly because it means the kids are just around too much, the mum "is too dependent" on the dad (eh? She's not depending on him. He's parenting!), or it's otherwise inconvenient for the step mum. That's kind of the deal when you get involved with a good dad!

On interfering exes, however, I'm right there with you! 😁

@slightly I’m glad that it works well in your case, and crucially is better for your kids. You sound like a hands on Dad. It certainly did not in mine! I’d say my DSCs were not parented very well, and have dysfunctional relationships with both parents as a result. Don’t get me wrong, both parents had ok intentions, but it was a disaster long term.

I would strongly contest that 50/50 is the best way to maintain strong relationships or is automatically the best for the kids. Doing what works best for the children’s development and needs is, as is being a good parent. I also think that the evidence shows that what is best for kids is low conflict, stability, good parenting. You could be the most loving Dad in the world but if your kids are getting more conflict, less stability and less parenting through your arrangement, whatever that may be, then that’s not good.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I see how you might feel this but most dms or sms who have issues with 50/50 have so as in our experience it has not been best for the kids.
I don't think anyone is saying 50/50 never works, but that a lot of the time it doesn't.
Sometimes dads aren't very hands on & sometimes mums aren't very hands on. In my case I said an absolute no to 50/50 as my exh is not very hands on & I knew his dp would end up doing most of the parenting & I was right. He sees our kids every wed & fri & every second Saturday & his dp does 90% of the cooking, cleaning, lifts, doctors trips etc. If I had agreed to 50/50 I would have been handing my kids over to their sm 50% of the time which I didn't think was fair on the kids.
If two people who have similar values, who get on well & who genuinely both parent on their time, then I'm sure 50/50 can work but in most divorces that's not the case.

Also in my case EW is very dependent on DP to the extent that it is detrimental to the kids. If they both worked part time, parented well and had no financial obligations to each other it could have been better.

As it was DP was exoected to pay her maintenance and her mortgage. She worked 10 hours a week and paid nothing to us. DP works 50 hours plus a week. So the kids were either with me as de facto parent or on their own a lot. Not great for them at all.

Precisely @Bananasinpyjamas11 - I could not have handed my kids over to their sm knowing that I could work my hours around them.
My dp is similar in that he HAS to work really long hours to fully support his kids as their dm refuses to work. He would love to see them more during the week but he's self employed and if he doesn't work the business suffers & she doesn't get her large maintenance. He points this out to her every time she tells him she's run ragged with the kids and she still refuses to work and split the financial burden 🙄.

I completely agree about your red flags; I’m lucky enough to be in a situation that works but all the step parents I know who are unhappy have some or all of those things.
I also think you need a partners family who support your role as a step parent and partner rather than prioritising the children’s Mum.
My in laws maintain a friendly relationship for the sake of DSD but I have no doubt that they’re in my corner if need be

Twodots that must be so difficult for you

Bananas I'm sorry things haven't worked for you, but having read a lot of your previous posts, I can understand your decision!

@widign thanks, it was a hard decision to make! I hardly see my DSCs now so in one much as eased however I’ve definitely become the wicked SM and resentment flies around! I’m not thick skinned enough! I hope that your situation is better, and DGCs are not knocking on your door expecting free lodgings and money!

@magda it’s such a shame some people put so much pressure on another parent, the fallout means it’s very hard for them to move on.

@user that is very interesting and true. Your DPs family can massively help. My DPs family were at a time very sympathetic to me, and helped me to feel that what I found difficult with DSCs and EW they also found hard. It was such a relief.

Bananas I don't see very much of DSD or DSGD these days, as their situation has changed. Plus, I think things have definitely changed with regard to finances, DH got wiser!

@wdigin I’m very, very pleased he wised up! At last! Hopefully it has eased stress in your marriage and helped him to treat his kids more fairly. No one should be asked to buy their love.

My dp's son (7) (we have been together 2 years and I don't feel being called "step mum" is appropriate yet) stays with my dp every other weekend. For this thread I will just say dss saving all the "my dp's son"/my dp's son's Mum" etc.

I own my own home and have my dc every other weekend. Things with their dad are what they are and we co-parent ok. My dp and his ex wife don't get on at all and she has made it difficult for my dp every step of the way. They have a court order now so he can have dss every other weekend and 5 weeks of the holidays (his ex has 8 even though my dp wanted it split 50/50.) She lives an hour and a half drive away so things like my dp picking up his ds from school is out the window. She's never acknowledged me as the girlfriend in any way which I suppose is a good thing maybe? I remember when I first met dss and he "told me" I couldn't tell him what to do. I thought maybe his mum had told him that but nothings ever been said since.

My dp is renting his place. We have talked about living together one day but I don't know if my dp has a real grasp of the realities of moving. My place is 3 bed but my dd has the larger of the kids room. My ds would happily have bunk beds and share every other weekend with dss but his room is too small for bunkbeds and my dd doesn't want to swap rooms.

I'm happy to move because I hate living in my house anyway but dp keeps talking about a 4 bed house so his ds has his own room. 3 beds are hard to come by in the area and the price for 4 beds is crazy! My argument is his ds doesn't need his own room when he's here so little and if it was affordable then a 4 bed would be great but for the extra cost in house price it's not an option.

Is it normal for a dsc to have their own room if it means buying a bigger house (which isn't affordable?)

Sorry that post makes it sound like I only have my dc every other weekend! I have them 3 days in the week and ex has them 2. It works ok for us and the kids enjoy having a relationship with both parents as ex is a hands on dad. He doesn't have a partner (he's too busy at work which was part of why we split.)

Bananas oh yes, it has made life better! I don't really know what tipped him over the edge, and I don't want to, but it must have been pretty big!

@party it must be very difficult watching your DP and EW in conflict. At least they have a court order and regular arrangement now. If I were you I’d be fine with extra bedroom for DSS as it will make him feel more at home, as long as he was able to put in extra? Do you get on with DSS generally? Is your parenting similar?

@wdigin it must have been big! Sometimes it takes something big to wake up. This happened with older DSCs, they both did something pretty big, pretty manipulative, and for a short window DP realised! But then they kind of closed in again and it’s never talked about. So no one learns!

That's a shame Bananas could have been a turning point!

@wdigin yes I thought it was a turning point and got my hopes up! It seemed to at first. And then I think it weirdly bought DP and EW closer as they both closed ranks and no one can talk about it. Buried it!

Bananas so sorry to hear you’ve reached the end of the road. I can understand it though as contemplating my options at the moment.

I accepted that my parenting style was different from my DP (he was much more permissive than me). Now though, it’s reached a point where his DCs do not respect him at all. Middle DSS was supposed to be with us for second half of school hols but he went out after a row with his DF on Friday and only popped back for long enough to put his dirty clothes in washbasket yesterday. In between there was a string of appalling texts from DSS.

I was away this weekend ( I’ve tried to give them time to themselves on a regular basis and for my own sanity). When I got back it was obvious that my presence in the home does keep things on a happier basis. This despite being completely blamed for all problems because ‘I’m a horrid vile person who should just go away and die’.

The DSCs have gone back to their DMs early and we we’re just left feeling sad. I just don’t know what we can do - no one ever talks out their issues - his DCs just don’t talk to us except in monosyllabic answers to banal questions such as ‘do you want peas?’ They refuse to come down from their rooms except for meals.

I wish I’d just kept my own home and had a bolt hole. But at 50+ I moved to a new area and agreed to take on a massive mortgage (with DP) to buy a bigger house so everyone had more space. Hindsight suggests this was foolish as I’m going to have to work full time for many more years yet. I love the house but I hate the atmosphere when his DCs are here. They are all teenagers but planning to do minimum 4 year degrees so goodness only knows how long before they can become independent adults.

I used to feel like this all the blinking time. If I remember rightly it was a big reason why I joined Mumsnet. Moving into an established home with children that are really challenging is so hard.
I like to think I did step up to the challenge and I did my best for the family. But the feelings of being a stranger in my own home especially when I paid the rent for it, never really went away.
It was even worse when we recently split up as I lost everything. Unable to rent or find alternative accommodation. I am in the process of leaving my entire life behind to go and live with my mum because I threw my lot in with the family.
Hearing all the similar thoughts and feelings helps though!

So sorry to hear that ElChan. I hope things improve for you with your new chapter.

Too often we hear only about men losing everything in a divorce but I suspect that there are a lot of SMs who lose a lot if they leave.

@machine that sounds really tough. I think living with a very permissive parent is really hard, especially if that means you have to watch on the sidelines while the step kids are horrible to you / their parents. It’s an impossible position to be in, and yours sounds like the DSS is abusive, that’s quite extreme.

@elchan I totally understand about throwing your lot in and losing it all. Financially and emotionally. I’m sorry that’s happened for you. I hope you know you are not alone.

It’s interesting too that often, as you’ve said machine, SMs can be positive, can bring a bit of outside perspective, some sanity, and some positive influence on the Dad and step kids. I know I did. I bought stability and care for their teenage years, and helped them out a lot.

I agree with that statement Bananasinpyjamas11. I agree so much about the outside perspective. I did so much for the family and I regret none of it. I know that the environment and home and the children are so much more stable and happier as a result of my effort. I know it didn't work out but I did my best.

I think some step mums don't get that recognition even if they don't leave.

As I said earlier Mumsnet makes me feel not so alone.
I did good things for those children and I take that away with me.

I hope your split with your ex DP is going ok Bananas. I completely sympathise

Thanks Elchan I’m sure you did bring a lot to their lives.

My split is very prolonged due to a big sticking point over homes however it is very amicable. In fact we are getting on great now many of the outside pressures are more distant!

I’ve also finally got a chance to step back from my role as SM and see it more clearly. for anyone going through similar. I can at last feel at home where I live and no longer the lodger. Bliss!