Do you feel like a lodger in your own home as a SM?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I just wondered how many other people felt like this? And if you do, did you manage to turn it around?

I’m on my way out of being a SM, (7 years if full time step children) and no longer have a great deal to do with my DSDs - am separating from DP. However I was talking to some very good friends recently, and they confessed that they’d stopped visiting me because they felt so uncomfortable in my home. In their words it seemed to us that you were treated like a lodger, and you and your friends/family were not welcome They said they’d felt like that quite early on and it was hard to visit in that atmosphere.

I was quite taken aback as I didn’t realise how obvious it was, and how it put people off.

I failed to turn it around. But it made me realise that there are a few red flags that you just can’t ignore as a SM. And that it’s okay to stand up for yourself and be counted. Otherwise these will break up your relationship. Red flags like:

• feeling that your opinions are worth less than others.
• feeling that the first family is dominant.
• step children who are allowed to be rude or ignore you.
• EW being intrusive, bitter.
• 50/50 arrangements.
• having step children every weekend. (I know these two are personal choices, it’s just in my experience this can also be a warning sign that the kids do not have one stable parent or place, dynamics may be troublesome, or Mum is too reliant on DP)
• DSCs allowed choice over seeing a parent when too young to make that choice
• DSCs excluding SMs, through insisting they see DPs without them always, excluding SMs from big events.
• of course... Disney Dads and entitled kids! Indulgence with money and such because of Dad guilt.

To me these are all really far too common. None of them great for successful step families to work. And they can! I read stories here of positive SMs and happy step kids.

Good post @Bananasinpyjamas11 & feeds in to the last one we both just posted on!
I honestly feel sm's/sf's are doomed unless the dm/df is a least somewhat supportive. But it seems that this is rarely the case at least when it comes to sms & dms. Men (in general) don't seem to feel the same need to control their exw's the way women want to still control their exh's.
It's absolutely exasperating.
I've been struggling with my situation now for over 2 years & while it's not awful it's not easy & I get days where I feel like dp's previous domestic situation just contaminates my life & that if my dcs. Dp really does do his best but there's constant drama with his ex which she enacts via the kids. I just don't understand why people can't get on with their lives post divorce.
It will be very interesting to hear if many have managed to turn it around.

You are so right as usual @magda the DPs are pretty key.
My DP genuinely felt torn. I think if there are too many resentments from EW or DSCs to begin with, then it takes a very strong DP to protect and nurture his relationship with his GF.

Your comment about DPs previous domestic situation just contaminates my life resonates a lot. I still feel like this now and we are separating! I can’t even break up in peace! EW has been phoning him at midnight and 6am. Just go away! Sorry to hear it’s still tough. You sound like you are really trying your best, and being very understanding. Maybe too much!

A relationship also needs some time and space to flourish and become strong too. Unfortunately step family stresses can just overwhelm and take over. My relationship never had a chance to really become strong.

DPs previous domestic situation just contaminates my life

Oh god this!!! The EW is a nightmare. Using the kids against him, sagging me and my DS off to them, it's constant worry. Are normal childlike arguments going to get worse when EW finds out and stirs the situation.

OP - your post resonates.

I’m a DSM to 2 kids (9 & 12). I don’t have children of my own so at times i’ve woundered if it’s a SC thing or just kids being kids.

I felt like a stranger at first but it has got better withbtime.

I’m fortunate my OH doesn’t tolerate rudeness or bad manners. I have noticed when i’m on my own with the oldest the manners can slip. Then there’s comments like ‘mummy and I agree it won’t last’ (when we asked the 12 year old how she was feeling about our engagement).

The EW is bitter, vitriolic and has used the children as weapons. My OH describes it as applying her ‘Guantanamo Bay Tecnique’. This ranges from how much do you earn, how many boyfriends have you had, mummy wants to know. I just tell them to tell mummy to drop her questions in an email to me.

You are right, EW’s seem to want to control more so than EH’s. Fortunately the mere mention of her name makes my OH feel sick (I could spend the afternoon telling you about some of the shit she’s pulled)!

I do think there’s a danger of kids manipulating the breakup situation - yes, every kid wants their parents to be together and if they aren’t they’ll manipulate what they can to their advantage.

Apart from agreeing with all the sentiments you have both expressed I have no advice. I have been married for twenty years with DSC in their forties and each year I think it will get better....

@northern ha ha I liked your comment about EW dropping you an email if she has questions! Humour must be a huge help. I wish I’d used it more...
e.g. used to phone our landline every weekend late to ‘remind’ DP about kid stuff. Used to drive me mad! On top of daily calls and texts. DP eventually disconnected the landline rather than tell her to stop! I should have just answered every time and told her I was now in charge of the kid list and given her my email instead.

Northern you also sound like your DP sees right through EW and is united with you. So even though she can use the children she can’t use your DP! Also good.

So...
Humour
Supportive and united DP helps!

@clay so sorry you are also bogged down with previous domestic situation

@nannow that’s so hard. To think it doesn’t really get better. Sorry that doesn’t sound great.

This is a really comforting post op. I sometimes feel like this in my home, and as the sds are getting older it feels as though it's getting worse. It's a relief when they are at their mums on weekends.

And as for ew, I will never forget the time she asked the police to come and check that her kids were asleep at our house! This was after her kids were removed from her care because of a charge of neglect and battery.
The police played along but I know that they had no concerns at all, she's just a very convincing person (ex solicitor)

Wow that’s brutal @lived the police checking up!

I tried so many small things over time like making ice creams in summer and sitting in the garden, having their friends round, planting flowers with DSCs, cooking just the way they liked, being tolerant, patient, not overbearing etc to try and foster more of a feeling of ‘our home’. Didn’t make that much difference in the end unfortunately. As they got older they got ruder with me if anything.

The only reason I don’t feel a lodger in my own home is because as the step kids come and go, my kids live here full time, I have a strong personality and MAKE it our home.

Yes due to Dh’s Disney behaviour they have been able to get away with crap like ignoring me but it’s still MY home, they are well aware of that and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

One of the things that frustrates me the most is that dp & I together are great; like really, really good.
We enjoy each other's company so much & then it's like a total crash when the kids are around. Dp is quite strict with his in many ways but like so many other nrp's he doesn't want to spend his precious time with them at loggerheads & chooses his battles. I totally get this but when the kids have spent two weeks listening to their dm moan about dp & I & my kids they just arrive up in bad form & desperate for attention. It doesn't help that they are totally mollycoddled and will do NOTHING for themselves.
Dp finds my guys hard work too at times - he's quiet & my three are beyond lively - but the difference is my three are good humored & pleasant to everyone & in fairness to my ex he never badmouths me or dp to the kids & it does make a huge difference.
@Bananasinpyjamas11 - really sorry you're not even able to separate in peace. 💐
Some of these situations are so sad as we all deserve to be happy with the person of our choosing.

Yes OP. OH and I are totally aligned. Fortunately for me my OH now realised the EW is a bully - for 2 years she dictated contact and would stop the children seeing him. He took her to court and her control is over. Yes, she bad mouths him to the kids. She won’t ‘allow’ him to attend parents evenings and she slags me off (not sure why, I wasn’t the OW, he’d been divorced many years when I met him and I am nothing but nice to the children). But you know what, I will never stoop to her level. I have no desire to meet the woman - she lacks decency or values, which are important to me.

My OH had some councilling in how to deal with her (she’s an emotional bully, regularly swears at him in front of the children. The first time I was in earshot of her she shouted ‘f@ck off you piece of shit’ to my OH when their 6 year old son was with him). My OH is very placid and educated. He is never aggressive and hardly swears (especially not in front of the children). Anyway..... as I was saying he learnt you can’t control her actions, you can only control how you feel.

I keep these words in mind. As I actually think she’s bat shit crazy - but I can’t control that!

Hey, it’s not perfect! The older DSC is the fussiest eater ever. Will only eat oven food, chips or burger. Mum asks the kids what she wants to eat (and cooks 3 meals, more fool her). The good thing has caused me lots of stress. But I just don’t pander. I cook one meal for the 3 of us and if DSD won’t even try - tough, dad can cook her something!

@around it’s true it does take being a bit bulshy, glad you were able to put your stamp on things! It’s probably contributed to the success of your relationship.

@magda that’s so true of me too. I can honestly say DP was the man most suited to me in my life, and we got on amazingly well. We boost each other. However the sheer weight of opposition and stress can crowd in on you. Takes all the joy out. It does sound that your kids give less stress overall. I know rumbuctiousness can be wearing if you are quieter. However having a toxic EW and moodiness and resentment from DSCs is much harder imho. Honestly I do hope you can navigate a way through it, but it sounds incredibly tough.

@northern wow she sounds awful. And a bully. However he can see that and you are aligned, thank goodness. And you have your head screwed on about dinners! Good to stand back!

Honestly, no iv never felt like a lodger in my own home when my SD is here but it can be also due to the fact that she wasn’t conceived from a long term relationship between my partner and her mum. It was a short lived relationship and they never lived together.

Red flags like:
feeling that your opinions are worth less than others - my partner values my opinion more then anyone’s since the beginning so that never been a problem.

feeling that the first family is dominant - there wasn’t really a first family so that has never really come into play.

step children who are allowed to be rude or ignore you - iv pretty much been around since day dot and my step daughter wouldn’t ever remember not having me in her life, my partner also wouldn’t of accepted her being rude from a young age and she’s a polite child so it’s never really been a problem

EW being intrusive, bitter - massive problem as he ended there ‘thing’ and she was bitter for a long time. He dealt with it by always sticking up for me and ignoring her shit and telling her to fuck off, it’s much better now.

50/50 arrangements - we don’t do 50/50, we are EOW arrangement

DSCs allowed choice over seeing a parent when too young to make that choice - won’t and can’t happen really as there is a court order in place as she used to stop contact a lot when she was young.

DSCs excluding SMs, through insisting they see DPs without them always, excluding SMs from big events - neither of us are invited to any big events her side! And he wouldn’t see his daughter without me always as we also have 2 kids together he needs to look after and my step daughter actually likes to see me.

Disney Dads and entitled kids! Indulgence with money and such because of Dad guilt - iv never actually asked but I’m 95% sure he doesn’t feel any guilt about leaving the mum which also equates to leaving his child, he’s maintained regular contact, pays every week and he’s also one to say you should not stay in a relationship for the kids if it’s not going to work.

Oh and when I mean telling her to fuck off and ignoring his ex, I mean all the times she would message about something that had absolutely nothing to do with his daughter.

Like the time she messaged about his favourite sandwich and she had seen it in a shop and she hadn’t seen it before - that just gets ignored.

Or when she calls him a scum bag for leaving her, 3 years after they actually ended. - that just gets a fuck off.

I’m probably one of the luckier step mums but our relationship is a lot more then what there’s was.

We have been together over 10x longer then they were, live together, mortgaged, 2 kids, our life’s are totally intertwined and so they should be after 10 years together but his ex and him never had any of that.

I could see it being a lot harder for everyone and any new women if we split up due to having kids (one has a severe disability), finances, childcare. We are essentially my partners first family.

That’s interesting @fijisky and I’m happy that you do have a good relationship with your DSD. That’s great all round. And your relationship sounds solid too. He sticks up for you, doesn’t Disney Dad, and has good boundaries with his Ex, wish I’d met someone like him!

The amount of time is probably a huge factor. I was with my Ex for years, but mostly both living separately. My DP was married for 10 years and they had 3 kids and did everything as a family. That must contribute a lot to the feeling that I was intruding on their unit. I also know EW and her bf have had several break ups. I think much of this is also the same reasons, she talks about DP a lot still.

Bananas - I am a long term poster, but mainly lurker and have long read your posts and felt they resonated a lot with my life.

I am sad you are splitting up with your partner but also a bit pleased because you are getting out of the mess he has created.

I have always really wanted to be a "family" with DP, my son and his kids and I have complained many times about feeling like a lodger in my own home. You can decorate it as much as you like, but if the people in it, treat you as an outsider or someone who isn't part of things, then you will never feel like it's your home.

In answer to your points;

• feeling that your opinions are worth less than others.

Being told that you are "making a fuss over nothing" when you try and talk about family rules or pointing out injustices in the family.

• feeling that the first family is dominant.

For years I had the constant conversations from the kids about all the things they had done as a first family. We have taken them to lots of lovely places, they have never reminisced about our good times. They are instantly forgotten. It's very hurtful.

• step children who are allowed to be rude or ignore you.

My eldest DSD would walk into my home and ignore me and walk straight to the fridge. I tried to talk to my DP about it and was told I was "making a fuss over nothing". They would insist on sitting with us all evening but wouldn't make or be involved in any of our conversations. It was like they didn't want us to have any privacy but didn't want to be with us either. DP refused to do anything about it and we went a long time without ever really having alone time. I came very close to leaving over that.

• EW being intrusive, bitter.

EX wife has very little to do with her children and yet I am still doing all the donkey work for them along with DP. She has never worked and has tried to dictate all sorts of things. DP ended up in court, which despite not being supported in my wishes, I supported him with.

• 50/50 arrangements.

We have all sorts of arrangements over the years including one full time and losing contact with one at the same time. All contact was scheduled to please Ex wife or DP despite me and my DS having the consequences of their actions as much as them.

• having step children every weekend.

I agree - if a parent doesn't ever want the quality time with the children, something is wrong.

• DSCs allowed choice over seeing a parent when too young to make that choice

This was the one thing that DP was supportive of and insisted that DSD see her Mum albeit not for the length of time that was agreed. He only did this though because he wanted a bargaining chip so he could see the child that went no contact.

• DSCs excluding SMs, through insisting they see DPs without them always, excluding SMs from big events.

Not so much me, but my son. DSD1 wedding last year was paid for by us (with 6 weeks notice!) and yet she didn't include my son in the wedding party until the last moment, by which time the upset had already been caused.

• of course... Disney Dads and entitled kids! Indulgence with money and such because of Dad guilt.

Cars, weddings, 5k school holidays, guarantor for a 19 year old that wanted to live with boyfriend rather than wait. Often DP wasn't even "asked" just "told".

Kids are all much older and when they are at uni (which actually is only about 5 months per year!) things are a lot easier but deep down I know I should leave. We are on a completely different page with regards to parenting. He says a lot of things about manners, respect, chores, encouraging work, discipline to other people but doesn't actually expect one iota from his kids whilst simultaneously trying to tell me how my own son is lacking in all of the above.

They would insist on sitting with us all evening but wouldn't make or be involved in any of our conversations. It was like they didn't want us to have any privacy but didn't want to be with us either
This! @thegreenhen this is precisely what my dps kids do & I find it hugely energy draining. When they leave on a Sunday I feel like I've run a marathon even though we've done nothing.
I'm so sorry for your situation & for your ds.
I told my dp (also my fiancé) last night that when we get married I want us to retain our separate homes (he lives with me but has retained his home in the town where his kids live) so we can both have time & space with our kids on the weekends we have them (they're all teens).
I just cannot deal with the impact his kids & exw have on my home. He agrees with me but just will not risk upsetting the kids by addressing their dms behaviour which then directly impacts on their behaviour.
Like you I really wanted our blended family to work as best it could but I have finally just given up & realise that while the first family insists on trying to assert it's position as No.1 & is furthermore allowed to do so, the second or blended family will always be second best.
It's both frustrating and sad.
In living apart eow I hope dp & I can protect 'us' from the toxicity of his previous domestic situation.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 genuine question....why do you think 50/50 arrangements are a red flag? We are on that and it causes no end of additional problems

@Magda72 I think you're wise to retain separate homes if your fiancé is inflexible about compromise.

I'm sure I was told on here to "try harder" with his kids or be more engaging and then they'd want to be involved.

Honestly, they just didn't want to know. A combination of being grumpy, moody teens added in with feelings of guilt towards Mum and divided loyalties meant they were never going to settle and be happy, no matter what we did.

@TwoDots

My two penneth worth. I think when kids are 50/50, they don't have the same sense of stability.

I think it can work but only if it's set up between parents with similar values and ego can work together.

Often I've seen it's set up because one parent doesn't want the responsibility but still wants to keep the financial rewards (for child maintenance, one parent is still nominated as parent with care).

I think 50/50 can work but only if it's set up for the right reasons, not because one parent just wants some time off.

@TwoDots
I think 50/50 makes it harder when you already have problems because they are with you a long time.
If it's only eow then your brain can adjust to them being guests in your house and pass over some problems knowing that they won't be there for long.
With 50/50 it's natural to want to fix the problems as they are happening all the time. But if your partner doesn't see the problems then you are reminded of your place run the house regularly.

I struggle with having 2 routines every week. So does my DS. I can't imagine what it's like for DSD. I'm not a fan of 50/50 for kids. Kids need a stable base, not coming and going from 2 homes. That's just my opinion though

As a family we get used to her being here, we have a routine for half the week, then bam, she's gone, the 3 of us then settle down, and at the end of the week I almost feel anxiety at the craziness starting again. It's not DSD fault. My DS gets very excited that she's coming and he becomes hyper and hard to handle. It's like an emotional rollercoaster for us all

I must add that DP and the ex do not get on well now. There isn't that mutual respect to make an arrangement like this work. So every pick up/drop off my DP gets anxious, which makes me anxious. This is week in, week out. I feel mentally drained from it all