Should I be honest with DH?

[Nannow56]

I have been married for 20 years, 2DC with DH and two DSC, both in their 40s. One SDC and I pretty much loathe each other. Can’t go into too much detail as outing but DH and I are responsible for this SDC’s family through employment in our business. SDC would be totally unable to replicate salary/hours elsewhere. There is a back story of long held personal animosity as well (on both sides tbf).

The situation between SDC and me has deteriorated badly over the last eighteen months due to SDC’s behaviour at work. It’s got to the stage where I struggle to be civil and the work burden falls on me. DH knows how bad it is but justifies it that without our support the family would struggle and he feels responsible.

I’ve got to the stage now where I want absolutely nothing to do with SDC outside of work. I work full time during the week and one day at the weekend is spent with an elderly relative so I feel I only have one day off and I really don’t want to spend it with this SDC and his family (who are quite spectacularly badly behaved).

Since Christmas I’ve managed to avoid their visits but DH wants us to go to meet them tomorrow and if I simply say no it will cause a massive row between us. I have suggested in the past that he goes to see them by himself but he thinks it ‘looks obvious’.

I’m pretty sure DH isn’t aware of the depth of my feelings so should I just tell him? I feel it would cause huge problems between us (most of our disagreements are because of SDC and I no longer bother telling DH about the daily issues at work as that causes a row).

DH and I get on really well otherwise and I have a great relationship with other SDC, happily do a 400 mike round trip in a day to see them, love going on holiday with them).

I just don’t know what to do.

I would be honest with your DH as to how you are feeling. It sounds like this situation can’t go on.

You employ the DSD’s child (who you don’t get on with), her behaviour is poor and her work is falling to you. Why is she so entitled. Business is business- you wouldn’t stand this from another employee. You need to take some action.

With regards to meeting her on your free time. I would do no until the atmosphere between you is resolved - this will only geT worse. Can the 3 of you sit down and discuss how you are all feeling? It sounds like it’s been festering for a while and needs to be addressed.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to go on his own. These are adult children you are talking about and not recently adult either but nearly middle aged! You certainly do not need to associate with them if there is mutual dislike. Its not like you are trying to prevent his relationship with them. I would just tell him firmly that you do not want any relationship with this person and that is that. I actually do not think that is unfair at all. And what does it matter if it is obvious if the dislike is from both sides? m sure they wouldnt be thrilled to have you there any more than you would be thrilled to be there so why on earth is your husband making everyone pretend?

Thank you NorthernSpirit.

No, we wouldn’t accept it from another employee but DH won’t entertain any discussions on on the subject. In fact times are a bit tough and he still refuses to discuss it.

The sitting down and discussing things should probably have happened about eighteen years ago. I think the time has passed. DH feels caught between the two of us plus this SDC has always been treated as the special one.

DH is a bit of a Disney dad and he’s basically all the SDC have got which makes him ‘worse’ iyswim.

Your points are totally valid and logical but I feel the solution is out of my hands.

I just reread what I’ve written above and realised how pathetic and whinging I sound but I can’t see an end to it. I would stress that apart from this issue DH and I have a great relationship - we just avoid talking about the SDC!

I wish I knew Wind!

Although I don’t think he realises how bad it’s got for me and I don’t tell him because I know the problems it would cause between us.

He’s actually pretty rubbish about doing anything by himself and normally we’re together all the time (we’re a bit sad like that).

I’m absolutely confident that SDC would prefer it if I didn’t go but would never admit it to their dad. To be fair to DH, when we first got together neither of the SDC were happy (completely hostile in fact) but we worked through it. It’s the last year or so that it’s got almost unbearable.

Not pathetic and winging at all. Sometimes these situations are so much more difficult with family.

If it’s past talking I would tell your OH how you are feeling and then disengage. I’m not sure you can solve this it’s been going on so long. Remember you can control how you feel but you can’t control other people’s actions.

Thanks again NorthernSpirit.

I wish I could control my feelings on this better. I give it way more head space than I should for something I essentially can’t do anything about.

I suggest you come up with a damn good reason to not visit this time, and next time...and the time after, it will then have become the norm!
You have to put up with them in the work situation, but your free free time is your own. So, unless you can think of a way to get over/around this animosity, just slowly but surely, back out of their lives!

Thank you Wdigin. I thought I had laid the groundwork by going out the last few times they visited but apparently not. I told DH I didn’t want to go today, cue huge row and then SDC cancelled anyway. So today ruined for nowt.

Oh, how bloody frustrating! Well, if it causes rows when you say you don't want to go, tell him you've made other plans, and you're not prepared to change them....then take yourself off shopping for the day!

Yes you should come up with a good reason not to visit

The difficulty is that now DC are older and doing their own thing we’ve fallen into a routine where our ‘day off’ is usually spent going out together so when SDC phones the night before to suggest a visit or trip I’m struggling to come up with a plausible excuse.

I know it sounds as if for every solution I have a problem but we’re generally together most of the time (and happy to be so). This is the only bone of contention between us.