New baby due very soon!

[stepmum100]

I feel like world's worst step mum. The last few months my step daughter has been so challenging with her behaviour (she's 10). We knew that when we were trying for a baby she would find it hard to accept because she's always had me and her dad to herself and she finds it hard to spend time as a three. She prefers me to herself. Anyway IV snapped at her for her recent behaviour but tonight she flipped out that her dad sat next to me and she was always left out (which is absolutely not true, we have been together over 7 years and we have never made a deal about kissing or hand holding in front of her, she's always come first). Shes cried for an hour saying that I'll love my baby more than her and she's left out of our family which breaks my heart. Tonight I stayed calm because clearly there's a big issue and I don't know how to reasure her. IV included her in everything , IV got her a big sister bag for when he's born with some little gifts, my family have been brilliant in making sure she knows she's loved and special. Shes breaking my heart, IV wanted a baby for so long but not because she's not mine because I want to extend our family. Has anyone got any tips on what else I can do to stop her thinking she will be second best? I never want to loose our bond and I am terrified that I actually may feel different about my own baby no matter how much I tell her I won't !

Does she live with you full time? See her mum?

I don't think this is a step child issue as an only child suddenly getting a sibling issue. My oldest was 7 when I had DD2 and even though she was excited about the baby coming, she certainly regressed in her behaviour for a while and acted quite babyish for a few months.

I got her a 'big sister bear from her new sister and she also gave DD2 her first bath/hair wash in hospital with the help of the nurse. Other than that I didn't do anything exceptionally special, I just reassured her that she was still my number one girl and still my baby (and always would be although she laughs when I call her my baby girl now she's nearly 20!).

I think you just keep emphasising the whole 'family' thing and that just because a new baby is coming doesn't mean you don't love her. You just grow more love to share out between them both. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't love the baby as much as I loved my first born but I did and I love them equally.

I'm sure you'll get suggestions about girls days, pamper days, buying new bedding/redecorating her room, letting her choose the baby's name etc but I honestly think that just keeping things the same as much as possible is the best way of dealing with it. I made sure my DD still did all her activities and clubs, still had friends over for tea and we still had days out. I just had baby tag along too.

She does see her mum regularly however between 3&6 contact was sporadic and there have been issues, she's a really good mum now and my step daughter is lucky to have two families who love her but I do understand that I'm her little bit of security and she always makes me promise I'll never leave her 😣. Thankyou for your advise, I'll take it all on board. Just breaks my heart that shes feeling like this and it seems everything I say isn't enough to make her feel secure.

I think until the baby comes she will feel this way as she’s so unsure of what will happen.
Hopefully if you’re really aware when the baby comes of involving her, making her feel special as a big sister and making time for the two of you she will see the baby as an extra person to love rather than competition.
I’d be interested what other step parents would say but if I’m really honest since having my own DD I’ve found that, while I still love my DSD just as much, I do feel differently about my DD. The love for my DD is grown from carrying her, doing everything for her since birth and is so instinctual ad biological. However my DSD doesn’t live with us full time and has a great Mum so that’s never a role I’ve been in and may make it different.

Also I’d agree with Pp that you don’t necessarily need to do anything the two of you that you weren’t doing before but think about the little things you do with her so if you always all sit and have dinner together then make sure you do that with baby

I agree it’s more of a lone sibling to 2 sibling thing rather then a step child thing.

She’s had you all to herself and now it’s going to change.
I would maybe just try and keep it light every time she mentions it? So when she mentions your love the baby more maybe say something like ‘oh don’t be silly, that will never happen, il love you both the same’ really light and breezy and then finish off with ‘why don’t we watch tv/read book/draw picture/get changed’ etc and change the subject.

Op - you do need to prepare though that you will more then likely feel differently about your own baby, the love is completely different for your own child compared to a step child. I am a step mum and I have 2 kids of my own.

It's probably the hormones kicking in. Just continue to do as you are. You sound like a lovely SM. Don't ever feel guilty, there's no reasons to be. Try to continue to have one to one with her when you can and listen to her. That's probably all she needs. It will be fine.