Can op not just have him?

[char187]

Easter next week, dhs ex has asked if he can have dss for any of it which of course is absolutely fine. We usually have him half of the week in holidays.

Dh is waiting on wether he is working or not so he said of course he can come and stay with us but hes just waiting on the days he is working. He should know by the end of the day. He was going to contact her regarding when dss could come, he was just waiting to find out his hours which he will do today.

Ex replied with 'well can op not just have him?' With a stroppy attitude in her voice. I heard it through the phone call.

Now let me just say, I have dss all the time. He's coming Friday and I've got him over night on my own as dh is out for the evening on a works day/night away. I don't mind at all. We don't have much of a social life.

We have dss every weekend and as sometimes dh works (only half a day on a Saturday if he does) I look after dss and take him places along with my own dc. I really don't mind doing it, it's not an issue.

I just don't appreciate the 'can't op just have him?' From the ex. Would this bug anyone else or is it just me? She knows I will have him, it's fine. But I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken advantage of through her.

After the phone call I said to dh, of course I will have him if he has to work. We have things planned with dcs next week and he will have a lovely time with us. But I just don't like her attitude towards me. I can't explain what I mean but does anyone get me?

It's happening more often at the moment. Last week dss came for tea and she was dropping him off with us. I said to dh I will be in just after 5 as I need to pick dd up from dancing at 4.45. Dh doesn't finish work until 5.30, home for 6. He told her anytime after 5 is fine to drop dss off. Her reply was ' I need him dropped off for 5, can she not pick dd up slightly early?' This is not a usual night dss comes to us, it was only decided that morning he was coming for tea.

She was expecting me to have dss all day tomorrow as well and it's the first time ive ever said no. She rang dh last week and said 'I know you are out for the day so shall I just drop dss with op at 10am seen as it's good Friday?' My dcs are with their dad and I've decided to go out for the day with my mum and sister. I'll be home for 5 and she can drop him after which is the usual routine on a Friday. It would be different if dh was at home. Dss would definitely be here but this works do has been planned for months. I know that's frustrated her.

Her attitude towards me is really starting to piss me off. I know I am his step mother but she could just treat me with a little more respect? Or am I over reacting? I've tried to turn it around and imagine my dcs with a step mother but that's very hard for me as dcs dad isn't really interested in dcs so all I can think of is how lucky dss is to have a dad that does everything he can to see him and actually wants to be in his life. My dcs don't really have that.

Also, I don't want to make out that dh never has dss. He does, it's just his work hours mean that he's not often home when dss is dropped off. He's home within an hour. Dh then drops him back off with his mum on a Sunday evening.

I don't know if I'm being petty here or if I need to start watching my back. I feel like she is going to start walking all over me.

@Weezol good question. She had a night off last week which is when she asked if he could come for tea.

I haven't come on here to slag her off but if someone asked me what I thought of her as a parent, I would have many good things to say.

However I just wanted to know if what I'm feeling is unreasonable or not and by judging by most, it's not.

You are clearly an involved stepmum and perfectly entitled to say no even if you had no plans but I don't see why she's unreasonable to ask since you regularly have him iyswim?
If she asks too often, it's up to the parents to use paid childcare and for your h to say no. It is both of them taking advantage and not just the ex.

She doesn't ask too often - you are missing the point there. I don't mind at all, if you read the below post, we are having him for 3 solid weeks in the summer and tbh we are sooo looking forward to it. We have lots of things planned.

It's just her attitude towards me having him that is frustrating. Not the amount of time we have him. She just automatically thinks 'oh op can have him' when she knows dh can't. And even with that, she isn't nice with it. There's no 'oh would you mind if I dropped ds off earlier?' Or 'please could you have him a few hours earlier?' That would be fine and I'd appreciate being asked. It's the way she speaks. 'Op can just have him'. 'I'll drop him off with op at 10'. Without even asking I'm I'm free or not. When she knows dh isn't. That's the best way I can explain it.

it would (and does) wind me up. When I was on maternity leave ex cancelled all her childcare because makingdinner can have him for free. Reader, I did not.

I would be telling DH that you're not having him on your own unless you actually offer, because you want to spend time with him, not because you've been asked because everyone else is too busy!

Expecting you to look after him during the times he is supposed to be with her: totally unacceptable. To expect it when he is under the care of your OH: not unreasonable.

The issue seems to be the lack of clarity over contact. Why did the conversation over who he will be with only come about today?

I found it hugely frustrating to arrange contact around my now ex's unknown working patterns.
It was one of the things we put in place in our Child Arrangement Order.

I can imagine how frustrating it is for you as a step-mum so I'd be pushing for more defined contact, which obv needs to be between your DH and his ex. It may restrict flexibility but at least you'll all know where you are, including DSS who may be picking up on some tension.

@swingofthings it's not today, it's been building up for a while I suppose. She mentioned a phone call last night that she was expecting me to have him all day tomorrow (which I knew she would) and it just frustrated me. Like I said, dh has a work thing that's been booked fork that and she knew he would be unavailable Friday but he was fine to come Friday night as he always does. I was just expected to have him in the day time aswell seen as it's good Friday.

She did ask and for the first time i said no, I couldn't look after him.

*for ages, not fork

Well the why she "asks" is off. Hopefully once you've said no a free times the penny will drop that if she wants a favour then she should be asking appropriately!

The sad thing is, we had him all Christmas and new year which was lovely for us. But she asked if we could have him over the holidays which we obviously jumped at the chance too but couldn't help but wonder why she didn't want time with him. Dh dropped him off at 7pm Christmas Eve and he was back with us Christmas Day at 10.30am right through to the day after New Year's Day. I don't really understand what it is tbh.

So really, she's acting like the non-resident parent but still getting maintenance? It sounds like it would be better all round if he lived with you and she had eow if eow ever fitted in with her social life and three week holidays plans obvs.

@Weezol I'm with you on that tbh!

You need clear arrangements to cover the holidays as clearly a flexible approach is not working. Unless the agreement is for the boy to be with his mum for all the holidays thrn having him is not helping her however it makes no sense to discuss contact a day before the holidays.

We are talking about the end of next week as far as him coming for the holidays. Not tomorrow.

As for tomorrow goes, we were told she was expecting me to have dss all day tomorrow on Tuesday I think it was. I said nope, already got plans.

Technically I could have dss all next week regardless of if dh is working or not.

Dh is realising that I'm being used which is why he has said 'I'll let you know which days I'm off'. This has also prompted the response of 'can't op just have him' by her.

Agree that holidays do need to be discussed more before hand. We won't be dealing with this again until Christmas time however nothing will change with dh and work. He will know roughly just before Christmas which days he can have off and which days he needs to go in. He will also be on call for most of the time he's not in work. That's just the way it works with us.

I'm happy to arrange to have dss whenever in these holidays. I just would like to be asked instead of it being expected.

However the main issue here is dss which I'm well aware of so as long as he still gets as much time with dh as possible, that's all that matters.

Thanks for all opinions.

All your posts have confirmed that it’s lazy parenting on Mums part, pushing for what is really 50/50 care and squeezing the kids into every day that DH is not working. Really terrible arrangement in my experience. I know you are defending it however the kids need to feel that they can relax at their main residence and have a Mum who isn’t sending them out the door every moment she can squeeze out of DH. You are either the resident parent or you aren’t.

And it is guilty parenting on your DHs part, he really sees the children a lot for the provider, I’d just put my foot down about holidays and only have the kids for the long weekends and holidays that you both know in advance.

I’d also say that the main issue for DSS is to be parented well by both parents. That is a good balance in his main interests. Not having ‘as much time as possible with Dad’. Equating to SM if need be.

Sometimes to be a good Dad the best thing you can do is also foster a good mother / son relationship too. Having this last minute push is not good for DSS, he will have his mums fustration and pushing him to Dads and that doesn’t feel good when young.

Your DH just needs to say No and fix a few days in advance that he can know about early enough.

Genuine question, and I am not remotely suggesting you do this ever, char but you think she would notice/care if you didn't return him as long as she kept getting the money?

I'm just feeling really sad for him, his mother seems to either be a Disney parent or to find him inconvenient and kids pick up on this from a young age.

@weezol it’s also what the child is learning from a young age. My DSD was sent / left here and it became her main residence. However DP worked long hours, like OP, partly to keep paying EW maintenance.

So DSD was caught in the gap of care her mother basically shoved her into. It made DSD quite resentful of me, her SM (and main parent by default) and very loyal to her Mum, the opposite to what you would expect.

However I can see that the abandonment by her Mum made her copy her mothers behaviour. Her parents both acted as if the arrangement was fine, as DP like OPs DP, wanted her there as much as possible. So DSD, now an adult, is very immature through lack of parenting, hardly works, depends solely on others, but makes decisions to exclude people quite often, like her mother.

So OP, just be careful what your DS is learning in all this!

Dh is realising that I'm being used which is why he has said 'I'll let you know which days I'm off'
Why did he say this though? He should have said 'sorry but it's not a day of contact and I I think we have plans. If we don't and we can have him, I'll let you know but don't expect it'.

i feel you. husband's ex was the same.. its gotten worst since dsd moved in here. I was a babysitting service, now I'm a taxi service, dr,nurse, support worker. and mediator between her and husband.
no thanks, no money. lots of issues but I'm not going into that.

Love my dsd to bits she is very much part of our family, and i would do anything for her on equal parts to my own. but sometimes its a bit to much.

I think you need to stop with the last minute changes. we were open and quite forgiving to begin with but it started to take the piss.

When does she see her Ds assuming he is school age , she works all evenings and then you have him every weekend ?

Who has him when she is working?

Just to add yes she can ask not assume you will be available.

I don’t think it’s reasonable that your DP thinks that because his work is unpredictable he should be able to wait to the last minute to arrange his contact days. It’s unfair to his ex, regardless of her other behaviour.
He should fix his contact days and have childcare arrangements if needed (even if that’s you, but it doesn’t have to be) The uncertainty is unfair to both his child and the mother.
Your original gripe though is very valid! The mother is treating you like her personal unpaid childcare arrangement! But it is hard to come down on her for expecting flexibility as your partner expects it of her. If your partner was clearer in his contact responsibilities he might have more leverage to manage this better.
Is your partner keeping a diary of all this? It might be useful if he decides to ask the courts to rebalance the residency.

I don’t think it’s reasonable that your DP thinks that because his work is unpredictable he should be able to wait to the last minute to arrange his contact days. It’s unfair to his ex, regardless of her other behaviour.
He should fix his contact days and have childcare arrangements if needed

I agree with this, I wouldn’t accept an arrangement like that and something would need to be set in stone. Holidays need to be arranged further in advance

But I can see where you are coming from and I wouldn’t be available all the time just because she wants to drop him off earlier.

Well on one hand its nice to see that a Mum is happy for the step parent to care for the child instead of insisting it's just Dad alone.

OTOH when she's expecting you to drop everything last minute - yes - she's taking the piss.

My ex dp ew used to say things like this. Can't Elchan sort it out. Can't you get Elchan to pick me up so I can come to meetings for dss etc etc.

I do sympathise OP. Stand your ground before you're taken for a mug! Or at the very least allow some days where you put your needs first and allow your DH to resolve child care arrangements with his ex.