Can't relate to 7yr old step child need guidance

[user1469485133]

Hello there,
Ive been with my partner for 3 years and we live together with her 7yr old daughter. We are both women. I'll call her daughter 'H'. So H lives with her father half of the week and with us the other half. They have a good relationship and this set up appears to work well for H. She is the only child and my partner is a fantastic mother. I have no children and find it really hard living with a 7yr old. I have a 7yr old niece who I see regularly who I really adore. I feel so guilty that I have lesser feelings towards H. I protect her and look after her, but my feelings for her are nowhere near the feelings i have for my niece. I think some of this is because my partner and I have different ideas when it comes to boundaries and I find H really rude most of the time. I know its so easy for me to say this, I'm not a parent but I can tell how difficult it is to 'parent' a child. My partner is amazing, she is an amazing person and incredible parent. We DO however disagree on some of the ideas surrounding boundaries and when its OK to say 'no' to a child. I know that my family feel the same as me - as they've commented on H's behaviour and her tone of voice. I also know that my partner and I have been raised very differently. We don't argue about this but we do seem to have lengthy discussions on whats OK and what's not OK. For example, H used to kick, scratch and hit other children and adults. Particularly her Mum (my partner). I didn't feel that it was emphasised to her, how awful this is. I was horrified at her behaviour!! I felt out of control of the situation, even though I said several times that I felt it could not go on like this. Thankfully she has not done this for about a year and a half now. However, she is incredibly demanding and her tone of voice is that of a cynical adult! Without saying too much about her father, its basically his voice and tone and expressions coming out of her mouth. My partner is very positive, upbeat and kind. Her daughter is not like this. I find that incredibly hard and as a result, I feel like I disengage from H most of the time. And thats not how I want it to be. I just feel like I don't want to be around her. I feel like my views on her behaviour go unheard and it's just not how I was brought up. I really don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm in a ditch. My partner does listen and is fairly pro active, but i think because we feel differently, it's her child and she obviously adores her and doesn;t want to hear negative things being said about her child, that although we talk A LOT about it, it still goes on. What's prompted me to write this, is 3 years of awful behaviour. It IS getting better, but I cringed a lot of times at how H speaks and how rude her tone is - in front of friends and family. I hope this thread isn't too long and I apologise if it is - I just don't know how to put all of this in words. I'm aware that H's parents have split up when she was 3 and this would have been a tumultuous time, although it was quite civil. My parents split when I was 8 and it wasn't pleasant. So I do understand this. H is like a saint at School, she is one of the favourites, and as far as I can tell she does not talk to her Dad like this. So why here? I feel out of my depth. Please, any suggestions and help would be so appreciated. Thank you

I also know that my partner and I have been raised very differently You've summed it up perfectly here. Indeed, you've been raised differently and somehow both managed to be well-adjusted lovable adults.

It is must be highly frustrating to live with a child whose personality is at odd with yours and brought up by their parents differently to how you raise (or think you would) raise your children but it doesn't mean that the other way is wrong (which seems to be a common theme here).

As much as you can't impose that your partner changes her parenting style, she can't expect you to love her daughter in the same way you would maybe love her if she was raised differently. It is also important that she takes on how some of her behaviour might impact on you. This part then becomes about compromising.

Thank you so much swingofthings, your reply makes sense to me. You are right, it doesn't mean the other way of raising a child is 'wrong'. I need to really look at this, because often i DO find myself thinking that how she is parented is 'wrong' - and that is not a good way of looking at it. Different - I think that is the key.
My partner DOES want me to love her child (like any parent would want someone else to see them like they do) and I've explained that i cant 'just' love a child that I don't feel close to. I tried to explain that I care about her and I would always protect her and her needs, but I can't just suddenly love her. If Im honest, (and God, I've not said this to my partner) a lot of the time I don't actually like her :( Sounds so awful saying that and so awful seeing myself type that.
Thank you for your reply.

Hi @user1469485133 - I don't think you sound awful at all. You're just being honest.
I'm in a similar situation. I have 3 kids of my own, I've a great relationship with them, I get on well with their friends & I get on really well with all my nieces & nephews.
Dp has 3 & despite all my best efforts I just cannot warm to them. Like you they are just parented in a totally different way to my kids & my nieces & nephews. Also my kids have gravitated towards friends with similar personalities, interests etc. which probably explains why I get on with their friends.
This situation causes me much distress & as the adult I beat myself up dreadfully about it but I have to admit that for the first time in my life I've come across kids that I can't warm to & it's awful that they happen to be my dps kids.
My situation isn't helped at all by dps ex badmouthing me & my kids to their kids. Tbh I'm getting counseling in the hope that I'll find a way to work through this.
💐

Hi Magda, thanks so much for your support. I'm really sorry that you feel similar to me, but at the same time I'm thankful to hear someone else feeling it - it makes me feel a bit more normal. I've only ever said to my Mum that I just feel like I don't warm to H..and my Mum has said that neither does she.
I think that the way you are raised must have a large part in being able to relate. Like you said, you also feel warm towards your children friends - because they choose to spend time with people who are similar to them, and thus probably similar to you. H has some friends, but not many and she never asks to see anyone - she has no interest in other people. She has a few best friends that she sees occasionally, but if I'm honest here too, I don't warm to them either.

I can understand how the situation must care you distress, I feel that too. My situation is easier than you as there really is no one else in the equation. Is the counselling helping? I've thought about this approach. Do you go on your own?

I went to joint counselling with my DH because I was struggling being a step parent to his 4 DCs. We went along both thinking we'd be discussing strategies to help me cope - turned out most of the session was directed at DH! Basically he needed to put in stronger boundaries with both his ex and his DC, ex is less "friendly" now that DH now longer asks how high when she says jump, however his relationship with his DCs is much improved. I also found it much easier to warm to the DC once they acquired some basic manners - they used to drop rubbish such as apple cores straight onto the carpet, never got their own drinks or breakfast cereal etc despite being well able to (youngest DC was 10yo), slammed doors so hard the door frames started coming away. Making changes was tough at first but they are lovely young people now!

Hope you can work things out.

Hi @user1469485133 - yes I'm going by myself but dp is aware that he should probably do some counseling himself in order to help him deal with the emotional fallout from his divorce.
I took on the counseling for myself as I needed get a framework on my feelings. It's been great in that I no longer feel that I'm being unreasonable in feeling the way I feel & at the moment I'm working on what I feel I can tolerate in the situation & also what I can't.
I think most of us see our kids as extensions of ourselves and so perceived rejection of them really hurts. The counselor is very good at giving me language to explain to dp that my not warming to his kids is no reflection of my feelings for him nor is it any criticism of him.
To clarify I haven't in any way rejected his kids, I make huge efforts with them but I can't make myself feel something I don't.
Dp's youngest is 12 & I'd love to think that over time we will develop a bond but I think that moment has passed with the older 2 (15 & 18) who are polite but nothing more.

I’m not a step parent but have friends and family who are & who have similar problems/ issues with step children. For what it’s worth, it sounds like your SD can behave well, in that she does at school & possibly at her DFs. So she is aware of what good behaviour is, which is a huge plus. Perhaps she is acting rude at her DMs because it’s the only place she can let out her feelings & not worry about the consequences, because she feels secure there. She is still only 7, very young & it must be difficult for her to have 2 homes and swap from 1 to the other so much. I have a friend who has real problems connecting to her SD, I think it’s quite common, so don’t feel unusual in this.

Some parent will acknowledge that they are not bringing up their kids the way they should but struggle to do so because they lack the right skills. In this instance, joint counselling can indeed be very beneficial.

This is different though to having different views on upbringing where the parent is happy with the way they are raising their kids and don't think there is a need to change.

Don't feel bad for not liking her daughter. To be honest, even parents at times don't like their kids much! I did find it hard to like DD when she went through her girlie stage only interested in her appearance!

Loving a step-child, if ever, usually comes with time and you might not even realise it when it does happen.

My DSD was 7 when I met DH and I felt exactly the same as you. I just didn't warm to her and struggled to like her because she had no discipline at all and as a result had no respect for anyone. We nearly split up over her as her awful behaviour was affecting my own children and her poor brother was totally in her shadow.

Now she's 13 and I think the absolute world of her BUT this is only because we have spent years giving her boundaries, setting rules, and disciplining her together. I think the difference between our situation and yours was that my DH was totally on board with wanting things to change but didn't know how so we worked it out together and got the ex wife on side and between all four parents and step parents we managed to turn things around and now she is a joy. She's kind, sweet and funny and a pleasure to have around.
Basically what I am saying is that unless your partner is willing to see your point of view and try to change things then you may have to walk away or find a way of dealing with this girl, because she will be around for the next 10+ years and believe me it will destroy your relationship if you can't be united on this.
Good luck..

I completely agree with the posters who have differentiated between a parent who can see they have made a few mistakes and is open to trying a new approach, and a parent who is happy with their own parenting approach and doesn't really feel any need to change (except to please their new partner). It sounds like your partner is more in the latter category, is that right? If so, you need to tread very carefully as your partner is likely to start feeling hurt and defensive if she feels that you are continually criticising her daughter and her parenting skills.

If I were you, I would stop worrying about whether or not you like / love H and fretting about her behaviour, and step away a little. Leave the parenting firmly up to your partner, be kind and welcoming to H but not over involved. After all, she already has two involved parents, so your role is less important than if she had an absent parent.

Thanks everyone for replying to my post.
I'm taking in everyone's responses and finding a way of dealing with this.

Generally I don't 'parent' H, unless its for her own safety or the safety of others. I leave it up to my partner (which in turn makes me feel guilty, like Im not involving myself deliberately). However, my partner is fine with this. Like the above person said, she has 2 diligent parents already. My partner is very open to my emotions and does try to change things when we talk about things. Something happened yesterday and already my partner is trying to find ways to make the situation better. I think this is pretty amazing. I am very lucky in this way although I still find it so stressful and perhaps it's that I need to find a way dealing with MY feelings and not inflicting them on my partner. I don't want to push her away and make her feel like she's some sort of inadequate parent, because she absolutely is not.

Thanks all