Bf yelled at my 3 year old

[upsetmummyof3]

Posting on step parents as not sure where else to post. Bf of nearly a year doesn't live with us but is here 2 full weekends a month and quite a few mid week visits too. My lb is just 3 and doesn't see his dad so is always here when my bf is. Bf has two kids who are 6 and 8. My older kids are 9 and 11 and usually not here when my bf is. The other night my lb was just finishing his dinner and one of my "best" dishes was on the table as I hadn't put it away yet. Lb decided randomly to launch it across the room. It didn't go anywhere near anyone as he threw it in the other direction. He's going through a throwing phase 😩 I was clearing up across the room and my bf yelled "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!!" at my lb. I was really shocked as I wouldn't have yelled like that and am trying hard to explain to lb why certain behaviours aren't ok whilst firmly telling him no. Bf immediately apologised but it's left me feeling uneasy. The dish wasn't broken so quickly put away. It was just the three of us about. He shouted at him again one day whilst I was upstairs as he'd turned an empty wine bottle upside down so a drop or two fell on the sofa. No big deal in my world but all I heard was "I told you no!!!" like he's done something really wrong. Quite OTT in my book and I've told him before that it's my job to discipline my kids. I don't discipline his in his home. He says he treats all kids the same no matter who's they are. Would you be upset in my shoes?

Yep, I'd go fucking mad, could not have this at all. I'd mildly tell any child not to do something dangerous or damaging but shouting, he's your newish boyfriend and has told you plainly this is how he treats kids

So what did you say after these incidents?

He says he treats all kids the same no matter who's they are.

I would imagine much of the reason why he has children with an ex.
He'd be gone - in my shoes.

@Grumpyoldblonde with the dish throwing he obviously knew he was in the wrong as he apologised immediately so I didn't say anything as he'd apologised. With the wine bottle I said it was hardly the end of the world or something similar seeing as the bottle was empty and removed the bottle and told ds no and explained that it makes marks in the sofa so that was why he isn't to do that. I recall a couple of incidents last summer too when we were on holiday. Once was just us 3 and I think LO was upset as I had gone off for a shower (camping) and he told him off for crying. I told him then that he does not tell ds off for being upset. Ever. He is not used to being without me and I'd been admitted to hospital as an emergency 2 weeks before and it was the first time he'd ever been away from me for more than a few hours and it resulted in separation anxiety. Bf wasn't very understanding (I later found out he'd left his 1 year old for a week whilst he went on holiday with his now ex wife). The second incident in the summer I'm not sure about but it could have been he was messing with the blinds in the motorhome. He was two and a half and wasn't to understand they aren't very sturdy. I ended up leaving early that holiday as he was being a total arse.

And he still is a total arse. Dump him. Anyone who shouts like that at a little child doesn't deserve to be around him.

This man is showing you very clearly who he is. His behaviour hasn't improved since last summer, so it is fair to assume that it isn't going to improve in the future. If anything, it will deteriorate.

Do you think your son deserves to be treated like this in his own home? Who matters more - this man or your son?

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius both ds and bf know that ds comes first. Well as much as a 3 year old can know. He doesn't go to nursery as I don't work (at the moment) and as he's my last "baby" then I want to make the most of this time with him before he starts nursery next September. He is still breastfeeding and we are very close and snuggly. I'm not sure bf likes this and wonder if he's jealous. He doesn't have such a close relationship (as in they aren't very demonstrative with each other and there's lots of tension due to behaviour problems) with his kids although I'd say he has a very good relationship with them.

I could forgive the yelling for throwing a plate, I think I'd do similar in that situation out of shock, although my wording would probably be different. I think he did the same as he apologised afterwards.

If he's not had much to do with his kids whilst similar ages he probably doesn't understand the lack of thought that a typical 3 year old has about these things. At 3 he should be getting into trouble to learn boundaries but need constant reminders to do the right thing and think about things. Maybe your BF thinks your son is doing these things 'on purpose' as in with the intention to cause harm when he's just experimenting with his environment.

I'm not saying your son shouldn't be told off, but that as your son it is up to you to dictate how this should happen when he's in your care. But I think you will never trust him to care for your son in your absence again, that you will never trust him if your son says he yelled/smacked or did something etc. Is this the sort of relationship you want going forward?

You're right, I'd never trust him to be alone with him. It's only ever been whilst I've had shower. He did offer once to babysit whilst I went out with my mates but I didn't want him to do that. Couldn't put my finger on why although this was before the dish incident. There's just been something that made me feel a bit uncomfortable about him being on his own with them.

He's been with his kids as much as any other dad up until 3 years ago and now has his kids on alternate weeks so isn't lacking in knowledge.

Being blunt, if you carry on having a relationship with someone who treats your child badly, who you cannot trust to look after your child on his own, you are not putting your child first - you are putting yourself and your relationship with this man first.

Sorry.

You're right, I'd never trust him to be alone with him

So are you going to split up now? Or are you going to sacrifice your child for your own sake?

Yes I am going to split up.
Not seen him since the dish incident. He always makes me out to be unreasonable and imagining things are an issue hence my post. There's no need to be like that about it. I have never put anyone before my children.

I wouldn’t want this man around my DC.

Sounds like he’s been an arse towards YOU and your DC too in the past. Run for the hills!

Dump.

Oh dear op. It's so tough. Go with your gut instinct. I had a similar situation and I didn't follow my gut. Roll on a couple of years of me ignoring my gut after several abusive and aggressive rants at my DS he punched him in the face. He was 10 at the time. I ended it that day and police were involved but I wish I had listened to my inner scream. Goodluck

With the throwing, my sons a thrower and I’ve yelled, not at him but just in general shock.
However even if that was the case it doesn’t excuse his other behaviour and he’s not respecting you as a parent. And I doubt he treats all kids the same, I bet he wouldn’t yell at a strangers kid!

I appreciate what a tough decision this is for you, @upsetmummyof3, and my heart goes out to you.

@Shouldileavethedogs I'm so sorry to hear that. Yes, something in my gut is not right. He's great with him but very critical of certain things I do as a parent. Nobody is a perfect parent though and I'm raising my 3 alone. I'm doing my best. But I've never wanted to leave him alone with him and have only ever been gone whilst I shower. He has a very low tolerance for whining (although he whines himself!) and basically thinks LO needs to get used to me not being around as much for when he goes to school. He has a point but there's a graduation there of time apart. He won't just go to school for 6 hours a day from 0. They ease them in gradually. He's only 3, he's only ever had me (no family except my mum) so it's natural he'd be upset if I wasn't there.

Am I missing something? I’ve yelled when my kids were that age and I’ve turned round to find them touching/holding/about to throw something - it’s a panic reaction and frankly fine if it stops someone getting hurt. I’ve also raised my voice (a lot) when I’ve told them not to do something several times and they do it anyway. It’s called life with a toddler isn’t it??

No Alien not if you're a newish boyfriend who doesn't live with them. It's not his place to shout.

If you feel like you can't trust him then dump. And tell him why.

I agree with alienspaceship. But mumsnet groupthink will probably call me a child abuser in a minute.

This is so beyond the plate incident

I don't think he's good at being around kids to be honest

Your three year old should not be chucking plates across the room. Only you were there and can decide whether or not your b/f behaved in an acceptable way. I think I'd have yelled too. Sounds like you are still treating your DS like a very young baby which he isn't. He must be taught right from wrong in a more firm way or else he will soon be out of control. IMHO.

Wow Vivienne, out of control you say! Gosh yes I can see how throwing a dish is soon going to lead to that. Ffs. Seriously. He is very well behaved on the whole thank you very much and certainly a great deal better behaved at 3 than bf's kids are at 6 and 8! But thank you for your opinion.

Have you told him your parenting style and boundaries? If not then perhaps you ought to tell him you find that style unacceptable and he has the choice to stop and use your style with your child or leave - I wouldn't ha g around or give any extra chances but he didn't exactly scream in his face or go to hit him etc (instant bin!)

I'd also suggest not leaving empty wine bottles in the lounge as it's not really good if your child is picking them up for various reasons