DSD Hiding things from my DCs

[VikingBlonde]

Hello. This is probably something that would happen with any family not just a step thing but there is a little something going on and I wondered if anyone had had similar experience and dealt with it in a way they'd like to share?

I am 2 years into a blended family which of course has its ups and downs but we are mostly a happy bunch that get along well and I love the lot of them. DP has 2 kids and his own home, our kids' weekends align so as a blended family we spend more time at my house as it's bigger, and my 2 DSDs have their own room at mine.

It was my spare room really but I've made a lot of accommodations for them so that they feel like it's 'theirs' eg, the littler DSD has her own special kids bed, they have their own drawers/wardrobe space, toy cupboard, dressing up box, bookcases etc - it's pretty much just like the other kids' rooms but decorated to my taste as i'd done that before I met them and frankly I've got enough other decorating to finish round the house without changing a room which is finished!

So anyway blah. Recently I've noticed that things have been going missing. It's always something small but it's always something that is quite important to my DD/DS. Something weeny they've just bought with pocket money or that helps them read at night (seriously, a part of a plug off DD's bedside light went missing for weeks, her favourite thing to do is read in bed, apparently it was knocked off the socket when they were all swinging on the hanging chair in her room, but we searched high and low and weeks later I found it in a place it would not have fallen, but was carefully tucked behind teddies across the other side of the room). DS's favourite teddy went missing for a while and then when I was preparing the SD's room a fortnight later cos they were coming again I found it in a bedside cabinet (the DSD's one where she keeps her things) and a little sciencey atomiser DS made which went missing almost immediately after being shown, I found a month later on a bookcase tucked behind a book. I'm not imagining it, this weekend they both bought a little quid's worth gemstone thing in a museum, were playing together with stones, and lo and behold, that had gone too by bedtime. I've just found that, in a basket in the DSD's room. I asked DS if he might have put it there thinking I don't want to jump to conclusions but he is adamant he didn't.

I know it's really minor stuff but it is getting frustrating, my kids are sad at bedtime when best teddies are disappeared (also my DCs are both pretty anal about their stuff and rarely lose things) also I am reasonably tidy but I'm a busy woman and have enough to do without hunting shit out that's been hidden for fun.

DP and I have both casually, not accusingly, you know the drill, spoken to DSD about how sad it has made the other kids when they can't find things but she claims to know nothing about it.

I don't want to blame unfairly and also don't want to make anything a thing but I feel that it's gone beyond coincidence, and i don't want my kids (or me) to start resenting having DPs kids round because something they like goes bloody missing every time they do.

Anyone got any good positive tips for nipping this in the bud?

Oh goodness this is a tricky one.

Can you think of anything that would theoretically punish all the kids (so DSD doesn't feel victimised), but in reality would be more of a punishment for DSD than the others because she particularly likes it(but not in an obvious way iyswim)? Then you could use that as a punishment next time something gets 'lost'.

Another way to look at it is a cry for attention from DSD. The nature of the stuff you have described (small things, and hidden rather than stolen) makes me feel a little sad for DSD. Could it be that she is jealous of your DCs? Maybe she'd like to spend more time just with her Dad rather than the whole blended family?

You sound like a lovely caring step mum by the way.

There seems to be some jealousy there maybe? Do they spend any time with their dad at his house or is it always at yours? How old are the dsd’s?

My partner’s DD does this too... except things go permanently missing. I don’t allow her to be upstairs in my house without me being their because she’s very light fingered 😬
I talked to DP about it and he said she’s always been a bit like “oh I want that, I’ll just have that”. I think at times it is done out of spite or jealousy that my DD has something she wants/doesn’t have but other times I think she just thinks she’ll take it. She’s 9 now though and it seems to have eased off.
2 years is still early days and I think your set up strikes me as odd tbh.
Either live together and commit to being a family or your DP should be having his DCs at his house if he’s only having them EOW, there’s no need for them to be at yours knowing that they could be at dad’s.
I think the fact she’s doing things / hiding things that are of significance to your DCs implies she’s jealous of them, which is probably as a result of your DP making them spend the little time they do have with him at your house.
You sound lovely and obviously trying your best but I would leave DP have time at his house alone with his DCs seeing as you don’t live together yet. Effectively they’re being passed between 3 houses, with 2 other kids now in the mix... it must be making SD unsettled

I agree that it sounds like a cry for attention. Does the weekend at your house mean she doesn't spend time at her own house (Dad's)?

I think perhaps her dad should deal with this on his own with her, and shouldn't ask her if she took the things, but just tell her he knows she is taking them and talk to her about it. Also, I probably wouldn't directly ask her why she is taking things, as she probably won't have an answer. I would try to open a conversation with her about her feelings (jealousy, insecurity, missing dad, angry about parents' split up, wanting her own dad's house, etc?), after explaining that you know she has been doing this.

You do sound like a lovely SM.

Thanks guys!

I do agree it' s possibly a bit of a jealousy thing, that's been my instinctive reaction... And that things are hidden not stolen is why I've approached as more of a "it's not funny if it makes people feel sad" tack but it's grating a bit now!

Our two eldest are both 8 and yr4 and have got on brilliantly (with the odd bit of 8yo argy bargy) from day 1.

I agree they should spend more time on their own with their dad but apparently they clamour to see me & my two as soon as he picks them up on a friday... My DS is 6 and his youngest is 5 this month.

Just to add to the fun I'm off on a hen doo this weekend and DP has all four on his own haha! (they've done that before with me at the helm as he works away quite a lot)

I'll work on them spending more time at his with him. Since Xmas we have been thinking of moving in together and that's probably why I've wanted them to feel at home - perhaps it's too soon. I prefer the peace and quiet of 2 kids than 4 sometimes myself that's for sure!

are you sure they clamour to see you and dcs - or is it dp wanting to offload them asap?

Or maybe they clamour to see you because they know that's what DP wants them to say and they want to please him?

When has them while you're away, will they all be at yours or his?

How do your own DC feel about having two other DC show up every other weekend? Don't they sometimes want their home, their Mum and their stuff to themselves?

I'd hold fire on moving in together, and I'd have a think and be very clear about what benefit you and your DC are getting from the current set up. You sound absolutely lovely but it strikes me that all the cost is yours and all the gain is DPs. Is he cooking and cleaning up after his kids in your house? Or is it all on you as it's your place? If the DC are playing up, are you each comfortable telling the other's DCs off?

I can see what you're doing, trying a gentle lead into family life all together, and it's much more sensible and mature approach than a lot of people have when they jump in at the deep end, assume the DC will all be happy, and then wonder why it's all gone wrong and the adults aren't on the same page. However, this particular issue seems to be highlighting that your DSC are crying out, maybe quietly, about something, and it's really not fair on your own DC to have their precious things effectively being taken from them, in their own home, by guests they never chose to have there.

I don't have any advice on how to tackle it, I'm sure wiser people will be along, but I think "punishing" your own DC for the behaviour of DPs is a horrible idea. They're the ones already suffering! And it's a good opportunity to take a gentle step back, reduce the time you're all together, and just go slow.

Yes that has occurred to me TBH - I do feel I end up parenting and step parenting more than DP but that is a whole other thread innit!

What they don't have is a week night with their dad, which I've been trying to get happening but it's not for me to do is it.

Both DSD's parents are lovely people but both pretty passive and while they both talk about wanting more time with kids/time to themselves nobody seems to make anything happen... And I am not going to make that happen for them. I've extolled the fun benefits after school clubs and the family wide advantages of giving their mum more time off but at the end of the day their arrangements are theirs to organise, not for me to barge in and make happen.

It's interesting to see what the hive mind thinks here. thank you for helping x

They miss each other when we don't spend time together - but my two live with me full time other than the Wednesdays and alternate weekends with daddy so they do have a lot of chilled out time with me in their home. If I were them i'd be well pissed off at stuff going missing. they seem nicer than me and just pleased when stuff comes back!

I was a step kid and my SM was vile, there was never any welcome for me or my sis when we were there, perhaps I'm overcompensating! haha

Perhaps I'll ask my mum to have them this saturday instead. x

At a similar age my DB used to steal a lot but he would hide things in my room/cupboards, I don't think it was to frame me but more because parents wouldn't look there if they suspected him. So if you aren't 100% certain it's your DSD it might be one of yours!

I am also a step child and was hugely jealous of my step and half siblings, they had my dad at home all the time, giving them attention and caring about their life. Even now my Dad can't remember the names of any of my closest friends I've had since school, or even how old I am. I'm sure your DP makes an effort when he sees his kids but it can be hard knowing you're a "part time child" and that you vanish from the minds and lives of your family the moment you step out the door and go back to the other parent. Maybe some one on one time for him and his eldest - swimming, tea and cake, cinema - as long as it's regular and facilitates them getting to know each other it could help, if she is jealous.

that's valid yes, I am not 100% sure who is behind anything! And I do try not to leap to conclusions or blame someone unfairly.

DSD gets picked up from Brownies each week by daddy, and he is pretty good at having a chat with them when they need a few extra coping tools in their toolkits. I'll have a chat with him tonight.

No, you can't make him have them more. But you can decide not to accept ring the default parent to ALL 4 children when they're with you, just because you're a woman/have a bigger house/make more of an effort. It's not fair on you, your DC or the DSC, and you're making a rod for your own back for the next 10-12 years if you let the precedent stand and then move in together.

It's not really a different thread that you do more than he does, though of course totally up to you what you're happy discussing here, but HIS DC are crying out for attention, in a way that is hurting/confusing YOUR DC, and a possible explanation is they need more time and attention from their Dad.

As wonderful as I'm sure you are, he's their parent and needs to be the one stepping up to really listen to what they need, what makes them happy, secure, supported, to embrace all the good bits and the bad bits. It might be that you halve the time they come to you, so make it once a month, and the other weekend you have time just with your own DC. Not adventurous exciting time, but cosy, comfy, every day sort of time, hanging round at home. You can then see if there's a change in DSCs behaviour when they next come to yours.

It's his job to make sure his DC are happy, it's your to make sure yours are. I feel for all the DC here, mainly because your DP seems to expect a lot of all of you for his convenience.

It's easy to fall into patterns of behaviour. With a blank sheet of paper, what do you want? What makes your DC happy? Start there.

I would suggest they stay at their df huse and spend some one to one time with him now and again.

thanks everyone for your thoughts. It's helped me put my own into perspective a bit.

I've arranged for my DC to spend the night that I'm away with their own dad instead

I think it will be beneficial all round to have a bit of time apart, and the DSD's to be with their own dad for a whole weekend.

We are going away en grande famille for a week in Easter holidays and I will aim for there to have been some chats about respecting other peoples stuff even if you're feeling angry between now and then.

AnneLovesGilbert very interesting points raised. I do feel like DP expects a lot from me. His ex did most of the parenting I think and i do say on repeat I am not her and wont' just slot into her shoes until I'm blue in the face. I just had his sister, her DH and 3DC (making 11 people in total) at mine for the weekend which has taken me nearly a week to recover fully from. I think once a month is probably a good idea at least for a while.

Am needless to say REEEEAAAALLLY looking forward to going away on my own haha!

thank you all. Right, off to trampolining club OH THE JOYS haha

My DD used to do something similar (not in a step situation). Jewellery mobiles keys etc. Things that caused a major panic when lost

We never really did get to the bottom of the reasons as she couldn’t articulate exactly why she did it

She grew out of it by yr 5ish

She would help look and find and lo and behold would be the one to find it

Not much wisdom but would suggest asking your dsd to help find if it is something important and then encourage conversation as to why from there

Nice that your DC will see their father and get a break, but that's also letting your partner off the hook for reciprocating, after you hosted his family, after you host the weekends, after you look after all 4 kids without him....

Yes, I thought that, Riot! Nice for the DSC but also nice for the DP. Make sure you get a weekend soon with just your DC, OP.

Had a chat with DP about this last night and he has taken it on board. HE and his DC can hang out amongst themselves for a weekend, go swimming, skate park etc etc and that will hopefully reset them again.
They do so need their dad, their DM is sweet, but introduces them to her "new friends" as soon as she starts seeing a new fella, and they're onto their 5th or 6th mummy's new friend in 18 months. One was really abusive and horrible too, lots of aggression and shouting and once trying to break in which DSDs were privy to which is awful for kids to witness especially as DSD's won't have been used to as Dad pretty calm and quiet type...
That's got to be unsettling when people come and go like that, and can be volatile/unpredictable. I guess that's partly why I go above and beyond, I want them to feel very comfortable and welcome and adored here in our noisy but essentially calm home...

I will be bearing this sage advice in mind, you wise people. I love the kids and DP but it has to work for all the DCs, and me!

Plus DP can pay me back when we go away, Riot! haha, I'll slope off somewhere quietly leaving him in charge of them all just as he would expect to do when I'm in charge (and bloody well did, with his BIL leaving me with his S and all 7 kids last weekend). Oh yes, i'll be plotting to slope off somewhere ferry nice indeed hahaah

That's the spirit!

I agree they should spend more time on their own with their dad but apparently they clamour to see me & my two as soon as he picks them up on a friday...

I'll bet they do Sounds like your DP wants to blend at aligned weekends to have you at the helm. This is clearly a cry fro help from his dd and it is negatively impacting on your dc too OP. For the sake of the dc insist that you don't stay over together every single contact time. Both sets of dc need space with their parent.