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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Too much contact with ex?

25 replies

nevermind89 · 18/03/2018 15:04

Hi - just after some opinions. Background - been with DP for 3 years, I have 2 DS's - 13 and 14 - bad relationship with their DF, my ex. He sees them maybe once a week on average. My DP, although he tells me he doesn't get along with his ex (they have 2DDs together) seems to get along very well with her. I don't mind that he does.

However, after 6 years they still go out for meals for their DC's birthdays etc - just the two of them and the girls. They also go to the DD's school shows etc together. His ex's new partner doesn't go either. Just the two of them.

I get that it's about the children - and my DP always says they have a right to be able to have a family meal with their mum and Dad - but I just feel left out, like I'm not really a part of the family. DP won't entertain the idea of his ex's new partner, so it's not an option that we all go together.

They're still not divorced - though after discussing all of this with him, he is now sorting this out. Finally.

Just wondered what other people do - is this common? Thanks!

OP posts:

lunar1 · 18/03/2018 15:35

I'd have sold my organs as a child for my parents to do this with my brother and I. His children are lucky to have such mature parents.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 18/03/2018 15:50

My ex and I have dinner on the DCs' birthdays but we would also include any long term partners when we had them. I think it's nice for the DCs as long as they aren't under any illusion that the parents are likely to get back together and that they appreciate that the partners are an important part of their DCs' lives too.

I also drew the line at mothers day etc which is more about the parent than the DCs. My DP would go for Mother's Day lunch with his ex, her mum and their DCs the first couple of years, while I was on my own with my DCs as my ex obviously didn't see it as appropriate to be with me for a celebration about me rather than the DCs. He helps them to buy a gift/card etc but doesn't join in on the day. DP realised that his place was with me for the past couple of years.

NorthernSpirit · 18/03/2018 16:00

There’s a few things in what you write that don’t sound quite right to me.

Your OH says he doesn’t get on with his EW, yet he sees her regularly and goes out to dinner with her. Why isn’t he honest? He obviously does get in with her.

They’ve been split up for 6 years, they both have new partners, yet they aren’t divorced? Why not? What’s holding them back?

I know it’s about the kids, but it’s a bit weird to that they still go out together (and don’t invite their new partners). You should get an invite at least. I think it’s confusing for the kids. How does the EW’s partner feel about it?

Sounds like they aren’t emotionally detached yet.

Prettylovely · 18/03/2018 16:06

Everything northernspirit said.^^

Original poster

nevermind89 · 18/03/2018 16:11

Thanks. Some differing opinions, which is why I'm struggling. Don't want to be the controlling new partner, and as a mum myself, I know the children come first.

Hard for me to understand because I would never do this with my ex - our relationship is just non-existent.

He tells me they don't really get on - and I have been there when they've had arguments Via text. But yes - I agree - do they get along or don't they?!

As for the divorce - I don't know that either really. He says they just never got round to it. But as I said, after our discussions he is getting that sorted.

As I said, he won't have anything to do with ex's new partner (affair) , which means I can't go either - apparently he's fine with it! I'm trying to be - as @lunar1 above said - it's a fantastic thing to do for the children - but nagging doubt about emotional ties at the back of my mind. He obviously says there aren't any.

There's no right or wrong is there, I guess!

OP posts:

TwoDots · 18/03/2018 17:17

Is it fantastic for the children though? Of course kids want to be with both their parents , they want them to be back together again. I think it can be confusing and prolong the agony of the split. It makes it harder for the kids to bond to partners/step parents etc as they are the ones as seen getting in the way.

I think kids need to see their parents be respectful of one another, and amicable etc, but there has to be boundaries to protect everyone

Just my opinion though

BlueSkyBurningBright · 18/03/2018 19:04

ExDh and I did this for a few years after we split. We would go to dinner with the kids on their Birthdays, attend parents evening together and some other events. It got to feel a bit stranger as they years went on, we had less and less to talk about.

It stopped pretty much after about 4 years. Now we just do parents evenings together, which is more than enough. If ever I need reminding why I left him, 2 hours at parents evening is more than enough.

Just let it go, they will probably find it works its own way. Can't imagine why you would want to be there...

Ember12 · 19/03/2018 08:45

I dont see the problem there out in public with dc? Even if they don't get on surely been civil for the dc is best? If their happy and the dc are i dont think you should get involved will only cause problems for you.

WashingMatilda · 19/03/2018 09:13

I agree it's probably more confusing for the DC's than anything else.

Why has it taken them so long to get divorced and why did it take you talking to him to finally get it moving??

WashingMatilda · 19/03/2018 09:15

ember it's a bit more than civil though isn't it, going out for meals just the two of them and the kids. The kids have never had any proper closure on the end of their parents relationship.

pencilhoarder · 19/03/2018 09:37

The marriage is not over, don't believe the spin designed to keep you on a line.

Original poster

nevermind89 · 19/03/2018 09:42

Thanks for the replies. The difference in opinions - I guess it depends which angle you approach from - are exactly what's going on in my head.

On the one hand it's great that they do this for the kids. It's not their fault they divorced.

On the other hand, why not invite new partners too (except my OH wont entertain the idea of is ex's new partner due to their affair)

Then there's priorities. I get that kids come first - it hurts that they still do this - but as the adult do I just suck it up.

As for the divorce - I guess they saw it as a piece of paper. It did take me putting a bit of pressure on, to get it rolling. And I suspect he told her I'd given him grief - but I could be wrong.

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:

PixieDust100 · 19/03/2018 09:54

I don’t see anything wrong with going out for meals with the dc for there birthday BUT I do think new long term partners should be invited as well.

So the ex bloke and you as well.

In your situation that isn’t going to happen though as your own partner can’t get past the fact his ex had an affair and he doesn’t want to see her new bloke, so you will never be invited!

Are you really happy with that? He’s still stuck in the past. Yes I’m sure he’s never going to be best friends with his ex new bloke but he does need to move on.

To be honest though even if he all of a sudden was ok with it and said to his ex, you can invite your partner and il invite mine she could turn round and say no as I’m sure he’s told her she can’t bring her bloke in the past so why would she suddenly say ok to you coming because your partner grew up.

Magda72 · 19/03/2018 11:26

@nevermind89 - divorce may be just a piece of paper but psychology it is a big signifier to all involved including the kids.
From the kids POV they get to do stuff with their parents who are still technically married & without their parents oh's which is both confusing for the kids & is leaving them with the fantasy that mum & dad may get back together.
Exh & I did this for a bit too & the kids actually asked us to stop! They said it felt weird & very uncomfortable. We thought we were doing the right thing but we weren't.
I was left for the OW & you know how I knew my feelings for my exh were dead? - The day I walked into my old house (now inhabited by his dp, the ow) to have coffee with her.
If you've closure on a relationship you can deal with the new partners be they the ow/om or not. This is not so much about you not being invited but rather your dps inability to acknowledge his (ex)w's partner.
Your dp has not ended his marriage emotionally, he still has a foot in there & at some level (maybe subconsciously) is also buying into the fantasy that they may have a future together & that his family will stay intact & I would not be surprised if this turns out to be the slowest divorce in history.
If I were you I would take a massive step back or run for the hills as I really think if you don't you & your dcs are in for a whole heap of emotional turmoil.
💐

Magda72 · 19/03/2018 11:27

Psychologically - not psychology!
Grrrrr autocorrect.

Winosaurus · 19/03/2018 12:31

I really feel for you, it must make you feel uncomfortable. I personally couldn’t date someone who is still married to someone else because “legally” they still belong to each other... which leaves the new partners where? I don’t blame you for encouraging him to hurry up the proceedings.
My Ex and I get on very well because we genuinely have no feelings for each other outside of the love and respect we have being our DS’s Mum/dad. We’re very amicable and help each other out but I can’t imagibe a time I’d ever go for dinner with him and DS without my DP. That’s so odd.
There’s being friendly and nice for the kids, and then there’s playing happy families still. IMHO it appears your DP is still very much emotionally in turmoil over his ex. She cheated, he probably didn’t want the relationship to end but she caused it. The fact he’s still so angry about it after having been in a relationship with you for a while would worry me personally. He needs to detach from her and see her solely as the mother of his DCs (and in time they could potentially be friends) and not see her as his ex.
Him protesting and saying he doesn’t like her when he clearly gets along fine with her would also send alarm bells ringing for me.
“Thou doth protest too much”

SandyY2K · 19/03/2018 19:23

I'd say it's very understandable he doesnt want his ExW's partner there as he was the OM.

It's not as simple as saying he needs to get past it. He's moved on and has the OP... but that doesn't ever mean he will want to socialise with him.

As the years go by and the kids get older...this arrangement will probably decline or die a natural death.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 19/03/2018 23:32

I don’t buy that it’s a fantastic thing for the kids. My parents did this for a bit, excluded their partners at our birthdays, but we were always uncomfortable. They weren’t together anymore,, and believe it or I do think most kids sense a forced ‘look at us as a family still’ with the two big elephants in the room, their spouses missing. It’s just weird. It used to make me more sad and confused.

It can’t go on indefinitely. Having said that, my DP still goes to his kids birthdays etc and as they are at EWs house always, I’m not invited. It makes him only want to stay a short while, and does not help with my relationship with the step kids. It kind of forges a them and us, but the old them and us the old marriage does not exist.

He is hanging on to his father male exclusive dominant role because of the pain of the affair OP. He needs to let it go.

Original poster

nevermind89 · 20/03/2018 18:01

Thank you. I don't feel it's something I can control really. I guess I just have to decide whether it's for me or not. We don't live together - he has said he won't - though we do holidays / Christmas / family weekends all together.

I think it boils down to whether the children come first or us as a couple. It doesn't feel much like it's us!

OP posts:

TwoDots · 20/03/2018 18:19

Op, he won't live with you? Why?

Ember12 · 20/03/2018 18:22

I think it boils down to whether the children come first or us as a couple. It doesn't feel much like it's us!

Some differing opinions, which is why I'm struggling. Don't want to be the controlling new partner, and as a mum myself, I know the children come first.

You've already answered your own question. How old are the dsc? Maybe it's them pushing it.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2018 18:23

“I don’t see anything wrong with going out for meals with the dc for there birthday BUT I do think new long term partners should be invited as well.”

Why on earth? The new partners aren’t the parents.

PixieDust100 · 20/03/2018 18:50

BertrandRussell - but they could be step parents, that plays a valid role in the children’s life, why wouldn’t they go?! I’m not talking BF/GF that have been together 6 months! But long term partners like husband and wife.
Why would they need to go on there own when there very clearly not together, they don’t need to go out for a family meal as they are NOT a family. They are 2 people that have kids together and need to Co parent, that doesn’t have to involve meals out together. It’s false.
And it’s my opinion, if you don’t like it I really don’t care. Maybe try answering the op instead of just picking out my post

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 20/03/2018 20:01

@Bertrand
So when the kids are older and married, their spouses would not be welcome at any family events? Blood family only.

Cat2014 · 20/03/2018 20:07

The divorce thing is possibly money. ExH and I are not divorced (separated over 2 years, both with new partners) - no time or money to sort at the moment

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