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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What's with the overnights?

43 replies

HagSeed · 15/03/2018 15:17

Long time poster, NC because I haven't posted about my DSC before and am somewhat apprehensive about it for, well, obvious reasons.

When DH and I married and DH moved into my house, DSC were in their teens. We agreed to having them EOW until they went to uni and gave them a bedroom each (which was somewhat of a sacrifice on my part as I work from home and now have no office space left, but it's OK). I have no DC of my own.

Quite unexpectedly they both decided not to spread their wings and go to the unis of their choice, but to take up uni places in the city where we, their mum and their grandparents live. Both are doing well academically and have their own place (they're 20 and 19). They have no interest whatsoever in dating or relationships, but they do have active social lives.

The thing is, pretty much every weekend they turn up to stay over. I just don't get why. They walk in the door, go to their respective rooms, and don't speak to anyone except when they need something. Sometimes they turn up as late as 10pm and leave before we're even up. They ignore DH and me when we try to engage with them, they just sleep, eat, shower and go.

Why go to the trouble of travelling slightly out of town just to sleep in a different bed without speaking to anyone when you've got a perfectly good place, plenty of money for food etcetera (we make sure of that) and a social life of your own?

Selfishly, I'd just like to have a weekend without visitors for a change, so DH and I can do our own thing without factoring in the kids' dinner times, queuing for our tiny bathroom and what have you. We don't leave them home alone because despite their age they are still unusually irresponsible and careless, so we're always stuck at home at weekends.

What is this? Habit? Immaturity? Fear? The irresistible attraction of free food and (super slow) wifi? I could understand wanting to spend quality time with dad, I did a lot of that as a student, but that's not what they're after. I'm trying my hardest to be hospitable and kind, but...when will it stop? I'm beginning to feel like this situation isn't quite healthy for any of us.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SciFiG33k · 16/03/2018 04:50

This is odd. Time for a chat with your DH and them. Think it's time you claimed your office room back and then have a guest room that they are welcome to use when they come to stay.
The day after I moved out for uni my brother claimed my room. Dad didn't even have time to paint it like he had been waiting to do till I moved. Ever since when ive gone home it's to the guest room.

JacksGirl123 · 16/03/2018 05:08

Just tell them they can't come certain weekends. I wouldn't sacrifice all my weekends for the sake of rude adults that you can't even trust to leave alone in the house.

tralaaa · 16/03/2018 06:27

Reclaim your office. Make them share. Don't pick them up. If they don't have a key, and they have to arrange, and they have their own place and their mums too you can say sorry no not this weekend.

NerrSnerr · 16/03/2018 06:59

It does sound strange. If you can’t leave them alone then you can’t keep your life on hold for them, you have to tell them they can’t visit if you have plans to go out. To sure why you’re worrying about their meals, just let them make themselves something when they want their tea.

strawberrysparkle · 16/03/2018 07:02

Wow... it's their home and they probably feel comfortable at your house. I think you sound mean, even now I would be upset if my parents didn't allow me to turn up when I pleased and make a sandwich if I fancied.

They add adults, let them fend for themselves for meals and don't baby sit them, you don't need to.

University accommodation is actually hard work so they probably just want to escape.

GeorgeTheHippo · 16/03/2018 08:11

Time for a chat to resolve the mysterious issues. Maybe you can lock things away, maybe you can talk to the kids and get them to shape up. But you need some ground rules so you can make your own plans. And stop cooking for the buggers!

cloudchasing · 16/03/2018 10:44

Escape from what strawberrysparkle? The homes that they chose to move into?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/03/2018 11:22

But strawberry that’s fine if it’s also fine for your parents. Are you saying if your parents said they wanted one weekend totally to themselves you’d get cross with them?

cloudchasing · 16/03/2018 12:36

To me, this is typical of the generation. As parents, we are expected to put our own needs and feelings aside from the day we conceive to the day we die. That's what my dd told me anyway. Probably get flamed. Don't care

cloudchasing · 16/03/2018 12:38

Also strawberry what do you mean, 'university accommodation is hard work* 😂

CurlyRover · 16/03/2018 13:06

This is so weird.

OP I definitely agree with the suggestion of reclaiming a room for your office.

I stayed at my parents a lot at the weekends in my third year of university but I spoke to them about the reasons why and they were totally happy with me being there as they were going through a rough time. It's weird your stepkids haven't really spoken to either of you about it.

What happens when you ask them about why they're staying over so much?

strawberrysparkle · 16/03/2018 15:32

Having worked with them for many years, a lot of students find university accommodation extremely difficult and lonely. Why shouldn't they be able to escape home if they are finding it hard?

A lot of the time they are thrown into living situations with people they wouldn't normally get on with and this has a lot of negative impacts on them

NorthernSpirit · 16/03/2018 15:49

God these 2 girls (actually women) need to get a grip. One of the points of going to University is to be independent. It’s a shame they didn’t have the balls to go away, instead they chose to stay near home and have the ‘safety net’ of going back to their parents when they pick and choose.

Their home is now the accommodation they rent. Your home isn’t a guest house for them. Your husband needs to set some boundaries. It’s interesting how both girls behave this way.

God, when I went away to university I only went home during the holidays. And I certainly didn’t use my parents home as a doss house.

Disagree with @atstrawberrysparkke. It’s not (in my opinion) ‘their home’, it’s your home. Their home is the accommodation they rent. And as for being upset if your parents didn’t allow you to to turn up when you pleased and make yourself a sandwich. Sorry, you need to cut the umbilical cord. Your parents deserve a life too.

cloudchasing · 16/03/2018 18:03

Entirely agree with NorthernSpirit!

Strawberry what do you think WE all did when we left home?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/03/2018 18:09

A lot of the time they are thrown into living situations with people they wouldn't normally get on with and this has a lot of negative impacts on them

That’s life, it’s part of learning about others. And that’s being a SM!

Swivelchairaccident83 · 16/03/2018 22:32

I really feel for you, I’m sorry your experiencing this.
I agree that you should take a room back for yourself and if you make yourselves more unavailable at weekends and they don’t have keys then it might start to sink in that things are changing and it’s time to crack on with life.
A good and honest conversation with your DH is a good idea. He may be feeling the strain too and you might be surprised by his response.
I think there is a big underlying issue here that needs urgent attention.
I hope you find a happy soloution and soon. Sending a virtual hug

Original poster

HagSeed · 17/03/2018 11:03

Thank you all for your points of view, it's really useful. I'm sorry I can't elaborate a lot more on specifics as I don't want to be identifiable, but those of you who say the situation is odd are quite right - nothing straightforward here
As for what happens when we try to wean them off their routine - DH has just gently suggested to them that in two weeks' time he might only take them out for dinner and they could go and sleep at their mum's or in their own bedsits, because we'll have other visitors, but they reacted as if he'd told them that he's taking them out of his will and leaving everything to the local donkey sanctuary!

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 17/03/2018 11:50

DH has just gently suggested to them that in two weeks' time he might only take them out for dinner and they could go and sleep at their mum's or in their own bedsits, because we'll have other visitors, but they reacted as if he'd told them that he's taking them out of his will and leaving everything to the local donkey sanctuary!

I think there lies the problem! If they are aghast about being taken out for dinner, then driven to one of their three ‘homes’ - then they are taking the mickey and seriously need to grow up!

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