What's with the overnights?

[HagSeed]

Long time poster, NC because I haven't posted about my DSC before and am somewhat apprehensive about it for, well, obvious reasons.

When DH and I married and DH moved into my house, DSC were in their teens. We agreed to having them EOW until they went to uni and gave them a bedroom each (which was somewhat of a sacrifice on my part as I work from home and now have no office space left, but it's OK). I have no DC of my own.

Quite unexpectedly they both decided not to spread their wings and go to the unis of their choice, but to take up uni places in the city where we, their mum and their grandparents live. Both are doing well academically and have their own place (they're 20 and 19). They have no interest whatsoever in dating or relationships, but they do have active social lives.

The thing is, pretty much every weekend they turn up to stay over. I just don't get why. They walk in the door, go to their respective rooms, and don't speak to anyone except when they need something. Sometimes they turn up as late as 10pm and leave before we're even up. They ignore DH and me when we try to engage with them, they just sleep, eat, shower and go.

Why go to the trouble of travelling slightly out of town just to sleep in a different bed without speaking to anyone when you've got a perfectly good place, plenty of money for food etcetera (we make sure of that) and a social life of your own?

Selfishly, I'd just like to have a weekend without visitors for a change, so DH and I can do our own thing without factoring in the kids' dinner times, queuing for our tiny bathroom and what have you. We don't leave them home alone because despite their age they are still unusually irresponsible and careless, so we're always stuck at home at weekends.

What is this? Habit? Immaturity? Fear? The irresistible attraction of free food and (super slow) wifi? I could understand wanting to spend quality time with dad, I did a lot of that as a student, but that's not what they're after. I'm trying my hardest to be hospitable and kind, but...when will it stop? I'm beginning to feel like this situation isn't quite healthy for any of us.

From what you've said it sounds like reasonable feeling to have. Especially if they are just eating your food sleeping in their rooms and leaving. No doubt for you to wash their bedding aswell.
I'd have a chat with your partner about it all. Explain how you feel but you might need to come up with some options so it doesn't seem like your saying they can never stay over.
I'm not sure if it's an option but could you combine them into one room so you get an office space back. With hopes they reduce their visits.
Can you look at a bolt on the door and an alarm system which means they will have to give you notice on when they plan to drop by so you can leave them off.

Thank you. I don't think they'll share a room as they're both quite loud and annoy each other (singing, facetiming, playing loud games on their phones etc.). They don't actually have keys to the house so they do give notice of when they're coming, but DH never says no and even goes to fetch them.

It’s their home. I don’t blame them wanting to escape. University can be a strange and exhausting bubble. Just be pleased they like coming

Given that I wouldn't have my own children treating the house like a hotel, I wouldn't expect my step,ids to either.

You and your DH should insist on the coming before (eg) 8pm and eating at least one meal with you. If they don't want to do that, they stay at their mums.

Are you saying they are staying in Uni residential accommodation? If so, do they share a bathroom with plenty? Do they have problems with other students coming back early in the morning very noisily?

Surely it's time to talk to them about the issue?

Do they do that at their mum’s too? They may just want some sleep and a respite from student life, or maybe everyone else goes home at the weekend and they don’t want to be alone.
TBH it sounds a bit odd that you don’t think it’s ok to leave them on their own if they have already left home? Or is it parties etc you are worried about? I’m also surprised they don’t have a key if they live nearby. maybe you need to be less available at weekends and have your own plans? I have an adult DSD myself and did find 18-23 quite a difficult period as they can still be quite self-centred and immature at that age. It did improve dramatically after that though

They obviously feel at home which is lovely. If they are at uni they are capable of looking after your house and cooking for themselves. Make your own plans. Go out. (They might show up less if they have to cook sometimes!)

We can't leave them on their own. It's complicated. Sorry I can't explain in detail, but it's not an option.

Blimey, OP, you're a better woman than I am. If I owned a three bedroomed house and worked from home and married a man with two boys, I wouldn't give up my office so that they had a room each.

And now - they have their own places AND a room each at yours? Why?

I would take one of those rooms back as my own. It's just not fair that you don't have a room to yourself when it's your house.

If they ignore each other why not reclaim a room for your office and have one ‘spare room’ and tell them they can visit alternately?

Take one of the rooms back as office space and tell them that, seeing as they no longer live there and have their own places, if they want to visit and stay over then they will have to share the one remaining room.

It might make them appreciate that, when they stay over, it’s not a hotel. It’s your home and they are young adults with lives of their own who are welcome to visit and be sociable – not simply turn up to use the free internet, eat the free food and have their arses wiped for them.

If they can live independently the rest of the time it's pretty hard to understand why they need this level of molly coddling when they come to your house.

George it's more self-preservation on our part than mollycoddling. We'd love to treat them like adults, but we value our own privacy and safety.

This sounds highly odd. On two levels.

Firstly, what on earth are a 19 year old and 20 year old doing coming back to sleep at yours? Do they have housemates up to all sorts that they want to avoid?

More worryingly, you won't leave a 19 year old and 20 year old alone in your house as you value your privacy and safety? I appreciate this is a public forum so you can't share the details, but WTF?

Whatever is going on here needs a frank and open conversation with your DH. And more importantly a solution. Because all I can think is that you feel they are either going to use the opportunity to shift through your personal items / bug you/ steal from you....if you go out and leave them to it. Regardless of the situation, it's NOT ok to be in that position.

You need to talk. Properly. And resolve it.

Do you mean you can't leave them alone because they will bring potentially dangerous people back to your house when you're not there?

Do they live independently of adult supervision when they are not with you?
Where's their other parent in all of this?

I'd leave my DD15 at home alone when I go for a night out...so it's odd that a 19 and 20 year old with the academic ability to go to Uni are unable to be unsupervised at home.

As to why they come home...I expect it's nice, homely, comfy and they get privacy ...as well as s cooked meal.

If they continue this, that means no going out on the weekend for you...for another couple of years.

What if they want to move in full time after Uni... when they get a job? Would they still require supervision.

Take one of the rooms back as office space and tell them that, seeing as they no longer live there and have their own places, if they want to visit and stay over then they will have to share the one remaining room.

I second this suggestion! Might lessen the visits!

I find it a bit odd that they have their own place as well as their mums but are still coming to yours most weekends like it’s a hotel or something. If you need one of the rooms for your office space then I would convert it back as they are being quite rude and are not little children anymore.

The reason they are travelling out of town is because they are getting everything in yours for free. Why do you have to stay in at weekends? If they didn’t visit what would you do? Presumably they have keys? If not, I’d just go out and if you aren’t in then they would have to come back another time to visit.

How does your partner feel about it? He needs to say something to them as what they are doing is unacceptable when they have their own place.

I don't think they'll share a room as they're both quite loud and annoy each other (singing, facetiming, playing loud games on their phones etc.).

Well that’s just too bad isn’t it! If you need the space back it doesn’t matter if they don’t like it. Anyway, why do they both have to stay at the same time. The room should be more like a spare room to be honest.

Why can’t you leave them home alone?
Are they this rude at their mum’s house?
Are they in halls that aren’t very nice?!
Have you spoken to them about treating the place like a hotel?

Their DF, is never going to say no, so if I were you, I'd plan a weekend away every so often. Tell your DH that you're locking (and alarming) the house, so you don't expect anyone to be staying over!

You can’t leave two adults who keep themselves alive and unharmed all week alone?

I do think that adult / child transition where kids treat their childhood home as a hotel is pretty annoying. Often if you are the parents, you either quite like that your babies haven’t quite flown the nest so just indulge this. However as step parents it’s important to have some breathing space, and to feel that you can just relax as being a step parent is stressful in the way that being a parent isn’t.

So I’m with you. They are behind needing or wanting parents. They just want a comfier place to do their washing. It’s no big trial for them to just do this EOW or some other such arrangement. In fact it’ll probably do them good, inject a bit of motivation for them to socialize at their own places more.

The trouble is raising this with them / DP will mark you as evil stepmother!

My dd is in school overseas, when she moved out dh joked about making her room a home gym. I said whenever she wants a bed in my home she'll have one. She does.

I don't get this. They have their own place but you can't leave them alone in yours for an hour? This is weird.

My son is 21 still in university and as far as I am concerned he can come home to his bedroom and home any time he wants. But my life goes on regardless - I don't stay home for him,

To be frank, if your 19 and 20 year old step children cannot be left safely alone in a house for an afternoon, you have bigger problems and need to address them now.