Unreasonable demands from DH?

[Theaspidistraiswilting]

Dear Ladies, I hope you can help.

I have been a stepmother to my SD for 10 years. She was 1 year old when I first met her.

From the outset my husband was very keen for me to be a Mother to her which I firmly pointed out I wouldn't be as she has a very nice Mother of her own and I would be her Stepmother which can be a very good relationship and I think we do indeed have a pretty good relationship.

The problem is my DH. He constantly pushes for more. We have two DCs of our own, both girls and the three of them get on fine. SD is with us 2 days a week, one weekday/night and one weekend day/night and we also quite often have her when her Mum wants to go out or go away for the weekend etc. We never go on holiday without her.

My family have been hugely supportive and include her in their lives too, for example my parents are paying for us to go on holiday shortly and they have paid for her too.

From the outset my DH has been almost aggressive in insisting that she is included in everything. Up until two years ago he wouldn't even come on days out with me and our own 2 DCs in case my SD felt left out, even though she was out with her own Mum.

A couple of recent examples of his behaviour are:

I went shopping and there were 2 jackets on sale in the sizes of my own 2 kids and so I bought them. DH was furious that I hadn't bought one for SD. There wasn't one in her size, that was the only reason but he reads it as me singling her out as 'not mine'.

Yesterday I got four plates out of the dishwasher and put them on the table, SD is with us so we are a family of 5. I turned round to get down another plate and he demands furiously 'where is SDs plate?', there was one plate missing, it could have been anyones plate but he immediately assumes she has been left out. I could go on and on. It is exhausting and I have reached the point where it is becoming unbearable.

Can anyone help?

Sounds really stressful. And still like this after 10 years?

Have you tried to talk to him? This isn’t great for your kids either, seeing how much the eldest is insisted upon.

Seriously get out.
All the DC will think that this is how men are supposed to be with women. They'll think this is normal behaviour.

What happens if say you do go out without SD or if your family treats her differently? Does he abuse them?

You are being abused and he will never change.

Omg this is crazy

It depends whether he is capable of knowing whether he's being unreasonable or not. If he is, but just can't help himself, you can take the upper hand, understand the reasons on his behalf, and repeat them over and over again as many times as possible until he eventually understands why he is behaving in this way and undertakes to stop. So when he starts frothing, "Listen we've talked about this, all three children are treated differently at times and it doesn't mean one is loved or cared for less than the others, it's just down to their different needs", always with the same calm but slightly bored tone. Defuse the situation and take the lead. Worked (in different circumstances) with my dh.
But if he's just a bully and loves having a pop at you, that's a totally different situation requiring different actions from you (mostly leaving).

You need to sit him down and read him the riot act! You are doing everything you can to include his DD. I think you are doing a good job, and he's lucky your doing so much!

Could you not point out to him next time he makes a remark about "leaving her out" how all he is doing is creating a divide that wasn't there? As the kids get older it's only going to leave SD feeling awkward and guilty if the kids do have a good relationship, and leave yours feeling resentful if they don't? Is there a relative of his that could back you up?

You sound very kind and a lovely SM by the way, and I like your description "a bit of a nutter!". Don't let his hang-ups make you doubt yourself will you.

He’s abusive

He screams in your face ?🙄 he sounds like a great guy.