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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unreasonable demands from DH?

34 replies

Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/03/2018 14:29

Dear Ladies, I hope you can help.

I have been a stepmother to my SD for 10 years. She was 1 year old when I first met her.

From the outset my husband was very keen for me to be a Mother to her which I firmly pointed out I wouldn't be as she has a very nice Mother of her own and I would be her Stepmother which can be a very good relationship and I think we do indeed have a pretty good relationship.

The problem is my DH. He constantly pushes for more. We have two DCs of our own, both girls and the three of them get on fine. SD is with us 2 days a week, one weekday/night and one weekend day/night and we also quite often have her when her Mum wants to go out or go away for the weekend etc. We never go on holiday without her.

My family have been hugely supportive and include her in their lives too, for example my parents are paying for us to go on holiday shortly and they have paid for her too.

From the outset my DH has been almost aggressive in insisting that she is included in everything. Up until two years ago he wouldn't even come on days out with me and our own 2 DCs in case my SD felt left out, even though she was out with her own Mum.

A couple of recent examples of his behaviour are:

I went shopping and there were 2 jackets on sale in the sizes of my own 2 kids and so I bought them. DH was furious that I hadn't bought one for SD. There wasn't one in her size, that was the only reason but he reads it as me singling her out as 'not mine'.

Yesterday I got four plates out of the dishwasher and put them on the table, SD is with us so we are a family of 5. I turned round to get down another plate and he demands furiously 'where is SDs plate?', there was one plate missing, it could have been anyones plate but he immediately assumes she has been left out. I could go on and on. It is exhausting and I have reached the point where it is becoming unbearable.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 15/03/2018 14:33

Sounds more like a teenager than a dh. But sounds like the usual case of df guilt that he can be a df to 2 more than he can to 3. Remind him that his dd has another life where she is treated well (?) but your household is also entitled to be happy when she isn't around also.

Lichtie · 15/03/2018 14:36

Crap situation for you and you need to talk to him about it. On the plus side at least he is a good father that has not abandoned his kids from a previous relationship.

Original poster
Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/03/2018 14:45

He is a good Dad. BUT he has a filthy temper which is always roused by this which leads to him screaming swear words in my face in front of the kids, so not always so great...

He does feel massively guilty, he didn't want SD when his ex was pregnant and I don't think he will ever forgive himself for it.

I would like to be able to give him some chance of moving on from feeling like that but he just doesn't seem to be able to do it and his constant pressure to glue us all together just ends up having absolutely the opposite effect. I have told him this and he has agreed when he is calm and rational, which is becoming less and less often.

OP posts:
timelord92 · 15/03/2018 14:56

The way he is behaving is unacceptable, especially the hostility and his aggressiveness which comes out sometimes in relation to his daughter.

Some of the little things you have mentioned he does (like the plates thing) is just ridiculous.

It’s good that he wants his daughter included but the way he is acting, what cost is this going to have in the end? If he’s not careful he’s going to end up with not only one child from a broken family by 3!

It sounds like he hasn’t forgiven himself for not wanting her originally but he can’t be doing that with you or in front of the kids.

Maybe counselling would be an option not only for him but for all of you.

TheFaerieQueene · 15/03/2018 15:00

He sounds like an abusive arsehole. I would not get counselling with him. It is not safe. Personally, I would have got rid ages ago. (I’ve done it myself)

Dancingmonkey87 · 15/03/2018 15:07

He sounds like a dickhead. I’m a mom of three my ds is from a previous relationship two with my dh. We certainly don’t monitor who get wants in terms of clothing I buy when I need to for the particular child at them, or if I see anything in the sales.

How is your relationship with your sd is it a happy one?

Original poster
Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/03/2018 17:01

Sorry for disappearing, yes I get on just fine with my SD. We have a mostly lovely family except when we are under siege when DH is like this. I am beginning to wonder if he is a bit of a nutter TBH. He is very mercurial, lovely for 4 days and then all of a sudden will just blow up at some perceived slight. It is definitely getting worse and is also dependant in how dmattessed he is with work and I have said many a time don’t take it out on us. Again, if I catch him in a good and rational mood he agrees and things improve for a bit then begins the tetchiness followed by the rages.

I have thought if family counselling - I know I can look it up but have any of you experienced it?

Thank you!

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/03/2018 17:05

He sounds unhinged. What kind of environment is it for any of you if he's screaming in your face?

Viviennemary · 15/03/2018 17:10

The way he is behaving is totally illogical. Sounds like he is blaming you because he feels his daughter is not a complete part of your new family and has not got equal status with your own two daughters. I agree he sounds unhinged. All this blowing up and having a filthy temper is horrible to live with and if it doesn't stop you will have to consider leaving if you don't want to put up with this behaviour for the rest of your life.

Original poster
Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/03/2018 17:13

Do how do I explain that much as I love her she doesn’t have equal status? It makes me sound like a wicked stepmother even though though it is a fact due to circumstance rather than design!

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 15/03/2018 17:17

He doesn't sound great. Blowing up round the three children. I imagine his ex knows what he's like.

What do you want? I imagine his daughters life is much improved by him living elsewhere. Sadly if he didn't have this reason to blow up he'd have found a different reason.

Magda72 · 15/03/2018 17:21

To be honest it sounds like he has a mental health issue which is finding expression through his/your relationship with SD.
I would be very concerned about the swearing in your face in front of the kids - that's extremely abusive behaviour & I'd hazard a guess that if he didn't have ds to be flipping out over he'd find something else.
I think you need to talk to someone (counselor/gp) by yourself & take it from there.
I wouldn't want my kids seeing/listening to that sort of behaviour.
💐

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/03/2018 17:41

She does have equal status, but some of the time she lives with her mum, so eg all kids have a right to new clothes when they need them - your kids only have you to buy them, so all of their clothes are provided by you. Your SD's got a right to new clothes and sometimes her mum will buy them and sometimes you will. If her mum never bought them, then presumably you'd buy all of them.

SandyY2K · 15/03/2018 18:15

Its not a question of status....but it's ridiculous to expect you to buy something for her every time you do for your girls.

I have 2 DDs and sometimes i only buy for one...if the others size isnt there...or if it's something the other wouldn't like.

It's his guilty conscience and you need to firmly tell him he has to stop the swearing and shouting at you...especially in front of the kids..it's bad even when they don't witness it.

Because he hasn't suffered any consequences for the outbursts...he will continue to do it.

GreenTulips · 15/03/2018 18:20

When was the last time he shopped for all three kids - you know just picked something up they might like?

He sounds completely awful and none of you should put up with this

Fishface77 · 15/03/2018 18:24

HEs not a good dad at all.
He’s showing his DDs a poor example of how they can be treated and how it’ll be ok because dad treated mum like that.
He’s using your dsd as an excuse to treat you like that.
Dump the fucker.

MauriceTheSpaceCowboy · 15/03/2018 18:24

In your shoes I would be planning to leave him. At the moment you are putting up with horrible abusive behaviour. You are also teaching all three girls that this behaviour is acceptable in relationships. Could you leave?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 15/03/2018 19:51

Do how do I explain that much as I love her she doesn’t have equal status?

His behaviour is awful, abusive and I imagine hard to live with. But you must realise that just because his other child is not your priority, she retains equal priority as your children in his mind?

Original poster
Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/03/2018 19:52

I have thought about it. He wouldn’t leave the house and we have pets. And where would I go? That sounds very wet but I work part time and couldn’t rent anywhere. I really don’t want to leave. I want him to be the very nice man he is when he isn’t behaving like this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/03/2018 20:21

I know ohreallyohreally, but the fact is she isn't here all the time and therefore she is treated differently. Not when she is here, then is she is one of the pack but he seems determined to find ways in which she is made to feel less which really don't exist.

Today I had a home visit from a child trust fund advisor who was paying a visit basically to go over where we were with my youngest's trust fund - she was born when all children were given a £250 voucher to start them off by the government. He stormed into the kitchen opening and slamming doors and banging stuff around. Listened for a bit then said nastily 'that money better not be coming from our joint account that's not fair on SD' (It is only £20 pcm and wasn't!). The poor woman was mortified and said if she had come at a bad time she could come back.

The kids have been brought up as sisters and she is a huge part of our lives and my relationship with her mum is pretty much as good as it could be. He very early on abdicated responsibility for making drop off arrangements etc. to me and is happy usually just to let us get on with it and when he is like that we muddle along fine.

Sorry, just having a vent now!

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 15/03/2018 20:23

You need to leave him op his behaviour is escalating and that’s not normal he’s been aggressive in front of strangers!

SandyY2K · 15/03/2018 20:55

that money better not be coming from our joint account that's not fair on SD'
Did he ask if there was a similar scheme for your other DD?
It almost sounds like he favours her above your DC.

It's not family therapy you need her...he's the one with the problem. He needs individual counselling...then when he's understood more and reflected on his behaviour to the point of improvement...maybe you can consider MC.

You need to tell him you've had enough of his shouting, swearing and unreasonable behaviour and that if it doesn't stop...you will seriously have to consider the future of this marriage...because of the disrespect to you and the impact that witnessing his behaviour will have on the DC.

Original poster
Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/03/2018 21:01

Thanks everyone, I was beginning to wonder if it was me overreacting. Off to think about how to handle it. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 15/03/2018 21:19

He’s an emotional bully and it sounds like it’s on the edge of physical abuse.

He’s being totally unreasonable.

You need to protect yourself and your children. Personally I would leave him. I wouldn’t want to live with a bully like that and your children shouldn’t be seeing him behave that way. As you’re the primary carer you will be most likely the one to stay in the house if you were to separate. I would be preparing an exit plan.

Hippee · 15/03/2018 21:38

It's impossible to treat all children the same, whether they are biologically equal or not. Rick Riordain sums it up brilliantly - “Fairness does not mean everyone gets the same. Fairness means everyone gets what they need.” When your SD is with her mum she doesn't need the same from you. Sadly it does sound as though the problems with your DH go much deeper though - so sorry and hope you manage to protect yourself and your DDs!

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