Husband never disciplines his daughter

[meme70]

I’ve been with my husband 5 years his daughter is 11 now.
She lies a lot and never asks his permission if she can do thing she tells him.

I have 3 daughters and he nags me to the point of obsessive that I should take they’re phones of them and punish them but I am strict.

She’s TOLD today she’s going somewhere in 2 days and he has to take her .... he’s said NO as she’s know 3 weeks and it’s vwey short notice

So she’s arranged for her friends parents to take her and told him and didn’t ask and he’s done nothing and is letting her go.

It’s lioe household chores hebalways day get my daughters to do washing up tidy up etc but never tells his own child to.
It doesn’t feel like a family unit I tell him he’s wrong but he just wants a quiet life I explained he’s setting up problems for the future !

Sorry autocorrect from phone

Tell him to focus on disciplining his own daughter and stop obsessing about yours.

She’s TOLD today she’s going somewhere in 2 days and he has to take her
What event is this that she needs to go to at 11 yo? Surely it's a family or close friend event? Wedding? Birthday party? How far away is it?

I tell him all the time sadly
She has to go on a guided trip
Her mum refused to take her so she TOLD her dad he has to when he refused as it was last minute she’s known 3 weeks she went and arranged a friends Mum to take her

The issuer is she tells her father what to do and her mother and when they explain she can’t shell go off and arrange it another way
Being 11 I know it’s setting a rod for his back one I’ll be involved with also it’s not fair whilst I’m trying to parent properly he’s letting his child walk all over him

He’s letting her go so that’s a red flag for all future descisons

At least she is showing signs of independence already..It might be hard few years but she is more likely to take responsibly for herself in the future..ie won't relay on parents till 30.

I would probably just step back..If she arranged an alternative and her dad is ok with that why aren't you? Would you rather he made her not go which would escalate into a fight?

The chores and lying is an issue but I dont undertsand the probelem with her taking responsability and sorting another way to get somewhere, thats impressive.
2 days notice isnt short notice to want a life somewhere, my DC say they need a lift right now and I would be pleased with them if I'd said no and they had sorted it out another way.

Is the activity something she isn't allowed to do?

Sorry but isn't it a case of her being stuck in the middle? She told her mum, her mum then said thst her dad needed to take her as it falls under his weekend so she asked dad?

Kids do ask in a I'm telling you' manner because they take it for granted they will taken to places. Surely if it's an organised event with a club she attends or school surely it's not so unreasonable to assume that her parents will take her?

Of course it would be reasonable to remind her firmly that she needs to bring this up in advance but punishing her and telling she can't go at all seems a very unfair punishment especially when she has shown initiative to find another mean for her to be taken there which for her age is quite mature.

I must be missing something because I don't get why the failure not to tell is so bad that it deserves the punishment of being forbidden to go at all.

I think you all are missing the point
If it was my daughters my husband would tell me to punish them any tiny thing he says I should punish them but his daughter lies and won’t do what she is told.
She knew 3 weeks about this trip and no 2 days notice isn’t enough as we work from home and can’t drop everything at short notice.

So you encourage a child to do the opposite to what she’s told. She was told no she can’t go as her mother shouldn’t be telling her she can go sign the forms weeks ago without consulting with my husband knowing he works from home - that’s like us being at work and having to take her somewhere she knows she has to give us as much notice as possible.

Her mother does many things she shouldn’t like tell her she can go in hoikday with friends and pay her fine as School won’t let children go away in term without consulting me husband so his daughter comes here and tell him I’m going in hoolday in school time Mum said I can and she will pay her fine you will have to pay yours ? That’s not maturity mature people know that can’t do as they like and my children wouldn’t act like this they have manners to ask.

She was told no by her mum she won’t take her as she hasn’t got the car but her Mum knows we don’t have a car so why tell your child you can go but I can’t take you as I have no car but your will take you even though it’s the same thing.
There was no communication from the mother or the daughter.
We can’t just drop everything for one person there’s 5 of us that live in the house.

The child lies a lot came here yesterday limping her foot hours trying to get time off school but she’s done trampolining 2 days athen when we said is she putting it in she then dropped the hurt foot act.
She’s told to wash up and help in the house she ignores that and he lets her and then has the cheek to say my daughters should wash up I say why can’t your daughter ?
It’s the picture of he wants my children to do everything around the house but his child do nothing considering I do 99.9% of all the washing cooking cleaning sit gardening bill paying and all his daughters care then why does he think his child should come to the house and do nothing but my children do things?

He never punished her but wants my children punished but for some reason you’ve all bypassed that and said I’m in the wrong lmao

Well no I’m the only person for 5 yeas who’s brought all her clothes done all her washing provided all her bed bedding furniture and cooked all her meals made all her packed lunches and taken her out while her parent didn’t bother.

So the person who said step back I will but I am not surprised at your replies all I know is my children are much better mannered than this child and no arranging a lift when’s she wa told no by her mum and dad is bad behaviour

I’m sure if you told your child NO and they did the opposite you’d punish them?

My children never tell me to do something or they are doing something they’ve been brought up as I was to be polite and well mannered and ask.

That’s the problem these days children being brought up without thinking they have to ask. They do as they like and no manners.

I’m proud of the way my children are they have always been phrased how well mannered they are. Even my husband is embrassed about his daughters lack of respect and manners toward us and her mum.
He’s even pulled her up on being rude and taking her Mum for granted but telling her Mum what’ she’s doing and not asking.
Aged 11 you shouldn’t be even thinking you can do what you like you should be asking permission imagine how bad society would be if we all did what we wanted and never asked permission.

Sorry OP but you don't sound reasonable. She has asked you to take her..you said NO..so she arranged an alternative. She is 11 and I don't think you are being fair on her.

I haven't missed the point but you are. Your problem is not with your SD. It's 100% your relationship and DP. It's not her fault she has a disney dad who is actually overly strict with your children. It's not her fault you are frustrated cause your DP is a shit step dad. You need to sort it out with him. She will only do what she can get away with and HE is letting her..HE is your problem.

I think she managed quite well with sorting the trip in the situation.

You come across as very resentful and wanting your OH to punish his daughter just because you have an issue with him bringing up the way you discipline your children and that seem to be totally clouding your common sense.

You talk in your last messages about how your OH is embarrassed of his daughter yet you say he nags you almost to obsession about your lack of discipline of your kids in your first message.

It sounds like you are in a childlish conflict with your OH over whose children are more perfect and which needs stricter disciplining. Poor kids stuck in the middle and you talk about maturity?

Your issues are partly because you parent differently, don't push your marital problems onto your step daughter.

The pair of you need to address your own issues. Do you think your children enjoy living with a man who is punishing them for everything?

Quite honestly your DSD arranging her own lift somewhere is the least of your problems.

If you feel like he’s picking on your children and treating them badly, then tell him to knock it off immediately or you’ll walk away. This is a horrible life for them, they’re putting up with him for far more time than you’re putting up with your step daughter.

Focus on that. He’s the problem here. If you think he’s being unfair and overly critical why are you letting him do it? How is that alright? You might not like how he parents his daughter but in order to do right by your own kids you need to protect them from what you make sound like a barrage of incessant chipping and moaning by an adult who lives in their home and has nothing good to add to their lives.

Poor kids stuck in the middle lol
Yeah his daughter is limbered with a drug addiction y alcoholic mother and a father who does all he can to avoid spending time with his child and all her care is them limbered on me

Yes I am sick of his laziness in all ways in our relationship and his parenting ‘skills’

My children of which 2 aren’t children they are adults think his daughter is a brat as she gets away with everything and is constantly looking for any ounce of attention from parents that can’t be parents

You are so full of anger and resentment, maybe rightly so, but you've got to accept that your attitude towards her is not going to help in addition to her parents lack of involvement.

You think your step child is a brat whilst your kids have been brought up properly. He clearly disagree. Frankly, I think your marriage is serious troubled if not over and for the sake of the kids, you are better going your separate ways at this stage.

What’s with all the ‘punishing’? What a horrible thing to focus on in parenting your children.

I agree it’s him you need to sort it out with. He’s treating the children differently. That’s not her fault.

I think you may be missing the point, this is an 11 year old whose parents refused to take her to guide camp, whose mother is neglectful and whose father won’t parent.

She is an emotionally immature 11 year old let down by the parents in her life and who is trying now to gain attention negatively

I think with telling you are massively missing the whole dynamic of her relationship with her mum.

Children learn from adults and it seems all 3 in her life have failed her

Step away from this poor child, she sounds like she has an awful life, and your attitude can only bring her more harm. The only kindness you can do for her is to make sure her school know how dismal her life is before you go.

Wow! Poor kid.

I’m not sure there’s any problem with the stepdaughter , but your dh telling you to punish your children and not his is out. I think it would make him extremely unattractive to me and I’d tell him so.

Get divorced. Honestly, you have nothing nice to say about anyone and it sounds incredibly fucking miserable for everyone involved.

Walk away. Have your own separate lives and separate families and stop sniping at each other.

What is the point of choosing to stay in this set up? You despise your husband, your posts drip contempt for him which is as bad as it gets in relationship prognosis terms, and you loathe his daughter. Your kids are miserable and being picked on. What on earth are you doing?!

OP your SD sounds like a victim after your last update. If neither of her parents really care it's hardly suprising she is sorting things out for herself and doesn't bother to ask for permission to do things...
And again, she will only "get away" with what your DH lets her do...He sounds like a shit father as well as step father and I feel sorry for his 11year old..