Not sure how to react..am i alone??

[sazzle92]

Hi there..

First time on the forum, bit nervous to be honest, but just feel i need some advice! Bit of a long post.. so apologies in advance.

Bit if background first..
Okay, I'm 25, been with my partner for just over a year now and met his 2 kids (6 and nearly 8) at the tail end of last year..

They were apprehensive at meeting me which is totally understandable... met his ex first which again was understandable...
and to be honest, it has all gone swimmingly well! The kids really seem to like me, miss me when I'm at work and they're over (i do shift work)..

I feel like I've been thrown in at the deep end a little, because I haven't had the years with them to understand their development, how kids behave and talk etc - I was an only child and part of a small family with no other children or cousins around when I was growing up, other than school mates of the same age).

The bits I find difficult is when the kids talk about when mummy and daddy were together, and when things happened, and "thats the side of the bed mummy used to sleep on" etc etc..
I know the phrase "from the mouth of babes" etc, and that kids have no conception of social barriers, or that what they say may make me feel uncomfortable...
And I certainly don't want an us and them situation where they don't feel they can talk about their mum in front of me, or ask me things or feel they have to avoid things just because I'm there..

However, does anyone have any tips on how to deal with it?
I default to a cheery answer and then hours spent dwelling on it all and what they had before and what they now have with me in their lives...
i guess what sparked it off this weekend was just something small - a comment that probably meant nothing and was just a passing thing which has bothered me more than it should have.. "daddy do you remember when mummy was ill and you came to see us from work and kissed her forehead and then us and then went back to work"
Like.. typing this and rereading what I'm now writing, I feel really stupid for it. But ag the time, there was a twinge and a mental grimace...

I'm not even sure there is anything anyone can suggest!!

And just an fyi... my other half is great with this, its not a me vs him and the kids.. I'm included in everything (work permitting), and he is supportive and we provide a united front on discipline and rewards and are to all intents and purposes, a family unit when theyre with us..

It's hard but the kids are still young and you just need to let it wash over you. My step daughter talks about me to her mum (cause of many arguments between husband and ex wife). You will create memories that they will bring up soon. Don't let it get you down

Oh I understand this all too well. I'm 25 too and I live with my dp and his 2 children.
Please don't take those comments to heart, the children are young and tbh what they are saying is just normal to them. It's nothing personal against you.
They've only just met you, so it will take time to build a relationship and happy memories with them so they talk to daddy and say remember when sazzle and us went to the beach etc etc
I also understand about the being thrown in the deep end... So much. Sc are 11 and 12 and were 8 and 9 when I met them. As an only child I had no experience at all with children and especially not those ages, so I relied mainly on my own personal memories and feelings.
It's tough but it just takes a bit of time and perseverance.

I get it. My step daughter sometimes tells me that I need cooking lessons off her mum as she ‘and daddy prefer her mummy’s cooking’ I’m a really good cook so this hits me where it hurts. But you need to let it wash over you. It’s history, it happened, but it’s over.

It's normal for kids to say these things and they will understand how to talk about things differently. They will drop the lovey dovey stuff between their parents and it will be more about things they did.
It will hurt for a while but it does get better but they won't stop referencing a time their parents were together. My SS is 15 we've lived together for 5 years and he still mentions the odd memory with his mum.

Op I went through similar but DSS was younger. It's the memories that the kids have but don't take it to heart as it def is 'from the mouths of babes' it sounds like you are doing really well so keep it up.

It won't be long until they have memories of daddy with you and things you all do together

Im the mum in the situation you describe and what we do is just grin through it because the trade off for having a friendly and open relationship between me, my ex and his partner (and more recently my partner) is that the kids are relaxed enough to say whatever they think and feel.

It is hard sometimes - but the kids are just relaying happy memories to people that are important to them, and we always want our kids to feel like they can talk about the memories they have of us as the original family unit as well as newer memories with the new extended family

I think it gets easier with time OP. In the meantime, try not to dwell too much - and keep talking to your DP about it so he can reassure you.

I can understand how that must be tricky; my DSD used to do that about my DPs ex girlfriend completely innocently and i used to respond in a very similar way. When I thought about it though I was glad she felt comfortable enough to talk about anything in front of me and when you think about how their lives were I would remember that they are remembering the good and happy times rather than the unhappiness that I’m sure your DP remembers that led to them splitting up. Try not to convince yourself that their life was lovely and perfect before as if it was their parents wouldn’t have split up.
Until reading your post I’d forgotten that used to happen with DSD which shows that it did stop after a while.
Also it’s likely that their Mum is getting the equivocal comments when the children go home so she is probably finding it tough too.
It sounds like you’re all doing a great job with it! The feeling of being in the deep end does decrease as you get to know them more and more.

When we visited FIL I also got the "mum used to sleep in that bed" thing which stung a bit. Mind you I also used to hear "dad do you remember when mum shouted at you for..."

There’s nothing you can do, except slowly build memories of you and DP that the children will also talk about. You have to let them have and talk about these memories- as the sad thing for the kids is - there will be no more of their Mum and Dad. It’s a kind of grievance.

Try to see it as positive. Your partner was and is a good one- to his ex and now to you. Just because he and she separated thatdoesnt mean that what they had at one point was good and there’s no shame or fault in that. But he is now with you and things obviously weren’t always good with them. It’s testament to them as parents that their kids have happy memories and not of them yelling and hurting each other emotionally.
So yes, just let it flow over and be happy the children have nice memories. It’s also okay to know you are building happy ones for them too now and they will see you and their dad as a happy and positive model of relationships.
Dont worry about how to talk to the kids though as it sounds like you’re doing great. But a fab book would be “how to talk so children listen and how to listen so children Talk” (or something similar!) as it really helps you understand parent-child communication being two-way.

But you sound like you’re doing a great job and just keep on being you.

In a convoluted way, it's a compliment to you.

They feel comfortable enough to say these things around you, and aren't having to be "on guard"

Don't forget as well that the reverse will be true and their mum will get all the stories about you too

(Voice of experience - I'm the step mum, and im friendly enough with their mum so I know this happens, because shw tells me with a wry laugh about such and such a thing having been said or happened)

Thanks guys..

Just little sharp bits..

All your words have definitely eased my mind and I'm looking forward to things getting easier..
I hadn't thought the comments may go the other way to their mum as well.. though partner did inform me today that the kids do ask after me when he speaks to them on the phone..

👍🏻

Do bear in mind that the relationship the children have with their mum is different to the relationship your partner has with her, and that the memories. Child has of their parents and their relationship will naturally be different to the relationship the parents had with each other especially towards the end.

I remember once having a similar conversation with my DS when he was talking about his dad, and saying to him that even though we don’t love each other any more, we loved each other enough once to want to have him.

My DS still talks regularly about his dad even though he sees him incredibly irregularly, but he talks about when we lived in x or when we went on y holiday those are his memories and he is rightly entitled to them. And tbh they’re my memories too, because even though we’re no longer together that doesn’t change the past iyswim.

My ex’s partner would rather my name not be mentioned in their house because she feels I take their money. it has led to far more resentment towards her than I can put into words quite frankly.... but as I said, DS spends very little time there now....

However, does anyone have any tips on how to deal with it?
As you are now. Write down, tell a girlfriend, and remind yourself that it's not about you but about them. Your life with them and their dad is from the time you met him, theirs is from the time of their first memory.

Tell yourself that them reminding you that there was a time their dad was with their mum doesn't take anything away from your relationship with him. He is not going to love you less because they tell of their memories, or suddenly feel that he made a mistake and run back to her. See her as she is most importantly, their mum rather than your dearest ex. Then you'll get used to it and it will be just fine.

I think the fact that the kids can say these things in front of you is a massive WELL DONE in step parenting. Although it may be hurtful to be reminded of your DP's previous life, it is a life he had and although most of us aren't reminded of that on a regular basis it's great testament to all three of you that your attitudes have brought the children up to be comfortable in a split family situation. It also shows how much they love you and are comfortable with you.
I genuinely think you should see this as a positive.
It may be hurtful but remember, they are just kids, and your partner is with you now x