Am I the only one who feels like this?

[Tango500]

I've been in a two year relationship, we have a 4year old from his previous relationship. We all get on reasonably well, although I do find he is quite soft with his daughter, and I tend to be the more strict one. I desperately want my own children ( I am in my thirties) but I sometimes wonder if another child is going to ever match what he has now. He is a devoted dad, and he has mentioned he wants more children, but I wonder will there be the same amount of love and devotion to any more? She is his world, and, I hate to say it..but sometimes I am almost envious. I do feel sometimes like I do live in a shadow of his past. We live in his house where he was previously married. I almost feel like we have nothing for ourselves. He's not overly bothered about getting married again after the first failed one, and has not mentioned about having any more children any time soon. It can be frustrating and I do feel like I'm becoming impatient. Is there anyone else in a similar situation? anyone who can relate to this. I hope so, I really feel like I could do with some support x

Hi I can relate to your situation in many ways as my partner has 3 children from a previous relationship. They are lovely children but as is common, my partner is very soft with them and will not impose even the most basic rules when they are with us.

We now have a 4 month old baby and unfortunately I do feel that she will always be lower down his list of priorities than his other children. Your partner may be different if you had a child together and it is something you should discuss before you decide whether to try for a baby. It might be good to open up a conversation about your feelings in general.

I can’t comment on the housing situation as my partner moved into my house but would your partner consider moving to a new house so that it is a fresh start for you both?

Not in your situation...but could you discuss starting a family with him?

If he doesn't want more children, you need to know sooner rather than later, so you can make an informed decision.

My DH loves his DD very much and has been a very engaged and loving dad to her. He is like that with our DS too...Haven't felt he is less important at all..His DD is 18this year though..It would probably be tougher if she was very young..

You need to talk to your DP very honestly. If you want marriage and kids tell him! Don't waste time if he doesn't want the same as you. I had that conversation with my DH very early on...I had to know if he was prepared to consider more children and if he wasn't I would have walked away. Re house- again tell him you want something that belongs to both of you..not just him..If he cares about you he will understand your needs and think what can be done.

I am in a similar situation myself and in my case, I had a baby with my fiancé and it did not change things. He has 2 children from a previous long-term relationship. Ages 3 and 5. And we have a 9 month old baby. I saw my fiancé being a great dad and I thought it would be the same love for my baby, however I sometimes feel it is different or not as much. All he ever bangs on about is his other 2. We have the children every other weekend. My fiancé put me through hell when I was pregnant. He tried to force me to have his children in the house when the my had chicken pox, (I had never had them) and I was 32 weeks pregnant. His ex made a remark that I should ‘remove myself from the situation if I didn’t like it). I feel like he is so scared to upset her that he pushed me to do it. (Didn’t end up happened in the end but it was a big struggle). We also had the children still when I was 2 weeks over due and we had no body to have them in case I went into labour. And I was just told by my fiancé ‘not to worry’ and we would ‘sort it out if it came to it’. I’m sorry but not having something set in stone of where the kids could go if I suddenly went into labour was a real worry of mine and I believe it stopped me from going into labour I was that worried. Then, 3 days after I had an emergency -section, couldn’t walk and had just brought my first new born baby home - it’s our turn to have the kids again. I kept breaking down into tears because it was too much and the kids are so demanding. The house was upside down and I wanted everything neat and tidy because I’m a clean freak and I was very hormonal. Anyways, to summarise I don’t know if I can take it anymore him always putting his other 2 children first, and my and my son last. Even when I really needed him he couldn’t put me first. I feel so depressed and unsure of what to do. I love him and he’s a good man and I’m so scared to be alone, especially with a baby - I’ve become so clingy since having him. But I’m desperately unhappy. I hate it when the kids come because it’s just so much hard work and I can’t give my son as much attention as he needs. I honestly am in 2 minds of what to do. Whether to leave him and not have to put up with this crap any more... or to stay and put up with the crap. I’m so confused. Can any one offer me any advise please, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Sorry new on here. I should have started my
Own thread as I am looking for advise. Apologies!!

I think about this a lot too. My dp has full custody of his children and I would be conscious of how a child of my own could possibly fit into the dynamics.
I know dp children would have a bigger part of his attention and rightly so as dss is severely disabled and the children's mum is not really present in their lives.
I don't know whether my desire for a child is appropriate for the family.
I think in your circumstance I would speak to your DP about the future and see how he feels. I would think long and hard about what you would like for your life and whether being married and having a child is important and if not having those opportunities is a deal breaker. Please don't put your wishes beneath his or his children. Your wishes are just as important. Tell him and see what he really feels and then go from there?

I was worried about that before having my DD and it’s fair to say that DP does feel guilty at times that he lives with our DD and not DSD but I’ve never felt that he loves DD any less or feels any differently.
One thing he did struggle with was his fears that the same thing could happen with us splitting up and him not living with another of his children as it really upsets him that he doesn’t live with DSD.
Have you put your mark on the house you live in as in with furniture and decorations. We lived in DPs flat for a while and when I moved in we redecorated and got a new bed and sofa which we both recognised was important so it felt like our place.

Thanks guys. Some good points made and things to consider. I'm glad I'm not the only one! We are hoping to move one day so I guess when that happens that'll be a good start to putting my stamp on things. I know he wants more kids one day, but obviously as someone else has mentioned.. he's just worried he'll end up in the same situation again. Maybe I'm not giving him the most secure of vibes with my own insecurities, so maybe I need to focus on that too and build up some reassurance

It doesn't get any better. I am in a similar situation, although I actually went ahead and had a baby with him. His daughter is so obviously the preferred kid for him. Find another man without kids would be my recommendation. It won't get easier as she grows up.

I wouldn’t have stayed with my DP if he hadn’t wanted another child with me, as I would have just been living as an add on to his current children.

Don’t get strung along. He will love your child together as much as your own. Just be sure you are prepared to compromise, because it will never be the same as starting a family with someone without children. There will always be pulls and possible jealousies, resentments. These will be much easier if you can genuinely see a bond developing with you and his daughter.

His own current child sorry...

Wow this thread really surprised me at how many mums feel their partner favours their other children.
My husband doesnt I actually think hes closer to our children we have together but I think thats to do with the mother moving away with his child and reducing contact. They were extremely close before that.

In my case I don’t think it’s that my partner actively favours his older children, I think it’s just that he feels the need to try to make things up to them for not seeing them as often as he and they would like. There is also an element of ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ I suspect.

I get what your saying that he’s trying to make it up for not seeing them as often. But in my case he only sees my child 4 more days a month, if that. As my mother likes to baby sit on the weekends we don’t have his older children. This is because he doesn’t get home from
Work until after I put my son to bed. So he never sees my son during the week. And the weekends where it is just us, we sometimes have a babysitter. It really gets to me that he seems to make a huge fuss of them when they come round. But time spent with my child is just like ‘whatever’.

Op
I think your dp sounds very sensible.
Too often people rush onto new relationships, children and marriage.
I know it's hard for you and not much help but divorce is high and far too many children are left upset and broken, and yes I know divorce is better than staying in a bad relationship. However , waiting is better.
I think most parents treat their children equally but the other parent might have different views so there are 3 adults involved and not 2.
With regards to the house I do agree with you.