Moving in together expectations - am I being unreasonable?

[BlueFlowerPot]

I am in about to rent a big flat together with my partner, he has 2 kids, I have one. My partner in his current flat is generally tidy, but his kids still have some bits&bobs in the lounge, and what bothers me his younger son brings the duvet&pillow into the lounge on the sofa every morning and watches TV. The fact that he brings it does not bother me but sometimes it's left there till late lunchtime or till eventually his father does not tell him to move it or the father moves it himself.
Today I made a comment that I don't mind if the kids rooms won't be supertidy, but I care about keeping the lounge generally tidy so if the kids are finished in the lounge, they should take their stuff into their rooms.

My partner obviously didn't like that. He said we should be easygoing and that his kids were used to do their thing for many years and that we won't get on if I create stress for nothing, and that the stuff gets eventually tidied up anyway. I'm just really disappointed, fair enough everyone has different levels of tidiness, but I hoped he will get some understanding and compromises. He just wouldn't have it from me.

Do you have some similar experience?

Is this the first clue that you have different views on tidiness? How long have you been together?

I am personally a lot more like your partner and I would think you were being a bit OTT (not wrong, just different to me). My ex-H practically dusted the children and got in a mood if things weren’t done his way housekeeping wise. As you can see, he is an ex.

My current DP is much more similar to me. We don’t live together yet, but he spends time here and neither of us would dream of telling the other’s children to tidy up.

I think a further discussion about expectations would be wise. It sounds like there could well be major issues if this non issue is causing such upset.

I think you need to relax a bit, it's not like they're tipping toys everywhere, a duvet in the lounge really isn't an issue especially if he takes it back when asked. Just mention it when he's finished with it and there's no issue or get a blanket with a home in the living room for him to use instead.

Really? You’re causing a row over a duvet?

There’s a balance between trying to banish everything of theirs out of the lounge all the time and keeping it generally tidy- I would try and overlook the smaller things and just deal with the duvet issue by saying cheerfully and briskly ‘lets have a quick tidy, grab your duvet will you?’ And handing it to him to put back in his room. Thinks like books, Lego etc I think small amounts would be ok, it is their home and therefore their living room too.

*things

I'm with you on this but then so would my partner be. We live together and have 3 children between us. We both share the same view on being tidy and having things put away. We encourage the kids to help tidy etc once they've had enough of what ever they've been playing with. So we would be happy to have duvets etc down stairs but would expect them to take them back upstairs once they were done. When you are in a parent / step parent rules it's important you are both on the same page.

Have you tried saying, "Hey, Name, do you mind taking your quilt back to your room?" every time?

I think you need to hang on a bit and decide if you can deal with the different standards of tidiness.

It would irritate me if the duvet is left in the living room. Does he do this everyday? Is he not in school yet?

Also look at other areas you may not be on the same page....as it will prevent problems down the line.

We have throws/blankets in the living room. Bedding stays in the bedroom. If all five of you had bedding in the living room there’d be cups knocked over, things swept to the floor and the room would look like a squat! My living room throws are colour coordinated to the living room, are cosy and warm, and are folded up neatly over the arm of a chair when not in use. They get a lot of use! The beds aren’t always made... and bedding is untidy. I don’t mind that so much - that’s their space and my lot are older anyway and I don’t have to stress about it.

You can set new rules for the new bigger flat. Both parents have to be on the same page. Perhaps you can persuade your partner to agree new rules. Everything changes anyway. There is constant change. You might find your partner is inflexible and defensive of old arrangements. Can you concede and allow duvets after all?

You have to navigate these little things so that you can become decent parents.

This is only the beginning. Learning to compromise can take time and a lot of give and take. I hope it goes well.

I say to our offspring “We all benefit from having such a lovely place to live. We all have to help contribute to keeping it nice”.

^Hope this works for you.

We have a duvet specifically for the living room.

You are not being unreasonable. However it’s a crap position, being the stricter one, the tidier one, the more sensible one or whatever. You are on a losing streak because you are having to ask others to change in order to meet in the middle.

They should be willing to compromise. And it’s a bad sign that they aren’t. It’s really stressful to be in your position. Is this how you want to live?

I’d be the same as you tbh I would be like right it’s 12 o clock it’s going up the stairs bring it up

There has to be give and take when you blend families and it can be tricky and sometimes you have to let things go that you wouldn't in your own home by yourself.
I am much tidier than my dw and sd but since we have moved in together we are all trying to adjust to slightly different circumstances and are taking the slowly slowly approach so no one feels that they are having to change their ways more than others. It is hard but its early days and in the end its all of our home and everyone needs to feel comfortable in it.

out of interest, how old is his ds?

How old is the child?

Horses for courses and all that, but IMO duvets are for beds and that’s where they stay. Have a couple of throws for the lounge if necessary.

Anyway, that’s not really the issue, the issue is this...

He said we should be easygoing and that his kids were used to do their thing for many years and that we won't get on if I create stress for nothing

WTAF?

So you are going to be expected to let him dictate how things are going to be and anything you say is ‘nothing’. His kids rule, you obey. Fuck that.

OTOH if he was posting here and he said, ‘she said ‘I don’t mind if the kids rooms aren’t ‘super tidy’ and I thought, ‘That’s a good job love because no one was asking you’. I’d be supporting him.

I’m not seeing this working out well. You both think you make the rules and everyone else needs to obey them. Where’s the conversation? The Compromising?

My partner has brought something similar up to me. But we won't be renting together he will be moving into our house. Which did hurt my feelings as I took it as he was saying the house was messy. It isn't though I just have things out. Like sometimes I don't put the laptop away. He hates that but I think I will be back on it in the morning haha.
So in a way is much harder to start with different rules. However, I have got more on top of the kids. (Younger ones love helping, but teenager struggles)
I like a tidy livingroom but I'm not overally annoyed unless iv asked afew times for the cover or toys to be moved etc.

We do have a throw that I would prefer them to use however this normally ends up in my teenagers room. She's mostly the messy one.

Maybe they children could have their own blankets which stay in their rooms and brought onto the livingroom when needed. It's comfort thing for some children but yes rules need to be set especially if all are moving into a new house together