Why do I suddenly hate my amazing stepchild

[ihatethisfeeling]

I hate this. I hate this feeling. I can't help it. I don't know what to do.

I have been the main parent in my 7YO ss life for a few years now. I have taken my role in his life seriously from the moment I met him due to trauma that had already happened in his life. His mum had drug issues and is dead because of those issues. I have really embraced him as my own and he has done the same with me. I am raising him (with his dad).

I've recently found out I'm expecting. We are all so excited, SS especially as he has always wanted a sibling and he is so great with babies. I know he will thrive as a big brother.

But over the last couple of days I have developed this unmanageable hatred for him and it's killing me. I have little patience when it comes to ignorance and things going in one ear and out the other. Might I add he is such a well behaviour little boy generally. But every little tiny thing he does pushes me over the edge and I can't control it. Everything. I've tried sitting him down and telling him I need some help now I have a baby in my tummy as a way of asking him to listen and clean up his toys and do what he is told. But he's a fucking child. He is fucking allowed to leave his toys out because he's fucking 7. His priorities are what coloured star he is going to have on his star chart today and although I know this I can't accept it. My feelings are totally unreasonable and I'm dying inside knowing I just can't help it. I've been trying. I can't even look at him without getting unfathomably angry inside and he doesn't deserve it. I just can't explain it. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones but I can't let it continue. I feel like my best option is to leave for a bit but I know how damaging that will be too. All I want is to take him out in the snow and make him hot chocolate but at the same time I want to smash up all his toys and lock him in his room.

I just don't know what to do.

Is your partner aware of how you feel?

OP this isn't hatred, this is you being tired, pregnant and dealing with a 7 year old boy!

My 7 year old is my son and when I was pregnant he drove me mad!

You want them to be able to empathise with you but they can't yet and they just continue prioritising themselves.

Can't your DP take some of the responsibilities for you? You are growing a person and that is bloody hard work!

Op that sounds unimaginably difference cult but do you know, you are aware of it and questioning yourself AND (I assume) not following through with breaking all his toys etc.
I can’t say what’s going on, is it possible hormones? Exhaustion? Other stress? Are u worried about having enough love for both kids?
What would help you? What do you want?

Difficult not difference cult!

Please please go to your GP... There is something called pre natal depression and pre natal psychosis, similar to post natal depression and post natal psychosis.
Don't worry about thinking your wasting their time etc... Tell them everything you said here...

I am a GP and rarely tell people on mn to go to their doctor but in this case please do

I'd speak to your midwife, this can be a part of pregnancy for parents as well as step parents. It might stop just as quickly as it started, but just in case it doesn't your midwife can be a real help.

What helped me when I felt like this towards my eldest son after I had my baby was to stick 'post it' notes around the house reminding me how much I love my son. That he deserves love, hugs and kisses. Etc. I also wrote down positive affirmations like 'may I be I be filled with loving kindness". It has worked for me thus far.

Speaking from a psychological perspective this is normal and is an natural instinct which evolved from trying to protect our own bloodline. Animals often push the offspring of rivals out of the pack in order to preserve their own. This is an incredibly common feeling (although taboo) amongst stepparents and I think it is often the root cause of the breakdowns within blended/stepfamilies.
These feelings often appear from nowhere when you become a biological parent, because the inate love you have for your own is beyond anything else. Your pregnancy has brought this to the surface.
However there is hope! We are not animals, we are capable of greater depth of empathy and we can overcome or rather manage these feelings until they pass. Firstly you’ve recognised that your feelings aren’t right and that he isn’t to blame for them - so you can work from here. You need to have a frank discussion with your DH no matter how uncomfortable it may be and discuss this openly and encourage him to do the majority of the childcare until you manage to rationalise and keep these feelings at bay. You need to focus on enjoying your SS... make time for just you and him, do some nice activities together and just focus on trying to enjoy him again.
You sound incredibly caring to be able to pick up the reins his mother dropped so don’t be too harsh on yourself.
Pregnancy hormones can make you irritable anyway let alone in the complicated situation you’re in. I remember fantasising about stabbing my ExH in the neck when he was snoring because I was exhausted and it was his fault I was pregnant in the first place 😂
But obviously I didn’t act on these feelings, you calm yourself down and rationalise them.
You need to talk to your DH and friends in RL too. Vent to them for a bit and you’ll feel so much better xx

They are quite common feelings for a pregnant woman. I wanted to chuck out my step son when I was pregnant and his an amazing kid it's just the hormones amplifying everything.
Have a chat with your partner so he can take on most of the dealing with his son so you can adjust. And talk to our midwife to get some help managing these feelings. It will pass and get easier you've already done the first step of noticing it isn't right.

@ihatethisfeeling as pp have said the fact you are aware you are feeling like this it is a positive, although it may not feel like that. Please contact your midwife.

I felt similar but only after my DS was born. SD was a teenager though and very lazy and entitled which didn't help. I was feeling very strong urges to take my son off her every time she held him. I didn't want her anywhere near him and very unreasonably felt she was a threat.

Happy to report it went away after few months..couple of years later I love seeing them together and her showing him interest and love makes me feel softer towards her..

Maybe it will pass OP..but in the meantime your OH should step up..

Heed the advice about going to the GP. I felt exactly like this in pregnancy about my own older child. It is probably nothing to do with him being a step child. Take care of yourself.

Wanting to smash his toys and lock him in his room is not normal OP, you need to get some assistance with how you are feeling. Yes, speak to your midwife or go to your GP

I wanted to throttle my dh when I was pregnant. I could objectively see my anger was way over the top but it didn't stop it. I wouldn't worry too much unless youre actually taking it out on him.

Finding your ss irritating is partly the pregnancy hormones. My elder dc drove me batshit when I was pregnant even though they were being the same amazing child I love with all my heart. It was hormones/tiredness/nesting instinct and wanting everything perfect and not mounds of plastic toys all over the floor.

However wanting to smash things and lock him in his room is quite extreme and could be a sign of pre natal depression, it could equally be a strong hormone surge that will lessen as quickly as it came on.

The fact you've noticed these feelings is good and I'd speak to your midwife/gp and tell your oh that you're struggling at the moment. The most important thing is to not treat your ss different to usual and to speak to someone who is better able to assess whether you need some extra help. Be honest, no one will judge but they can't help of you aren't honest about how you're feeling.