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Step-parenting

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Original poster

OH child.

13 replies

Lekmvmc · 26/02/2018 10:10

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months now.
I’ve got a little girl who is 4 who he has met and spends time with.
However his 10 year old son still doesn’t even know I exist.. I’ve confronted him about it and he says they’ll be a time when he will know etc but I just find it really bizarre that someone who claims to want this relationship to work isn’t willing to take the next step.
I’m not asking to meet him if he doesn’t want me to. But just an aknowlegement would be nice.
Any ideas? Confused

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldandback · 26/02/2018 10:39

For me after 10 months the issue wouldn’t be that I hadn’t met his son, it would be more why my boyfriend isn’t openly discussing the reasons and explaining his fears in relation to it. He isn’t taking the next step because he isn’t ready to take the next step. I don’t think piling the pressure on without knowing the reasons will help.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 26/02/2018 10:40

Does his ex still pull his strings?!

Original poster
Lekmvmc · 26/02/2018 10:50

His ex is very difficult yes.
I think my problem is he says he wants it. He’s given me a house key. He has one for mine. He always wants to go out me him and my daughter but when it comes to his son I don’t see him while he has him. If I don’t have my daughter on a weekend I have to see him after 11pm when his son is in bed so he doesn’t know.
I’m finding it all really hard and don’t how he can expect to be in my daughters life but refuses to acknowledge the fact that if it’s going to work his son should know too?

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Candlelights · 26/02/2018 10:51

I'd be concerned too. Would it be possible to meet up on a very casual basis - as a friend at the park or something? At 10 he may not attach much significance to the distinction between a friend and a girlfriend.

On the one hand I can understand his caution about introducing you to his DS until he feels it's potentially serious. But I don't think it's possible for either of you really to know whether it'll work until you meet the son and see him as a parent.

Have you met other friends or family of his? If not, that would definitely sound alarm bells for me

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 26/02/2018 10:53

Stop thinking it's about his ds. It isn't. It's about his ex and the likely hood she will make it difficult for him to maintain his current relationship with his ds. Carry on with things as they are, the more solid he feels your relationship is, no disrespect, without you nagging, he will feel bold enough to tell ex the state of play. Just enjoy things with your dd and him for now is my advice.

Original poster
Lekmvmc · 26/02/2018 10:53

I agree. I’ve met some of his friends but no family. He’s Polish so he hasn’t got any immediate family here. His mum doesn’t know about me I don’t think.
He doesn’t see it as a problem and doesn’t understand where I’m coming from with it all. Just thinks I’m nagging Hmm x

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Original poster
Lekmvmc · 26/02/2018 10:54

Thank you x

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Candlelights · 26/02/2018 11:16

Maybe approach it from the angle of wanting to understand better why he finds it hard then? Is it a fear of his ex reacting badly and stopping contact? Or just that being a dad and a boyfriend are two very different roles and it's scary to try to put them together? Or concern that his DS won't know how to react to you?

swingofthings · 26/02/2018 17:04

There's likely unfinished business. The trying to reverse the situation to make it that it's you being unreasonable is typical behaviour of those who have something to hide. I would be very cautious about taking things forward commitment wise.

TooSassy · 26/02/2018 17:24

Did you not discuss how this would work before introducing your daughter? How often does he see your DD and how attached is she getting?

I think he's being deliberately obtuse when he says he doesn't understand where you're coming from. He will know and is just trying to avoid a grown up conversation (which you are owed from the off as soon as children are involved in relationships).

If your DD is getting attached and he is not prepared to sit down and engage in a conversation as to why he doesn't want to introduce to his son, then I would absolutely start to gradually withdraw/ minimise the time he gets with your DD. My concern in all of these sorts of situations are the children. You're owed an explanation.

ElChan03 · 26/02/2018 17:40

Have you posted about this problem before?

SandyY2K · 26/02/2018 18:01

This post sounds like dejavu.

I suggest you stop interactions between him and your DD..until you meet his son.

Original poster
Lekmvmc · 26/02/2018 18:49

As mentioned above he is polish and when we first met his son was living in Poland with his mum. However they moved back about 2 months after we started seeing each other.
He doesn’t spend much time with her to be honest by the time I see him it’s after work so most of the time she’s in bed before he comes round but she’s seen him enough times to know that we are together.
He defiantly try’s to avoid the conversation and says I’m mad for even mentioning it.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable wanting an explanation as to why his son doesn’t know anything about me. He has him over night every other week for a week and the week he doesn’t have him over night he picks him up from school and has him for dinner so say around 6pm??
I’m defiantly a lot more cautious over the past few days but again he has his son so I haven’t seen him to speak in person only on the phone.

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