Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Mother’s Day, step daughter and biological daughter

19 replies

timelord92 · 26/02/2018 08:08

What does everyone do on Mother’s Day with regards to step children and your own children? I don’t mean to you expect cards or gifts but if you like to go out for the day do you take your step child along too or do you drop your step child off at their mums for mother’s day?

I’ve never really thought of it before as I’ve never expected anything of her as I’m not her mother and I’ve never done anything on mother’s day because I never had any children of my own.

But this year is my first year as a mother myself and I like the idea of going out for the day and celebrating it with my own mother and my daughter. However, my step daughter (she’s 14) currently stays with us every weekend to be with the baby and I’d feel bad dropping her back at her mums while we go out for the day. I know for a fact her mum won’t do anything with her. She will just give her mum a card and a present and that will be it.

The problem is that there has been a lot of negativity when it has come to my step daughter, my boyfriend and me as her mother has caused trouble and not wanted me to be around. That has changed now that we have a baby but the effects of that is that now me and my step daughter are awkward around each other. We are only just getting to know each other properly.

I’m not too sure whether to bring my step daughter along with us then take her to her mums or take her to her mums straight off so she can spend the day with her mum.

It gets very confusing being a step parent and having your own children.

What are everyone’s thoughts?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SayNoToCarrots · 26/02/2018 08:10

Ask your stepdaughter if she'd like to come , but make it clear there is no obligation on her part.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 26/02/2018 08:12

Hi. Would you like to come out with us or spend it with your mum?

lunar1 · 26/02/2018 08:35

If she's 14 I'd just ask her.

acornsandnuts · 26/02/2018 08:38

Yep just ask her. Honestly at 14 I would ask my own daughter what she wanted to do.

GlitterBurps · 26/02/2018 08:41

Just ask if she has any plans for the day with her Mum and tell her she is very welcome to come out with you. Also ask if she’s got her mum a gift and maybe (you or her dad) give her a few quid to get a card or box of chocs.

Handsfull13 · 26/02/2018 09:08

I have a SS14. We've been living together for 5 years now and last year had twins of our own.
When his weekends with us fall on a Mother's Day we always ask his mum if she would like him back earlier to spend Mother's Day with her. I'm not sure if my OH asks SS first. I never get anything from him and I don't expect it.
This year I have the added pressure of wanting to do something but also dealing with the first Mother's Day since we lost my Mil. The plan currently is a trip to the zoo and I think we will offer SS to either come with us or go back to his mums. Either way I reckon he will atleast go back to have dinner with her.

Candlelights · 26/02/2018 09:18

We don't alter our usual routines for mother's day. So DSC are always with us (as they come every weekend) and my own DC are sometimes with us (as they alternate weekends with their dad). We don't see either of our own mothers due to distance. Sometimes we'll go out for a mother's day lunch with whichever kids are here. DSC don't make me a card, and sometimes get something for the their own mum which they give to her in the evening when they get home.

Would going out with your mum and just your own DC in the evening be a possibility, after you've dropped DSD back at the usual time?

Otherwise, I don't think I'd suggest she spends the day with her mum if you know her mum doesn't want to do anything with her whilst you go out somewhere special without her. I think that might be a bit hurtful for her, so I'd probably just include her if the evening doesn't work for you.

MrsElvis · 26/02/2018 09:18

It would be nice if she spent time with Mum on Mother's Day but she still would have half the day with Mum after you drop her back.

I came on the scene when my DSD was 14 and she would have definitely wanted to be included. I'd tell her you'd like her there but totally understand if she wants whole day with Mum

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 09:22

Ask her.
Would you like to spend the day with us as normal, go home earlier or go home first thing.
If you want to go early we can all go out for breakfast or an early lunch or if you're staying til normal time we'll go out later on.

The relationship will continue to be strained so long as you consider this outsider top be passed around to suit you when you want to be with your proper family

user1493413286 · 26/02/2018 10:59

As others say ask her.
My DSD will spend mother’s day with her Mum and I’ll spend it with dd and DP but that’s because it’s special for DSDs Mum and DSD

glitterbiscuits · 26/02/2018 11:08

She would probably love to be invited.

Try to nurture a friendship with her.

theredjellybean · 26/02/2018 11:09

Ask her... I think you need to make her feel welcome and absolutely part of 'your' mother's day.
Otherwise it could seem you are a family with dp and baby and she is just an part player.
I think you could say some thing about how you are quite excited about mother's day this year as you now have her and baby and while you know your not her mother you really hope she feels that your all family and you'd love it if she could spend part of the day with you.
And then offer to take her back a bit earlier as 'I am sure your mum will be wanting some time with you too'

Just my thoughts but I always tried my hardest to make my dsds feel that I liked them, saw us as all one family and I was more than just the woman with their dad.

theredjellybean · 26/02/2018 11:11

And by trying my hardest to make dsds feel welcome, liked, that our house was just as much their home... Well it quickly wasn't an effort and I genuinely love my dsds

meme70 · 09/03/2018 16:27

I have 4 daughters and a step daughter and I think your stepdaughter should be with her Mum on mother’s day
This is a special mother’s day for you and your mum and so you should spend it with who you want to.

Being a step parent is a tough job we are expected to do everything for a child tagtabnkt ours and some of us have been treated terribly ! If people treat you twrbbike you usually don’t have anything to do with them but step parents are expected to take everything in the chin and still be a parent towards some step children that really wish they’re strep parents would disappear.

She’s 14 so isn’t a little girl and she would of made plans to be with her Mum , my 13 year old should be with her dad Sunday but made her own decisions to be with me.

Life’s very short to be made to feel bad for doing nothing wrong.

Magda72 · 09/03/2018 18:16

I find it very odd that her mum wouldn't want her with her on Mother's Day!?!
That being said dp offered to drop his three back to their mum (all teens) early on Sunday so they could spend the day with her & they said no! He thinks they're being very rude but doesn't know if he should 'interfere'.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/03/2018 18:52

I’d drop her back with her Mum and not be diplomatic about the fun day you’ve planned.

If her Mum doesn’t want her back then fine (though sad).

Original poster

timelord92 · 09/03/2018 19:59

Thanks everyone for your replies!

In the end we were worried about nothing. We asked her what she wanted to do and she said she would spend the weekend with her mum. WE also went out with her last weekend and got her something for her Mum.

So after all that she did decide for herself to be with her mum.

OP posts:

gttia · 09/03/2018 20:21

We are celebrating mothers day tomorrow as a family, all children included. Then on Sunday I will spend time with my daughters and dh will take his out for time alone before dropping her at mum's late afternoon for them to have a tea together (we normally do tea) some years my daughters have been with their dad and step mum and I've enjoyed a lie in, dinner out and a museum they'd hate,I loved that day!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/03/2018 21:41

I meant... be diplomatic...

Glad things worked out ok.

Flip