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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

wits end!!

13 replies

user1498424431 · 25/02/2018 16:21

so i just cant cope with my sd at the moment and it kills me that i am feeling so much resentment for her because i love her to bits and i know she loves me to, iv been her step mum since she was 3 and we have always had a great bond, shes now 10 this week. she has just been collected by her mum after she said she wanted to go back early (because she has been told off ) and now shes gone im really upset that although she gave me a kiss and cuddle and said i love you i feel that she left on bad terms.
I am anxious that although i have told her mum whats happened she will turn it around and as usual me and her dad will look like the idiots.
We threw her a mini birthday party on thursday with her friends and she seemed to have lost all manners, i did speak to her about respect but it apparently has gone in one ear and out the other, she had lovely presents and a weekend with our families, today we decided the three of us would go out for the day... by the first hour she had had two strops so we decided to come home where she continued to speak to us like dirt. I raised my voice a few times when she spoke to me rudely and her dad had also told her off when we were out, and explained why she was being rude but she didnt even seem to care. I text her mum saying she wanted to go back early and the next thing i new her mum was outside so i feel that shes got her own way again. My husband is so annoyed with her he has said to think about if she wants to come back next weekend because she isnt acting as if she wants to be here and we would never force her, as it happens shes already text to say she does want to come back so i dont think its that she doesnt want to be here, she lived with us until she was about 6/7 so its always been her home, she has her own room which is full of her stuff, she has everything she needs and wants here including friends, a dog and PLENTY of love and attention.
we have a new baby on the way and we have addressed the jealousy issues and iv done everything to try and include her.
Is it just simply because shes a teenager do you think?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 25/02/2018 16:24

I suspect its age and new baby on the way is causing it.

How often is she with you and her mum?

I suspect she feels she is not wanted with the new baby and is pushing to see what happens.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 25/02/2018 16:25

At 10 she isn't a teenager and I wouldn't be letting her decide when contact get to be cut short. Tellings off are part of childhood and she needs to accept that there are consequences for bad attitude.

OfficerVanHalen · 25/02/2018 16:26

10 isn’t a teenager

Dancingmonkey87 · 25/02/2018 16:30

No she’s not teenager but I have a 9 year old who acts like a teenager and can act like the way you described. He’s been excately the same for his df but he does get over it. I think sometimes they go phrases but your not doing anything wrong.

NorthernSpirit · 25/02/2018 17:08

She shouldn’t be deciding when to cut contact short. She’s 10 years old, that’s an adult decision. By giving her the option, if she gets told off she can decide to leave (and not face the consequences). You aren’t doing her any favours.

lunar1 · 25/02/2018 17:21

She isn't a teenager for another three years. Why on earth is your husband making her question her place in your home? That's not normal. And doing it when you are pregnant is disgusting.

DullAndOld · 25/02/2018 17:24

" My husband is so annoyed with her he has said to think about if she wants to come back next weekend because she isnt acting as if she wants to be here and we would never force her, "

that's not kind is it? when you are pregnant?

and she is not a 'teenager' she has just turned 10.

ArnoldBee · 25/02/2018 17:27

Why are you texting her mum for her to go home? My step daughter says this when she has been told off and we have to take a tough stance with this. We have been through a tough year with her and have assumed it's hormones.

TwitterQueen1 · 25/02/2018 17:37

She's only just 10 if you gave her a birthday party. She's learning about assertiveness, about growing older, being a fully separate individual... all very normal. This part and parcel of everyday life and you should be able to deal with this without stressing about it.

I don't think (IMHO) that you should have rung her mum, and her dad certainly shouldn't have said what he did. That was an open invitation for her to say she's not coming when she probably wants to very much.

I'm all for giving children options, but not these ones - "yes you can go home now" can equal "we can't be bothered with you any more" and "think about next weekend" can equal "Don't bother coming..." I would perhaps have made her go to her room for an hour or some other punishment instead.

She will, as others have said,also be feeling insecure about the baby.

Handsfull13 · 25/02/2018 17:49

It's normal for kids to act out when a new baby is on the way but you seem to be addressing it well.
I wouldn't let her go home early she needs to learn she can't just leave when she isn't getting her own way it's a bad habit that will bite you later.
It's probably just a phase and you just need to see it through.

Myallotmentisweedy · 28/02/2018 18:29

I grew up in a split family. I know it isn't the main point of your post, but I found one of the most traumatic parts of it was being put in a position of deciding which parent to be with.
I echo what others have said - I don't think she should be choosing who to be with and when, certainly not on the back of heightened emotions. It is not fair on her or anyone else. I can see how much it has upset you.

negomi90 · 02/03/2018 15:41

"My husband is so annoyed with her he has said to think about if she wants to come back next weekend because she isnt acting as if she wants to be here"
While your husband is trying to be productive and use this as a behaviour management tool, what his 10 year old is heariing is that she can only see him and if she's good and acts like she's grateful to see him. She's hearing his love is conditional. Her response is likely to be (may not immediately but at some point) to push him harder, and continue acting like she doesn't want to be there because he's told her that at some point he'll reject her and his love for her is conditional. (He may not have meant it, but that's what she heard.

She's 10, they strop and become hormonal. Talk about it, give her a time out and then whether it out. That's what happens in houses where they can't go to another parent and run away from the issues. That's what should be happening in yours. (Its not fun for anyone, but its normal - see the preteen and teenage threads).
She doesn't get to decide where she's going (or be made to feel that she has to choose). The only exception to this is if she's hurt/sick something very big and traumatic has happened, in which case both her parents should be involved anyway.
When she comes back, her dad needs to take out for a cake/meal and tell her that while she was naughty she'll always be welcome at yours, no matter how naughty, and when she's naughty she doesn't get to go back to mum's early. And then be prepared for her to test this, and set limits and ride the storm.

user1493413286 · 02/03/2018 22:16

That sounds quite similar to my DSD with the attitude coming out of nowhere then being lovely again. I wouldn’t be letting her just go back to her mums when she’s behaved badly with you as she then basically gets out of any punishment.

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