Do you have to be a step-“parent”?

[Winosaurus]

Having a discussion with my friend about this...
If you date/marry someone with DCs do you have to be a step-parent?
Can’t you just be with their parent and be around them, be kind to them etc but not actively take part in any parenting?
I take this view of my DP’s kids, I also have 2DCs but none together. I don’t want to parent his kids and I don’t particularly want him parents h mine... in fact I have no interest in it whatsoever.
I cook for them, or help them if they need me and spend time socialising with them but I have zero desire to discipline them or get involved beyond that tbh. And I know my DP feels the same about my DCs. We all get along and we’re nice to each other but when he has his kids I just leave them to it.
I love their dad and they’re nice kids but I don’t want to be their parent, they have 2 parents already. And I think the same about my 2... they don’t need or want him to behave like their dad.
How do other people live in this situation? Are we really odd? It seems to work for us all and the kids are happy

Yes @SandyY2K that was me. 8yo has come to play today with denim hot pants and mascara on... I kid you not it’s 2degrees outside! We’re going to the park so I’ve had to put her in a pair of my DD’s joggers

I think ‘it depends’ - but eventually yes you do take on a parental role to a greater or lesser extent

• first year or so - not living together - then I’d say not really parental.
• when you marry or live with partner - then you are bound to do things like cook, clean, household bills for dependents. This is unavoidable - and parental.
• if it’s EOW or you are very out and about - long working hours - then the hours in the home with step kids are minimal. So a minimal parental role. However you don’t want to come back to a trashed house by teenagers so inevitably you will be part of settling rules and standards.
• if you are the main stay at home parent and also have kids - then you can’t get away from it - unless you want some weird unworkable dual system of rules for one set of kids and not the other, then household parenting as I call it is your main domain to all children. I’ve been in this position. I tell you it doesn’t work at all being at home putting the baby to sleep for it’s daytime nap and have your step kids put on loud Xbox leaving their food out everywhere while your DP is out working! You unfortunately do need to take on more of the discipline and setting rules role than any SM ideally wants.

In that situation it’s that or become a repressed slave...

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I think the difference is we will never have children together so there will be no confusion over who is parenting who or unfair treatment between siblings. Also I don’t have DP’s kids if he’s working or doing something socially, I never have them without him there for more than an hour and even that is only in emergencies. They come to spend time with their DF not me, so if he’s not here then they don’t come and it’s down to their parents to arrange childcare between themselves. I suppose it’s different in your situation as you’re the mother of their sibling and they need to spend time with the baby.

You said dual parenting systems don’t work... but how would resolve an issue like the make-up I previously mentioned? I’m not willing to allow my 8yo to wear it as I think she’s far too young. However my DP has no issue with us as he sees it as a fun, harmless hobby. I couldn’t possibly enforce a rule in our house that neither of their parents have a problem with just to make it equal... but I am also nor t going to allow my DD to wear it until she’s in the latter years of secondary school. So sometimes saying “well I’m your mummy and these are my rules for you” just has to do.
Same for their level of freedom.
DP has no qualms about allowing his youngest child to wander around our rather busy neighbourhood and go to the shops on on their own... again this isn’t something I’ll budge with. Both parents think she’s mature enough to do this, I personally don’t agree with it but it’s his choice - I also make it clear that I am not taking any responsibility for anything that may happen to his youngest DC because both parents are happy for her to do this. So again at times there are differences but that’s just how it is.
99% of things we agree on but it’s hard when they can do these things at home with Mum, I can hardly say “take that make up off in our house”.
I wouldn’t like it if he told me how to raise my kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s so dependent on individual situations isn’t it winosaurus. You sound like you have a good balance. It’s much easier for a SM the less parenting she has to do. Often from these boards it seems that a Disney Dad with a child he doesn’t pull up leaves a SM in a really impossible situation. That’s been my experience too. I would happily let my DSD go out late or wear make up - her Mum/Dads Rules - really not up to me at all - but not happily let her be mean to her half brother, leave the stairgate open, or not shower for weeks.

I agree with you I think! For me the parent takes the lead on all on preferences, choices, freedom, that kind of thing. I would wade in on ‘household rules, harmony and cooperation’ if that makes sense. I wanted a happy house, not to press my views.

So I would want same rules for all the kids:

• politeness and manners.
• helping around the house. Being reasonably respectful and tidy, (like not leaving food on the sofa) and basic hygiene (although much better if their own parent does this already).
• sharing, not being mean, not being loud late at night etc.

The examples you mentioned, I would see them as not being up to me and would totally leave them to their own parent. When asked by my son why his step siblings could go to the shop on their own, have no limit on their laptops etc, I’d just say, different parent!

I would have felt that it was overstepping to tell my DSDs when they were or weren’t allowed to wear make up, go out late, play computer games, drink or study. That was between them and their parents. Even with DSD who was in our care full time.

I have to say my DP and my DSD were both quite bossy! They did overstep that parenting line. They often criticized my parenting as I’m more cautious and set limits with my own kids on screen time etc. I had to keep saying, look we are different, that’s ok! But I was fine with DP asking my son to tidy his room.

8yo has come to play today with denim hot pants and mascara on... I kid you not confused it’s 2degrees outside

Now that's just ridiculous. Allowing your child to dress like that in this weather. Not like she's off to the beach.

I'm rather cautious (more so when mine were younger) with them going to the shops or alone...I wouldn't have allowed it at 8 years old at all.

Thinking back to your original question..one thing I found nice was when my DB got remarried...his wife incorporated his DC into their vows.... in how she also loved them and would support their upbringing... and I have to say she's lived up to that....but I do accept it's a personal choice and you shouldn't be forced to parent if you don't want to.

There's times my SIL has said things regarding the kids and I've felt she should take a back seat on the issue..as they aren't hers and their mum is very much in their lives.

I know she has a different style of parenting than my brother in certain areas too and of course he always has the final say.

5 years in and my SD is now 11 she does nothing I tell her and I do all her care.

I’m thinking of telling my husband if she continues this he can do all her care as he does nothing for her

Step parenting is tough I’ve had 3 children and that’s easy compared to trying to bring a child up who is being brought up completely different to your ways

I agree with you to leave it to their parent to parent them, but by default you will because you care - like putting on suitable clothes for the cold weather, you care about them for me that would be enough.

Easy enough when the step "parent" has no children of his/her own and there are no shared children. I parent my children. DP has a friendly, respectful relationship with them and feels comfortable challenging poor behaviour but that is where it ends. If I ask he will help (picking up from an activity, being in charge if I go out) but I don't need or want anything more. Works for us, mostly.

I think it sounds like a reasonable arrangement, I especially like that it means they get time attention and boundaries from their own parent. And it sounds like you do cultivate a bond with them that is grown up and caring but different from a parent role.

All fine and dandy but wait 'till their teenagers and it's a whole other world. Thankfully, my 2 step kids are mature lovely adults now but I wouldn't wish their teenage years on anyone.

Well I've ended a relationship recently as I found the kids/step parenting thing too hard.

exDP has young adult children living at home aged 19 and 22, nice kids but I don't want to be involved or in a position where DP wants support with parenting them....I felt out of place being asked to back up DP on something with the 22 year old when I actually thought DP was wrong and the 22yr old right! I also found that I disagreed with some of DP's parenting stuff like chores (the adult kids never clear up after themselves or do their own washing, offer no help with housework or bills etc....DP's choice I guess but I've not parented teens myself yet).

I have my own younger (10 & 12) Dc's and am amicably split from their Dad who I co-parent with happily. I found it a real struggle that exDP wanted to be more actively involved in my kids lives at times (they have two parents already) and do things like get involved with their bday parties when their Dad and I are quite capable of managing 20 ten year olds - I felt uncomfortable at imposing childcare responsibility on exDP, I disagreed with exDP's stance on some parenting things e.g. chores & responsibilities, discipline (where their Dad and I agree and set same expectaions in both our homes), allowing them to stay home or go out on their own etc.

I had a couple of different stepfather's and a stepmother growing up....and amicably divorced parents. I have just decided that step parenting is not for me and not what I want for my kids (their Dad may well re marry but his new partner seems lovely and sane with three well adjusted kids on her own and they've no plans to live together before her kids have left home).

sorry rambling...

Personally i think that when the kids are all in the same house the same rules should apply to avoid sibling rivalry and fairness for all of them. I have 2 my other half has one and although ours are 8, 6 & 6 and younger if one was allowed to do something and not the other holy hell would break loose.
Maybe for example with the bra tops if one isn't allowed then the other shouldn't be allowed in the same house for fairness as she could resent her for been allowed or become jealous.
Everyone kids are different and everyone rules are different if its working then don't change it maybe just be aware of possible problems but if your concerned its not working maybe conciser some changes.
Step parenting is a tough job. :-)

@Sarajandb The bra tops... my DP has no issue with his young DD wearing them, or other items of clothing/outfit choices I wouldn’t dress my children in so I can’t see why he would want to tell her she now can’t because I don’t want my DD wearing them.
I also think by me enforcing rules on her that her mum has never had an issue with may imply to her that I disapprove of her mother’s parenting choices... and what sort of message would that send to SD? I personally really dislike the over-sexualisation of young girls and I’m trying as a mother to retain my daughter’s innocent and childhood as best I can.
It’s so difficult, you’re constantly treading on eggshells when they’re not your children and you can’t parent them how you would your own.
My DD is a very different child and for now she’s not bothered - she’s more bookish and sporty, so I’m hoping it stays that way so we can avoid a lot of issues

*innocence

Winosaurus - I agree young girls wear way too much... If the girls arent bothered by it then i would leave things as they are. If there is no issue now i wouldn't change anything if things work.

Yes i know too well all you do is tread on egg shells and pleasing the step parents mothers is sometimes an impossible task.

There's no right or wrong way its trial and error but if everyone happy even if its not the traditional way i wouldn't rock the boat just enjoy been a happy family :-) x

Your DD is also used to other kids in school having different rules to her, so I don't think it's going to scar her if she can't do something and your DP's DD can.

I don't think another adult should automatically take on a parenting role just because they're in a relationship with a parent. My own DP is fantastic with my DD, but he's not her dad. They may develop that relationship as time goes on but if they never do, that's fine.

@CaffeineAndCrochet I totally agree with you. I don’t particularly want my DP to parent my kids or for me to have to parent his. As long as we’re getting on and happy that’s all that matters

@Winosaurus - I haven't previously commented on your thread but it's been on my mind a lot.
Dp & I have 6 between us. In brief I live in one town & dp lives with me eow & if he's working close by.
His kids live in another town with their dm. Dp has kept a house in that town (even though he travels with work) & sees the kids there eow & during the week if he happens to be working close to that town.
We've been together 3.5 years and are now engaged.
We wanted to sell both our houses & buy a large one together in my town which is closer to dps work, & had an offer made on a suitable property which fell through. We really felt that the best thing for his kids was for them to feel included in his life with me, plus running two houses is very costly.
If his kids activities aren't on he brings them up here for the weekend but it's just chaos & not getting any better. Often there's 8 of us in the house & my head gets melted from the constant mess & the kitchen/living area is like a train station.
The kids are all basically fine together but are hugely different. His just hang around ALL THE TIME (which I'm not used to) & mine talk ALL THE TIME (which he's not used to).
Like you I've no interest in parenting his but unlike you I find it really hard to stand back from commenting on some things. Eg there's a tv in the kitchen which his youngest (12) will put on in the morning & watch something entirely inappropriate (to me) on Netflix. This distresses my dd (12) who is not allowed watch violent films who is sitting in the kitchen having her breakfast. Dp sees nothing wrong with certain movies & at times like this I feel like I'm losing control over my own parenting!
His are picky eaters - but if I don't cook for them & leave dp to it then the kitchen is permanently occupied - 5 teenage boys constantly wanting food! If I do include them in dinner they either don't like it or I have to cook plain food which my three don't like!
My point is you seem so good at stepping back from it & while I make huge efforts & say little it really bothers me.
Their toilet habits are also really disgusting (a 12, 15 & 18 yr old who still can't aim!). Dp is not like this & does nag them about this but it doesn't stop & even my 15 yr old son is grossed out by it & again it upsets my 12 yo dd no end.
Am I nuts at this stage to suggest that dp still sells his house but buys a smaller more manageable property in his dcs town? Or would it put too much strain on our relationship?
I would genuinely love all us living together to work but find myself lost in where I stand in the whole thing which is a strange place for me to be as I've a great relationship with my three & feel like I'm a good parent who's parenting has/is working.
Am rambling a bit here but am genuinely interested in how you manage to step back from stuff like the bra top/acrylic nails without overly worrying about the influence it may have on your dc?

@magda I would be interested too.

It sounds as if you have a ‘relaxed’ father to his kids. That to me is pretty crucial, as it leaves a big gap in parenting. It also means your kids are constantly exposed to kids who can do what they like, looser boundaries. It directly affects YOUR parenting of YOUR kids.

I had this too, my DSDs had no limits for example on computer/screen time at all. I had to work quite hard to explain to my DS that rules are different and he had limits. I didn’t try to parent the DSDs.. But then DS be sat around watching them play games when he was not allowed anyway! He’s got a tendency to gaming addiction now.

It’s also harder to not parent if the kids are around the house all the time with no outside activities or friends. I had this also. I sympathise!

I feel for you, it’s so hard. Your DP having his own house might help avoid those stresses of parenting SCs and putting a strain on your own parenting. However it is going to be tough in your relationship. Looking back at mine, I still think it was good for me to move in, but under more clear and equal terms. Even doing a kind of contract with counselling.

I guess safety and not being rude or mean are situations where we have to be a parent. You can’t stand back. However this is also true of things that negatively impact on our kids / general house happiness. Tough! How do you do it winosaurus?

I’m not going to lie and say it’s all perfect. The only time issues have occurred is when my DP has disciplined my kids - but I suppose he is around mine more than I am around his so it’s inevitable, but I don’t ever discipline his. It skewed his view of my DD for a while and during an argument he said my DD was always being told off and she is naughtier than his. Absolutely not true, she’s a very easy going calm kid in comparison to SD2 but the only difference was he wasn’t hearing me tell her off all the time, I would bring it to his attention and he’d step in so perhaps he wasn’t registering just how often she was being reprimanded.
The next we had to get SDs over I made a mental list of all the things he had to pull them up on and afterwards we discussed it. He said he hasn’t realised it was so much. I said it’s normal and what kids do so it’s not a worry, but he needs to acknowledge that his kids can be badly behaved too.
Since then we’ve agreed to not get involved with the disciplining of each other’s kids and it’s working.

I think it works for us because I honestly have no interest in trying to be their parent. I’m their friend, I care for them, I talk to them and offer advice when asked but I stay out of the he majority of big decision making boundary setting for them.
I obviously discuss things in private with DP and we make decisions together without their knowledge - but from the SDs perspective I’ve never tried to parent them. And I think they appreciate that.

Also I think it helps that my DD is pretty mature emotionally for her age.
Yesterday for example SD2 was playing on her iPad on an app I won’t allow my DD to have because I have safety concerns regarding it - strangers can communicate with them. I’ve explained to DP these concerns previously but he thinks the risks are minimal so doesn’t mind.
After the SDs had left I sat down with my DD and explained why I won’t let her have this app because I think it could potentially be dangerous and showed her some reviews and an email we had received from her school discussing internet safety.
She didn’t mind after I explained it’s my job to keep her safe and this is just one of the ways I’m doing it.

The key for me here is that you discuss things with DP and seem to be able to agree on discipline and parenting. So in effect you are relieved of not directly parenting the trickier side of your DSCs, but you have a say in that side of things, and influence.

The problem was for me (and possibly Magda) is there was a lot of negative influence on my parenting and DS. And some major issues with DSCs that we’re not being addressed by any parent. The most pertinent were the treatment of me and my son, rudeness, ignoring, put downs etc. My DP had no clue. Also, like your DP I had more time on my own with DSCs.

Glad you have something that works for you, and your DD sounds like she has good rules and boundaries already from you. She doesn’t therefore need more parenting, she has enough!

Well I made a huge decision tonight - told dp that I still want to get married but that I want to live apart on the weekends we both have our kids.
Caused a MASSIVE row (& we rarely fight) but I'm sticking to my guns & have explained to him that I firmly believe our relationship will come under way too much strain on those weekends given the set of circumstances we're dealing with, & that we will only end up resenting each other's kids.
I know it sounds hokey but when the deal fell through on the joint home we were going to buy I felt that some outside force was telling us to respectively stay put.
I've been a parent for 21 years & I just can't see that being undone by me having to bite my tongue in my own home & having to ignore behaviours I don't agree with while they impact on my kids.
I think it will be physically quite hard on our relationship but mentally/emotionally it will be better.
🤞🏻 fingers crossed.

@Magda72 that actually sounds perfect.
So how will it work? Will he live with you at yours but keep his home on in the background and go there EOW with his kids? And pop over with them to say hi on those weekends but stay at his?
That seems like bliss to me!!!

Also how did the conversation end? Did he agree to it? X