Do you have to be a step-“parent”?

[Winosaurus]

Having a discussion with my friend about this...
If you date/marry someone with DCs do you have to be a step-parent?
Can’t you just be with their parent and be around them, be kind to them etc but not actively take part in any parenting?
I take this view of my DP’s kids, I also have 2DCs but none together. I don’t want to parent his kids and I don’t particularly want him parents h mine... in fact I have no interest in it whatsoever.
I cook for them, or help them if they need me and spend time socialising with them but I have zero desire to discipline them or get involved beyond that tbh. And I know my DP feels the same about my DCs. We all get along and we’re nice to each other but when he has his kids I just leave them to it.
I love their dad and they’re nice kids but I don’t want to be their parent, they have 2 parents already. And I think the same about my 2... they don’t need or want him to behave like their dad.
How do other people live in this situation? Are we really odd? It seems to work for us all and the kids are happy

[Scorpvenus1]

No you don't.

I am with my partner and hopefully get married maybe, But I have stated up front that I am no step parent. Not now not ever.

Its not my child and I don't want the responsibility. I'm there for my partner but he knows I don't want to get involved

Its his child and he looks after it which I think is fair. I let them do whatever they want and I don't concern myself and its perfect. :)

I just cant bond so I keep away from it.

[Mamatribe]

Yes - obviously you have a duty of care for them in your home and you should continue to enforce your house rules but trying to be a parent to them is just a minefield sometimes best avoided

[Magda72]

Hi @Winosaurus - he did agree to it albeit reluctantly! He knows there's huge issues there but he wants it all & I've just said to him that unless he's prepared to tackle what's going on at his end us all living together is just not going to work - this isn't an episode of Fuller House!!!
Like you I am not strict but I have a few rules that have worked very well for my kids & me - no lies, speak to each other & me with respect, don't swear at people, respect other people's property & personal space, say please & thank you, earn your pocket money & clean the bathroom after yourself! to name a few. I also rarely don't compromise - I negotiate with them & tell them that when I do say an outright no to something they have to trust that I'm doing it to keep them safe (games, internet use, age inappropriate games, going to the pub too young).
@thegreenhen has pinpointed exactly how I don't want my situation to end up. I genuinely don't want to have to compromise my parenting. I don't want to have my daughter see her sbro of the same age getting told yes while she's being told no - I don't think that would be fair on her.
Dp is very aware that he bends to his too much but he's in that classic nrp role of feeling that when they're together he doesn't want to be on their case, & also they still have to do everything together to 'prove' their a unit - so the youngest (just turned 12) is watching/playing things that (I don't feel) are appropriate while the eldest (18) is still being dragged to playzones with the younger ones and their cousins! Their dm also mollycoddles them - they do no chores and barely know what a laundry basket is & as a result all three have this sort of precocious arrested development if that makes any sense, ie they're advanced in ways they shouldn't be & behind things such as emotional maturity & personal responsibility.
I genuinely feel sorry for them & for dp & I do think I could be a great pal to them, but their dm's attitude to me & my kids & dps own defensiveness & guilt are making that impossible so I've just decided to take a back seat & look after my own.
Dp seems to think this is a rejection of his kids which it's not. It's a rejection of their & his situation & as I've pointed out to him the fallout from his divorce is not the responsibility of me & my kids; that my divorce & 'first family' do not impact on him & his kids (as in there's no toxicity because I've done all that emotional work) & that my kids & I can't be expected to deal with the emotional fallout of his 'first family' especially in our home.
It's all exhausting to be honest.

[thegreenhen]

I think you have an advantage there as its tablets you're talking about. (Told you I was being old!) .

What about things like table manners. Will your DD get told off at the dinner table whilst his DD won't? Or vice Versa?

You are lucky in that you only have EOW, my DSD was a part timer too but then moved in full time.

Your relationship reminds me of how it used to be with my friend when I was a single mum. We spent a lot of time together and she had a daughter similar age to my son. We had different rules but it didn't matter and the kids understood that. But we didn't live together.

If you can make it work, then I think it's great but you may find things more challenging as they get older, more independent, and if DSD moves in full time.

[Winosaurus]

@thegreenhen it’s not on a games console it’s on their iPads so they aren’t viewing each other’s IYSWIM.
And the game itself isn’t inappropriate, it’s just that you can either sign in on it which allows you to be able to message other gamers (which means strangers can potentially start talking to you) or not. I will let my DD play some of these games but never sign in so it’s a closed game, and I never let her play games which allow free communication between players.
Maybe my DD will grow up to resent the different rules... but my job is to be her mother first and foremost and I will protect her in any ways I deem fit. If EOW her SSis comes over and is allowed to do things she isn’t then unfortunately that’s just how the cookie crumbles 🤷🏼‍♀️

[TimesNewRoman]

No I don't think you do have to be a step parent. My dads partner has been in my life for about 17 years and I have never referred to her as a step mum and never will. She is his partner, and my friend.
We get on really well and she is a grandparent to my DC.
She has helped me out and listened to me over the years but I don't see it as a parent thing and neither does she.

[thegreenhen]

Yes, chores are different but as they get older, will probably something you need to agree on won't it?

With regards to the make up or games. If dp allows his daughter of the same age to wear make up and you are vehemently against it (and I don't blame you!), then yes, you can set separate rules if it's important to you but don't think as they get older your daughter will happily accept those differences in rules unless she actually doesn't want to wear make up in the first place.

How can you live in the same house and have one child playing a 12 or 15 game and one not? I am probably being old but at that age my ds would have only had games in a communal area (I accept that's probably changed nowadays) and therefore both children would have been viewing it.

[Winosaurus]

But she’s not even 8 yet (she is later this month)

[Winosaurus]

But cleaning and basic tidying up are normal house rules to set.
Me saying “oh take that make up off in my house” isn’t.
Do you see the difference? There isn’t really a compromise half-way point unless I allow my DD to wear some make-up

[thegreenhen]

Ideally you would speak with your partner and agree a compromise.

I speak from experience here. My son and his kids are much older now and I too used the "they're not my kids so it's not up to me to set their rules" line with my own ds. He did understand but I was aware that I couldn't have a household with such massive differences in parenting so although I tried and tried to get dp to compromise, he just paid lip service to it.

Inevitably, I ended up slackening off with how I wanted to bring up my own son on things that didn't matter too much to me.

For example, my own son was wiping up the dishes each night, tidying, hoovering and dusting his own room, feeding the pets, walking to and from the bus, saying please and thank you, asking before taking food at age of. 12. To me, that was basic stuff and he probably could have done more. DP's children have done none of those things and they are now adults, one living with us full time and the same school year as ds. I let the chores slip a bit and he does no more now than he did then but it's still a lot more than his kids do.

If you can talk to your dp and both compromise, I think it's the way forward for a successful blended family.

[Winosaurus]

@Quietlife1979 no not always. We don’t always get along. However whenever they behave badly I can rely on my DP to discipline them.
Maybe that’s the key really? We have each other’s backs and he wouldn’t allow them to speak to me badly and vice versa. We discipline our own kids so our partner doesn’t have to

[Quietlife1979]

You all get along.

If you didn’t it would be a different issue.

[Winosaurus]

Also I don’t consider my parenting strict but I do have certain things I think are inappropriate for younger ages and I’m not willing to allow behaviours which are too old for her or allow her to be put potentially in danger just to align with what my SD’s DM allows

[Winosaurus]

tell your* DP

[Winosaurus]

But again @thegreenhen what would you do in those situations I’ve described then? Would you either
a.) allow your own child to wear make-up/ play online games you think are unsafe
b.) tell you DP and SCs that although both the parents are fine with these things they cannot do it in your home or around your DD (which will cause resentment from them)

Or something else? Honestly I would be interested to know how you’d resolve this

[thegreenhen]

I agree you dont have to be their parent and actually think it's healthy and advisable to leave parenting to the parents and you be a supporter of that parenting.

Where I don't agree is that you have different rules for kids living under the same roof. You are storing up a lot of resentment to come out towards your step kids if your parenting is stricter than your DP's.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Not disciplining your step children is fine- as long as their parent does! If you are sharing a home with them and no one is doing the job it causes huge resentment.

[Greenhouseonthehill]

No step parent experience here, but am finding this discussion very interesting.
Magda, I think you ve done the right thing re the houses. I could feel my blood pressure going up reading about all those people clogging up your kitchen and bathroom.
Wino, I think you sound like you take sensible action towards the situation.

[Winosaurus]

Also how did the conversation end? Did he agree to it? X

[Winosaurus]

@Magda72 that actually sounds perfect.
So how will it work? Will he live with you at yours but keep his home on in the background and go there EOW with his kids? And pop over with them to say hi on those weekends but stay at his?
That seems like bliss to me!!!

[Magda72]

Well I made a huge decision tonight - told dp that I still want to get married but that I want to live apart on the weekends we both have our kids.
Caused a MASSIVE row (& we rarely fight) but I'm sticking to my guns & have explained to him that I firmly believe our relationship will come under way too much strain on those weekends given the set of circumstances we're dealing with, & that we will only end up resenting each other's kids.
I know it sounds hokey but when the deal fell through on the joint home we were going to buy I felt that some outside force was telling us to respectively stay put.
I've been a parent for 21 years & I just can't see that being undone by me having to bite my tongue in my own home & having to ignore behaviours I don't agree with while they impact on my kids.
I think it will be physically quite hard on our relationship but mentally/emotionally it will be better.
🤞🏻 fingers crossed.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

The key for me here is that you discuss things with DP and seem to be able to agree on discipline and parenting. So in effect you are relieved of not directly parenting the trickier side of your DSCs, but you have a say in that side of things, and influence.

The problem was for me (and possibly Magda) is there was a lot of negative influence on my parenting and DS. And some major issues with DSCs that we’re not being addressed by any parent. The most pertinent were the treatment of me and my son, rudeness, ignoring, put downs etc. My DP had no clue. Also, like your DP I had more time on my own with DSCs.

Glad you have something that works for you, and your DD sounds like she has good rules and boundaries already from you. She doesn’t therefore need more parenting, she has enough!

[Winosaurus]

Also I think it helps that my DD is pretty mature emotionally for her age.
Yesterday for example SD2 was playing on her iPad on an app I won’t allow my DD to have because I have safety concerns regarding it - strangers can communicate with them. I’ve explained to DP these concerns previously but he thinks the risks are minimal so doesn’t mind.
After the SDs had left I sat down with my DD and explained why I won’t let her have this app because I think it could potentially be dangerous and showed her some reviews and an email we had received from her school discussing internet safety.
She didn’t mind after I explained it’s my job to keep her safe and this is just one of the ways I’m doing it.

[Winosaurus]

I’m not going to lie and say it’s all perfect. The only time issues have occurred is when my DP has disciplined my kids - but I suppose he is around mine more than I am around his so it’s inevitable, but I don’t ever discipline his. It skewed his view of my DD for a while and during an argument he said my DD was always being told off and she is naughtier than his. Absolutely not true, she’s a very easy going calm kid in comparison to SD2 but the only difference was he wasn’t hearing me tell her off all the time, I would bring it to his attention and he’d step in so perhaps he wasn’t registering just how often she was being reprimanded.
The next we had to get SDs over I made a mental list of all the things he had to pull them up on and afterwards we discussed it. He said he hasn’t realised it was so much. I said it’s normal and what kids do so it’s not a worry, but he needs to acknowledge that his kids can be badly behaved too.
Since then we’ve agreed to not get involved with the disciplining of each other’s kids and it’s working.

I think it works for us because I honestly have no interest in trying to be their parent. I’m their friend, I care for them, I talk to them and offer advice when asked but I stay out of the he majority of big decision making boundary setting for them.
I obviously discuss things in private with DP and we make decisions together without their knowledge - but from the SDs perspective I’ve never tried to parent them. And I think they appreciate that.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@magda I would be interested too.

It sounds as if you have a ‘relaxed’ father to his kids. That to me is pretty crucial, as it leaves a big gap in parenting. It also means your kids are constantly exposed to kids who can do what they like, looser boundaries. It directly affects YOUR parenting of YOUR kids.

I had this too, my DSDs had no limits for example on computer/screen time at all. I had to work quite hard to explain to my DS that rules are different and he had limits. I didn’t try to parent the DSDs.. But then DS be sat around watching them play games when he was not allowed anyway! He’s got a tendency to gaming addiction now.

It’s also harder to not parent if the kids are around the house all the time with no outside activities or friends. I had this also. I sympathise!

I feel for you, it’s so hard. Your DP having his own house might help avoid those stresses of parenting SCs and putting a strain on your own parenting. However it is going to be tough in your relationship. Looking back at mine, I still think it was good for me to move in, but under more clear and equal terms. Even doing a kind of contract with counselling.

I guess safety and not being rude or mean are situations where we have to be a parent. You can’t stand back. However this is also true of things that negatively impact on our kids / general house happiness. Tough! How do you do it winosaurus?