Wits end....

[namechange879]

Have name changed for this.....

Just one of those weekends. Last night I wrote a huge rant about how tough I found yesterday with dss. Decided not to post it.

But it's just a weekend where dss is here and it takes over everything. He is so unbelievably naughty and horrible to everyone. I've never known a child so demanding.

I love dss and understand he only sees his dad on a weekend - but I can't cope with it this weekend. Constantly whining about nothing

Blimey he's going to be finding school tough!! Hopefully he'll mature out of it.

My eldest spent a lot of time with her dad and there was rather a lot of spousificatiin occurring, then she'd come back to being one of 4 and a child... fun times!!!

It's interesting that you feel his mum and her family are responsible for DSS's poor behaviour. How do you really know what goes on there? All you know for certain is that your DSS's behaviour in your home is challenging and that your DH is absolutely hopeless in response to it. Even with your hands off approach, DH is undermining you and letting down both of his children. I'm surprised you would lol about it. Is he not concerned himself? He needs to do parenting classes or seek help with parenting through Relate. He is doing harm here.

Because is dss is ever told off, he goes home and tells his mum. Dh then gets a phone call or a text with her having a go at dh. She states she doesn't believe in discipline and when he's in our home, it needs to be the same or he will get confused. Talking to him gently is her way forward and every night on FaceTime I hear it. He throws his food around (usually tea time when dh calls) and she doesn't tell him. I've been in dss life since a baby and I know the way she works however I am not criticising her. Yes I don't agree on some things she does as a mother but it's not my place to get involved. He's a very much loved little boy in both homes and that's what's important. But as for where I think it's going wrong, that's my whole point to this post, where is the line for me to get involved with it?

A reward chart is my suggestion also. Last night I did say my piece but unfortunately my dad turned up unannounced so we didn't get to finish out conversation but I do think he took on board what I said.

I thought school would help him but so far it hasn't. I know he does get into trouble at school but I'm not sure of the circumstances. I also don't know how he is around other children. I'd be interested to find out if he has the same behaviour with every child or if it is just our kids.

I do totally realise that children are naughty at this age, I really do. My ds was at this age. I just think some of it is extreme, you can see the jealousy in him.

Just before they went home last night, dsd and dh got into a tickling session. They were having loads of fun. This was upstairs while dss was playing downstairs. As soon as dss heard it, he was straight upstairs with 'look at me dad, leave dsd alone and look at me'

Dh does know and acknowledge the problem. I think he's just scared as daft as it sounds. He loves spending time with his kids, he cherishes every minute and I totally bet he doesn't want to spend that time telling them off. He's just gutted I think it's come to this.

My plan is to no longer bite my lip, I need to stand up and say. Ive already told him last night how sorry I feel for dsd and he had tears in his eyes. I genuinely don't think he realised it.

We will just see what next time brings, thanks everyone

Maybe he has to go home and complain. Your DH should ignore his ex. Very many children have different rules in different homes. Not ideal, but hey ho. Let him go hpme in a strop and ignore the backlash from ex, then welcome him back warmly the next time. You sound pretty clued up yourself and hopefully your DH is waking up and will smell the coffee. Fair play to you for protecting your own DCs from this - I would want to see significant progress before changing that again. Good luck

@bastardkitty thanks. As far as swapping weekends, I've done that for everyone's sake. I think dss comes now and feels lost without my dd but it's not changing back until improvements have been made like you say.

Next weekend is just Saturday we all spend together and we tend to make sure we go out and do things on that day so it shouldn't be too bad.

The weekend after we will deal with it. The reward chart is my next suggestion. I really do try give dss as much praise and love as I can. He is a lovely little boy - very very cute - and when he wants to be he is such a pleasure to be around. It's just that part of him has been non existent the last few weeks

Fwiw, I think not having your DD around at the moment is a good idea.
It's a shame Mum isn't on the same page, but maybe your DH needs to explain that the dynamics at your house are different and you have to have different rules. In the nicest way possible, she doesn't get to set the rules at your house. She probably doesn't get to see the jealous side to him because he doesn't have to share at her house.

Have you considered having your DH's kids visit on different weekends so they each get some time where it's just them & their dad?

Looking at it from your DSS's view, he's come to spend time with his Dad and he has to share that time with his step-sister, your kids and you. I know that's not all the time, but does he ever get a weekend where it's just him and his dad? Also does his daughter ever get a whole weekend with just her dad?

I'm sure you're a lovely stepmum, and your kids are lovely step-siblings, but the reality is that the contact time is for your DH to have with his kids.

I'm sure if your DSS got some one-on-one time with his Dad (& I'm talking whole weekends here, not just the odd hour or so) his behaviour would improve, as that's what he really wants.

Totally, I think she would be shocked if she knew what his behaviour was like - I doubt she will ever see it at home. Even if she did, she would stand up for him which is totally understandable.

And yeah there are times when dsd doesn't come now as she is getting to an age where she wants to be with her friends and dh accepts that. Unfortunately she doesn't live close so if she wants to stay with her friends that's fine but we aren't in a situation where we can drop her off and pick her back up again as she lives too far away. So yeah dss does get time on his own with dh and he's absolutely fine

Dd comes in school holidays for extra days usually so again, she does get time with her dad. He also goes and watches her do her gymnastics through to week if he can finish work early enough. It's a shame she can't come after school but as just mentioned, she lives an hour away so it's just not possible.

I totally agree that the time is spent for dh and dcs and I am not even included in that. That's a big reason why I swapped the weekends so they can have their time without my dcs in the way. I have started staying at home as well when they do go out. There was a point when dh would of liked me to attend whatever they did but I think he knows I am struggling with the last few weeks and is happy for me to stay at home if they do go to the park or something.

I know dh is having all of Easter off but I am going to gently suggest he has the dcs separately for the extra time. There's no way we could all cope with a full week of it. He obviously sees it different to me, they are his children and he wants nothing more for them to get on and love eachother but right now it just doesn't work. It is pretty sad for dh really. His problem is he acknowledges something needs to be done but he struggles to get any further than that. I suppose that's where I do need to step in and try and guide

@Sausagerollers and yes dh has suggested that to both mothers but unfortunately they both work on the weekends dcs are with us so therefore it's pretty much set in stone. Dsd was happy to switch but her mum just couldn't work around it. Dsd will soon be at an age where she can stay in by herself though so it might not be an issue but right now it's just not an option which is a shame as that really would solve a lot of it

This kid's behaviour is worse than your dsd's because his circumstances are completely different. Your dsd is growing up in a friendly, effective co-parenting relationship with agreed boundaries and therefore has been able to bond with her stepmother and her life has stability and consistent, loving positive relationships.

Your dss has parents who never had a relationship, agree about nothing and aren't able to co-parent effectively at all. His life sounds chaotic and confusing with no consistent boundaries and his relationships with adults are not positive. It's a vicious circle for him; he behaves poorly because he's confused and angry, his poor behaviour makes people cross or distant with him (and causes disagreements between his parents about him), which makes him more confused and angry.

I feel so sorry for this little boy. But I also have huge sympathy for you, because absolutely none of this is your fault, and honestly, there isn't a lot you can do to improve the situation from your position. My advice to you is to step back a bit, keep calmly reiterating to your dh that all the family relationships would be much better if he stepped up and parented better when dss is there (and he NEEDS to have a face-to-face meeting with dss' mother and work out some agreed co-parenting strategies) and make sure you take breaks for yourself to recharge your batteries during contact weekends.

and for you, it must be bloody awful having to put up with this and being pretty much powerless to put any boundaries in place.

I would get involved, you might not be his biological mother but you are his dads wife and his stepmother, and he is coming to your house.
Next time he comes over i would be sitting him down and explaining to him there will be boundaries and what you expect, and there will be consequences for bad behaviour (eg naughty step). Kids need boundaries and usually respond better if they understand what is expected of them. You and your husband need to both be on the same page about it and have a chat and agree boundaries before he comes over.
My kids are by no means angels but i couldn't cope with a 4 year old running the house!

I also agree with positive reinforcement too, we try and praise our kids when they are sitting/ eating/ playing nicely or use their manners its hard to do sometimes especially if they are having a difficult time, but its important, and makes you feel like youre not nagging them constantly lol

@Heartofglass12345 he most definitely does like to think he runs the house. To the point if we are going out, he will make the kids all line up in his order to leave. If they don't do it, he screams the house down. It's like the things you wouldn't even class to be things become an issue. Who gets in the car first etc. Dsd was holdinhid bag when we got in the car and she placed it next to his car seat. He started crying because she put it upside down. You could ask him to sit on the step and put his shoes on, he will go in the kitchen and do it as he just cannot do as he is told. He has to change it.

@Greensleeves totally, he is a very confused little boy. Like you say, his mum and dad were never together so he doesn't know any different but it's just 2 total conflicting houses. Dh and the mother are amicable but they can argue and unfortunately that's because she sort of sees dss as her possession. She doesn't see it as equal parenting, she's bringing him up and what she says sort of goes. I've been a single parent and I get that to some extent. I was like that with my ex but that was because he didn't really care. Dh does care, he wants to be involved in everything with this dcs. I think it probably will cause some friction between them if they do talk or even if we set boundaries for him - she won't like it. That is where I will not get involved - arguments between them is there issue. Usually they get passed it pretty quickly.

It's just a sad situation, and I really do want the best for him. Absolutely. It's a worry of what is to come to be honest.

I just have little things in mind like:

Tidying up his mess. He really does make a mess and refuses to tidy it. Dh always does it so I'm going to propose firmer boundaries here. He tidies up, he gets loads of praise and sticker or whatever for his chart

When we ask him to put his shoes on etc etc he listens and does it. Gets a sticker for chart

Play nicely - get a sticker for chart

I'd hope that if we just enforce these little things then the telling tales and tantrums might reduce. He is obsessed with sweets, he absolutely loves sweets which dh is way to soft with. He's always eating sweets so I'd just suggest at the end of the day for tea he gets his sweets but only if he manages it and the reward chart is a success. If he doesn't, no sweets.

Usually I'd think I'm too involved but suggesting this but maybe I'm not

Some of what you're relating here is beyond what I would say is typical 5 yr old behaviour. Has his school expressed any opinions or concerns?

If you're on Facebook join the Therapeutic Parenting group and read up on strategies to use with him that would ally with how he's being dealt with by his mum at home. It involves time in rather than time out, wondering with him about why he's feeling/doing what he's doing, no sticker charts. You may find this will help as it should help regulate him. You can also post questions and get a massive amount of support to try and resolve this. It's a whole new way of parenting but might just help you

@GinisLife oh thank you, I will have a look at that

@FitBitFanClub I'm not sure to be honest, I know he has been in trouble recently and by the end of the week he brought a certificate home for being good. I have no idea what it was for though or how school tackled it, I'd say it's defo not my place to be that involved. I could casually ask dh though

Don't get into a battle over sweets. That way madness lies.

I think DH needs to talk to the school and find out about how he behaves there, strategies they are using. If you are on board with the school then it's only 2 sets of rules- with his Mum and then same at school & with you.

I do think making house rules where he no longer has the power would help, think there will be tantrums until he accepts his rein is over though.

I guess with Mum he makes most of the choices (this was my ex with DD) then at yours he gets very little say in comparison.

You seem to be bending over backwards not to tread on any toes here, but this is your home and I think you should have more say in what happens in it than you seem to have.

Likewise, you're very sweetly trying not to judge his mother. Sorry, but I'd sure as hell judge someone who doesn't know the meaning of the word discipline when it comes to their badly-behaved child. It's not about locking children in cupboards, but guiding them and teaching them how to behave (link to the word "disciple").

He sounds like a nightmare kid...but it does seem like constant attention seeking and wanting to be the boss of everyone to the point of telling them how to line up.

His mum will regret no discipline when he gets to his teen years and gets into trouble.

Doesn't she realise that life has rules...be it at school or work....we all have to follow rules at some point.

People struggle with the idea that some kids are called naughty ... it's like labelling them...but sadly he is naughty.

The reasons why are something else...but he is a naughty kid.

When my DC were younger and didn't behave nicely ... I would tell them other kids won't like that...and behaving that way could leave you with no friends.

5 is quite young though. He could change...but with his mum behaving as she does it's very unlikely.

@SandyY2K thank you, I think we have the same thinking on this....

I am in no means a massively strict parent but I tell my kids when they are wrong. Wether they are being naughty, rude, messy....I don't care, they get told. And it works. I went through a stage where I had to get strict with my dd, she was going through a whiney phase and I had no choice but to nip it in the bud by being strict mummy.

There was a classic example the other night when dh was FaceTiming, he wanted to show his dad something but his mum said no. Couldn't hear why but think it was because he was in bed and it was late and this whatever it was was down stairs. Dss screamed and it sounded like he threw something (I could hear this threw dhs phone and I wasn't even in the room). Then I did get nosey and started to listen. She said to dh 'oh he's always like this lately' then said to dss 'ok my little sweetheart, wait there and mummy will go at get it for you' in her very soft mummy baby voice which is all dss knows. So she's pretty much rewarded dss behaviour even though he's screamed and got angry and thrown something by giving him what he wanted.

Yet again, I'm not trying to portray her as a bad mother. He is a very well looked after little boy. It's just our ways as mothers is massively different and I feel I can't do with step mother role the way I want to because she would well and truly go nuts at it

He's coming tomorrow but as plans have turned out, me and dcs need to go visit my aunty who's been taken into hospital. She doesn't live close by so we will literally be out most of the day.

In some ways I'm relieved we have escaped tomorrow but in others it's such a shame. I was determined to have a good day with all dcs tomorrow and how to handle it all. It's been on my mind all week. Will just have to wait another couple of weeks and to be honest, just let dh get on with it tomorrow. Least I'm not there to witness the madness lol

I'm not trying to portray her as a bad mother.

I'll do it for you. She's useless in terms of discipline...and it's kids like that who end up on the wrong side of the law...or with a self entitled attitude.

If he carries on like that...he'll make a damn useless boyfriend/husband...and his future partner will be on here complaining about him.

I can't see what values she's instilling into him...and children are a product of their environment.

He's old enough to know right grim wrong and I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to hear him whinging and whining.

My niece went through this bossy stage and crying if she didnt get her own way...my Dsis would tell her to go in the hallway until she stopped crying.

When my DC were with her and the other cousins ..who are all a lot older..she wanted to be the centre of attention...if she wasn't she'd lash out or come down crying...saying someone had hit her. My Dsis didn't believe her. She was about 3 at the time.

I don't think I could have coped with a child like your SS.

Your SD sounds lovely though. it's great that she has a good relationship with her dad. Does she get on with your girls?

I’ve had 8 years watching my DSCs grow, and lack of rules and boundaries results in very rude teenagers!

What is troubling here is your DH is not forming a parenting partnership with YOU. I do think this is a massive, but common mistake. EW does not control your household rules. And they must be upheld by both of you. It is not one household, separated into two houses. You can’t control her lack of discipline- and she mustn’t control yours.