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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Wits end....

50 replies

namechange879 · 18/02/2018 09:30

Have name changed for this.....

Just one of those weekends. Last night I wrote a huge rant about how tough I found yesterday with dss. Decided not to post it.

But it's just a weekend where dss is here and it takes over everything. He is so unbelievably naughty and horrible to everyone. I've never known a child so demanding.

I love dss and understand he only sees his dad on a weekend - but I can't cope with it this weekend. Constantly whining about nothing

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NorthernSpirit · 18/02/2018 09:36

How old is he? Does dad feel the same, deal with it?

Your OH needs to step up by the sounds of things. Can you detach for your own sanity?

Arapaima · 18/02/2018 09:40

Being a step parent is a tough gig alright, OP. How old is DSS? Do you have any DC of your own?

SparklyMagpie · 18/02/2018 09:46

How old OP?

Original poster

namechange879 · 18/02/2018 09:47

He's almost 5. He's so horrible to his sister it's unreal - to the point she doesn't want to come anymore. I should point out that they have 2 separate mothers.

I know it's not my place to get involved, I've learnt that over the years. Dh is such a good dad but just let's dss walk all over him.

I sort of said something yesterday - dss kicked off because I closed the door and he wanted to do it. Dh told him off but then apologised. I asked him what he apologised for as dss needed telling but I didn't really get an answer because dss cannot stand is talking and interrupted with 'don't you dare tell me off dad' to which dh replied 'sorry ds'

OP posts:

Original poster

namechange879 · 18/02/2018 09:48

It's got to the point where I have changed the weekend my dc see their dad as he is constantly horrible to my dd.

Usually I cope with this but this weekend, I've just had enough. He screamed at me for not putting ketchup on his plate, then I got screamed at again for putting it on the wrong place....

OP posts:

Arapaima · 18/02/2018 09:48

Sounds like it’s your DH who is the problem here.

Snowydaysarehere · 18/02/2018 09:49

Sorry but your dh is most def not such a good df!!. I would be going out and leaving them to it tbh. What does dh feel about his other dc not wanting to see him?

Arapaima · 18/02/2018 09:50

He’s not a good dad if he can’t set boundaries for his son.

Arapaima · 18/02/2018 09:50

Snowy, I think OP means they don’t want to see their step brother.

HootenannyHouse · 18/02/2018 09:53

Get out. It won't get better. They will get bigger and the problems will get bigger. Discipline is a big part of parenting and your DH is clueless. Do you want to teach him to parent? Do you need another giant child. Find the door.

Beamur · 18/02/2018 09:57

Sounds very wearing.
He is still quite little though, so there is time for improvements to happen! Your DH needs to grow a spine though. He needs to be more consistent and to ask for and get better behaviour from him.
It sounds like, counter intuitively, he needs more attention from his Dad, with lots of positive reinforcement of good behaviour. Can he maybe take him out more, do some nice tiring activities with him, swimming, football, etc?

Original poster

namechange879 · 18/02/2018 11:05

I'm not leaving dh lol. I love the bones off him, I cannot believe someone actually thinks I should leave lol. I'd be lost without my hubby. He's amazing, leaving is not an option.

Dh loves his kids very much. I completely agree he needs to grow a back bone. I just feel I can't get involved. Dh doesn't interfere with my parenting.

It was me that made the decision to swap the weekends. The kids want to see each other again but I can't cope with it, until dss behaves better. Dss is desperate to see them but I know he won't cope with it. It's so much less stressful now than it was but dss is still so demanding.

Dss is an only child at home, very spoilt and doesn't get told off by his mother as she doesn't agree with discipline. I'm not judging either, but it's very obvious when he comes here that there's just no boundaries at home.

Dh is being abit more strict today, dss has just had a tantrum as dsd is doing her homework and dh is helping. Dss can't stand the attention dsd is getting and his thrown a tantrum but dh has handled this one quite well.

I just really dread what kind of child he is going to grow up to be but he isn't mine so I really don't feel I have much say in it other than hold my breath and have the odd rant on here

OP posts:

Beamur · 18/02/2018 14:54

Kids can deal with different rules at different homes.
At 4 (nearly 5) he is still very young and 'naughty' is often attention seeking behaviour, so if you can teach him he will gets lots of attention when good, the incentive for misbehaviour will lessen. Lots of praise for good behaviour!

Original poster

namechange879 · 18/02/2018 15:19

@Beamur i totally agree, it's all attention seeking behaviour and the fact he has to get the other kids in trouble. My dcs aren't here but dsd is, it's a constant thing of 'dsd is mean to me' 'dsd just told me a naughty word' 'dsd took the cup I wanted' we've even had 'dsd sat down before me and I wanted to sit down first, tell her dad' 'dsd is looking at me and I don't want her too' he is hell bent on getting her into trouble and she does nothing wrong. Occasionally she can start it but most of the time she's just had enough and I don't blame her.

As much as I agree with the boundaries and even know how I would deal with it, is it my place to say something?

This weekend, I have honestly just felt like taking over (time out would of been used a lot) And today I have sort of. He makes such a mess and refuses to tidy it. He wanted a biscuit and I said no, not until he had cleaned his mess. I wasn't giving up on it even though dss tried his hardest to win but eventually he did it. I was firm but didn't raise my voice once. He got his biscuit and was praised for tidying up. Dh said nothing. But if he was doing it, he would just cleared the mess and given dss about 3 biscuits probably.

So am I in the right by being like that? I don't want to overstep on anything.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 18/02/2018 15:26

So he has 2 kids by 2 different women? And your children live with their dad, but see you on weekends?

Original poster

namechange879 · 18/02/2018 15:32

No my kids live with me and see their dad every other weekend. The weekend my dcs go to their dads is the weekend dhs kids come here. Which is much better for everyone and dh would agree. The other weekend, dh has his kids one day in the weekend - either Saturday or Sunday and that is the day we all spend together. So the kids do still see eachother but only for one day instead of a whole weekend.

And yes, he was with dsds mother for over 10 years - very good relationship with her mother now, we are all friends.

Dss was the result of a one night stand. I have been in dss life since he was a a baby.

OP posts:

FitBitFanClub · 18/02/2018 16:50

You say that your dh is a very good dad. Can you explain what that looks like to you?

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/02/2018 16:54

He is not parenting well. Of course you should say something. He is your husband and this is happening in your home.

You’re not stupid and you have clearly outlined that you understand exactly what needs to be done to deal with this issue, so why are you just sitting back and watching.

Original poster

namechange879 · 18/02/2018 17:12

Because I've come on here before with the same issue and been told it's not my place to get involved....they aren't my dc's after all. It seems as a step parent you can't win.

Honestly he is a lovely dad, the problem is he is too soft. That's all. And he says 'daddy doesn't see you much, I don't want to spend all my time shouting at you' I think he's afraid that if he does then dss won't want to come. Also as I had, his mother doesn't do discipline. She will not be happy if she finds out he's been shouted at.

He will spend hours on end just doing jigsaws, reading books, colouring, chasing them round, playing hide and seek. They are his priority. My dcs don't have that. They go to their dads and he just sits on his phone. He doesn't ring our dcs through the week. Dh rings both kids every night without fail. He speaks to the eldest every morning before school too. He tries so hard. Infact too hard and that's his problem.

Dsd confides in him with all her problems, she goes to him rather than her mum. Friendship problems, not problems etc. He gives her good advice.

Dsd is no problem when she's here, she's great. There are no issues with the father/daughter relationship really.

I can't fault him other than I need to get it through to him that he needs to set boundaries. I will talk to him about it.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 17:15

You need to remind him that good parenting is giving boundaries. There doesn't have to be shouting or telling Off but there does need to be consequences and house rules.

"At this house people ask nicely for what they would like..."

"At this house we tidy up after ourselves..."

Beamur · 18/02/2018 23:26

I don't think you were overstepping the mark. I would think that's just normal family life.

HughLauriesStubble · 18/02/2018 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings · 19/02/2018 07:40

it's all attention seeking behaviour and the fact he has to get the other kids in trouble.
Are you absolutely sure? Because my DS was very demanding and had terrible tantrum at that age and it had nothing to do with seeking attention or getting others in trouble, it had to do with the fact that he is a very emotional kid who feels everything more intensively. What I learned is that he hated becoming angry and frustrated as much as I did and felt terrible afterwards but felt out of control.

Punishing him only achieved to make him feel even worse about it. What worked was to try to avoid him getting so angry in the first place by talking him through ways to divert it. Simple things like saying 'I know you want this now and you are starting to feel angry, but I need to do this now because x, y and z, so how about you do this now, and in 20 minutes, I'll be with you. here's the clock, when the arrows are there, then come and get me'.

Thankfully DS had a wonderful key worker at nursery and then at reception and this strategy worked really well with him. It doesn't mean he never got punished because like all kids, he was at time also naughty, but that was different.

I'm pleased to say that the tantrums almost totally subsided and he was actually known to be a very gentle and caring kid at school. He only had a few at home when very tired. The anger came back when the hormones kicked in and they really frightened him, but by then, he was able to talk about it. I reassured him that anger alone wasn't a bad emotion, that many things are accomplished as the result of the energy brought on by anger, but that he needed to learn to channel it properly and recognise the signs. Again, things settled when he turned 13. At 15, he is still prone to feeling angry at times, but he knows how to deal with it now and few people actually know that he gets very emotional about things.

I agree that you should be able to intervene when he shouts at you, not by punishing him but indeed talking to him and telling him why there is no need for it.

Original poster

namechange879 · 19/02/2018 08:00

Honestly I don't think this is the same to be honest, I appreciate your post but I think this is more to do with the fact that at home - his mums house - it is just him. Infact he's the first child in the family and he is used to everyone fussing over him. He is very spoilt - I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this but he is. Every weekend he comes with new toys his grandparents have bought him. They all take him places as a family, which again is lovely but he is used to the attention constantly being on him. He comes here and there are sometimes 3 other children that are all bigger than him and he finds that very very hard. For example he cannot deal the the fact that my dd can read and write now and he can't. She loves reading and writing but he will constantly put her down telling her it's wrong or he writing is messy and rubbish

When they are all together he will literally spend his time going upstairs then coming straight back down to moan about one of them. Sometimes he will say one of them hit him which is never true. Or sometimes it will be 'they are sat on the bed and I want to sit on the bed' or 'they have the blue one but I want them to have the orange one' it's honestly constant all day long. When it's like this we do take charge. I either sit upstairs with the kids - he won't do it as much if an adult is watching - or dh will keep him occupied downstairs. It's much better now we only have to deal with this for one day

OP posts:

Winteriscoming18 · 19/02/2018 09:35

He’s 5 I’ve had 5 year old they can be quite naughty. My DS was extremely naughty at that age especially going between two homes but in your case he has a sister who has a different mother who visits and then your own dc. It’s all abit complex for a 5 year old to take in. Does his df spend any one to one time with him. All kids can be naughty at that age wether they are step children or own it’s how we deal with it and put things in place to combat that. Try a reward chart. Btw my ds is completely outgrow his naughty stage he’s now a well
Manner (most of the time) 9 year old.

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