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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do we contribute equally to all our DC uni education? What is fair?

50 replies

brownmouse · 17/02/2018 09:36

So, if parental contribution is expected to be about 4K ... we have three dc, one starting uni this year.

DSD is the oldest but her mum is saying she will not contribute to DSD's university costs.

So - do we pay 4K pa to DSD? The other two are circling like vultures because they will want the same 'deal'! But their other parent WILL pay their equal share.

Or do we pay half (2k), and make DSD suffer because her mum won't contribute?

Which is fair/right? They are always watching to make sure we are even-handed...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WhiteCat1704 · 17/02/2018 13:33

Dsd should not get more than others, especially if she has already blown money!!! I would tell her how much she will get from you and the rest is up to her. She could find a part time job and start saving now..

MycatsaPirate · 17/02/2018 15:10

My dd has a full student loan and gets about £9k a year. On top of the £9k a year for fees. She has to survive on that simply because we don't have the money to help her much apart from the odd food shop and petrol money when she is coming back.

She can't work part time as her course has lots of placement work - she can be doing upwards of 60 hours a week unpaid. So she has budgeted her halls costs and petrol costs and survives on what's left. She works part time when she comes home for the holidays and saves that money towards running her car and for food.

If your DSD and other dc are going to do courses where they have the option to work p/t then they should. They are or will be, adults and shouldn't be relying on parents to financially support them fully. Yes, the odd food shop or the odd £50 to pay for travel or books but why on earth would you fund her entire life when she has the option to actually work?

As for the comment about the mum needing to maintain a home for her - errr don't we all? I used to get £5 a week maintenance for DD1 and that stopped when she was 16 ( no idea why, CSA wouldn't tell me) and tax credits and cb stopped when she finished her A levels. I still have a room for her here but it's not like it's costing me any more is it? I don't get this argument that because she has a room here it's costing me more money.

Teach the kids to stand on their own two feet and find ways to help themselves or end up with a 30 year old still expecting to be bailed out years later.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 17/02/2018 15:33

I don't get this argument that because she has a room here it's costing me more money

So you couldn't possibly downsize to one bedroom then to cut your costs? I know I certainly will have to once my children leave home because this big family home I currently maintain will be far too big for just me. And like many, I receive no maintenance whatsoever so am doing it all myself. Downsizing will be part of my income for my older years, that's for sure. If my ex expects me to put that on hold whilst our children get through university and become independent then he's got another thing coming. I will have more than done my bit by then!

QuiteLikely5 · 17/02/2018 15:40

If this woman can afford it then i definitely would not pay otherwise you are enabling her behaviour

If she is poor and truly can’t afford it then I’d pay the 4K

KayaG · 17/02/2018 15:42

Give her £2,000 she blew the other money she had and her DM can afford to stump up but chooses not to. She'll have to get a job.

RavenclawRealist · 17/02/2018 15:54

I was torn till you said DSD has already ha a chunk of money which she has blown through. I would stick to £2k for each.

antimatter · 17/02/2018 16:00

Are you saying that DSD's mum had no maintenance for her?

Original poster

brownmouse · 17/02/2018 16:18

No, she lived with us so there was non maintenance

OP posts:

TwoDots · 17/02/2018 16:42

2k 100%. It would be different if she hasn't already been given money and her mum was poor, but that's not the case here

antimatter · 17/02/2018 18:52

Has her mum paid maintenance?

MycatsaPirate · 18/02/2018 12:30

ohreally They go to uni for only a fraction of the year. My DD often comes home and is here for the summer and Xmas holidays. I'm not going to downsize because she's away studying! Plus I have another child at home full time.

Once she finishes uni she will be looking for paid work in her field and hopefully moving back home to save on housing costs while she saves up some money.

I feel sorry for your kids if you plan to up sticks and downsize to a one bed place the minute they go to uni! They still need a home to come back to (and use of a free washing machine!)

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 18/02/2018 12:49

I think it depends. Two parents able to work should pay half each. However does your DP pay maintenance?

I’d play hardball and only give in if her mum totally refuses. I’d make it clear to DSD too.

Original poster

brownmouse · 18/02/2018 13:15

Mycats I never went back home after starting university! I got a room with a family and was on my own two feet. No help either. I and loads of my peers worked full-time as much as we could around our studies. We seem to expect young people to do so much less nowadays. Coming back home for a washing machine?!

Various people have asked if my dh pays maintenance. So many assumptions. She has lived with us as I've said upthread.

OP posts:

MycatsaPirate · 18/02/2018 16:13

brown To be fair to my DD she works 60 plus hours a week as a student paramedic, often going hours over then an hours drive each way from placement. Her uniform needs to be washed daily and costs her £5 a time to do it. She is broke!

So when she comes home she brings her bedding and towels and anything else that needs doing. I don't do it for her, she does it herself. But if she was on a course where she could work p/t then obviously I would be expecting her to pay that herself. She is hoping to move into a shared house in the summer with two friends so they at least won't have to pay £5 a time to do a load of washing.

She comes home for hospital appointments and whenever she gets a couple of weeks with no placements or lectures just to have a bit of peace and quiet and some home cooked food. She's my daughter, she will always have a home with us but I will always expect her to stand on her own two feet (which she does) and always expect her to pull her weight at home.

FlippingFoal · 18/02/2018 16:34

Her uniform needs to be washed daily and costs her £5 a time to do it.

FlippingFoal · 18/02/2018 16:36

^ She's having you on there - hospitals have their own laundry services so uniforms cost nothing to wash. She shouldn't be taking it home to wash.

If you do have uniform like logo coats etc you can claim the tax back at the end of the year.

MycatsaPirate · 20/02/2018 12:26

She is based at various ambulance stations throughout two different counties depending on shift availability. They definitely can't just request their uniforms to be laundered! The only time she was given a clean uniform was when they brought in a patient who was highly contagious and their uniforms were taken away to be burned, they had to shower and wash their hair and the ambulance was taken off the road.

She is definitely not having me on. The washing machines in halls are in a communal area and they need to be paid for. I've been there.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 23/02/2018 13:32

I think it's wrong to extend your mortgage to cover university costs. Where and what is DSD planning to study? Can she live at home? Or get a part time job?

If you feel you want to contribute it's better to take her shopping from time to time once she's there or pay accommodation costs for her first term rather than just handing cash over.

Mummyontherun86 · 23/02/2018 13:34

I would ensure all three children have the same money. So pay £4 for 1st child and 2k for the others (as they will get another 2k from other parent).

This will mean they all get the same.

Quartz2208 · 23/02/2018 13:38

I think DSD needs to learn to stand on her own two feet a little. You are extending yourselves as well too far.

2k each for me

WhiteCat1704 · 23/02/2018 13:52

It's interesting that some insist she gets 2x what others get as it all needs to be equal but when there is discussion about xmas gifts it's all about YOUR household and fairness within and other parent and 2x as many gifts is supposed to be ignored as it's outside of your home..

Really..SD should get the same FROM YOU as others will get FROM YOU. If she is short of 2h ahe works over summer and earns it. University is not a given right..As an adult she is making a choice and needs responsibility for it!

Eddie1940 · 27/02/2018 18:18

My dsd made all decisions herself about uni , gap year , pt job . Parental contribution is decided on household income not biology . Dsd lived with us so I was expected along with sbxh to subsidise this . I did nt mind this but I did mind lack of being consulted . Essentially it meant I would be continuing to work full time . Dsd mother has never worked and refused to consider she should contribute in any way shape or form . But then she never has . Sorry if I sound bitter but I feel it a little !

AppleAndBlackberry · 27/02/2018 18:31

DSD will struggle on less than 4k, I would give her the full amount. I would give the younger two the same in the name of fairness and if their other parent also contributes then they can afford more fruit and veg or put some aside. Even 4K may be low if it's got to cover some accommodation costs.

AppleAndBlackberry · 27/02/2018 18:34

Actually just read you're extending the mortgage in order to afford this and DSD's Mum could afford it she wanted to, so in that case then make it 2k each.

antimatter · 28/02/2018 03:22

Extending mortgage to pay dsd 2K?
Am I missing some details?
Or is it 3x2K for dsd=6K
and later more mortgage for 2 kids x 3 years of study x 4K=24?

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