Do we contribute equally to all our DC uni education? What is fair?

[brownmouse]

So, if parental contribution is expected to be about 4K ... we have three dc, one starting uni this year.

DSD is the oldest but her mum is saying she will not contribute to DSD's university costs.

So - do we pay 4K pa to DSD? The other two are circling like vultures because they will want the same 'deal'! But their other parent WILL pay their equal share.

Or do we pay half (2k), and make DSD suffer because her mum won't contribute?

Which is fair/right? They are always watching to make sure we are even-handed...

Can you afford to give all the children 4k?

We are paying my DD the whole amount because her D dad can't afford to contribute (He has a minimum wage job but the system means her SDad income is used to work out contribution. )
When SS goes we intend to contribute less as expect his mum to contribute too.

You pay £4K to DSD but £2K to the others and explain why. I think that is fairest.

Can mum pay? Presumably she is about to lose maintenance yet there will be an expectation that she maintains a home for her? Will you contribute to that?

The only thing that needs to be equal here is that they all equally got to attend uni. The money doesn't need to be equal.

So there are 3 chikdren. I is a SC and mum won’t contribute to costs - is that right? Why won’t she contribute?

I would pay 50% and explain to the DSD that the other 50% is the mothers contribution. You have 2 other children to support.

The other two are circling like vultures ??

We've agreed that we'll ask their other parent to contribute. But if they won't, then we will make up the shortfalls so that each DC/DSC has the same amount left to live off after paying rent. We can afford to do this ok.

So far, DSC1 & 2 have started uni. Their mum pays DSC1's mobile bill but nothing else. My ex is unlikely to contribute much for my DC when they go, as he's on a very low income unlike DH's ex who just thinks it's not her job to pay for anything

You could try putting a bit of pressure a on the DSC's mum to pay her share, which might be easier to do once DSD knows where she's going and what the cost will be. But if she won't pay I don't think it's fair to leave one child short because their other parent won't pay.

Be aware that costs can vary quite a bit between different places, and also get complicated with scholarships, bursaries, summer jobs, different term lengths, etc. We tried to agree beforehand what we'd pay for but have already found it to be more complex than we anticipated.

DSD mum thinks DSD is old enough to look after herself. I do sympathise!

She has never had maintenance and DSD lives with her partner (but does not pay rent etc).

All earn decent salaries! Can we pay - yes, but we are looking at extending our mortgage to do so.

If they all get the same money in the end, I'd say it doesn't matter where it comes from.

Also, I'd keep your other two out of the conversations. You don't really want them going to their dad and telling him that you're supporting DSD in full because her mum won't.

All dc are good at making it very public what we give them as they are all very good at negotiating. There is no way we can keep it 'secret'. I think DSD mum is hoping/expecting us to pick up the slack.

I'd take different accommodation costs etc into account and try to make sure that they have roughly the same about of spending money.

My parents are extremly fair Tony sister and I but we would never begrudge the other an extra financial support for something important that one needed! I'd tell you two 'vultures' that fine, you would withhold the extra £2k from DSD but that then she wouldn't be able to go to uni and would have to get a job locally instead while they went off to uni. A touch dramatic but they need to understand that fairness is not always about money.

The money is more complicated than that because DSD has had quite a lot of (her mum's) family money but spent it. So those kind of conversations are rather difficult to have!

I would pay 50% and explain to the DSD that the other 50% is the mothers contribution. You have 2 other children to support

Why automatically a 50% contribution? Surely it depends on the earnings of both parents? Why should a lower earning parent pay the same as a higher earning one?

If still together, the shortfall would be made up of family money. If there was an expectation that a lower earners paid the same as a higher one, there would be cries of LTB (assuming the male was the higher earner). Why the obsession with 50/50 post relationship breakdown.? How can it reasonably work like that?

Sorry for my lack of knowledge. Do they not have student loans in the UK?
Where I'm from if a young adult wants to study they take out their own loan that they pay back. I would be horrified to expect one of my parents to draw on their mortgage to help pay for it when it was me choosing to study to better my own earning potential.
I could understand it if you had lots of money and could afford it. But it sounds like that's not the case here. I also think that what ever you decide to give one you have to give all.

Scifi they have student loans but not for the full full amount of living costs. Parents are expected to pay the difference which - for whichever parent - is about 4K a year.

Why 50/50 after divorce? Because that's easier than to agree the toss continually which most people can't bear to do!

Why 50/50 after divorce? Because that's easier than to agree the toss continually which most people can't bear to do!

Hilarious. Consultant dad who has progressed his career without having to worry about childcare now earning £100k+ should be paying the same towards his children’s uni costs as nurse mum earning £30k? Only step mums would think that reasonable, eh?!

Ouch. Ours here doesn't cover the full amount but students are expected to have part time work on top of full time study in order to cover the cost. Quite tough when your studying 9-6 5days a week.

I find MN Interesting if you'd suggested giving DSD 2k and the other kids 4k you'd be shot. But it sounds like the other way round is acceptable. Odd. Im clearly from the other side of the world

From your update I can understand why your DSD's mum won't contribute if her daughter has already had family money. What did she spend it on? I'd go with the £2k for each child. She can get the rest of the maintenance loan for food and rent and a PT job for fun money.

ohreally wow that's a massive generalisation. My DSDs mum and I both earn more than my DH and DSD step dad.

If she has already had quite a bit from her mother's side then I would be inclined to go with the 2K all around. My 13yr old is wanting to go to university and saves some money now, she could have saved some of that money. Or if you think you can manage an extra 1k then 3k each. How much overlap between them attending university? Will you need to pay for more than one at a time?

ohreally wow that's a massive generalisation. My DSDs mum and I both earn more than my DH and DSD step dad

So you missed the bit where I said the parent paying more/less? The point is why should parents split these costs 50/50 if there is a discrepancy in earnings? This is a huge amount of money - more if there is potential for one child to be at uni at a time. And then there’s the issue of keeping a home for a young person at uni as well. 50/50 is a massive simplification, likely to benefit a higher earning household and cause problems for lower earners.

I don't think there is much discrepancy is earnings across any of the households tbh. All earn over 40k.

We will have some crossover with dc at university but as I say we are extending the mortgage this summer in anticipation.

If mum is refusing to give money because she had some and she blown it away recklessly, then I think your OH should speak with his ex because she might be saying no to make a point about her learning to manage her money and if you and OH give her money, it defeats the whole point.

What will she be studying? Will she be encouraged to take on a PT job? I think there are a lot of different views about supporting children at Uni, anything from they are on their own from now on and these students working as many hours around their studying as possible and those whose parents still see it as their responsibility to support them fully, including a long list of luxuries. Unsurprisingly, it is often the former who end up with the better degrees.