Washing

[turquoiseblossom]

DP and I are going on holiday on Sunday.

DSD aged 14 has been with us since Wednesday and will go back to Mum's on Sunday. DSD's room is filthy and she hasn't put a single item of clothing in the washing bin for 7 weeks. She lives with us a third of the time. DP has a habit of asking (pleading) with her to tidy her room just before she goes back to Mums.

Today, I asked him to organise with DSD so that I am not left with 7 weeks of washing to return to when I come back from holiday.

He looks at me like a helpless puppy and tells me he has asked her to tidy up, but if she doesn't, what can he do?!

I plan on not leaving the house to go on holiday unless all her washing is up to date, either that or still on her bedroom floor.

I don't want DP to do her washing when we get home because it will then still stop me from getting mine done.

It's just a little thing, I know, but it just infuriates me how pathetic he can be over something so simple.

Just to put it in perspective, he plans to take her out and treat her to new clothes and lunch out tomorrow, which will happen whatever the state of her room.

I feel Your pain OP. As a stepmum I have had to frequently moan at DH for failing to 'parent' his children.

I think mumsnet call it 'Disney Dad'

Leave her washing in her room. Tell him you won't be touching it all from now on. He should be washing his child's clothes.

And yes to it's his problem to solve. I do all my DSC's washing, as long as it's in the washing bin. If it's on floors or in the bed (looking at you DSS) is stays where it is I untill you run out. We have separate clothes for each house as well.

She is 14. A great age to learn how to do her own washing and take some responsibility for it.

She’s 14, she should be taking some responsibility, you aren’t her slave. Is she like this at her mums house?

Personally i’d go on strike. Adopt a policy - if it isn’t in the wash basket it doesn’t get washed.

I did this with my 2 DSC and it worked. When their dad and I moved in together into our house we bought them a washing basket each for their room and we explained to them that only clothes in the washing basket gets washed. They both said they understood. When they went home - DSS’s (9) room was tidy and all his washing was in the basket. DSD’s (12) Room was a tip and all her washing (including dirty knickers still inside jeans) was all over the floor.

I did the washing in the baskets and nothing else. When the kids came back DSD wasn’t happy she didn’t have any clean PJ’s or her favourite jeans were on the floor. But she’s never done it again. Harsh lesson but kids need to learn.

The key thing is your OH has to be aligned and you need to back each other up.

Leave her to do her own washing she’ll soon tire of it.

I wouldn't do the washing in baskets either. Can she not use a washing machine, she's 14 years old... not 4?

Your OH needs to step up and deal with this. Who’s the parent? DP ‘asks’ ‘pleads’ with her...... And if she doesn’t want to what can he do? And he’s planning on taking her out and treating her?

He needs to start parenting her before she becomes any more entitled. Does she think her slave will just run around after her?!

I already have the washing basket policy, hence why there hasn't been any washing for 7 weeks!

I refuse to pick it up off her floor for her, or unravel it once it's in the wash bin.

If I ask her to do it, the chances are he will just do it for her, which is not really helping her is it? He already does her share of any other chores rather than ask her to do it.

Even if she did it herself, I'd be constantly fighting to get access to the machine, tumble drier, clothes line etc. I know this because I did just this with DSD1 now aged 20 and it has been a battle.

I think the current system would work well if everyone played their part.

My own DD was taught from a very young age to put her clothes in the washing basket each day and unravel them.

Apparently the situation is even worse at Mum's house and her room is even more of a tip. So the expectations on her are very low at both houses.

Does she do anything around the house? Cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc? Or does she treat it like a hotel? Is she learning to be independent? Her dad isn’t helping her by doing it for her.

If she hasn’t had any washing done for 7 weeks. Leave her to it. She’ll soon (if she hasn’t already) run out of clean things to wear.

At 14 she should be pulling her weight. Kids are inherently selfish. It’s our job to teach them independence.

Maybe the bank of df will be closed until the chores are done? My ds doesn't get his phone topped up til he has done some .

She is supposed to wipe after each meal, but DP does it for her except for 1 meal at the weekends. So she eats 11 meals but only wipes up for 1. Last nights dinner was obviously the meal DP has chosen for her to wipe up and she did it at 2pm today.

She does nothing else at all. She sits on her phone / laptop all day and takes pride in telling us she does less than 200 steps a day. She has been diagnosed by the doctor with a severe Vit D deficiency and yet, DP won't even let her walk home from school because "she doesn't like walking". I don't blame her at all. She's just not getting any support to develop into a well rounded person. There's no point me doing it as I don't get the back up.

He is terrified that she won't want to come any more if he is "nasty" to her.

DSD's phone is on an unlimited contract paid for by DP.

He would never take it away from her.

God I feel for you. This is Disney Parenting on your parents side at its worse and you must feel completely undermined.

I had similar (not as bad as your situation). Fussy eater DSD who expected a separate meal cooked for her. Dad ran round like a taxi service for her. Did nothing around the house - we’d get ‘why should I.....’ at the simplest requests. Her mum only works 16 hours a week and does everything for her (and I mean everything - at 10 years old her mum was still wiping her bum for her when she went to the loo)! All that has now stopped. No one is doing her any favours. I work long hours, and have along commute to work, as does her dad. We’ve told the kids that we’re a family and family’s support each other and help each other out. The kids have jobs around the house and help out.

Your OH is the main problem here. You need a serious talk with him. He’s not going her any favours.

Good luck.

Bloody hell, you'll never win this one with the way he parents her. Let him see to it and do all the running around after her. Don't put yourself in the villain role.

People like him are the exact reason we are raising a snowflake generation!

Heck that’s a tough one. My own kids (youngest is 11) know that if it’s not in the wash bin then it doesn’t get washed. They all know how to use the washing machine and will do their own bedding /sports kit or put on a wash if asked to. They all have to hoover their rooms once per week and do all the jobs on their ‘jobs lists’ each day (things like walk the dog; empty bins; prep dinner etc). My DSD is also 11 and I think her mum does everything for her. She will do jobs if asked to (eg unload the dishwasher) but when I asked her to strip her bed she didn’t know what the sheet was. DH is usually ok with getting her to do things but more recently is slacking off and I’m finding it harder to deal with. She’s more than capable of making her own bed or hoovering her own room, but he seems to not want to ask her to do them. To me it’s his choice. If he doesn’t want her to learn some basic life skills then it’s his problem. So, I’d leave the washing, do yours and let your DH deal with her in his own way. It’s not ideal but it’s also not worth stressing about.

Very much used to feel your pain. Disney Dads need parenting courses.

To be honest I’d just leave it. Put all stuff on her bed and hoover and air bedroom. Put her clothes in a bag by the front door and refuse to move it. That’s it.

DP will ask why it’s by the door. Say it stays there until he washes it.
Get on with your own packing.

Good Lord, at 14 I was doing all my own washing (by hand) and ironing....but then I'm a over 120 years old!!!
Seriously, if she doesn't put her washing in the laundrey bin, bag it up and send it home with her. You may want to put a note in with it along the lines of: 'Dear E/W, I found these dirty clothes on, and under your daughter's bed at my house, no time now no to wash them......so over to you! X'

Wdigin2this I don't agree - why should it become the mum's problem when the dad is also being useless?

OP if I were in your position I'd warn DP that if he doesn't sort this out, if you go to do your holiday washing and find the washing machine full with DSD's backlog, you'll either stop it mid-cycle (if it'll let you) and dump it on the floor, or if it's already taking up drying space then you'll stick the damp clothes in a bin bag and put your holiday washing on the radiators/line instead so he'll have to do DSD's all again. And follow through! Although tbf neither of you should be nagging her about her washing anyway, at her age if she doesn't do it herself then it simply doesn't get done, simple.

Your poor ds sounds like her self confidence is very low. I’d see her untidiness as a reflection of that - not as laziness.