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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just when I thought we were making progress- virtual hug, please!

74 replies

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 08:50

Hi all,

I don't really think you can help me on this one, but I would like to share something that's made me feel really sad, please! Please don't post anything mean, I don't think I can handle it this morning.

I have a DP with 2 young children, and an EW who's still very angry. They’ve been split for 2 years, we’ve been together for 1.5. He's been to court for contact and 'won' it, so from the start of the new year we've seen the children more and after a few wobbles where they’ve needed reassurance, it seems like both DC are happy with the arrangement and we have a lovely time with them. I’ve always got on well with them, and I’d say our relationship was good.

The older DC’s birthday (5th) is coming up (he’s very excited!) and last night their mum asked my DP if I was planning on going to his party. When he said I was, she went mental. She sent him messages saying how hurtful that was (to her, nothing to do with the children), and saying what a terrible person and father he was for allowing me to come, and then the piece de resistance. She sent him a video of the DC in question in which she asks him if he wants me to come to his party and he replies ‘Errrr…. No. No no no!’

It’s quite obvious that he’s only saying that because she has prompted him to, he must be able to sense that she’s not happy with me coming. He certainly wouldn’t spontaneously start talking about me coming or not, it wouldn’t even occur to him. Now I’m sure that she’s only done this because she’s very hurt & angry, but it’s made me feel so sad that she’s willing to put her child in this position, and possibly make him feel anxious/concerned about me or spending time with me for fear of upsetting his mummy. I had previously thought that him sometimes getting upset about coming to daddy’s was due to the change in routine, and uncertainty in his mind about whether he’ll ever see his mummy again- but now I think it’s clear that she’s playing a part in exacerbating this upset. If she’s willing to do this video malarkey, who knows what else she’s willing to do to try to undermine their relationship with their dad, and with me. It’s made me worry about our future relationship, if things are only getting worse not better.

I guess it also hurts that someone hates me this much. I’ve always tried to stay out of her way, and I’m very respectful of their relationship with her, and it smarts that this hasn’t made any difference.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Thanks.

OP posts:

MachineBee · 07/02/2018 10:57

My DDs say that the worst part about ha big divorced parents is the inconvenience of two homes. But there is some compensation in the form of more presents and parties at birthdays and Christmas. My kids are in their 30s

LegallyBrunet · 07/02/2018 12:36

Have a hug. My OH's ex partner did a similar thing to me so I know how much it hurts. She told my OH at pick up that their DS had come home from the previous contact and said and I quote, 'Legally shouted at me all weekend'. The best part? I hadn't even been there the previous weekend as I'd been doing extra shifts at work which my OH was very quick to tell her.

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 12:36

I guess my DP assumed that one party would be best for the DC as all his friends live in the village they live in, and he'd want to have a party with them on his actual birthday. It would then be weird to have a party there and not do it with his mum. I also think when they initially decided to do it both parents thought it would be ok, and maybe without me there ruining it for everyone it will be

Hopefully the tension will get less and less as time goes on and it will help my DP integrate with their life, get to know their friends, etc. You never know, it might be ok....

OP posts:

swingofthings · 07/02/2018 12:37

Please please don't assume thst you dss said he didn't want you there just because he was coerced. It might have been the case but might not.

My DS liked his SM but he did not want her at his birthday party. He wanted his mum and dad however he would her only told me that and said differently to his dad and her so not to upset their feelings.

Getting along doesn't mean that you don't wish more than anything to only have your mum and dad at your birthday party.

KayaG · 07/02/2018 12:41

Or maybe he was trying not to hurt your feelings, swing, and he did want her there,

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 12:42

Swing couldn't it be the other way around, that he only told you that because he thought you'd be upset? If it could be one, it be the other.

I get your point, but I honestly think the whole premise of the question would confuse DC. He doesn't see it as a choice between me or mummy, it wouldn't even occur to him. Me going would be like his aunt going, or one of his dad's friends.

But yes it could be, I accept that it could be the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 12:42

Snap KayaG!

OP posts:

Willswife · 07/02/2018 12:53

He met you quite quickly after his separation and if he's been to court things obviously weren't amicable.

Depending on the nature of the breakup, maybe she still finds it hard to see the two of you together? If this is the case, things may well change given time.

It is hard to see someone you love move on with someone else, her behaviour may not be right, but sometimes hurt makes us act in irrational ways.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 07/02/2018 12:53

I think it’s still raw and I’d also duck out if I were you. It’s only a day and with the fact you got together so soon after they split and you ‘won’ the court case and custody - I’d be giving the woman some slack for a few years.

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 13:00

Willswife and Bananas yes, absolutely.

I have accepted her being horrible to me/about me (she is), even though their split was nothing to do with me and I'm still a person! I'm a big girl and I can take it. It's the bringing the children into it that really got to me.

That she can't keep her feelings under control to protect them from feeling anything negative makes me sad and worried about what else she's capable of dragging them into. However, if this is the worst that happens, hopefully we'll be ok.

OP posts:

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 07/02/2018 13:01

It's hideous isn't it? I've had similar from my DSC's Mum. Have a non mumsnet like hug.

The only advice I can give is have a long hard think about if you gave it in you to carry on. I have but there have been major wobbles and it's only now 10 years on (they have been split up for 13) that things are easing up a bit.

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 13:10

Thanks Accidentally. Despite this wimpy post, I am usually pretty robust- I do think you don't have a chance in hell as a 'SM' if you're not! Also, my DP is very supportive through all of this madness, and stands up for me when he needs to.

OP posts:

Pleasebeafleabite · 07/02/2018 13:11

I think you were very optimistic to think you attending the party was an option under the circumstances you describe

Why do you go along to pickups? That probably winds her up too

LemonMuffin837 · 07/02/2018 13:13

Since I have been with my DP, whenever a birthday rolls round they do something separate, even if it means he doesn't get to see them on their actual birthday, he will pick them up the next day and treat that day as if it's their birthday. Same with Christmas.
Maybe you should mention this to him see how he feels about it. it's a win for the kids as they get two birthdays, two christmases so on, in the end it becomes normal.
My mum and Dad divorced when I turned 11, I loved having two celebrations for everything.
I mean, it's been years now and me and ex actually talk to each other and wouldn't mind being in the same place as each other, but at the beginning I was actual scum I think lol.

mydietstartsmonday · 07/02/2018 13:16

You just need to let it go and I think you have. Do something special when he is back with you both. It is not worth the stress and the arguments. She is obviously very resentful but there is not a lot you can so. Be super nice & kill her with kindness.

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 13:19

I go as it's a 40 min drive, so I keep DP company. Plus, I like the car journeys with the smalls and I think they do, too. I don't get out of the car and we don't/can't park in front of the house, so she doesn't even have to see me.
Also, personally I don't think my reverence for her needs to stretch to me not going in case she might spot me down the road, 2 years after they separated.

OP posts:

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 13:21

Thanks all. I think I will leave it to the parents to decide on the parties, and accept that I might never be able to go. As many have suggested, we can always do something extra that I can be involved in, I'm sure no one would complain about that

OP posts:

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 07/02/2018 13:23

Glad to hear it @sothisisnew it can be a tough gig! For years DH wasn't allowed to his children's bday parties so we always did something ourselves at the weekend. It's our normal now and even when we may all do a birthday thing together with their mum the DSC still get a 2nd bday event with us as well. Does she have a new partner?

MachineBee · 07/02/2018 13:31

Take heart from your DPs support. All too often SMs don’t have that and become convenient scapegoats for all rubbish that happens- regardless of whether you had any involvement.

I was nothing to do with my DHs marriage failing. She left him for someone else a year before I met him. Despite this my DSC have said their parents would be together if it wasn’t for me, I’m a gold-digger (he had almost nothing, I’ve put in more than him to buy House and we share all bills 50:50), I’ve turned him against the DSCs, I’m mean, the list goes on... My DH has been rather too disengaged for too long and is only now starting to support me in the face of some appalling behaviour from his older kids.

I’ve only stayed because the younger ones are ok with me and I now leave everything to do with the older ones to DH. They do not live with us anymore.

I hope my experience isn’t yours, but protect yourself by not trying too hard with your DSS. Support your DH but leave all parental matters to him and his Ex.

Strongvegetables · 07/02/2018 13:34

sothisisnew your always going to be in a tough spot

But you chose to get with a bloke who was fresh out of a family break up - because when two people split up it’s a whole family break up.

The kids should always be our first and sometimes when parents are fighting over custody I don’t think they are - they are split like assets.

I come from two ‘blended’ families and honestly if I was you I’d blend in to the wallpaper. Don’t play any significant roll in those kids life yet. It really is slowly slowly catchy monkey and your partner suggesting you go to a birthday party when things are clearly still raw is a silly and ego led idea.

Two normal sensible adults canturn in to imature selfish people when fighting over their kids - just stay back and let them get in with patenting.

A tip - don’t invest more in to those children than they don’t want because when your pushed to one side by one of them (as you will be - your not a parent) you will feel hurt and rejected.

You chose a man with a family - don’t kid yourself they are yours too

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 13:36

No she doesn't have a partner. I'm confident that will be a whole new layer of horribleness!

OP posts:

MachineBee · 07/02/2018 13:40

Almost certainly. Expect to be treated as a resource when that happens. She’ll expect short notice additional childcare too.

Lovely456 · 07/02/2018 13:44

That poor child regardless of how she feels she shouldnt be projecting it onto her child.
My dhs ex was very much the same, Very negative towards me, very hateful towards him, Unfortunately her child is very messed up emotionally now and has all sorts of issues.
Poor kid.
I know how hard it can be

Original poster

sothisisnew · 07/02/2018 13:59

'You chose a man with a family - don’t kid yourself they are yours too'

A bit harsh! I don't think they're mine at all, as I think I've clearly demonstrated. I just think there's enough room in their lives for a relationship with me, as well as with their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends at school, etc etc.

I'm very careful not to overstep the mark with them, I don't 'parent' them any more than another responsible adult in their lives would, and I never, never speak badly of their mum or anyone in their family. Their dad feeds them, puts them to bed, gets up with them in the night, takes them to school, wipes their bums, etc. They like me as much as they'd like anyone else willing to play with them, and I know that if I weren't around they'd be perfectly happy with someone else there, or no one else there.

Surely there is some way, some how that a parent can go on to have another relationship with someone else after a divorce and it be a positive (or even neutral!) thing for the children... Surely! Please!

OP posts:

Lovely456 · 07/02/2018 14:22

Of course there is, sothisisnew, You sound like you are handling It all really well as far as your role goes.
I would say the kids are very lucky.

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