Just when I thought we were making progress- virtual hug, please!

[sothisisnew]

Hi all,

I don't really think you can help me on this one, but I would like to share something that's made me feel really sad, please! Please don't post anything mean, I don't think I can handle it this morning.

I have a DP with 2 young children, and an EW who's still very angry. They’ve been split for 2 years, we’ve been together for 1.5. He's been to court for contact and 'won' it, so from the start of the new year we've seen the children more and after a few wobbles where they’ve needed reassurance, it seems like both DC are happy with the arrangement and we have a lovely time with them. I’ve always got on well with them, and I’d say our relationship was good.

The older DC’s birthday (5th) is coming up (he’s very excited!) and last night their mum asked my DP if I was planning on going to his party. When he said I was, she went mental. She sent him messages saying how hurtful that was (to her, nothing to do with the children), and saying what a terrible person and father he was for allowing me to come, and then the piece de resistance. She sent him a video of the DC in question in which she asks him if he wants me to come to his party and he replies ‘Errrr…. No. No no no!’

It’s quite obvious that he’s only saying that because she has prompted him to, he must be able to sense that she’s not happy with me coming. He certainly wouldn’t spontaneously start talking about me coming or not, it wouldn’t even occur to him. Now I’m sure that she’s only done this because she’s very hurt & angry, but it’s made me feel so sad that she’s willing to put her child in this position, and possibly make him feel anxious/concerned about me or spending time with me for fear of upsetting his mummy. I had previously thought that him sometimes getting upset about coming to daddy’s was due to the change in routine, and uncertainty in his mind about whether he’ll ever see his mummy again- but now I think it’s clear that she’s playing a part in exacerbating this upset. If she’s willing to do this video malarkey, who knows what else she’s willing to do to try to undermine their relationship with their dad, and with me. It’s made me worry about our future relationship, if things are only getting worse not better.

I guess it also hurts that someone hates me this much. I’ve always tried to stay out of her way, and I’m very respectful of their relationship with her, and it smarts that this hasn’t made any difference.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Thanks.

[sothisisnew]

Sorry, it was Last who said the bit about the recent court thing.

Strong- on your point about me not having children with my DP- I haven't shared any information about his relationship with his ExW, them as people or their breakup, so Im going to respectfully disagree that you can draw any patterns of behaviour from it. But thanks for the warning.

[sothisisnew]

The1975 thank you. I am sensitive to her situation as I'm a human being with empathy, of course. However, I don't believe that because of what's happened she has the right to treat me disdain and hostility forever- I didn't cause what happened to her, and I am a person with my own feelings. The reason I put up with her being awful to/about me, is for my DP and the DC.

Lovely, thanks for your support. I do think that after this time she should be able to keep it together for the DC, though I accept that sometimes she won't be able to and will make allowances for it, of course.

Strong, I disagree that you can say that because of the court case it only just happened- the court case happened because of these very issues. She wouldn't let him see them in the week, wouldn't let him have holidays, and wouldn't alternate Christmases. You can't double count this by saying it's another traumatic thing that happened to her. I do think you're right in saying it was too early for my DP to suggest it, but I don't think that's a terrible crime- he said it, she reacted, he then said I wouldn't go. If he never suggested anything she didn't like, they'd never make any progress. However, I do agree on the therapy thing- at least in my situation for the grown ups concerned. I hope that in time they can maybe try mediation (again) to work on a more constructive parenting relationship.

General update: I saw the DC this week and they seemed fine. DS ran up to me to say 'it's my birthday tomorrow! Have you got me a present?' and then chatted about his party for the rest of the night. They're both young, I do believe it's possible for them to come out of all this mess relatively unscathed, but at the moment that very much depends on their mum.

[Lovely456]

I totally agree about the professional therapy. It sounds like it is needed in this case particularly.

[Strongvegetables]

No it’s not ok lovely but it happens in both sides.

Mums still upset over dad - let’s kid know
Dads moved on and wants his new gf to come to kids party

Both parents are putting the child in the middle and forcing them to make an uncomfortable choice. The new comer is always gonna lose out

I genuinely believe that when families split they should seek professional therapy as the kids carry a lot of the burden that the adults don’t realise.

Mum should not have pushed kid in to corner in the vid

Dad should not have pushed kid in corner over gf going to a child’s family birthday.

[swingofthings]

Or maybe he was trying not to hurt your feelings, swing, and he did want her there,
Maybe although unlikely in m y case as it wouldn't have hurt my feelings.

My point was that either way, no assumptions can be drawn. What worse for a kid is to know that one parent/step-parent is quick to blame the other for things not going how they like it.

[Lovely456]

So its ok for the mother to project her negativety onto her child because shes pissed off with the ex recently? (obviously you dont know that to be the case but even so) Hearing alot of excuses for the mother and its actually really sad. If someone is pissed off hurt or upset they have no right to project it onto other people. Particularly kids.

[Lastoftheusernames]

Lovely, the OP said they had very recently been to court. So it's not just about what happened 2 years ago - it's about what happened in the past few months.

Coming off the back of that, I honestly think it was unfair of the DF to put anyone in that position - OP included.

There are few couples who split and then happily hang out with their ex's new partners in the first few years. Believe me, even when they try hard the children can see right through it and it makes them feel horrible.

The video should not have happened, but I think the DF was being provocative by suggesting OP attend in the first place.

[Lovely456]

I disagree with you on the 2years, I had everything together well within 2years and so have any friends I have known even one after an affair. It is time to move on.
The kids shouldnt be used as collateral damage that is MY POINT the kids come FIRST always.
I also think 6 months is enough time to get over someone I dont think thats 'shacking up quickly.' People move on. No point hanging on to the past clinging onto all that negatively is as bad for the ex as it is to the people having to put up with it.

[Strongvegetables]

lovely two years is nothing in relation to a family breaking up. op met the bloke six months in to break up which tbh is still the confusion stage. Just because the mum should move on - doesn’t mean she can or that that the kids won’t be collateral damage

I’d be very Wary op about having kids with this man as a man that can quickly shack up with another woman so quickly just might do it to you and then maybe you’d have a real understanding of the situation

[Lovely456]

Perhaps the mother could be more wise and caring and realise that shes going to mess her kid up with the emotional abuse...

[Lastoftheusernames]

If he had been wise and caring enough to think about what was best for everyone rather than himself, perhaps the DF would never have suggested that OP attend the party, thus avoiding causing any offence or hurt to OP, DC or their DM.

[Lovely456]

Strongvegetables, they have been split up 2 years, It is time the ex moved on, It is time she stop putting her negative feelings on her child. Its really not fair on the child. I wish some bitter mothers would realise this. I have been on both sides of the fence and I have to say I would alway put my kids first.

[sothisisnew]

Hi Stonrg- I'm not sure what you want me to do.... but rest assured everyone, I am not going to the party!

[Strongvegetables]

sothisis you night think there is room for you but they might not. And not in a nasty way either. Look at the damage in the relationship, still raw pain in their mother, if adults struggle to deal with it why are kids expected to have a better grasp of the situation?

You’ve not had a family break down - they don’t clear up in six- twelve months, folk just don’t ‘move on’ . It’s complicated and complex and something you will never understand till you’ve suffered it. Men however move on pretty quickly!

Seen all the men around me that broke up with their wives move on pretty quick, start new families/have multiple girlfriends while the mother has to deal with the fall out months and years down the line. It really isn’t ‘dad doesn’t live here any more- let’s move on’ untold damage gets done especially when courts get involved.

If your step son sees his mum upset about it, I can guarantee he will not want you there. If his mum is manipulating him the worst thing his dad can do is push on regardless, he has obviously moved on but his ex and his kids haven’t. Just because they may seem fine in the surface doesn’t mean they really are.

I’m not judging you or trying to be a dick but I don’t think some Stepmums understand the magnitude of taking on a bloke with a family sometimes.

[Strongvegetables]

kaya becAuse clearly it’s a very different situation

[SandyY2K]

The video was awful. How very damaging to her DC.

Sadly people seem to think about themselves and not the children in these situations.

[Lovely456]

I think the birthday party is actually the least of the worry here but for what its worth my dh does separate celebrations. The childs mental health is most important here, that is being ruined by the mother, I dont actually think some people have a clue about how messed up a child can get from a situation like this, It can cause anxiety issues, and ruin a childs bond with their parent as they struggle to know what to do trying to be loyal to their Mum. Its too much stress for little ones to take emotionally and its totally wrong.

[KayaG]

My divorced niece always has her ex and his now wife at the children's parties. She wasn't the OW and is a lovely person who is better in some ways (more patient) with the children than her ex and they love her. Why wouldn't she be invited?

[Balearica]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I have never seen a new partner come to a child's birthday party and my kids are late teens now so we have been to quite a few birthday parties with divorced parents. It has always been the parents minus partners. I don't actually think that is odd.

However nice the step parent is, the children just want their parents there.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I don’t think it’s called for that she bitches about you though.

Long term. Think of how you can best protect yourself.

[sothisisnew]

Thanks Magda.
I know exactly what you mean about dads giving up, I saw a glimpse of it when my DP was at his lowest during the court case. To be told that you're a terrible person & a terrible parent who has 'abandoned' his children to a lifetime of unhappiness, over and over again, you can start to believe it.
It's a horrible situation for everyone involved.

[Magda72]

Hi op - I so hear you & you sound lovely with a really good handle on things.
Unfortunately some women (& men) are so wrapped up in their own pain they just will not let their exes go & the poor kids end up being used as pawns.
My dps ex is the same as yours & all I can do is stand back. When I do that she then tells the kids that I’m not accepting of them & that I want their dad as a dad to my own kids. Honestly - neither dp or I can win with that women as she is determined to not let go.
I have two male members in my extended family who walked away from contact with exes & dc. I could never understand how they could do that (& I still don’t think it’s right) until I encountered dps ex. One of these men told me he thought it was the best thing to do for the kids as they were being used as weapons.
The misery dps ex tries to inflict on everyone including the kids is just awful.
I’ve no words of advice but just wanted to say I understand & to send you a hug.💐

[sothisisnew]

Thank you Lovely456, I really appreciate you saying that

[Lovely456]

Of course there is, sothisisnew, You sound like you are handling It all really well as far as your role goes.
I would say the kids are very lucky.