AIBU and overreacting - feel like partner and DSS have disrespected me

[ClaireH77]

We have my partner's DSD and DSS every other weekend. We have been together 3 years but I was only able to meet them a year ago. Simply put their mum despises me - but it's a long story to go into. Partner and I now have an 8 week old DD together.

DSS is 8 and refuses to eat any vegetables, he is also a very fussy eater! A few months ago, partner, DSS and I agreed to try something we has seen on tv and during a Sunday dinner cooked about 9 different vegetables for him to try with the plan of him selecting a few that he liked so he could have a little of them in the future. On the day in question he caused quite a fuss. We talked rationally but explained that if he wouldn't even try, then he wouldn't get dessert. He doesn't ever eat much of his food, but always wants dessert - and I know that's just part of being a kid. He made up his mind that he already didn't like any of them and that of course they were poison. Upshot being he got no dessert. Partner drove the kids home and took some mini doughnuts with him for himself. It crossed my mind that he might give DSS some, but I hoped not.

Today DSS very smugly revealed that he had been given a doughnut and therefore got dessert that day. He also said that I had stopped him having dessert on multiple occasions. This isn't true, as it was only the once but he insisted that I, not We, had done this. There have been other comments over the past few weeks too.

AIBU that I feel betrayed and disrespected by my partner. Before we got together I had major trust issues and now I feel really let down by him. We had agreed how to parent his children in our house but now I feel undermined. DSS questions most things I ask him to do, such as not using his iPod whilst having dinner. This just felt like a smug secret they had that was dropped on me. I'm worried I'm blowing it out of proportion but it's a big deal to me. Especially when their mummy has made me out to be the wicked witch and said mean things to them about our DD's name.

Don't be upset by the bitch posts, OP. Step mothers rarely get a fair go here. So many bitter women projecting their own hatred.

Your DH did disrespect you and needs to apologise.

TBH is be a bit annoyed if my DCs SM was doing all this stuff with their meal

I’d be more annoyed at my ex, who despite having his children round for contact was leaving his new partner to do the parenting.

Just realised it was you & DP that made the meal plan, I read it as DSS being a part of the planning 😬 Changes my slant slightly re the food thing because you sprung it on him (not just you, both of you).

You are trying to be a good parent so I can understand why you would be upset, I would buy a massive cake for him and totally go the opposite way! Your husband shouldn't make you be the bad person! If he wants to make him eat veg let him do it himself! In front of husband say 'oh let them have some chocolate', when I was younger my step mum used to have a chocolate drawer and I would eat LOADS! Never did me any harm and helped me get along with her I think! Buy them some easter eggs or chocolate treats! Last thing you need is the children's mum telling everyone you are not feeding her children! (even though I think you did the right thing don't think they would have explained it to their mum that way)

Step parents never get support on here. I would stop cooking when they are there and let your partner do it. Also let him do the weekend shop to. That way your get a weekend off and can not be blamed for anything.

Your DSS is with his father 2 days out of 14, right? That's way too little to be able to effect any kind of change in his diet - things like that need to be consistent, incremental and gentle.

Ideally his father should work out any veg or - more likely - fruits - that he will eat, and keep those in plentiful supply. Also model good eating habits (not like doughnuts in the car). But that's up to him to do, not you.

Honestly take a big step back.
It is not worth the stress, you can leave dss diet to his parents and why not you be the good guy from now on. Tell dp he does the food planning and cooking from now on, you are on dessert duty. That is always fun!
Discipline issues - dp sorts it out, then you can’t be at odds about how he is raised. I would become the happy jolly one in all this and not allow the poisonous dynamics to upset you. He has two parent already - enjoy your baby and forget the doughnut (that is guilt and not wanting ds to be returned to his mother upset )

I think you need to step back from parenting the steps, and tell your partner why.

I've had my stepsons in my life since they were 4 and 2, 8 years now, and I am still very much second chair. It sucks sometimes, because you still get plenty of the skivvy work to do, but ultimately they are not my kids, and it needs to be their dad's call. Or their mum's, of course. I'm just there to back up his decisions. It does mean in all those years I have never had "you're not my mum" thrown at me, other than in jest when someone has said mum by accident.

You tried to do the right thing so please don't feel upset.
I would focus on your baby and leave your DP to parent his kids. You will never get any credit from the kids, or their mother, for getting them to eat veg or anything else either. Leave them to it.
You sound very lovely.

As a SM to 4DSCs for over 10 years I wish I’d not tried so hard in the early years. My advice to you is to smile and make absolutely no comment about what your DSS eats. If his DF wants him to eat vegetables- he’s the one to say something at the table.

For the next few visits I’d get your DP to make the meals. It’ll show your DSS that men can and do cook, which is a useful life lesson anyway. It will also take away a stick from your DSS of refusing ‘your’ food. Plus, your DP can know what it feels like to have something you’ve put time and effort into, being rejected.

Don’t let this be an issue with your DSS. Pick your battles. Food shouldn’t be one.

I would be having a talk pdq with your DP about him not undermining you in future though.

Hi @ClaireH77 - I really feel for you.
As people often say on here what I think you have is a dp issue.
He asked you to coparent, you obliged, he then didn't want to be seen as the bad guy, capitulated, & left you hanging out to dry. Yarbu to feel betrayed by him & you do need to speak to him about this. If he's asking you to coparent then he needs to stick by the joint decisions you thought you were making!
The problem with step parenting is that you are expected to parent without being let parent how you see fit & that's why sms/sfs are advised to step back.
I have 3 ss's all teens. One eats anything when we're out but finds fault with anything I cook! The other two are fussy eaters with one in particular refusing all veg or "foreign" food.
Thing is my kids eat everything.
So, when I'm cooking for all of us I only make one meal - sometimes it's stuff that my kids will favour like a curry (but I'll make it very mild) & sometimes it's plainer food geared towards ss's. If they don't eat it I leave the handling of that to dp & explain that everyone needs a turn re their favorite food.
It's a total pain & it frustrates dp no end. Sometimes he'll cook something else for them & other times he'll tell them they're being unreasonable (if it's something he knows they normally eat).
I think their diet is woeful but I just don't get involved - it's not worth the hassle & at the end of the day I'm not their mother.
However I will say the eldest (17) has gotten much better & now asks me for nutritional advice & has stopped eating junk altogether.
Explain how you're feeling to your dp & then leave him & his ds to it.
I read an article recently (can't rem where) whereby a child psychologist said that food refusal is the first battle ground of the child & if given in to (big difference between genuine dislike & trying to control) the child sees it as their victory & will progress to trying to control many other family dynamics. He maintains very few kids dislike as many foods as they say they do; that's it's attention seeking behaviour which works as parents will fret & fuss if their kids don't eat.
Not sure how true this is but it's food (no pun intended) for thought.

I agree with MachineBee. Whilst it’s hard to see a joint decision being blamed on you just smile and wave in front of your dss. I’d be having a word with your do that you felt totally undermined by what he did.

On future visits still put the veg on his plate but don’t say anything if he doesn’t eat it. He will be testing you and pushing to see how far and what he can get away with.

I also like the idea of his dad doing some of the cooking. If his dad wants to deny him dessert that’s his choice but let it be from him not you, though I would suggest as part of the conversation you have with him you talk about food as punishment/reward not being a great idea.

Also when things have calmed down a bit get him involved in meal planning and making the food, whether it’s main meal a starter or dessert. It gets him involved and is fun thing to do.

Ignore the comments about your baby’s name. The child probably feels under huge pressure to be loyal to his mum and his dad so you’re the one who gets the brunt of his anger. Doesn’t mean he can get away with what he likes. He can’t be rude or disrespectful to you and I would stick with the no ipod/phones/tablets at the table but maybe let him pick some music to listen to whilst eating.

How do you get on with Dad?
I know pizza express do parties where the kids make their own pizzas, not sure of you could do that for just a small group of your family, even if all he makes is a margarita he’s made it and it’s fun. Does he like sushi? Yo Sushi do a sushi school where you learn how to make your own.

Sorry that was supposed to say how do you get on with Dsd

OP
I think you are confusing some issues that can or can’t be modified.
Food issues can be incredibly complex and with respect you have only known this child a year so can’t know him well at all. Also for most of that time you were pregnant with his half sibling. So I would tell your dp and dss that he won’t be forced to eat food he doesn’t like neither will dessert be withheld. However meals will be one choice only and something that you all will eat with veg and other accompaniments by choice. There will not be additional or different meals cooked /provided for dss separate from the family, Meals will be offered and when he has eaten what he wanted dessert will be offered. However there will then be nothing between meals other than fruit. You and dp will work to buy/meal plan meals suitable for him and the rest of your family.
Odd treats when out and about like the donut well meh.

Table manners iPads at the table etc is a different issue and easier to manage - just say we don’t have them here and get your dp to back you up.

I would tell DP to do the shopping and cooking - it’s more frustrating if you go to all the effort and then its wasted. And the responsibility for providing healthy meals lies with him. You must be busy with baby anyway.

It's not about stepmothers not getting support. What's to support here?

OP you hardly see this child really, and have only known him for 1 year. He already has a mother. Those 2 things alone should have made you see common sense; that you don't need to be fussing about his food, he doesn't need you to make him eat his veg. What for? Let his mum and dad get on with that, if they want to. Your DH probably agreed to keep the peace, as you'd go on about it if he didn't.

You have to pick your battles wisely or you'll make a rod for your own back. What's the point. Leave the boy alone, the veg issue simply isn't important enough to get upset about. As he doesn't see dad so much, the onus being upon fun as opposed to food faff, is perfectly ok.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My DH has a DS with an ex partner and the ex doesn't like me (she's made that clear despite my best efforts). She feeds the DS with poor quality food that I personally find ethically questionable and unhealthy. Ultimately that's fine in her household because by nature it's her household, however in MY household I'm not prepared to put that sort of fuel into a little 7yo body.

It crushes me that all DSS favourite foods are processed mass produced meats and cheap white carbs. I take my role in this to try and copy the food he likes in healthier versions and a 9 veg buffet is absolutely something I'd try - after all, how else would you find out that said boy LOVES roast cauliflower. My problem is similar - I feel undermined by DH when he gives DSS sweets before dinner and fills him with fizzy drinks. It's clearly "dad guilt" but if I've spent an hour cooking and DSS then isn't hungry because he's eaten a whole pack of strawberry laces I feel like telling the pair of them to go elsewhere for their food (I am the sole cook). We've talked about it and we are trying to fix it - for example DSS will ask DH for sweets before dinner but only I will know where the sweets will be kept, so DH/DSS has to ask me and my answer is no sweets! Dinner in an hour! He can have some after dinner.

My feedback is....what you've done was good natured and you were trying to be good. I think we have to accept that if the DC/DSC is not living mainly in your home, they will bring their mothers attitude to food with them. You can only try to help because one day you'll probably get a pang of pride when DC eats some veg voluntarily. I personally take to hiding vegetables in food with a blender to ease my conscience.

Your DP probably didn't even think it might undermine you - I think being worried about being undermined is a very "step mother" emotion and it's really tough. We only have so much scope for enforcing rules even if it's our house! I pick the big ones that bother me most - respectful behaviour to my ageing dog and meal time manners!! Tackle one thing at a time, let DP know it bothered you but give him the chance to put it right next time...or try not to place yourself in a position where you might oppose one of his parenting choices.

Thank you for the messages, some are really useful and full of good ideas, that I will take on board and I will definitely step back now. I will try to ignore some that feel like a personal attack - I didn't realise the tone of some in the forum before posting, another life lesson. 😊

Just wanted to clarify that DSS was included in the plan to try the different foods, he actually agreed to it without any pressure. If you don't want to believe me, that's your choice but I know the three of us talked about it. DP and I watched the tv programme together and thought it was a good idea to try the technique of an array of vegetables to find something he might like, on the programme they said it gave children ownership of choosing. Withholding dessert wasnt on the programme and I see that this wasn't a good idea.

DSD (11) and I get on well and there are no issues between us. DP and I have spoken about this now, I totally understand why he did it as he didn't want the return journey to end on a bad note, but he also gets that he should have told me at the time.

You’ll get there. It’s frustrating as you know you want what’s best for your dss in the long run. Unfortunately he’s 8 and wants what he wants now. And you are the big bad step mother as you are stopping it (in his eyes).

Keep communicating with your dh and let him know you support him in what he wants to do and that you will back him up but he needs to back you up and not make you out to be the bad one when he can’t stick to his decisions.

Remember it’s still a very new thing for all of you and there will be many bumps

The kids are lucky to have you

I know which programme you mean OP

In fairness I think the only reason it was successful was because they had tv cameras filming the whole thing

As a SM I wouldn’t get involved with food and DSCs. Partly because the general advice is to not mix stress, coercion with food, and partly because I do think it’s overbearing from a SM.

It’s too much.

For me SM roles are about household harmony:
Manners - yes.
Household chores - yes.
Behaviour - yes.
House rules - yes.
Self care e.g,brushing teeth - yes.

Decisions about School - no
Decisions about clothes, make up - no
What they eat, when they sleep - no

By all means keep putting selections of veg on offer. But no coercion, no stress.

I get what's being said by others about the SM having different roles and it's something I'm still learning and will continue to learn...but...I do think I should have a say over what DSC eats in my house (and when he goes to bed - I can see when he's getting tired and teasy but DH can't!), but when it goes slightly beyond common rules of behaviour, the reinforcement of good behaviour or 'disciplining' should fall to DH/DP.

DH and I live a healthy active lifestyle and we are very careful about the food we eat - if I'm buying an organic chicken for myself I'm not going to buy some horrendous reconstituted piece of cage farmed battered bird for him. DH also thinks the diet of DSC is poor, and as I'm The Cook I'm the one that has to be responsible for any change (given that DH nor I wish to see the child eating a poor fast food based diet). And I'm okay with that because I know DH couldn't do it on his own but is in support of it.

Again, OFFERING healthy food cannot be wrong - it's perhaps just denying the dessert that was the issue, but that's super easy to fix and move on from. Bribing them to eat veg doesn't work, you just have to make it the nicest option available. But don't feel beaten, and please don't be put off in offering healthy food and continuing to find ways to broaden the DSCs food horizon by making those offers, but trying to also respect that if a child is eating poorly the rest of the time their tastebuds will be attuned to that type of food. Sometimes baking and roasting brings out the sweetness which can go down well, or covering in sauce so it tastes of the sauce (cauli cheese or tomato-veg bake with cheesy crunchy crusts). OF COURSE children should be encouraged to eat healthily...of course you should care. It's impossible to ignore that if it's something you care about yourself.

I think these situations aren't straightforward - in mine, DH was dumped by his ex (with a hell of a lot of history including an older child who he was told was his for 7 years, but wasn't) and DH mourns the loss of any influence over DSCs life, so by offering food that the ex does not offer, we merely seek to expand the food horizons of DSC. I offered the ex the opportunity to meet to discuss with me how she'd like me to reinforce her parenting whilst DSC is at DH/my house, how he eats/sleeps/rules etc. She initially agreed to this but soon said she didn't want to communicate with me and didn't want me disciplining "her" children. Of course ironically now they are both my step children, and given the total lack of any input from her I just treat them as I think is reasonable whilst they are in my house.

And I think the idea that you don't get a say because you've only known the child for a year is a bit mad...you're not an inanimate door mat. Children know if you aren't putting your heart and soul in. I'd rather try wholeheartedly and get involved and maybe get a few things wrong (after all, inheriting a ready made child is a big deal if you haven't had it from birth to learn about) than totally step back and let everything slide by. Don't give up, SM-ing is tough x

Yeah regardless of the step family issues I wouldn't want to set up a scenario where eating vegetables equates to being something worthy of a reward. To be be fair I rarely do desserts.