Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Still haven’t met my boyfriends son.

23 replies

Lekmvmc · 03/02/2018 18:02

Hi.
I’m 24 and a mum to a 4 year old girl.

I met my boyfriend (35) about 6 months ago and he has met my LG and is brilliant with her, she loves him also...
But, I still haven’t met his son, who is 10.
He asks me to go round when he’s in bed which at weekends is sometimes past 11pm, also he says that if his son was to see me there then “what happens, happens” but if the slightest footstep goes off upstairs he runs up there to make sure he doesn’t come downstairs...
should i just be more patient or should I be worried?
Thanks

OP posts:

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 03/02/2018 18:04

I would guess he doesn't want the news delivered to his ex that he has moved on...

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 03/02/2018 18:06

If he doesn’t want you to meet him then it’s weird that he’s letting you go round there. After 6 months you both (the son and you) need to know whether you like each other, because if you don’t get along then the relationship is going nowhere. You’ll be forever confined to late night booty calls.

I’m all for being cautious and not introducing every date as a new parent, but he’s obviously not too fussed if he’s already met and spent time with yours.

Original poster

Lekmvmc · 03/02/2018 18:08

Exactly my thoughts! I just find it all a little odd and not sure what to make of it all.. I’ve asked him about it but he’s quite closed off and I don’t get much out of the conversation ..
He has met mine and brilliant with her. I was cautious introducing them but he really wanted to meet her (after 2 months) yet, I still haven’t met his.

OP posts:

Afternooncatnap · 03/02/2018 18:11

Maybe he made him up. Have you seen about a boy? Hugh Grant makes up his son Ned to get women.

Original poster

Lekmvmc · 03/02/2018 18:14

Haha he is 100% not made up, I’ve seen photos, his Instagram account his bedroom heard him on the phone when he speaks in the background etc. Just haven’t exactly met him! Hope he’s not doing a Hugh grant

OP posts:

ClaryFray · 03/02/2018 18:19

I'd be concerned OP. Ask him.

Or just pop round one afternoon. Or invite them both out. Dinner or something?

Original poster

Lekmvmc · 03/02/2018 18:26

I’ve suggested everything, going out for dinner, going cinema, bonfire night.. all I get in response is “yeah I’ll let you know” then don’t hear anything.
It’s strange because he’s given me a key to his house And everything else is fine. It’s just this...

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 19:17

Maybe he wants to see how long term the relationship will be before he introduces you.

He probably wanted to see if he got on with your DD first. I think 2 months was quick tbh...but your decision.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/02/2018 19:21

He's taking the piss expecting you to go round his after 11 at night. Why are you doing that?
Also, massive double standards if he pushed to meet your child but won't let you meet his. Again, I'm not sure why you have let this happen.
Be careful you are not just a convenirnt fuckbuddy.

Original poster

Lekmvmc · 03/02/2018 19:27

Oh I don’t go round if it’s that late it’s just an expamle of the times he’s texts saying “he’s gone bed you can come now”
I also think it’s taking the piss so that’s for that! Lol.
Exactly my concerns. I mean when he hasn’t got his son which is every other week for a full week he spends all his time with me etc I’m not expecting to spend every min of every day together but to see him during the day at the weekend isn’t much to ask after all this time I don’t think

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/02/2018 19:30

I think you need to have a frank decision, whereby he is either in a relationship with you or he isn't. If he is, then you start acting like a proper couple and meet his child, spend time together all 4 of you. If not, then I'd move on. I think it's really bad that he is expecting you to fit totally around his life/wishes.

Original poster

Lekmvmc · 03/02/2018 19:35

Thank you!
I don’t want to seem unreasonable with him if it was to end for those reasons but I’ve tried everything I can to get us together to spend time together but it just gets brushed aside most of the time but he’s happy going out just me him and my little girl..
double standards for sure. Now to try and explain it without sounding like I’m “nagging” ha

OP posts:

Pogmella · 03/02/2018 19:52

I think 6 months might be a bit fast. Could you frame the discussion around agreeing a date rather than meeting him ASAP? Agree seems unfair he's met your girl but two wrongs don't make well adjusted kids and all that...

Original poster

Lekmvmc · 03/02/2018 19:57

I mean I’m not saying I want to meet him tonight. It’s just the secretive things that are bothering me as a whole..

OP posts:

swingofthings · 03/02/2018 20:19

If he thinks that it is too early for your son to meet you, he should say so. I too wonder whether it has anything to do with this ex...

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/02/2018 20:27

There's no such thing as nagging - that's an awful thing that men accuse women of, when they want to shut down a discussion. You are saying something they don't want to hear!
Your voice is equal to his. Don't forget that. If you are in a situation where you feel you have to keep saying the same thing and you are not listened to, then he is not for you.

Naillig222 · 03/02/2018 20:34

6 months isn’t long at all. I didn’t introduce my son to any man I was seeing until I met someone I knew was ‘the one’. Even at that, it was longer than six months before I introduced them.

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 22:11

I agree ...6 months isn't long.... introducing him to your DD after 2 months was too early.

I know the 11 years between you is an okay age gap... but he's likely to have a lot more life experience than you...and can make you do things you arent quite ready to.

There's not a chance he'll let you meet his son before he's good and ready.

You're a bit younger than him.... he doesnt know if you have the maturity for this .... he may not actually see youy as long term relationship material at this stage. He may not be looking for a very serious relationship either.

If I was you...I'd keep him away from your DD until he's prepared to introduce you to his son.

You can see him when she's not around and tell her he's been busy. Be careful letting her her get attached to men like this.... you need to know How serious it is or her memories will be of meeting a few of mum's BFs.

LoverOfCake · 04/02/2018 10:26

There’s somewhat of a difference though between ten and four. While as a rule I don’t think that six months is too soon, I do think that on the whole four year olds are more adaptable than ten year olds and that ten is that sort of in between age where it’s not as easy to introduce a new partner as it is at say four or five where they don’t pay as much attention to the details and twelve/teens where they know their parents are dating and are unlikely to be too bothered if they meet a potential new partner and it doesn’t work out.

I would ask about introductions along the lines of where he thinks the relationship is going and whether he’sn holding off introductions because of that and if not, why else.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/02/2018 10:27

Yes, I do agree that you should keep your dd away from him until you are certain the relationship is going somewhere.

The thing that is concerning me here is that if he thinks 6 months is too soon to meet his child, why did he push to meet yours? Is it because it makes life easier for him - he can see you whenever it suits him, rather than having to wait until your child is elsewhere? If that's the case then he isn't thinking about what is on your best interests, only his own.
The age gap is important - he has had an extra 11 years of life experience. He knows how to put himself first and I think it is maybe at your expense.

Changedmynameo · 04/02/2018 10:31

I don’t think 6 months is long, and on the other side of it I wouldn’t be happy with my children being introduced to a woman my ex has been seeing for that amount of time.
It appears he has respect for his ex and his child’s best interest in mind. Can’t be a bad thing

HeddaGarbled · 04/02/2018 10:33

6 months is too soon to know whether this is going to be a long term relationship or not. I'm worried that you say that your daughter loves him already. I think you need to guard against this in case you break up. Slow down the new family stuff - as far as she's concerned, he should just be a family friend at this stage.

Original poster

Lekmvmc · 04/02/2018 10:45

So, we spoke last night with no real explanation as to why I haven’t even been mentioned..
I get that as a 10 year old it’s hard to adjust etc but his mum has already introduced him to her new partner after a month (which I think is too soon) and he doesn’t seem bothered he tells his dad he likes him!
It does seem convenient that he has met mine etc. Also when I say she loves him, not literally. She loves everybody! I meant they get on really well..
thanks for the advice. I’m going to keep distance when my little girl is with me for a bit and see how things go..
x

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread