Refusing to do drop offs....

[bitzy12]

Dhs ex is refusing to do drop offs unless we give her more maintenance. She's moved 25 miles away and now claims she can not afford the petrol. Dh has been doing both journeys for ages now but it's getting really difficult. He has another child (younger) which lives 20 miles away in the opposite direction! He has a arrangement with that child's mother that is usually stuck too, they do one journey each and it sort of works. She does every now and then change it to suit her needs though.

The eldest child has started moaning (she's 14) that her dad never does anything for her, that he collects her too late in the night etc and puts her step sibling first. This is only because the mother is refusing to do any of the drop offs even though it was her choice to move. Dh comes for her every weekend but only at the time he can due to work and the fact he has another child to collect.

She gets her maintenance every week (the correct amount according to csa) and also extra bits like school uniform/trips etc.

Dh is such a good dad to both his kids but he cannot keep traveling 2.5 hours every Friday night. I help him out where I can.

The eldest child has now also started to have sleep overs etc on a Friday night and announces she's not coming last minute. That's fair enough, we know she needs to see her friends. Especially as she's relatively new to the area. No issues with that at all. But dh is then expected to be able to pick her up on the Saturday. We make plans, my son goes to a club on a Saturday. We are just expected to re arrange everything because it's been changed - and not by us. We only have one car.

Every weekend is just becoming an issue regarding this and now dh has had some abuse from the eldests mother that he isn't putting their daughter first and the daughter is really upset about it. Dh has the plan in place with the other mother regarding the younger child and it works. He cannot change that. She decided to move so she could at least be able to drop her daughter off but she won't unless we give her more money.

It's either that or she's collected at 9pm on a Friday night which is what time he eventually gets to her after collecting his other child. Then he drives all the way back and the 3 of them get in at about 9.45pm. He drives through 3 different counties in total.

The youngest child is 4 and the mother is now moaning at dh as her child is getting home too late - which I agree with but what can we do?

The only option is to have one child every other weekend but then that means his kids would never see each other.

I really feel for dh, he tries so hard with his kids and does everything he can for them but he's just stuck in the middle.

Just to be clear, when she moved, she did say she would do one drop off. It was fine, not a problem etc etc. That's why this is so frustrating. Dh still has the text from her saying that she would it was no problem. It's happened 3 times in the last 4 months that's they've moved.

Basically my question is does petrol account for child maintenance? We can not afford to pay her anymore but if it means her actually being able to drop off her daughter then it might be worth it just for some peace. The eldests mother isn't going to budge on this. It's basically either 'give me more money', 'do both journeys to collect your daughter' or 'don't bother seeing your daughter anymore'

When she lived 5 mins away from us, she never used to collect her or drop her off but that wasn't an issue, she was 5 minutes away.

She never even told dh they were moving until 2 weeks before. She put her in a new school and everything and dh had no idea. The daughter wasn't allowed to say anything about it.

Anyway rant over, I'm just so annoyed as now dh has suggested i change arrangements with my child just so it could make things slightly easier for him. I'm not doing that, my son is disabled and has a set routine in place and there's no chance I am changing that just because the mothers of his children are so bloody difficult. I do everything i can for him and his kids but my son having his routine changed is a step too far.

This sounds untenable and completely unreasonable on the mothers part. Contact isn’t for the dad, it’s for the child to see the dad and the mother should help facilitate that. She moved, she should do pick ups and drop offs.

Personally I think both parents should do pick ups and drop offs.

Yes, the cost can be deducted from CSA / CMS maintaince. It needs to equate to £10 a week (if you factor in the number of round trips x the number of visits per year x 45p a mile divided by 52 weeks a year you can calculate the cost).

This is a node of contention for us too. In 5.5 years my OH’s EW hasn’t done one pick up or drop off. She point blank refuses. Says why should she?

Do you have a court ordered contact order? My OH intends to go back to court this year to ask for her to do some of the pick ups and drop offs (I should add my OH works full time, she only works 16 hours a week). At present my OH doesn’t deduct travel but he is considering it - it equates to £2,300 a year. So no you don’t have to pay her more (how greedy of her). Can it be decided in court?

He's never been to court over it. She took him to court over maintenance and he ended up having to pay her 2k because she said they had split up and they hadn't. They were back together for a year but she refused to let him move back in because she wanted to 'slow things down'

At that point he was giving her a lot of his wages but in cash (this is going back years ago, he didn't have internet banking at the time) so there was no proof. She ended things with him and took him to court over not paying maintenance :-( that was a long time ago.

I think Court is the way to go - honestly for both mothers. They don't speak to each other but make it their plan in life to give him the hardest time as possible. And he's a good dad! That's what frustrates me. There's nothing more he can do for them but it's not enough.

The younger child's mother expects dh to drive and see him every night after work. Half the time he doesn't finish until late but she expects him to just say to his boss 'I need to spend time with my child so I'm leaving early'

His job does not work like that, he cannot just leave when he wants lol. She's very bitter and jealous (still has feelings for dh) but to be fair does her share of dropping off.

The other one doesn't care less about dh but does absolutely nothing to help him out. She's all about money.

Honestly the pair of them are awful x

Court is the only way. My OH went through 2 years of hell with his EW as she used the children as weapons against him. They now have a court ordered contact order so everyone knows were they stand and she can’t control. The only thing not clear is the pick ups and drop offs. She’s been asked twice and she’s kicked off. So asking a judge to decide is the only way.

Maintenance and contact are completely separate. Children aren’t pay per view. You and the mother have to separate these.

So it's a money issue? In that case, I think the best thing would be to agree on every other week-end (not clear why this would mean not seeing the other children), and share the costs half.

Is public transport not a possibility? Doesn't resolve the issue of cost, but would certainly make it easier for everyone and at 14, she should be able to get on a bus/train.

She would have to get 3 buses to get to us, it would probably take her the same amount of time as it would for dh to collect her. Dh suggested busss but the reply he got was 'oh so your happy for your child to be on her own on a Friday night?'

I'm honestly trying not to get involved and I'll back dh whatever but I'm not re arranging my plans with my sons dad (who I get on relatively well with) for these women. Plus it wouldn't work for my ex anyway.

The sad part of all this is dsd doesn't even like being here lol. She just moans she bored and wants to be with her friends. Expects us to go on days out which we cannot afford. I honestly think she just looks at her dad as a £ sign which is not the case. We are skint. So now she goes in her room and we don't see her for a lot of the time she's here.

Court does sound like the best option. I will suggest it to dh but don't want it to sound like I'm taking over.

Alternate weekend so one weekend he has the older daughter, the next he has the younger one.

Maybe the best option is the older one does just come every other weekend but then she will moan that dh spends more time with the younger child than her.

Oh I don't know what the answer is, I just don't like it that these women use their child as a weapon

AND dh has just rang, turns out the eldest child mother is on a night out tomorrow night so dh has to get her or she will be home all night on her own.....just gets better.....

I really wouldn’t let this woman make her problems yours.

Tell her that you have consulted CM and have been advised that your dps fuel costs can be deducted from her maintenance. Give her the opportunity to respond. Then just deduct the cost.

She won’t like that!

@QuiteLikely5 that's actually a very good idea. Thanks.

So you think she should do all the running about during the week,and on a weekend now when it's your husband's time? And when will your husband make an effort?

'oh so your happy for your child to be on her own on a Friday night?'
Why would she be on her own? Would you be home and he would be back after picking up the youngest?

3 buses is quite a lot, but could she take two and he picks her up at the bus stop of the 2nd?

Tell her that you have consulted CM and have been advised that your dps fuel costs can be deducted from her maintenance.
Is this the case though as it used to be so only of the distance was significant, ie. 100+ miles, not 25.

No, I think because she decided to move, she cannot just expect my dh to change the plans he has with his other child to re adjust her move. That's not fair. He had no say in them moving - which is fine, he shouldn't necessarily have a say - but he cannot just be expected to be able to travel when the other arrangements have always been in place for the last 4 years.

She also should never have said 'I'll do one of the drop offs' then not do it. If she was honest from the start then something else could of possibly been sorted.

It is not fair to move so far away and expect dh to just be able to change everything. He doesn't ever moan about the extra petrol it costs yet she demands more money from us? Even if we gave her extra, she still wouldn't do the drop off. We can't even afford to give her anymore. She wants an extra £20 per week......then she will do it. No chance

@swingofthings sorry I should re word that. She means happy for her to be alone in 2 separate towns on a Friday night. Dsd has already said she won't get buses as she's too scared. But yes dh could pick her up from out nearest town which would save her the last bus to ours. Depending on the time. Ideally she could set off straight after school then dh could probably get her on his way home from work before even picks up the other child. That would be great if that could work.....but she's too scared according to the daughter and the mother. To be fair she is a very shy child and is absolutely scared of everything. She has to make sure the doors are locked on a night and sleep with a light on etc etc so she probably would be very scared being alone on a bus on a Friday night.

I'm home after 8pm on a Friday.

@Notwithabang - why shouldn’t the mother do some of the pick ups and drop offs? Contact is for the child. It’s hardly fair that dad does everything?

The mother moved away (not the dad). The child is 14 - she hardly needs running around after. Most dads would love to see their kids more during the week (and run around after them). I hardly think asking the mum (who chose to move away and has caused the issue) to do a pick up / drop off is a great inconvenience to her. She does it to be difficult.

My OH’s EW refuses to do any. She works PT - doesn’t work on a Mon or Fri. My OH works FT in the city and has to take the train to work. EW won’t even drop the children off at the station for my OH to pick them up (the 10 min walk on a day she doesn’t work is too much of an inconvenience). So my OH wakes up at 5:30am on a Friday - drives a car to the station near the mothers house (an hour away). Then has to take the train into work (an hour). Works for the day. Takes the train back to the station near the mothers house (an hour). Picks the children up and drives home (an hour). All that because the mother is difficult and frankly can’t be arsed. So yes, I do think the mother is unreasonable. It’s hardly an inconvenience for her to do one pick up and drop off in 5.5 years or walk the kids 10 mins to a station? I call it selfish.

Thank you @NorthernSpirit, seems we are in a similar situation. I really feel for your dh, he must be shattered. I should add that we used to have dsd 2 nights through the week too when she lived 5 mins away so contact has been dropped too.

I know being a single mum is hard, it really is but it's not an excuse to be a bitch and make things difficult. She has no feelings left for dh, we even invited her to our wedding and I've always got on really well with her. It's such a shame it's come to this.

Have you posted before having you? Your dh has two DD at the opposite ends of the country? Sounds like a typical teenager who wants to be socialising with friends rather then travelling all weekend to go to another town.

No not opposite ends of the country lol. One lives precisely 26 mins from our house one way, the other lives now about 40 mins away in the complete opposite direction. We all live in different counties.

@bitzy12 - some women (and men) are just difficult and you will never change them. It’s a power thing on their part.

My OH’s EW has also signed the kids up for football (without consulting my OH). Training and matches fall on his time but it’s now getting ridiculous.

So in addition to the 4 hour commute on a Friday he does. He has to take one to football training Fri night, so they arrive home at 9pm.

Football training for the other one on a Sat - so 2 hours round trip for that.

On a Sunday football matches (2) so they leave at 8am and my other half takes them and he gets home at 5:30pm.

I’m not against kids doing activities and hobbies, but..... I don’t see them all weekend and my OH (who is in his 50’s) is shattered with all the driving. It’s not sustainable but my OH is petrified she’ll stop contact (they do have a court ordered agreement but frankly she doesn’t care and she does what she wants). He plans to take her back to court to agree travel.

@NorthernSpirit oh my gosh your poor dh, he must be so tired. When the children are with your dh, he is the parent. He decides how he spends his time with them etc. The mother needs to let go. It sounds like you have such a hard time with her

We actually have this now but with the other child's mother. Dsds mother gives us no grief over what he does on a weekend with his daughter. The mother of the younger child however is the opposite. She moans at everything, what she had for her tea, what time she goes to bed. If we go out for the day, she moans cos she's tired. If we do nothing she moans because she's hyper. Can't win with her. She used to message dh and say 'please make sure she eats at least 5 pieces of broccoli' and ask him to take her on days out. Dh put herself in her place though. It's his time, he's the parent and he decides what they do. But she does do half the drop offs lol.

@Bitzy12 - god, yours sounds like a control freak! Mine is just difficult!

The mother know about arranging stuff on dads time. She was in court twice in 2016 for breaching the contact order. She would withhold contact on dads weekend because one of the children had a 2 hour party to go to (even when dad would take them). The judge told her that contact with the dad takes presidence over parties and kids activities. I think she arranges these things to be difficult and demonstrate she still has power. It’s a node of contention for me and my OH, personally I don’t want to spent all weekend in the car or standing at the ends of a cold football pitch. I’ve said to him the kids need to miss the odd weekend. I’m all for them having hobbies, but not taking over everyone’s weekend for them.

Ignore your difficult EW. Fortunately the EW won’t communicate with my OH so we aren’t subjected to that level of control!

Good luck!

Can you not get a bus to your sons club?

My son is disabled. Not that easy unfortunately

Northern - when you have children, their activities do take up the whole of your weekends and quite frankly 2 boys wanting to play football at the weekend on cold wet pitches is fairly normal.

The contact time is for the children to know their father and believe me the average little boy wants his Dad to see him play football.

On your basis, his children can do no weekend activities because they might have been organised by the EX, because you two do not want to do them. If they do not play regularly and go to practice they will not be chosen - very hard for a child to not do what they like because their father does not support them on his time.

REgardless of whose time it is - kids should be allowed to go their friends parties. Have to say I disagree with the judge - contact is for the kids and if they say they want to go to a party on his time, then he should facilitate it - like most parents would. I am sure she organises other childrens birthday parties so they only occur on your DPs time!

Your bitterness is starting to warp your logic!

Says the SM who watches DSS play rugby in nipple freeing weather and also makes the bacon butties for his team when it is my DPs turn - it is a pain but that is a life and aphase and it will pass.

@lifeandtheuniverse - I didn’t say children can have no activities. You have concluded that, your conclusion is wrong.

I said where I disagree is that children’s activities take over everyone’s weekend and no one else gets to see them. In my world kids don’t come first. Everyone is equal.

You might disagree with a judge, but you have also missed my point. The mother constantly stopped contact with their father as she deemed children’s parties more important than contact with the dad. Even when the dad offered to take them. If you think that’s fair then I pity you - the chikdren not seeing their dad for a month at a time because mum decides she wants to take the kids to a party and that’s more important than seeing their dad. I agree with the judge - what’s more important, spending time with a parent who loves them and misses them or going to a kids party for an hour?

And not sure how you conclude i’m bitter? The only one bitter is the EW who uses her children as weapons and punishes the children she loves to get back at their father. Fortunately as she’s in her last warning from a judge for breaching a legal contact order and being watched by social services it’s calmed down.

You seem to want to always argue with me (and everyone) when we don’t agree with you. Go pick on someone else.

Northern - no not argue with everyone - just heartily sick of the usual SM gripe that all EXs are evil and the -"I know she will cause trouble before they have even been asked" and you are a major poster on that theme.

There are posts that I completely agree with and have supported the OP. The EX in your life does sound crazy - but you have to mention deranged, bitter, twisted unable to get on with their lives in virtually all your posts.

You quite clearly resent the SDCs having footballing activities that occur on your DPs weekend - yes the mother organised them, but the kids want to do them. I do not agree with stopping contact for a birthday party when the father will take them - never said it was right.

I have been through evil SM and feckless father, currently on engaged father and nice SM.
I am an SM - am just amazed at how many people on here get so worked up over minor stuff and the resentment of the SDCs is palpable in some posts, the poor parenting of the RP is the root of all the issues etc etc

@lifeandtheuniverse - Now you are fabricating posts.

I have NEVER posted ‘I know she will cause trouble..... ‘

I have NEVER posted or written the words deranged, twisted and unable to get on with her / their lives in any of my posts.

Now you are making things up.

Not to highhack this post......

themes - rather than exact words - you really need to re read some of your own posts

You can’t deal with these bitter ex wives - they don’t think like rational people