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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wife excludes stepkids from baby date... unfair?

44 replies

superdad1234 · 31/01/2018 21:02

My wife doesn't want her teenage stepdaughters to come with us and baby to a concert for babies. I only have them every other weekend (Fri-Mon) and half the holidays, and I don't want to exclude any of my kids from activities. But she insists on arranging the baby concert on a weekend when her stepdaughters are here and doesn't want them to come. Is that fair?

PS: she says that weekend is at the end of their 2 weeks holidays. The first week I'm going skiing with the girls, but not the baby nor the wife. But neither the wife nor the baby can ski!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 04/02/2018 11:08

No harm in offering to take the teens to Baby Bach even though you know that they'll probably decline?

In houses with multiple kids full-time, you'd be doing lots of things with only 1 or 2 rather than all 3 kids at the same time.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/02/2018 11:33

I think either you

ask if she wants to come skiing or if it’s ok that you leave her alone to cope with the baby all weekend after having presumably coped with the baby all week.

Then you can ask if the step kids want to come to a boring baby concert where they will resent it...

To be honest you sound quite harsh on your wife. If they are older teenagers they can cope alone in the house while you spend a couple of hours with your wife and baby. Or let her go alone but then she deserves time off later to go out without you.

The baby and your kids are your responsibility. Only the baby is your wife’s. I hope you appreciate that she is enabling you to spend quality time with your older kids skiing. Take more care of her!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/02/2018 11:36

Just realised you are going away for a week with your daughters!

Leaving your baby and wife. She deserves a lot more than you are giving her credit for.

You should take your wife and baby away for a week and appreciate her more.

Enidthecat · 04/02/2018 11:39

Why would kids who are not babies want to go to a concert for babies?

You're not taking them skiing - why is that ok?

WhiteCat1704 · 04/02/2018 13:12

I second everyone else who is asking WHY isn't she coming on a holiday with you?

If my DH has done that our marriage would be at risk. Our DS was a very bad sleeper and an idea that he leaves us to enjoy holidays abroad with his teenage DD and THAN has a nerve to denay us few hrs together is just shocking.
I hope you are intending to make it up to your DW! Suggest she goes away with friends to rest and you take care of a baby..

Frankly going skiing when you have a young child and leaving your wife to it sound very egotistical.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/02/2018 15:26

To be fair I suspect not only would the teens not want to go the baby might not want to either

Cabininthewoods69 · 07/02/2018 17:39

So teens get to go to everything and your wife and baby don't? Hmmm am I missing something or is this actually double standards

timeisnotaline · 07/02/2018 17:44

I went to the French alps over Christmas, and enjoyed the snow and chalet while others skied. Yabu not inviting your wife and baby. On the other hand, I go to Bach to baby whenever I can. I’ve invited the grandparents but if I had teenagers it would not even cross my mind to take them along. Do you try and play this pseudo game of everything has to be fair according to your specific judgment of fair all the time? Because if I were your wife it would drive me batshit.

SmallBlondeMama · 07/02/2018 18:02

Why would they go to a baby concert?!?!

poddige · 07/02/2018 19:06

Concert sounds like a total drag, babies crying over classical music - hideous.

Let them chill out, take them somewhere they want to go to make up for it.

Patiently awaiting the thread from your wife about being left out of a skiing trip

user1484986087 · 07/02/2018 20:06

I am the wife.
Was invited to go skiing but quite frankly not much of a holiday for me given that I don’t ski, everyone is staying at my brother in law’s house and I don’t think I will have much support with looking after my son. My husband and 3 stepchildren can ski and spend some time together. I have a nanny to help me - I return to work in a few weeks and Nanny has started with us early to settle in.

My husband will have the stepkids for 2 weeks - 1 week with all three and 2 weeks with the older two.

My gripe was not with not being invited skiing - though I do think my husband could have arranged a more inclusive holiday. My gripe is that after a whole week without myself and our baby, he is not happy about attending a concert with me and our baby without the stepkids in tow. I just don’t understand why he is unhappy about going to a concert designed for babies with me and without the Stepkids. I would like to have some alone time with just me and our son. It is only for a max of 2 hours and we do not go out alone without the stepkids when they are over eow. Whilst we occasionally do things all together, the stepkids and their dad have lots of alone time together. I understand that they can do things all be without all 4 kids being present - it’s my husband that doesn’t like/understands this.

Cabininthewoods69 · 08/02/2018 08:04

The holiday bit does seem a bit rubbish but if your happy with it then cool. If this isn't dealt with so everyone is satisfied, could it become a long-term problem or arise again? If not then just take your baby on your own. It feels like it could be a hard situation to solve. The children should understand that if they come first at times then others will come first at other times. As long as no one is being purposefully upsetting or leaving people out on purpose then it sounds normal

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/02/2018 14:06

I’d watch his having to do everything with his older kids - he was perfectly happy to leave you behind for a while week and his baby. However not happy to leave his kids for 2 hours.

If this happens regularly I’d be turning this. Think long term. Maybe leave the baby concert. But suggest a holiday with just you three. A morning out with just you two. And when they are old enough, babysitting so you can go out for a meal!

user1484986087 · 08/02/2018 14:29

The three of us are going on holiday together just before Easter, and hopefully again at Xmas (as we don’t have stepkids for either of these hols this year). Before our son came aling, the two of us went on holiday without the stepkids - i insisted upon this - in addition to all of us heading to my husband’s parents for a week or so in the summer.

He has agreed not to ask the stepkids if they want to come to the baby concert or not. I see this as my alone time with him after he has been away with the kids for almost a week. Plus we have the older two for another week anyway, so it is not as though I am taking him away from them. By his own admission, he still feels that I am ‘excluding’ his kids by not asking them if they would like to attend the concert.

TempusEejit · 08/02/2018 14:57

Good thing you are setting some boundaries user as your H sounds like the type to insist on inclusion only when it suits him. Equality does not equate to treating everyone the same, it's perfectly reasonable for your DSCs not to be invited along to a baby focused event (he might have a point if you were simply going to a baby friendly event, or if this happened every few weeks, but I assume not).

Wife excludes stepkids from baby date... unfair?

user1484986087 · 08/02/2018 15:33

Tempus - I have raised this point with him regarding some activities not being suitable for all and ‘exclusion’ being ok if an activity is not suitable for all ages eg my DSS goes to football on Saturday mornings with his dad and my DSDs - do I talk about my son being excluded? Of course not. He also has PT sessions in the park at that time with my DSD - using his analysis, that could be construed as excluding my son. When I point this out, he says that he is happy to take my son along with them and hold him etc when DH squats, lunges etc?! I don’t think it is exclusion, just not age appropriate for my son.

What really annoys me is that 1. He begrudges me a couple of hours at most alone with him and our baby when he has been away with DSC and 2. The idea that the DSD will feel excluded and therefore hurt if they are not asked to attend an activity which is not appropriate for them. Surely they have to learn that noteverythinb is appropriate for them and that after a few days alone with their dad, we deserve some alone time too? I don’t begrudge them their alone time with their dad. Perhaps this is a bit harsh on them and the onus should be on their dad’s attitude....

Mumsnut · 08/02/2018 15:42

Is this a reverse AIBU?

TempusEejit · 08/02/2018 15:44

I'd say the onus is 100% on their Dad's attitude, kids aren't ever going to understand the concept of alone time for adults. Why would it ever occur to kids that adults need time to recharge, parents are just there aren't they, there's no comprehension of the mental load required in running a household and how exhausting it is. And there never will be until they have to do it for themselves some day. Honestly I would call your H's bluff and get him to take your baby along to the footie and to the park - he's only offering to do that because he's confident you won't take him up on the offer.

MeridianB · 08/02/2018 15:46

It doesn't sound as if your husband actually wants to go to the concert. I'd go with your little one and enjoy the lovely music without any distractions rather than drag him along and have him checking his phone and being restless.

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