I feel like I’m not cut out to be a step parent 😞

[Lostmum72]

I find it hard, I have 2 dcs of my own and my dp has 2 dds 12 and 13. I would say I get on with them ok I’m not really close to them, I do a lot for them no more than any other Mum or step parent though, you know I cook for them sometimes different meals, I do everyone’s washing, school run, taxi service, massages, do their nails treat them out sometimes, there has been issues with their Mum in the past and I think she did try and turn them against me which was tough, but it’s not the kids fault but you get something back from your own dcs but nothing but complaints really from his 2, how their washing isn’t done on time, how I don’t cook the things they like. They keep secrets about were they live and the fact that they are moving. I know it’s not their fault, their Mum tells them not to tell us things but it still hurts me I’m just too sensitive.

It’s also hard because dp treats mine differently to his own, he makes ruleshes straight onto mine when they break any rules but not his own, i try to point in out but it just ends up in an argument. I just feel I’m not cut out for this shit!

No, I wouldn't be, either. I wouldn't want to do anything for someone who was ungrateful (and that includes your partner, too) and I wouldn't live with anyone who treated my children like that.

I do everyone’s washing, school run, taxi service
You don't do these things for your SCs, you do it for your OH. Children need parents to do these things, if your husband is not doing it and it falls on you, then you need to tackle this with him, unless you have an agreed balanced by which he does things for you that he does have to do, but do so to help you.

Well I do have my own business but I am really part time, I work round school hours, I chose to do that so I could be there for my dcs especially when I was a single parent, I’m now there for them too, I don’t mind dp works longer hours than me which is why I’ve accepted the domestic role but when your disrespected or taken for granted it’s hard as a step parent as if it’s my children being this way, I deal with them they apologise etc but I don’t feel I can deal with his the same, and I feel he treats his like princesses. It’s so hard

Then it sounds like your arrangement is fair, you do this for him and he works longer to hours to allow you to have more time with your children.

Kids do take this tasks for granted, it takes time for them to realise what it means to you to do those things for them. Most children don't truly appreciate that their parents cook and do their washing, even if they've learned to throw a polite thank you because they know that will put them in a good standing.

I remember my mum moaning about my lack of appreciation when I was 15, and I dared telling her that if she didn't want to do these things, she shouldn't have had me (first time I ever dared answering her back), it got me a slap in the face back! At the time, I was outraged. Now that my kids are 15, I understand!

If the issue is that they moan about how you do things, then get them involved in the activities. They don't what you're cooking? Agree to all sit down and decide on a menu before hand. If they then moan, remind them that they agreed to it. If they don't like how their washing (not to clear what there is to moan about washing unless you mixed colours), then tell them that there is no point in moaning but to discuss why the problem is.

Them not talking about where they are living/moving is absolutely normal, it's their mum's business. Why would you need to know?

Sounds more like your dp who isn't cut out for being a sp.
You sound fair but he doesn't, you shouldn't put up with him openly favouring his own dc.

Kids are inherently selfish and expect others to run around after them and wait on them. It’s our job to teach them that we’re not here to serve them. They are 12 & 13 - are they doing anything to help round the house? I have a DSD the same age who expects to be waited on hand and foot. Apparently mummy does everything for her. Not in our house. Everyone is expected to pull their weight. I’m not everyone’s slave.

It’s wrong that you are taken for granted and disrespected. Your OH needs to put his foot down and teach them some respect and boundaries. I’d stop running around after them until they learn some manners. Get them to do the stuff themselves.

There is a wide range between being disrespectful and being typical teenagers. As a mum, I got both the 'I'm not really angry tonight' after I've cooked a nice meal, and the 'have you washed by jeans, I need them now, there're still wet, why didn't you wash them sooner'.

I don't consider that they are disrespectful as such because of it, I consider them to be typical self-centered teenagers, however, mum or SM, this justifies a reply/action. After the first 'not angry tonight', I didn't cook for a few days and told them they could do so when they were hungry, not aggressively, but they got the message. I now do tell them in the morning what I plan to cook the evening and what time. There have been a few more 'cook on strike', but that's now sorted.

The washing matter also led to a calm lecture. You bring your clothes down on time and you let me know you've done it, washing gets done. I got a call from DS at work two years ago with him having a go as something wasn't washed. I took a deep breath and said 'so, how to turn the machine on'... Both started doing their own washing from about 13yo. Next stage was 'no, leaving it in the machine and pretending to forget about it' will not lead to me putting clothes to dry'. It took a few dumpings on the floor to the point when it needed washing again a few times.

Teenagers are still kids who still need to learn, they don't mean to be disrespectful, they are still adjusting to the fact that being independent does just mean that they are allowed to walk on their own, but also comes with doing things they would rather not do!

Fair comments from all of you. I really struggle with dp setting rules like can I tell my dd (14) to put some clothes on around the house ie she wears a bra top around the house sometimes, I said ok then his 13 year old comes down stairs with the same bra top and a pair of shorts that are 2 small and his other dd 12 went down the park like that and he thought it was funny. Put your shoes away he says when they get back from school, mine do his never do and he says nothing! Tells them all to clean the bathroom after use, hang their towels up etc, fair enough, my son (11) left his towel on the floor all wet and didn’t clean the bath out properly so fair enough he was told to go back and clean up which he did and I had to show him how to clean it properly, also he’s had to be shown how to use the toilet brush etc. Then his dd does exactly the same thing the same week, all I hear is ‘it’s ok darling, you go to bed i’ll Do it 😳, I question him and he says oh it’s too late now!! Wtf! It may sound petty but honestly it drives me mad. Is this normal for step families?

Oh and swingofthings, it might be their mums business were she moves to but it’s quite a big deal then moving in with a new guy we’ve never heard of! Also apparently according to my son they were winking about it etc and cagey about the whole thing, it was pretty obvious they were told not to say anything probably incase my dp reacted, it’s not the dcs fault I realise that, I had a step dad and was also told by my mum not to tell my dad things and really shouldn’t of put me in situation, so I do get it but shoot me down even though I understand it felt wrong and it upset me, that’s why I think sometimes I’m not cut out for it as I’m too bloody sensitive, but then when we first moved in there was a lot of trouble from their Mum, she does seem to have calmed down now but I’m always on edge as to what is coming next. Pathetic but true!

Definitely need to tackle him not treating them the same for the same issues. I would keep a diary when that happens, and then I would bring it up with him, not when another such instance happen and you are both angry, but when everything is fine and you can both engage and he is more likely to listen and acknowledge the problem.

Don't beat yourself up, it's not easy. That should be part of the discussion, you can help him realise that he is treating the children unfairly and he can help you so not to take things personally.

Your house your rules. You and their dad need to be on the same page and back each other up. Kids push boundaries but need them. If you aren’t comfortable with your DSD walking around the house in a bra top - tell her.

I’ll give you an example from my DSC. Have 2 - boy 9, girl 12. The DSS is very helpful, always wants to help. Very tidy. DSD can’t be bothered. ‘Why should i’ is a common term. When their dad and I moved in together I bought a washing basket for each of their bedrooms. Explained that dirty washing needs to go in the basket and only clothes in the baskets are washed. Anything left on the floor or elsewhere isn’t washed. They said they understood. The first weekend passed, all of DSS dirty clothes were in his wash basket. DSD’s bedroom looked like a bomb had hit it. Dirty clothes all over the floor (including dirty knickers still inside jeans and tights on the floor). I left it all there for 2 weeks (painful as i’m a tidy freak). When they came back in 2 weeks DSS had a draw full of clean clothes, DSD complained that everything she wanted to wear was on the floor. Nothing on the floor now. Maybe a harsh lesson, but she’s learnt. You have to be tough.

Oo I like that idea northern spirit! And I like the diary thing swing and yes it’s best to be calm, the problem is even I do bring it up in a calm way dp gets defensive and then becomes like a lost boy saying your opinion isn’t good of me and you obviously think I’m a bad parent, it’s very frustrating!!

Defensiveness doesn't help, that's why it's important to pick the right time and not make it about your time to tell him what your issues are but just time to both discuss and listen. You have to really show that you are prepared to listen as much as tell him.

Don't wait until it boils over to bring things up as that's when we are most likely to be aggressive even when we don't mean to, and the other person defensive. The problem is that it's not easy to bring up issues when all is well because well... you want it to remain conflict less as long as possible!

I would tell him that he can’t parent your children and you won’t parent his!

I wouldn’t go out of my way for them either.

I would live sperately until his kids are 18! Not helpful I’m afraid. So many stories on here of the uncomfortable logistics of blended families

I think tbh, we need some house rules and need to stick to it, I think the older 2 my dd 14 and my dsd 13 are old enough to help out now, they just don’t unless I nag them. We don’t have many rules but we have to have some, their other parents have no rules in their house which makes it very difficult 🙄

They should be helping out at 13 & 14. My 2 DSC (who stay EOW) make their own beds, keep their room today, all washing gets put in their wash baskets. One lays the dinner table, the other makes drinks for everyone at dinner, they both clear the dinner table (next step is for them to load the dishwasher). The youngest is the sommelier and tops up our wine glasses. I don’t think that’s excessive? Me & my OH both work FT. My OH taxi’s then around, we do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. We get the same - but mum does it all at home, why should I? Her house, her rules. Our house, this is how it is. It’s important kids learn that everyone else isn’t here to serve them. It’s teaching them independence.

You give them massages?

Outogetyou yeh, I’m a therapist and I do Indian massages etc why is that strange to you lol?

Northernspiit oh yes ours pretty much do the same, although it slips sometimes, we have the same things done by all of them just sometimes one of them will storm off and refuse x

Another reason I annoy myself, my youngest dsd (12) hates school and will do anything to get out of it, pretends to be ill, hides under the duvet and yes the school have been on the phone etc. But why does it annoy me, it’s not my problem, I try to detach myself from it but it annoys me, yes I do end up looking after quite a lot and I can see she’s not that ill. I think it’s because I’m not in control, and I would deal with it differently if it was my dd but it’s not, it’s so hard to detach yourself

Lostmum, I know how you feel. In your head, you try to detach but then you'll get accused of not liking the children or wanting the best for them if you do. It's a no win situation and one of the most thankless difficult jobs in the world!

It’s very hard, it unfortunately doesn’t help if they have a difficult Mum too, we’ve had so much to deal with it’s a miracle we’re still together

LostMum 72, so sorry to hear you feel there are not the same rules for all kids! I had exactly the same situation, DP would apply rules on mine, and not on his! When I pointed it out, multiple times, every single time he would make an excuse why the rules didn't apply (it was too late to be picking up clothes, there was no time, always some bloody excuse for everything, never an excuse for my kid!!). Then he would get pissed off with me ad storm out, and turned the table around and would tell me I am not suitable to be in the blended family!! And you think what a fool!!! I wish it would work but some people blame you rather than fixing their weaknesses. Eventually I left and we live separately. What a peace.