New baby, childcare arrangements

[Cb123456]

Hi all..

I'm having a c section next week (Wednesday) 2nd baby. My parents have arranged a week off to look after DD1 at their house as I was very unwell after epidural last time and worried again of the effects of spinal.

Anyway, DSD (7years) is due to be coming over on the Friday-Monday (normal contact weekend) however as I will either still be in hospital or it will be my first night home is it unfair to ask DP to postpone contact to the following weekend. I haven't brought it up with him yet as wanted to get other opinions first.

DP will also be returning to work on the Monday as he is SE so I really just want the weekend for us to recover and get in the swing of things.

Many thanks

Whether you went into labour naturally or needed a c section, there was always going to be a potential issue with your DPs child and the birth of your child.

He should have addressed this with his EX with emergencies taken into account.

Like I said the majority of pregnancies run a natural course - 9 months - the logistics of this emergency or otherwise should have been discussed - the majority happening between 8-9 months!

There has been a recent thread where newly split father with new partner and new baby in hospital - just failed to turn up to contact for 2 months.

I have plenty of emotional intelligence but seriously this is not the EXs or your problem - it is your DPs problem. He needs to have talked to his DC and his Ex re the issues, solutions etc months ago.

If you had gone into labour on a Wednesday night when you have SDC in the past 6-8 weeks - what were his plans?

Just re read your post - you could have gone into labour anytime, you had your parents on standby for your DD but he made no arrangements for his DC - I know who is at fault here.

How does your dp feel about it?
My dad had to reschedule contact with me when my brother was born and he felt awful (I was 11, and completely reasonable about it - go give me a brother to cuddle and see in a week, but he told me over the phone himself and was crying because he was worried about letting me down).

If your dd and his dd are similar ages, I'd try to get them to meet the little one on the same day. Children can use anything for top trumps, and if DSD misses a weekend with her dad and then your dd sees the baby before her (when it should have been weekend in the 1st place) it could be a big deal for them.

@negomi90 dd is only just 2 DSD is 7. Spoke to DP last night and we are going to try and re schedule the weekend via the Cafcass officer as our officer is really lovely and will hopefully be able to talk the ex down

Thats a good idea Cb12345. Goodluck.

If things were amicable, she'd been asked nicely some weeks ago (if only on a 'just in case it's needed'), then that would have been absolutely fine, but as it stands, it seems that you are not really seeing it as doing you/your OH a favour, but almost as an expected default arrangement because of your situation.

I think it would be a big mistake to ask when you are just about going to court, it totally undermine your case. There is no such thing as entitlement to a week-end just the three (or four) or you with her excluded. Your OH needs to accept his responsibility to all his children. Can't your parents look after her for the time your OH is with you in hospital? Or is it a case of expecting ex to do you a favour, but it would be totally unacceptable to ask your parents to do so, even though it is for your own benefit?

@swingofthings she wouldn't allow my parents to do it despite being told in court it is down to DP who he leaves DSD with in his own time. He is going to speak to Cafcass officer this morning. Hopefully won't be an issue in court as she has made numerous last minute swaps which have all been done through Cafcass too so hoping it all works out ok

Sounds like things are quite conflictual then. Why do you think that the cafcass officer will be able to 'talk her down'? She doesn't have to agree to any flexibility just to suit you. She might have done in the past when the conflict hadn't reached that point.

You do seem to think that she owes you to be flexible, I can't see cafcass agreeing with you. The whole point of going to court is to make contact clear and not open for interpretation, so goes totally against the notion of flexibility to suit one party or the other.

If you are just about to go to court it might not look favourably if she uses the fact that you asked to swap weekends to account for you having another baby.

If you’d had an amicable arrangement in the first place it could be expected that she be prepared to swap in the event you went into labour etc but given the courts are involved it’s a bit of a risk leaving it until the last minute to talk about potential arrangements for the birth iyswim.

When my eXH’s partner was pregnant I just took it as accepted that if she went into labour DS would stay with me, but he was A, older, and B, that’s the way it’s always been. However he went back to theirs the night she was being discharged and got there more or less at the time they did so both he and her DC met the new baby at the same time which IMO was the most important.

As long as your arrangement doesn’t exclude his DD in any way from that first time with the baby in favour of your DD I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask.

If however your dd will be meeting the baby before his does and there’s an expected swap to accommodate this, then it would be being unreasonable.

Our case has been in court coming up to 18 months we have a very good relationship with the Cafcass officer and I have dropped my plans on the day several times after ex has been unable to collect DSD from school etc so hoping they see from both sides.

If ex will not allow anyone but dh to have DSD then what can we do, surely then I am leaving my own dd out as DSD will be there for the weekend and meeting baby first.

I'm not trying to leave anyone out I just need a few days to be looked after by Dh as he will be going straight back to work on the Monday

But even if cafcass agrees that it would be reasonable for her to be flexible, it doesn't mean that they can tell her she has to. You don't even know yet if she's got plan.

Firstly, she can't dictate who she is with when she is with her dad, so if your parents are prepared to look after her, then that's the alternative.

so I really just want the weekend for us to recover and get in the swing of things. That however is totally unreasonable. Most families don't get this luxury.

@swingofthings I understand it may be unreasonable to expect some time to recover however last time I gave birth due to the epidural I couldn't even feed myself for a week as I had bad complications and was in for 2 weeks so I am very nervous for after affects of spinal. Obviously if ex is busy then my parents will have to have DSD but that then cannot be a problem with ex she will have to accept it

YANBU to ask or to want time to recover but I'd be careful that it doesn't look like your sidelining both Dsf and in fact your dd for the new baby, by changing contact and having your parents look after them. Absolutely while you are having the baby but a whole week is an awful long time and you may have no side effects this time.

Also I could be wrong but I think a spinal block and epidural are two slightly different things so perhaps mention your side effects from last time to the hospital. Maybe they can use a different approach?

I understand your concern over your health, but it is not your OH's ex problem. Your OH is taken her to court, why would she want to do something that inconvenience her just to make your life easier. That's of course assuming that is how she feels because she might actually be delighted to have the week-end with her DD, but I assume if that was the case, your OH would be debating whether to call and ask or not.

If the only option is your parents, I would tell her in advance. You can see if she brings it up in court, but if she does, it will only go against her.

meant to be 'wouldn't tell her in advance'

I'd make sure your partner has a good explanation for why there is a solid plan in place to look after one of his children and has done nothing so far to provide for the other.

It's not going to help his case in court at all!

There is a plan in place op has already stated her parents can have her.
Also why is it ok for the mother to swap things last minute but not ok for the father to ask his ex if he can swap a week in advance for a legitimate reason?

Op just ask it wont hurt to, your reasons are acceptable any reasonable person could see that.

Thanks everyone for your comments, DP has told ex either DSD will be looked after by my parents and if that is an issue he is happy to swap the weekend. She has chosen to swap so has worked out ok. And we have agreed to have her this Monday so she can come before baby arrives. Thanks to everyone who posted

That's a good update Cb. Hope all goes well for you.

Good news.

Glad you got sorted I was just going to add that I went into labour on the Friday eve when DH was collecting DSS. Ended up needing emergency CS and due to being in a high dependency ward for a couple of days after, DSS was not allowed in anyway. DH as a result was torn between where to spend time and it was certainly no fun for DSS who had to be passed round various relatives whilst DH visited us in hospital. In hindsight, he should have suggested to ExP that DSS did not come on a weekend I was a week overdue.

@Orangeteddy thanks for sharing that it's pretty hard to know what to do in situations like this isn't it! I'm just glad we have sorted it now