Advice needed

[Someone1]

Hi all, posting for advice. My brother has 2 kids from previous relationship and found himself a lovely girlfriend. Everything was fine for first 2 years. She accepted his kids and everything(he only gets to see them every other weekend). Until they got their own place.. she have changed and made herself distant from his kids. She is not helping him to look after them and doesn’t want to be around them when they visiting. She is staying in bedroom most of the time. She told me she doesn’t feel appreciated as she have to clean everything when the kids are around(tbh my brother is not the tidiest person in a world and she cleans the house every day. It’s always clean and fresh apart from the time kids are there). I talk to both of them all the time and it breaks my heart to see they relationship going down the drain for when his kids are around and then back to perfect when kids go back to their mum. She helped him a lot and he have changed with a massive support from her(clean of weed for over a year now). I feel bad for her as I can see she doesn’t feel appreciated, but also feel bad for my brother coz she pushes herself away from his kids. He does buy her flowers and pamper her now and again. I just want them to work out. Have anyone had any similar experience? I want them to be together as she is the best thing that happened to him. They are the perfect match made in heaven! Please advise if there’s anything I do to help them fix this? x

It's your brothers fault. He has his fun time with his children while somebody else does all the hard work of tidying up after them. That would make a lot of people resentful, even if it we're their own children, maybe even more so if they weren't. It'd not fair on her. He needs to learn to tidy up and do normal parent things instead of expecting his girlfriend to do it all. He decided to have children, he has to do everything that comes with it.

I agree with that. He should tidy up or at least help her. It’s his kids after all. I feel bad for kids tho as they are used to her spending time with them (last 2 years) and now she distances herself.

She's distancing herself because she's angry at her partner and taking herself out of the equation is the easiest thing for her to do. Plus she probably realised that if they had children, she'd be skivvy while he has fun.

I'm afraid it's common advise to distance yourself (not saying it's bad advice to be clear). Your brother needs to have a chat with his partner and start making some changes, I bet once he does, and his partner feels less taken advantage of she'll naturally engage more. If she doesn't it'll be because he's done too little too late.

Yeah your brother needs to change.

She's making a point that she's not a servant.

Do you know what 'Disney dadding' is? Maybe you could explain it to him.

A bunch of flowers means fuck all when you've left a massive mess everywhere and don't think you need to clear it up.

More worryingly, she's actively detaching. Maybe she doesn't see it lasting.

I will have to have a chat with him. I do feel bad for her as I wouldn’t have that myself. I understand they are my niece and nephew but they can be pain to deal with. They do whatever they want since he feels guilty not seeing them so often but I think it’s wrong for his joy to become her misery x

I really hope it’s not too late since she changed his life so much(in a good way). All of us adore and love her for what she have done and achieved. She’s a great person in and out. I hope he will manage to sort himself out x

I really hope he listens to you because it sounds like she's been good for him too. Can I just also add that when you say his joy shouldn't become her misery, it's the same for the children. Him letting them do whatever he wants because he doesn't see them every day will do them no good either. It's better for all of them in the long run of he's normal dad instead of a Disney dad.

Hope things work out for all of them.

Totally agreed. I’m having coffee with him tomorrow. I’ll point things out and update you on the outcome! Thank you all! X