Help from older (step) siblings?

[Bananad]

I'm pregnant with my first though dh has a 10yo dd from a previous relationship. So far, dsd has been spending roughly alternate weekends with us but there is talk of upping that for school hols so ex can find a job and dh can revisit their financial arrangements. dh assures me it'll be a great help to have someone else in the house while I'm on mat leave (he'll be returning to work v swiftly) but I am sceptical. Dsd is utterly lovely, we have a great relationship and she's wonderful with toddlers but all the same she still needs cooking/cleaning/entertaining like anyone would. Also, though dh suggests I'll be grateful to be able to go and have a bath etc I'm not sure how comfortable I'll be leaving a 10yo in charge of a newborn, even very briefly?

As you might expect, I'm generally a bit nervous about being a parent and want to make sure I have time bond with my little one and look after myself. I've said to dh that I'd be happy to move to a more 50/50 arrangement with ex in due course, just not right away. But am I being naive/unreasonable?

So, question please, how much help might it be to be to have a (lovely, charming, well-meaning) 10yo dsd on my hands as well as a newborn?

Thanks

If she was your own child this wouldn’t even be an issue.

Exactly the same age gap with my DSD and DD.

I didn't think of it before she was born, but DSD did help quite a lot. There are times you will leave the room because you need to do things. It is very tiresome to lug a baby round the house with you while you do everything you need to do. I thought it was brilliant when I could actually leave the room to do dishes knowing DD was happy she wasn't alone and wouldn't cry or anything.

DSD didn't do much with her at newborn stages, because realistically, newborns can be boring for children sometimes. Not always, some children love newborns. But they're boring for many, they just lay there all day or sleep all day, and although parents might get something back when singing or playing with them, children sometimes don't see that because the baby isn't yet able to bounce around, clap or act very excited.

She did enjoy feeding her sometimes though, which again was a nice break for me to be able to hoover or something.

Yes DSD will still need things doing, but on days when you're very tired, you can supervise while she just chucks some oven food in. Once in a while won't hurt her.

I don't think either of you should be going into this looking at how much help she can give you though, that isn't fair on her. It can be a hard time as it is for a child when their parent who they're not always with has a new child with somebody else, if they do feel like that, then they're also being given a whole bunch of tasks for that baby, it might not be nice.

Just take it easy, include her in things and see what she wants to do. Offer her to feed the baby, see if she likes it, if she does, great, if not don't force it.

While I'm a bit sceptical of dinner of your rational, especially expectations on dad to help, I'm not sure such big changes, especially for her, but also for you, changing residency arrangements, spending more time with am, mum going off to work is a good idea. Bad timing. Especially if she isn't even going to be about. What's the timing? She spends most of summer with you, just as baby arrives and DH disappears off to work and leaves you to it?

Thanks @cow, very useful reply. You're right, this isn't really about how much help she can give it's also about how much I can give her. That's partly why I'm worried about being overstretched. But it's good to be reminded of that.

I second everyone that @ThatsMyCow says. However I do think that @2ndbestof2 makes a very valid point. Your dsd is going to be facing into big changes in both her homes so I think it would be advisable for the adults in her life to sit down together & discuss the potential impact this will have on her.
My dd (12) is very well adjusted & loves her sm but when sm & her df had a baby 3 years ago she did struggle a bit & needed extra tlc from all of us.

To help DSD maybe just try to include her in things. It can be hard at the start for some to hand their baby to somebody else to feed, change or play with, so do it in your own time too.

DH and I both have nephews and nieces of a similar age too, and they all (including DSD) did enjoy feeding the baby or shaking rattles for her. My own DSD was hesitant at first, probably because things had changed so much and she didn't know how to react. It was also about 6 months after upping contact, which is longer than you'll have. When she saw that I was including her though, and making a big deal of what a brilliant big sister she was being, she got more comfortable with the situation.

Just try to show her she's still part of this all and that you recognise she's a big sister too.

DD is 18 months now, and DSD is here more than ever and she's really enjoying it too.

And it is helpful for me. I can get so much done when DSD is here because DSD likes playing with DD.

Tbh, you sound more realistic than your DH anyway with all this, but he is right that you'll be able to go and do other things sometimes when DSD is around. Especially if you try to include her early on.

Help becomes a very different thing when you have a newborn. The realisation that you left your phone a foot out of reach after you just got screaming hungry baby latched on to feed and the let down pain has just gone away. In those moments you will be more grateful for DSD's presence than you can possibly imagine.

Speaking purely in terms of the effect on you (which obviously isn’t the most important thing in this situation but it is relevant), I think it’s going to be much more of a burden than a help. Sure DSD can grab your phone or whatever, but what will she do when you need a nap, or when the baby cluster feeds and you’re stuck to the couch for hours at a time? Are you ok with being topless in front of her? Caring for a newborn is not like caring for a child. You have to feed and care for yourself and the baby, but you can eat and sleep as and when you need to, without worrying about anyone else. A 10-year-old child needs regular meals, laundry, and things to do inside and outside the house. When the baby’s not occupying your time you will want to nap or shower or call a friend, but you’re going to need to chat with DSD and sometimes play a game or do a craft with her. She is a child herself and needs attention in her own right. If it were your own child and you had a newborn in the school holidays, you would probably call in a few favors to get her some playdates at other kids’ houses, or sign her up for holiday camp, drama class, etc. But still, you would have to get yourself and the baby out of the house to get her there, which can be hard in those early days. And let’s be honest, if it were your own child the dynamic would be completely different. I don’t think that’s a reasonable comparison.

All that said, the real question here is what’s best for the child. As some have mentioned, it’s a lot of upheaval for DSD at one time. So for that reason alone you may want to rethink. I’m also not sure it would end up saving you and DH money, if that’s part of the goal. You will need to feed and clothe her and you really should sign her up for organized activities in the school holidays, during the newborn phase at least.

It'll be fine, involve her as much as you can, make sure she has things to keep her occupied when you're busy. I bet she's very excited and will have a lovely bond with the baby. Try not overthink things.

Something isn't right about this because ultimately, the need of a 10yo are likely to be higher than the help she will want to offer, because you can't demand it.

So really, it comes down to your relationship with her and whether you would consider looking after her if it wasn't for the help she MIGHT give.

The same happened with my kids, their dad was suddenly keen on them being there more often their child was born. At first, it was ok, they were excited about helping with a newborn etc... but this grew into being asked to look after her for 15 mns, then 30, then when she woke up early in the morning, to read her a story, until they were asked to take her to the park for hours, and finally looked after for full days during the holidays when she started school.

At first, my kids didn't dare saying no, but were moaning more and more about it to me until they started to come with excuses not to go so often any longer.

So don't agree purely because you will expect her to help, it's not fair on her.

Your 10 year old DSD is not reliable childcare. She will have moments where she wants to help with the baby and other times when she doesn't.
If she gets even a whiff of being valued for childcare or that its an expectation she will start kicking off especially as she gets older and into her teen years.
She will also need her dad to make a regular commitment to taking her places without the baby (even when the baby is a tiny newborn, she'll need 1:1 time with a dad even for an hour or so to the park). If she helps brilliant, let her do it on her own terms, but don't demand or expect it of her.