How did yup tell your news?

[bitzy12]

Hello,

Myself and dh are expecting our first baby together. I have 2dcs already and he has a son from a previous relationship.

Relationship with sons mother has always being difficult. She's very bitter and twisted. I won't go on but she's absolutely vile and treats dss as a weapon.

Just this weekend she announced she won't be dropping off dss anymore on the morning she's supposed to as it's no longer convenient. Either dh picks him up or 'don't bother having him' also followed with 'I'm his mother, I call the shots'

I witnessed this conversation over the phone.

I could go on and on....and on....and on.

Anyway it's nearly time to start telling people about our pregnancy. I know for a fact that this is not going to go down well with her. I'm expecting her to react with some horrible nasty comments and it's all going to be about how dss won't be his priority anymore etc etc. Which is a load of crap.

I never get involved with her to be honest, she has caused us a lot of stress over the years but I've only ever once text her telling her to back off because she included my children in her argument. She also trapped dhs arm in her door as he was dropping dss off and it bruised badly.

This is my baby so I really will struggle to keep quiet when she's kicks off. Any advice on how to handle the whole situation?

@lifeandtheuniverse - you’re projecting.

Why should the mother be upset? It’s really got nothing to do with her and if the daughter knows her mum will get upset and angry then it’s the mothers problem.

You were ‘f@cked off’ as you say, as your control of your EH has gone. He doesn’t need to report into you. Let go.

Northern with the greatest respect, there are multiple reasons why my mother would be upset and angry....... I’ve explained that she is not to blame in this situation so why do you keep suggesting otherwise? You know nothing about the situation apart from the few lines I have posted here.

OP, your DP and his ex broke up 4 years ago and they have a 4 year old. Might his ex resent him over the way the break up happened, or its timing?

Why is it bad of her not to want to keep driving your DSS to his dad's house? Shouldn't he be collecting his DC anyway? Why was your DP's arm inside the door when he was returning his DC for it to be bruised? Maybe she doesn't want her ex over the threshold of her doorway and he wouldn't get out?

Trying to understand why she's so angry.

I did at the start....now I cannot stand the woman. Like lottie says...you are going off a few lines written down that you know clearly nothing about. She's slagged off my disabled child and wished me dead in the past so.....ruined our wedding....so yeo, I don't have a good thing to say about her. As for the violence, she trapped his arm purposely as he brought dc back early especially for Mother's Day (Sunday is his day) and he was 3 minutes early....she was hungover to hell and not even awake. Slapped him, pushed him which made him hold the door then slammed it shut, I saw the whole thing from the car. So yeah again....cannot stand the woman.

P.s they broke up because she cheated, kicked him out and left him with 5k of debt which dh is still paying now....

@Lottie82 - no, you haven’t ‘explained that she is not to blame in the situation’ and at no point ‘do I KEEP suggesting otherwise’.

In my opinion (and as a SM / I have a partner with an extremely controlling EW). This has nothing to do with the EW. And to have a child so frightened to tell a mum because she’ll ‘get angry and upset’ is wrong. No loving parent should make their child feel like that. Sometimes as parents we have to put our feelings aside for children.

@NorthernSpirit she doesn't have to explain. She was simply posting about my dilemma to give me advice. I really don't think it's fair to starting digging deeper into Lottie's experience. There's no need, it wasn't her thread to start with and it's obviously something that was very traumatic to her so maybe it's best to just leave it????

Wow Bitzy, she sounds like a real gem ... :/ Your poor SDCs

There are thousands of reasons why someone might be stressed st that news.....secondary infertility themselves, an ex having a child when he had refused to have any more with you, reduction in maintenance for an already struggling single mum, ear that your child will be even further down the list of ex’s priorities and what that means for you in your household.....

Yes, of course ‘good’ parents should put this shit aside but sometimes, our emotions get on the way. We are himans, not fucking robots. Giving careful consideration to how this news is delivered can seriously reduce the stress for all concerned. Giving the ex the heads up whilst her other children aren’t with her is a good one. Any tears, frustration or anger can be managed in private. The ‘it’s none of her business’ is a dangerous refrain nd one my ex used to live by. Unfortunately, when you have a child with someone, sometimes there is a need to pass on I formation about major life events so that the childe ‘s questions, expectations, stress, distress can be adequately addressed in both homes.

Northern - my kids were worried not frightened. You dramatise everything to make the EW bad.

Sadly, eyes the EX does need to know, their child is about to have another sibling. Preparing them for that event from a distance is bloody important. I was the one who discussed with m DCs, their feelings, made them buy little presents /toys for the new baby - told them what new babies meant etc.

I was not fucked off that I no longer had control over my EX - i was fucked off because he told my DCs with no support, lied, lied and told me on the anniversary of my mothers death. An effing emotional time and completely unnecessary for him to do it.

Not all EXws are bad - you just can not give it a break.

Oh and did I forget to mention - I had miscarried on that particular day in history - a fact that both he and his then DP knew all to well - they drove me to the hospital!!!

Malicious Exes and twunting OWs exist in this world aswell.

Congratulations on your news.

Re the problem (albeit some way off) of the birth of your new baby and your DSS being with you that weekend, is there a relative or close friend who could have him? Not sure what your circumstances are, but if they can go to your DPs then your DCs and DSS will all be together to receive the news of a new sibling. They could all come in together to visit you afterwards, if you’re up to it, and meet the new addition to the family.

I wouldn’t tell her that you are having an elective CS either. Babies arrive naturally on Saturday and she doesn’t need to know the details. If she knows in advance the arrangements she would have longer to plan upsets.