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Step-parenting

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Original poster

advice needed

20 replies

Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 18:48

Hi all new mumsnetter just need a bit of advice been with dp for just over 10 years his eldest son came to live with us when he was 16 for apprentice work he his now 18 we get on well hes a good lad but ahh the but he has now got a girlfriend we have met her a few times she says hello quite pleasant another but but he takes her to his room as soon as they come in we get hello then goodye when shes leaving oh by the the way shes 18 too the biggest but is I have heard them having sex am I being awful by thinking this is a bit out of order I have no problem with them having sex they are both 18 but while me and dp are downstairs and can here them should I say something or just try and ignore it

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Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 19:35

Sorry also need to add dss always in his room never interacts with us only talks when having meal with us (just put it down to typical teenager ) but it just dosnt seem right he hasnt let us get to know his gf and dosnt do amything in the house ( mind you ive never asked him too due to his upbringing with his bio mum long story ) i dont know just dosnt seem right if we were out then fair enough but we downstairs his room his more or less right above the living room

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NorthernSpirit · 27/01/2018 20:43

He’s basically using your home as a doss house and somewhere to sh@g is girlfriend. I must say they’ve got some front just coming in and then heading up to have sex. Your house and your rules and he needs to respect your rules. If you are uncomfortable with it tell him. Personally I would be uncomfortable.

Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 21:02

Thanks for your response thays exactly what i think using the house as a place to sjag his mrs i forgot to add hes only been with her 3 months and he met het father lasy week and they had to sit downstairs with him so how do i approach the subject his dad my dp seems like he dosnt care and if i say something to dp he just says well tell him them its his bloody son ! I couldnt have children tried with exh another story another thread so im all new to it so how do i go about saying its out of order

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Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 21:05

Sorry about the spelling havent got my glasses on

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SandyY2K · 27/01/2018 21:28

Can you tell him to keep the noise down?

I'm not a parent who would allow my DC to have sex in my home.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/01/2018 21:30

I would hate this! Send him a text message telling him you can ‘hear everything’ that should do the trick

Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 21:37

Its not the issue of keeping the noise down i just feel its out of order when u cant even have a conversation with us both just hello goodbye just decency of wait till we are out and specially when its def not allowed to even go to her room at her house i know hormones an stuff at 18 just bit of respect really

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Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 21:47

Ooh the text message might work ive just spoken to dp saying its out of order he said yet again tell him so i said its your son you tell him so after a few choice words he said he will have a word whatever that means

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NorthernSpirit · 27/01/2018 21:48

God that makes it even worse. In the girls home they aren’t allowed upstairs but in your home they are doing what they want? They are seriously taking the mickey! The girl has no manners just grunting hello to you and not engaging.

It’s upto the dad to sort this. He needs to tell the son what the ground rules are. It’s your home, he should be respecting your wishes.

NorthernSpirit · 27/01/2018 21:49

Your OH needs to step up and parent. Does he agree with you or does he think his sons behaviour is ok? Even if he doesn’t agree, if it makes you uncomfortable he should be supporting you.

RebelRogue · 27/01/2018 22:02

What's your actual problem with this?
That they are having sex?
That they don't wait for you to leave the house before they have sex?
That they don't stop and chit chat?

Tbh your OH doesn't care, your DSS has been withdrawn from "family time" for a long time now, and while you offered a home it doesn't sound like much parenting was done.
As for what they do at her house, it's completely irrelevant as she might have a different relationship to her parents than he has with you and your DP.

Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 22:06

Tbh when i say something he just goes yea yea i know but then thats it i think my dp is trying to.make up for the time he wasnt present in his dcs lives and dosnt know how to parent but niether do i he does need to step up dss is18 not a child

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Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 22:50

My actual problem is rebel is that its making me feel uncomfortable when me an dp have been at work all day come home i cook tea for us then relax then having to hear dss and gf g o at it upstairs a with a hello and goodbye and has for parenting dss was 16 when he came to us well.mannered please thankyou respectful to others we have tried to give him a bot of independance which he never had before it i have no.problem with him having sex ffs we were all 18 once just inot when we are 10ft away downstairs and can hear them plus its not irrelevant at all if its not acceptable at gfs house why on earth should she or they think it is at ours !!

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Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 22:52

Again apologies for spelling cant find glasses

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Original poster
Mhaunted · 27/01/2018 23:06

I have broached the subject before with dss saying you know we can hear downstairs whats going on upstairs (stairs are in the living room dss room just at the top ) he just smirked didnt say anything more didnt want to embarrass him hoping that would trigger something
I dont know what to do ive spoken to dp hes gonna have "a word " its just uncomfortable hearing them then they come down "bye" till the next time

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FlippingFoal · 28/01/2018 12:55

Maybe tell the girlfriend you can hear her - she's more likely to be embarrassed and keep it down. Comment EVERY time... No one wants to hear others having sex.

Original poster
Mhaunted · 28/01/2018 15:46

Thank you for your replies hopefully dps chat with dss will make him be more considerate of us being at home thanks again

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user1493413286 · 28/01/2018 16:29

If I’d been able to get away with my boyfriend having zero interaction with my parents at that age and me having zero interaction with his parents then I would have gone for it as at that age it just feels awkward and uncomfortable.
I’d suggest she comes for dinner or that you all go out for dinner because you want to get to know her better. I can’t really blame him in all honesty.

user1493413286 · 28/01/2018 16:31

Also if you want a half way decent relationship with the girlfriend don’t say anything to her about hearing them have sex as she may not ever be able to look you in the eye.

Original poster
Mhaunted · 28/01/2018 16:59

Thanks user i dont blame dss and i def wouldnt say anything to gf wouldnt want to embarrass her i totally get that at thier age new relationship an all they will be doing the deed whenever they can i just dont want to have to be in earshot of it

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