Would like to hear from stepmums

[Kinderegg50]

I'm single mum to a wonderful 5 year old boy. Luckily his father and I get on very well. There is no conflict, we don't argue, we get on and can have a laugh. Always pleasant and friendly when we drop our son off to each other. Son sees dad regularly, every Weds and every weekend.
Dad has been with his new partner since son was 18mnths. I feel she is a decent, caring person and tries her best with my son. They have a 1 year old together who my son is very fond of.
My ex often tells me that his partner takes the brunt of bad behaviour and spikyness from my son. I find this upsetting as I worry that no matter what she does he will never feel right with them because she is a step parent. My ex asked my advice on discipline at home and although i feelnvery confident here in how to manage this im unsure what to suggest ref role of step parent. She doesn't get involved and let's dad do it. But I wonder would it be better if she did. By discipline I mean consequences such as removal of privileges and doing jobs round the house not shouting or any harsh punishment as such.
Online reading suggests step parents do not cross this boundary as they will never be seen like a bio parent and further resentment will build. But I hope that my son can behave better with them and bot alienate himself by treating her badly. I worry for him and want him to have a bond with her for life.
Apparently my son did something unkind to his brother and I think my ex has been quite taken aback by this. I am worried that he will be seen as an evil devious child when I think it's quite simply a case of insecurity tbh. I feel men sometimes don't grasp these emotional concepts sometimes and I'm not sure my ex hears me when I say this to him. Yes I'm generalizing greatly when I say this.
Are there positive step parent stories here? How best have you earned respect from your step child whereby they are no longer directing anger at you?
Did the challenges of step parenting engender negative feelings in you towards your step child. Kids can feel this and I worry this could happen. I can't do any more my end. I'm positice about the partner, I actually like her, we make hwr cards fot special occasions etc and never a bad word spoken.

I think you need to tell him to let her know it’s ok to step in. Whilst it can lead to resentment in older kids at 5 your kids going to be a little boundary tester and she’s going to be a weak link if she doesn’t step up soon.

Agree a method of discipline and try to keep it consistent in both houses with adults in both houses having the right to enforce the same.

I’m not a step mum but rather in the same position as you just a few years further on. :)

It’s nice when the ‘step’ is a decent person isn’t it!

You sound lovely op and the relationship you have with your ex bodes really well for the future, so I don't think you need worry too much. The single best thing you can do for your son is to continue to work together. You also value your son's step mum, and ime this is also crucial.

I can only speak from experience and I have to say I've never disciplined my step daughter (who is now almost 18!) But my dh has always stepped up and done so. Also, by the time ds and dd came along, dsd was much older and needed very little in the way of discipline. I've made gentle suggestions since my children were born, which dsd has respected, and the biggest thing for me was nurturing their relationship and ensuring dsd knows that although I'm not her mum, she's very much an integral part of our family. It sounds like your son's step mum is a good person a d doing this.

5 year olds are challenging, whatever the circumstances, and they will test boundaries in any new situation. And his relationship with her is relatively new, after all.

The best thing you can do is continue to communicate well with your ex, speak positively about the step mum (and the sibling) and be consistent between you about not tolerating bad behaviour. I don't think it's a step parent's role to discipline, but others will disagree with me.

I get on brilliantly with my 18yo dsd by the way and love her to bits.

I think if she is only enforcing the same rules as you and your ex she won't have a problem. I think resentment comes in then the step parent has much stricter rules or vastly different rules from the parents.

It sounds like his girlfriend does need to be able to step in and discipline so that he has respect for her.
If my DSD is naughty when both me and DP are there I leave it to him to intervene but if it’s just me I will tell her off or if DP doesn’t notice I’ll say something.
Is this a recent thing and related to the new Baby? Since me and DP had a baby I know I don’t give DSD as much attention and I’m really trying to work on it

Can you not talk to his step Mum?

Meet up for a play date at a soft play or something. Let your son see that you are a parenting unit.

My ex often tells me that his partner takes the brunt of bad behaviour and spikyness from my son
Such as what? Is it bad behaviour that he wouldn't do with you even though you are asking for the same things or is it behaviour they consider bad but that you don't? Does it happen when he is with her on their own or in front of his dad too?

Either way, if he is misbehaving with his dad but not with you, then it means that his dad is not dealing with it himself. Why should she take over?

I have to discipline my Dsd who is 10 as her dad is often away and she still spends the weekends with me and her half brother who is 5. It's a balancing act and with siblings can go from all lovely and calm to ww3 in minutes. It all depends on the roles step mum is being asked to do as it could be she has the brunt of the bad behaviour as she is doing all the child care duties. My dsd tries things on with me that she would never do with her dad as she knows he won't entertain it and has no qualms in disciplining her straight away. She also does these things with her mum too as we're a bit softer.
Your ex and step mum need to be united with you in a joint approach with your son as I've found inconsistencies lead to a lack of stability which often leads to bad behaviour.

It's the other way around in our house. Dsd takes brunt out on dad and has a a massive amount of respect for me so if she does snap at me she knows I won't accept that so will apologise straight away.
I don't discipline her as such because that's DP job as her father but what I do do is let her know when I find things unacceptable and I explain why and I ask why she did xy. Sort of like a teacher. It's not my job to chase her up for homework and tidy her room for example but on a personal level I will address anything that is directed towards myself.

However in your situation I think you've got a great understanding of how your dc feels and you have a good relationship with xh and sm. Have a chat with them both and share your rules in your house so everyone is on the same page.
Maybe brainstorm together ways to help dc feel more comfortable around sm and sibling. See how it goes.

Thankyou all for yo ur really helpful replies! To be honest the behaviour my ex described I have faced myself. We had some huge behavioural issues which I dedicated my life to addressing. Single me things are fine because I work hard in clear rules and consequences. I think if you aren't doing this all the time and have other things in your life it's harder and I suspect that's what's happening.
I've explained exactly what happens here and examples of behaviour I expect and what sort of consequences occur for continual rudeness and cheekiness. It seems that he is just testing there because it isn't as cleat and consistent what will happen at dad's for bad behaviour. The more I think the more inclined I am to say dad should lead on enforcing rules but stepmum is well within her rights to day what behaviour she does not like and to expect a certain level of respect. Will have a good chat this weekend about it. I know their hearts are in the right place so hopefully it will all work out ok.

Well for a start you sound lovely and I wish you were my DSDs mum! You care about the dynamics in their house and support the SM.

Believe me just that in itself is huge. Your son will get a strong sense from you that he is expected to behave kindly in both homes including his SM.

I do believe that going in guns blazing taking a disciplinary role as a SM early on is not good - the child needs time to see that SM is a permanent fixture, to get used to another person.

However I also believe that always standing back is just as bad, the SM is a co parent. When the child is mean to his brother it would be crazy to always leave this to Dad to sort, and especially unworkable if one child can be discplined because it is the biological child but the other not.

So I would suggest to your Ex that he does still do the ‘main’ discipline e.g. ultimately decide if bigger punishments like withdrawing tv time etc are warranted. However SM also upholds rules day to day and immediately after an incident. So yes to the naughty step if that is the agreed method. I’d encourage the SM to find her way with the boy - and back this up by telling your boy that his SM is also going to be setting rules. In the same way as you’d allow a nanny to discipline.

Thanks both that is super helpful. You are right that it would be crazy if she could only discipline her own son and not mine. Sounds like getting more involved but allowing dad to take the lead for the most part would make sense.
I actually think you are right about the sibling, he used to have all her attention and then that changed. I know she is busy with an almost 1 year old but I might speak with dad and see if she is able to spend some 1 on 1 time with my son at some point whilst dad looks after their little one.
It's great to hear some positive stories and positive reflections on the step relationship for those who are stepmums. I find it so difficult when I hear step mum's speaking terribly about their stepkids. It's hard enough as it is for the children. I'm not a step parent myself though so I know it isn't fair to judge unless you've been there. I've seen examples where bionkids are clearly treated differently to stepkids and I can imagine its so damaging. Thanks again all!

I am a step mum, and we also have great relationship with BM.

If me and OH are together he will do the discipline, but if he is not here I will uphold his rules if that makes sense. I think it takes time to learn the boundaries your SCs parents have set but once you know what isn't acceptable you can intervene when you need to.

Think a lot of step mums don't want to cause bad relations with a child and provoke the 'you're not my mum you can't tell me what to do' response. I think bio parent is primarily responsible for discipline but in their absence SP should step up (provided bio parents are ok with that)

My dss is 9 & if needed I will tell him off, probably in a similar way to how I would deal with my niece/nephew or visiting children...

dss lives with us 50% of time, my own children were raised quite differently but they are grown up so no ‘clash’ of rules/parenting styles which makes things easier

dh is very supportive of my role & a very involved dad who deals with most issues himself, I have a good relationship with dss (have lived with him 3 years)

Ps) you sound like a dream, shame you’re not my partners ex

With my step sons, no matter how close we are, there was always a boundary with regards to punishment. However, one thing that helped me form a better bond; especially once my husband and I had our first child together, was I (stepmother) took my step sons and did something just with them. I took them fishing. I then engaged in their hobbies just one on one. It gave us a deeper bond and with help from their mother I managed to really help remove the insecure feelings that my step sons had. There is a very fragile line for stepmothers, and your son is just pushing the boundaries because he probably has that "I want my parents to be back together" feeling.

Well done for keeping things civil with your ex, I wish my parents had done that for me!!